When you changed the parts with the Elder Egret, you made it pretty obvious that the boy, Argöl, is the boy who is now at Inoq Aibb. Try to attempt to pretend to imitate changing that.
The Storm Mage
The Dust in the Wind
Strange Talents
The Infernal's Hate
.::The Storm Mage::.
The shepherd climbed up the jagged peaks of Havoc Mountain located in the mountains that connected the two continents of Athglöre and Jîulph. The cold, biting winds tore across the shepherd's face. His skin ripped in some places and he started to bleed. He hugged his body tightly, and wrapped his clothes around him tighter. The shepherd rubbed his hands together to keep them warm. He trudged along, his thin shoes wearing down. Stopping, the shepherd took out a flask of water and drank from it, glancing up at the sharp peaks that lay ahead. Beyond the peaks was a steep cliff, blocking the path. He crouched silently, examining the ground and surrounding bushes for any clue that might lead him to his prize ram. After a long while, his patience was rewarded with a patch of wool hanging from the bare branch of a bush and a few tracks. Satisfied, the shepherd followed the tracks, looking up every now and then, keeping an eye out for the ram.
Suddenly, a low hissing sound interrupted the silence, and the shepherd froze. A giant black spider with long, spindly legs scuttled over the giant boulders with surprising speed towards the shepherd. The spider smelled of rot and decay, and on its back was the purple crescent of the Venom mages. The shepherd was stunned by the blow as the spider land on him, spitting and hissing at the shepherd, nipping him with its pincers. The commotion dislodged a charm that the shepherd kept around his neck. The charm broke and thick, purple liquid spilled from the glass vial. It stank like rotten pallas egg. The stench must have meant something to the spider, for its aggression disappeared. Satisfied that the shepherd was not an enemy, the spider backed off and ceased its hissing. A few minutes after the spider disappeared from view, a loud snap filled the air and there was a peculiar gurgling sound. Breathing heavily, the shepherd, who had just recovered from the strange ordeal, advanced towards the sound, as silently as possible.
As he neared an outcrop of rock, his shoes scraped a small rock, sending it tumbling down the cliff with a muffled clanking sound. The shepherd's body went rigid and he clutched a nearby rock with his cold, stiff fingers. The cold rocks drove into his skin. He stood there sweating, waiting for the source of the noise to appear. Hearing and seeing nothing, the shepherd crept forward and gasped when he saw the black spider with its twisted, mangled body, spewing green blood. Stepping close to the body, the shepherd wrinkled his nose, as a wave a horrible stench overcame him. Suddenly, a dark figure appeared behind the shepherd. His short, white robe billowed around his body, matching the color of his painted face. The man had an eagle embroidered on his sleeve, across the hem of his robes, and a larger one across his chest, the symbol of the Storm Mages. His muscles were well defined and he stood proud and tall. On his back were two staffs. Both had one end that looked like a feather plucked from a bird of tremendous size. The edges of the feather were razor sharp. On one staff, the feather was like a fancy quill, except the quill was filled with a purple liquid that sizzled when it dripped onto the ground. The other feather had a sharp razor attached on it. The shepherd turned cold with fear and stood rooted to the spot. His legs would not respond, even as he urged them to carry him away.
"Kamen ankana!" the man thundered. A brilliant blue light burst from the man’s outstretched palm, and the shepherd felt a blast of ice cold wind, too cold to have come from the mountains, sweep him off his feet, and he felt himself falling off the cliff. "Atioc vez!" the man commanded, seeing the shepherd fall of the cliff. The shepherd sensed himself being dragged upwards. Wind howled around him, tearing at his clothes and cutting deep into his wounds. The shepherd closed his eyes and screamed in agony. Opening his eyes, the shepherd found himself face to face with the Storm Mage. He uttered a faint cry from his throat when he saw the man open his mouth again. "Voqia vef kamana!" and the shepherd fell unconscious. The Storm mage has a content look upon his face.
