Published January 27, 2010
hassles
forcing plastic toys
through flour sifters
anxiety
asphyxiation with
perpetual gasps
trauma
not just for
nurses anymore
freyja
the girl who
tries to fix everything
i am
an idiot
for attempting
I don't normally write poetry. I'm not a poet. Silented1 suggested I try to write poetry to help myself feel better, and I sort of like this one. Comments, critiques welcome. Maybe this can turn from emo to decent.
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Vanadis,
This is pretty good. The rhythm was a bit out but for someone who dosn't generally write poetry this is great! Well Done! I loved it aticularly some of the lines, I can see you put a lot of emotion into it.
Well Done!
Keep Writing
~Lydia
That is such a captivating line. I don't have words for it, and I feel kind of strange posting this, but it's just so great.
Yeah, it was intentional lack of caps and punctuation.
Thanks all for the good advice and the likes. And it's my second poem, really, but...same thing.
I don't really plan on doing much to this, though. I've changed my mind.
Wow! I totally overlooked this poem but it's fantastic!
So stylized and full of tone. I love the careful word choice and the (intentional?) lack of grammar/punctuation.
This poem made my day! I just can't get over the fact that this is your first poem!
I kinda liked this. Kinda. It did seem like you were venting, but hey, that's what you wanted to do, right? Keep working on this one, it has potential, and you have talent! Also, work on your punctuation. Pretty good job, otherwise, especially for somebody new to poetry.
--Dreamy115
Vanadis, despite your having only started on poetry recently, the fact that you haven't jumped in with a poem that blares with crudeness and lack of thought gives me great hope for your future. I can almost hear a distinctive voice in your poem.
A few things you should know: you might have found the idea of capitalising abstract concepts novel (and so did I once) but you may find that it is a mistake. The poem may be stripped off its grandeur if you decapitalise, but what you gain is the force of deceptive simplicity, something that Frost learnt but Blake did not). Also, the last 'help' (if it is a part of the poem) is redundant if you can make some minor changes in the poem that portrays a pleading voice. In fact, I'd say it's out of place even now. If the Freyja in your poem is an allusion to the norse goddess, I don't get it. However, if you know what you're talking about, I have faith that it is well-put, because it sounds so.
Finally, the idea of using poetry therapeutically is very powerful. But be careful of doing it the wrong way. Poetry is a very easy medium with which to lie to yourself. And when you write a lie down it will fix itself in your head. Similarly, all human emotions written down can be treacherous because an experience is not something that can really be portrayed completely in words and doing so warps the experience in your mind.
Thanks for the read. Best of luck,
Pal.