You look at me in the eyes and pretend to love me.
Deception, to you it is a key.
I’m oblivious to your deed,
Because you are what I thought I might need.
Then you begin to turn,
The metal shackles that burn.
I start to cry,
And you stupidly ask why.
I can’t believe I thought you were the one.
Now that you’ve deceived me I’m done.
Once I walk away from you,
The burning goes away. That’s all I had to do.
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Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
I understand the poem. I mean to say that your message is quite clear. It's a topic that is often written about... which MEANS then, that you need to shed some new light on the topic. Give us some imagery, give us some depth to the relationship; I think a little development will take you a long way.
That said, I'd say it's an OK poem, but there is limitless opportunity to improve (which is exciting, if you ask me!!)
Anyway, all the best,
s
You rhymed very well, I can't think of anything "bad" about this poem, I really liked it!
Nice title. That was what drew me in to read your poem.
I like the overall sound of it, but maybe consider a little bit of word arrangement in line two?
Maybe something like...
...Instead of "deception, to you it is a key" (sorry for being picky but there is some grammar mistakes in that).
I really like the way you used rhymes in stanza two. Turn and burn, cry and why--it made it flow easily.
Last bit of critique: the second line in stanza three. "Now that you've deceived me..."
The line is fine but I think using deceived is redundant because you used "deception" in stanza one.
Instead of deceived, maybe substitute it with:
- swindled
- hoaxed
- duped
Great job. Way to go. Once again, I love the title.