.::The Dust in the Wind::.
A warm breeze blew over the sleeping town. Blood was in the air. The villagers called the town Inoq Aibb. It was the city in which the Temple of Blood was located. The villagers slept peacefully and quietly, knowing the Gate’s Sentinels would guard over them. Two screams pierced the darkness, yet the villagers slept on. As the sun rose, the Blood Wolves began to howl, and the villagers awoke from their slumber to find something amiss. Everyone, even the children, could smell blood in the air, but found no trace of the origin. Alarm quickly spread only to find the sentinels at the gate, their bodies torn apart by an invisible claw, and their clothes and hair were matted with dirt, sweat, grime, and blood. As the villagers gathered around the bodies, the sky turned blood red. The villagers screamed and clung to each other as a phoenix made of fresh blood streaked across the sky. With each beat of its tremendous wings, the trees shook and the ground rumbled. As the phoenix approached the villagers below, it morphed into a person, his long, flowing, blood-red robes trailing behind him. The man had a staff on his back, with a long durus handle and a large, white, 4-fingered hand attached to the top. The man wore a white mask that covered his face in its entirety, and had a total of five holes, two narrow slits for his eyes and three circular holes across his mouth. The only colors on his body were either white or red. No flesh showed through his garments. Without waiting for an explanation, the man stepped over the corpses of the Gate Sentinels and plucked his staff from his back. The gloved hand sprang to life and extended to pick up the bodies, and the man muttered, "Venia quesi." Upon the last syllable, the bodies faded to dust and blew away into the wind. The masked figure looked up at the villagers as he slid his staff back onto his back.
Later, the villagers gathered in the town hall and welcomed to strange visitor. As the visitor took off his mask, a murmur spread threw the crowd. Their guest revealed a face that was pale and thin. Thin strands of white hair dangled in front of his eyes which gleamed red. The features of his face were not well defined, and the people in the crowd realized he could not have been older than 17 moons.
“Argilla puallus!” cried some.
“Yes,” said the boy, “And I have been called worse. But that is not the reason I am here .The sentries at the gate were killed. Someone is plotting against us. That is why I have been sent here. I must travel with another mage to find who the aggressor is.”
.::Strange Talents::.
17 moons ago, a boy was born in the village of storm: the Vicanus Asper. His parents were gathered as their child was blessed as a mage and trained to do all forms of magic. He quickly surpassed all other mage, even the ones older than him.
The Elders of Vicanus Asper were gathered around a small, round table carved from a durus tree. A dim lantern hung above them, casting wavering shadows.
“He is a boy of unique talents,” remarked one of the Elders. He was clothed in a grey robe that wrapped tightly around his body.
“Yes,” replied another, “but I do not know where his talents can be used.”
“There have been requests from some of the most powerful clans about sending a party into Jîulph to-“
“There will be no such thing. The number of trained mage we have right now is very little. Sending any one of them to Jîulph would be suicide.”
“In many villages, there have been uprisings. The clans are restless for activity.”
“No. We are to lay low until the mage population has increased to a reasonable amount. Then we might consider plotting an invasion of Jîulph.”
“Very well.”
“However, there could be one way to…”
The second Elder reached across the table and the others leaned closer. There was a buzz of conversation and when the meeting was adjourned, the second Elder had a smile of satisfaction on his face.
He went to visit the family of the boy. He still felt surprised when he saw the boy’s white face. He had always been eating healthily, so this strange phenomenon was perplexing.
“Hello.”
The boy’s sister greeted the elder.
“Mommy!” she called, “Ergret is here to see you!”
There was a shuffling of footsteps and the boy’s mother came to the door.
“Oh, I am so glad you are here. Argöl’s condition is not improving. I am so worried about him,” wept Argöl’s mother.
Ergret went to see Argöl. Indeed, his condition had not improved. His skin was a pale white and his forehead was damp and hot.
“He is sick,” informed the elder, “he is terribly sick.”
.::The Infernal's Hate::.
