Comments in red.
Vanadis wrote:I'm so stupid, Ace Finn thought as he lay on his bed, almost relishing the feel of Tristan’s fingertips on his bare chest. I don't know what's going on with me. I feel like I can't break this off because of the way he makes me feel when we're doing this, but all the rest of the time...I'm in agony. #FF0000 ">Telling not showing. And if he's feeling the way Tristan is making him feel, then why is he even thinking this? What is it with him?
What is it with me? #FF0000 ">Oh I like the placement of this.
“What are you thinking about?" Tristan asked, his mellow voice taking on a sing-song quality. “Thinking about me?”
“Yes," Finn answered, a dark edge to his voice. Please just get it over with.
--------------
Finn lay wrapped up #FF0000 ">Wrapped up doesn't seem right to me. :/ Try rewording. with his lover, as close as two people could ever be, as content as a single human could feel. I'm in love, he told himself. That's what this is--love. All relationships have their ups and downs.#FF0000 ">Hmm...No transition between his earlier thoughts and his new thoughts.
Yes, Ace, if you think that him beating you is an up or a down that comes standard in a relationship, then yes. Go on and believe that, if it makes you feel happy. #FF0000 ">O telling not showing again. But I'll let this pass.
But the truth was that nothing made him feel happy. #FF0000 ">Telling not showing. There were bullies at school, and then when he came home he went to bed with one. #FF0000 ">He still goes to school? 0o I kind of thought this was between people who had graduated.
But the difference is that this one loves me, and he doesn't realize what he's doing. He can get better. I can change him. It’ll just take a little bit of work. #FF0000 ">Good. You're showing us Finn justifying something wrong.
--------------------
He rolled over and looked at the clock; he must have fallen asleep at some point. Tristan was snoring lightly #FF0000 ">beside him. Not wanting to wake the sleeper, he got up as slowly and carefully as he could and went into the bathroom. Finn locked the door.
He looked around as he sat down with his back against the side of the whirlpool tub, and then his head fell seemingly of its own accord into his hands. His shoulders shook violently, though it took him a while to realize he was crying. He was lying to himself; there was no possible way he could change Tristan. #FF0000 ">The scene is not coming across emotional enough to me. There's something wrong with it though I can't tell what.
He remembered Farrah describing it--depression--like that. With hers, she’d been completely unable to talk to anyone without getting distressed; she'd cried over the littlest things, and sometimes for no reason at all. But it seemed that she hadn't said everything about it, and now Finn understood why. #FF0000 ">Gwah. Awkward. Revise. There was no word for the emptiness and worthlessness he felt.
Pulling himself together seemed like a task as delicate as splitting atoms. You'd have to have high tech machinery, people watching to make sure everything went well, even permission to do it. And mistakes could be fatal. Finn had none of the tools required for the job, and it seemed like disaster was sidling up sensuously to him. One mistake...
It could cost him his life. #FF0000 ">Do not use ellipses for drama. DON'T. It's cheating.
Then he realized how deep he was into something he thought could only happen to girls whose boyfriends were too small in an area that mattered too much. It could happen to him. It was happening to him--maybe not at that exact moment, but at some point, Tristan would strike him again. He had no defense. #FF0000 ">Why not? There's a reason it's often girls who get bullied - they're the (physically) weaker sex. Guys are built to be stronger. Unless Finn is way smaller than Tristan, he should be able to defend himself.
He wanted to tell his boyfriend of eighteen months to take a long walk off a short pier, #FF0000 ">Love that metaphor but it seemed like he was wrapped around the boy's finger--though it felt more like being trapped in his claws. #FF0000 ">Hmm...Something's not working again. Revise.
Finn looked around the room blearily, surprised. He’d almost forgotten he could cry; it’d been so long since he had. The last time...that had to be when his mother had given him a smile, an “It’ll be all right, Ace,” right before leaving the hospital room three years ago. It was okay, until he heard loud sobs that he knew were hers. He remembered admiring her for being able to hold herself together when she knew that a large piece of herself was trying to jump off. She'd managed to act strong, to put on a facade that seemed to tell the world that that one piece wasn't going to kill her even though she was thoroughly convinced that it would.
If only he could get through to her. He figured girls probably ran to their mothers with relationship problems, and boys to their fathers, but Gracie would probably be a better bet than Paul in that instance. #FF0000 ">Call them mom and dad. We don't really need to know their names, do we? However, he wasn't sure how to do that. He’d never really been one to ask for advice of that magnitude. Anything that happened, he normally kept it all locked safely inside, and could usually manage to fix it himself.
Then there was Benny...how would he be able to pry his little brother away from their mom for long enough to tell her what was happening? The little boy had never really allowed Finn to say his piece. Even when Finn had been lying helplessly in a white room on an uncomfortable bed, tubes sticking out of his chest administering chemicals, the only thing available to watch being soap operas, it had been all about his little brother.
He didn't hate Benny, but he without a doubt despised him. #FF0000 ">They're really close words. And I think Finn's more jealous than hateful.
Who are you kidding? It means the same thing. Since when were you ever P.C.? #FF0000 ">...What's P.C.? *is ashamed of self*
Now, in the bathroom, he held the razor he'd picked up off the side of the tub. It was almost new--used on the sides of his head just once to clean up his 'hawk--and it gleamed brilliantly, invitingly.
It was something he made fun of a few kids for doing #FF0000 ">Awkward. Revise., but at that moment, he thought that maybe they had something going. Perhaps they had a point. And as he brought it straight across the inside of his forearm, pressing down hard, feeling a keen bite as it sliced his skin, he figured they were right. #FF0000 ">Hmm...I think self-destructive behaviors don't start like this. I think they start with you telling yourself that it'll only be once, and that you weren't like them. You were different because this was only once and you did have a good reason. And then you do it again, and again, and again and suddenly you're trapped. He remembered telling a group once, at school, “Remember, kids. It's down the street, not across.” But he realized that they, like him, probably didn't want to venture down that particular highway; they just wanted relief.
Finn just wanted attention, but it seemed that relief was a byproduct. #FF0000 ">0o I always thought it was the other way around. You want relief but got attention as a bad side effect.
---------------------
Note: All right, so this is for a MarNo thingy...not very polished, and it's really a few snippets tacked together. And GAAHHH is it EMO! I'd sort of like input--this is one of the sections that seems to be bugging me. Probably the darkness of it all. Thanks!
Final thoughts:
He seems real. Finn, that is. But I can't determine his age from this piece.
Parts of these didn't feel emotional enough. I wasn't really horrified when he cut himself so you might have to revise to make it work better.
Also, this is a novel so don't worry about using too much words/showing a lot. Just do it.
Yeah, that's most of my comments.
Most of this is my opinion so feel free to disregard. PM me if you have any questions.
Sincerely,
Kara
Points: 8831
Reviews: 202
Donate