A kiss that means nothing gives a bad reputation,
Or a good one, depending on your sex.
Both kinds.
A kiss that means something lies down a road I’ve not travelled.
I hear it’s beautiful down there, full of solitude and sweet love.
They say – those fools – it infuses the senses, warming the body as the eyes pass sparks.
A path without scandal – What?
I know not of a path like that.
‘Tis inconceivable.
It can’t be that good...
That’s not fair.
Aha, I’ll look closer.
Maybe the reassuring smiles, as silken fingers replace heavy fabric,
Aren’t as perfect as they seem?
Or maybe I just want to believe that
In an attempt to make my road sweeter.
I’m better to just stay safe.
Both ways.
You know, it’s not all good.
They say love is bittersweet,
Like the best chocolate, only not as tasty.
A smile can blur with tears, on their road.
And I hear rainfall there is frequent.
Though they do say that rain makes the flowers grow and open, deep and bright and beautiful.
Strange, I’ve not seen a flower like that.
Apart from that one time...I saw him from afar, picking it.
Saw her receiving his heart on a stem.
Only more poetic, and less bloody.
Hey, wait...
Why doesn’t my path have metaphorical flowers, that make hearts pretty?
The last one I saw wasn’t pretty, it was...
Funny, I can’t remember what it looked like. Maybe it was merely a dream,
I think hearts may be a myth I made up on my journey.
No wait, I think I have one lying about somewhere.
Not much use for it, my mind can rule unchallenged.
Anyway, my path is rich, because everyone knows sex sells.
Although I sort of can’t help but envy the poor.
Because their moneyless hands are taken up with another’s linked fingers.
But...I forgot, ha, how silly. Love is scary. What was it again?
Oh yeah.
“No one tells me what to say,
They’d just take my breath away.”
Yeah, that’s right.
And then, then where would I be?
Dead in love.
Anyway, thinking about it, I guess too many people are in love anyway...
I don’t need it. What a notion. Ha.
Ha ha.
And, I mean,
That ache in my chest could be anything.
Why assume it’s longing for love?
My heart wouldn’t betray me like that...would it?
Anyway, where was I?
Oh yeah. See, no one needs love.
Stop trying to change my mind, you’re teaching my heart to disobey.
No, I mean it. Stop.
My mind doesn’t like this.
How do I stop you? Wait, I know.
I’ll just show you I like my path.
Then you’ll stop.
So, y’know...
I think I’ll just stick with a kiss that means nothing.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
141,381 Literary Works • 674,385 Reviews
Hi there!
So, I'm sorry to say that my review will be quite different from the ones I skimmed above. Personally, I found this well written and I loved the idea, the vocabulary, the inconsistent rhythm... but, there were too many tangents for me.
If you look at the last three real stanzas, they all start with "Anyway". I don't really think that you should get off-topic enough at any point that you have to say "Anyway" in order to bring the reader on board again. So, I'd watch out for that, especially because using that words brings your rabbit-trail to the reader's attention.
I know that you've developed a really casual tone in this piece, and I love the familiarity and comfort, the almost pondering tone, however-- when you get to such an extent as you have, it almost seems as if you didn't know what you wanted to say, and that you're kind of just wandering your pen across the paper. This is fine, I do it quite a bit, but I think that you could go and clean it up a bit. There's are a lot of lines/descriptions/tangents that don't really need to be there. I know it's hard to cut lines, but I really think that you could, and maybe even take those concepts and use them in different pieces.
Overall, I do think this was good: I wish that I could give a better review, but this was nicely done. It was just kind of hard to remember the actual message/subject of your poem underneath everything else. Good job though. Feel free to let me know if you make an edit.
-Coral-
Hey Vamp!
Because I don’t see much wrong with this, I’m going to go over this stanza by stanza.
One
I like the wording in this. And even in the lines that are really long, the way your commas create just the right amount of pause is nice to read. It has a nice rhythm. Though I do question your use of the word: ‘Tis. And capitalizing “those” seems a bit off.
Two
This stanza seems a little off punctuation-wise.
I have a feeling that maybe the ellipsis would be bettered suited as a comma. Otherwise that second line stands on its own. Also, the comma in the last line is kind of a hindrance. It makes me think there will be more following the second half of the second that is related to this line but there isn’t.
Three
I just have to say, tasty isn’t by any means the strongest word you could use. *cough* thesaurus *cough*
Four & Five
Here, I love these two stanza for the very imagery of them. In the fourth, it’s very bright and sort of sweet until use the word bloody and I like it lots. Then in the
Six
The “But…I” feels a smidge repetitive. And that second line here, with “ha” and lots of punctuation, feels very choppy. There’s too much in that oen line.
Seven & Eight
First off, you have way too many…um…ellipsis in here and it’s a bit…distracting. (I couldn’t resist doing that to you, I’m sorry.
This leads the reader to believe that there’s going to be more to the convincing. But, there isn’t. It’s very mean to mislead me like that.
I like the ending, those last two lines. They sort of wrap it up. However, I don’t know if “y’know” is such a good choice of words.
Overall:
I like this. The voice is naturally that of an awkward teenager and that’s, like, awesome because it does match the poem very well! However, it does feel a little all over the place which isn’t always good even if it does have that teen voice.
Outside of the things that I’ve pointed out, there isn’t much else to say. I like this, especially for its voice more than anything else.
Ah Vampy, your fine vocabulary, and language skills, have caused me to overlook any rhythmic inconsistencies in your work. This is indeed a very deep and thought-out piece, and deals with (what I assume are) your views upon the subject of romance. It's nice to see someone dealing with this from the opposite side of the romantic debates and 'true love' beliefs.
Your mockery of the 'lower-class' 'love is all we need' is very good, as it's not often criticized.
As I said, the rhythm is patchy at parts, but it's nothing I want to pick at when I like it as is. Grammar-wise, solid. Spelling, crystalline.
<3 My favourite lines.
Never stop writing. Thank you for sharing.
~Sean
Another wonderful insight to the hearts of many around the world! Keep going at it!