In a cage of pure magic, the Infernal Titan shook the bars of his prison and roared in fury. His hate for the Conciliatio Titan grew with each passing moon. Ideas and thoughts swirled around him; soft wisps of smoke-like substance. The Infernal Titan was covered with scars and bruises. His grey skin was held tight by magical threads. Some burst, and green, toxic fumes sprayed out, as tall as a mountain. The Infernal gritted his yellow, sharp, fang-like teeth and muttered a spell that formed a light-blue thread that dove into his skin. Seconds later, the scar was closed again. A happy thought floated past the Infernal. Its size was microscopic compared to the size of the Infernal. The Infernal crushed it in his fist. The Infernal twisted backwards and swung forward at the bars. Bone, muscle, hate, anger, and blood collided with the magical bars of the prison. Bone crunched, muscle snapped, yet the magical bars remained unscathed. The Infernal knew his strength was deteriorating. Those damn Elementals, those backstabbing, cowards... His rule pleased many. The art of magic thrived under his influence. He could not understand why he was now imprisoned.
When you changed the parts with the Elder Egret, you made it pretty obvious that the boy, Argöl, is the boy who is now at Inoq Aibb. Try to attempt to pretend to imitate changing that.
I believe it would be for the best if you were to cut out the entire prologue (the first four paragraphs before the star line thingy). Trident is correct when he says it’s an info dump, and not only is it dull to read, but very little of it actually sticks in the reader’s memory.
Instead of dumping all that information onto the reader at the beginning, it would be better to reveal it - bit by bit - throughout the story, allowing us to discover the background to your world as we read the narrative.
The first paragraph of the actual story (with the shepherd) really could do with splitting into multiple paragraphs.
A lot of the story seems to be telling, rather than showing. You tell us ‘this happened, then this, suddenly this happened, this person appeared, they looked like this, and this happened, followed by this’. Showing more will help give the story more life, and help to suck the reader in far more. If you’re not sure about the difference between showing and telling (and it’s quite a hard concept to grasp) then try doing search for ‘show don’t tell’ using the search function on the site (I’m not very good at explaining it).
‘The spider smelled of death’
- I really dislike this phrase, and it’s used so commonly in stories. What does ‘death’ smell like? It also conveys no feeling at all over to the reader - instead, try describing how bad the odour is (using nifty words such as ‘putrid’).
‘On one staff, the feather was like a fancy quill, except the quill was filled with a purple liquid that sizzled when it dripped onto the ground. The other feather had a sharp razor attached on it.’
- Do we really need to know this about the character? Excessive description bogs down the narrative, so it’s generally a good idea to keep it relevant.
On another note, when posting here it may be a good idea to double space the paragraphs (so there’s a blank line between each paragraph) to make it easier for us to read. You can either do this manually, or - if you have Word - by pressing ‘ctrl+F’ --> ‘replace’ and type ^p in ‘find what’ and ^p^p in ‘replace with’.
Your story is interesting, as is the setting, but it cold certainly do with some smoothing out in your written style.
Keep on writing 
.
O.k. I was lying. I thought you said you wanted me to be nice to your post. Do you want me to critic your story?
Hunterzero is right. I looked it over, and I changed all the mistakes that I found. Thanks! 
I don't find any mistakes. He has revised his story so much, it is close to the "perfect" status. If so, why don't you post his "mistakes"?
There are coupla' mistakes in your story, if you take the time to read it, I'm sure you will find them. If I have some more time, I'll post some for you.
I guess I don't have to post any then. Yeah. You corrected most of them.
I think it should be easy to find mistakes AND the resemblance. Not that it matters, but I find some things dull
I think that the only resemblance to a Zeus story would be the word "Titans." How do you think the descriptions could be "rephrased?"
The plot is similar to when Zeus and his mighty god-friends fought with the Titan's. Not extremely similar, but it has a resemblance.
This story is good, but plot and descriptions could be rephrased. Mechanics are pretty decent.
Right... evidently you don't quite understand what an info-dump is otherwise you would try to take your beginning and do something with it.
Perhaps your signature should be changed from "looking for comments" to "looking for unbridled praise". Then you would save those like me from wasting their time.
Sir Trident
Hey Vampirewolf. I'll just touch on the basics here.
The first paragraph is what is known as an info-dump. It is kind of boring for the reader as there is no action going on. Especially since it's not our story, we need to have a reason to be interested in the it, and that is your job to create that interest.
Some of the words of people and places may seem cool, but when your readers are utterly confused over how to pronounce and continously forget them, then they may be irritated after a while. I suggest using less complicated names. You can still make them up, just make sure they're shorter and easier to pronounce.
I notice you use the same words a lot. After a while it becomes distracting and very stale. Try to vary what words you use. This is especially the case when you use the word "shepherd".
I hope these comments help you edit. You've got a way to go before this piece gets to the point of not being boring, but I think if you continue to write, you can get good enough to do just that. Good luck.
Thanks for all of the critics that have come to invade my post! Did I mention...thanks? Well, even if I did, thanks.
P.S. Hunerzero, I changed that little bug.
I loved it. I can't wait to read more of this story. I just thought that the different language seemed awkward (i agree with silverstar, esentially).
Wait, writing a critic is supposed to make you feel bad...right? Just kidding. I read the rules (whatever it happens to be) and so I guess I have to post this:
The world's land was two continents: Athglöre and Jîulph. On Athglöre, the Blood, Venom, and Ice Mages banded together to fight the mages of Jîulph, the Earth, Fire, and Storm Mages. Each continent held the other's artifact, the artifact they needed to claim The Throne.
This landmark of incredible power was the last structure to be created by The Infernal. It was an island in between Athglöre and Jîulph named Nidaroc. Nobody went to the island and came back alive. Only the bravest clan of mages could even think about traveling to Nidaroc.
I guess that the first paragraph would be the prologue.
The time period is sort of...time-less, but probablyt most like medival.
I like this, but I'm not clear about a few things:
Is this a prologue or a first chapter?
What sort of time period is this set in?
Thanks
RR*
Crit coming soon...
And here it is!
Okay. Spelling and grammar seems to have been attended to by other reviewers, so I'll go ahead with the basic story and all that.
First off- the first sentence. It may be just me, but the 'in the beginning' bit doesn't catch me as something good (it already being in use as a beginner, I suppose. Then again, perhaps I've been studying Genisis too long. ^^) My advise would be try to be a bit more original. Create a beginning unique to you!
A lot of these sentences might be better if you cut them in two and then elaborated a little. For example-
The Infernal's reign was hard and cruel until another Titan came along and imprisoned him in the void.
The Throne was the last landmark that the Infernal created. It was an island in between Athglore and Jiulph. Nobody went to The Throne and came back alive. Only the bravest band of mages even dared to think about traveling to The Throne.
That is, until now...
The sheep herder climbed up the jagged peaks of the Havoc Mountain located in the mountains that connected the two continents of Athglore and Jiulph.
Stopping, the shepard took out a flask of water and drank from it silently, glancing up at the sharp peaks that lay ahead. He stood silently
listening for any sound that might betray the presence of his prize ram that had just ran away.
A giant black spider with oily, thin legs advanced over giant boulders towards the shepard.
Breathing heavily, he advanced towards the sound, as silently as possible.
As he neared an outcrop of rock, his shoes scraped a small rock, sending it tumbling down the cliff with a muffled clanking sound.
Suddenly, a dark figure appeared behind the shepard. He was clad in only a short robe and had paint streaked across his face. The man had an eagle embroidered on his sleeve, across the hem of his robes, and a big one across his chest. His muscles were carefully defined and he stood proud and tall. On his back were two staffs. Both had one end that looked like a feather plucked from a bird of tremendous size. The edges of the feather looked razor sharp. On one staff, the feather was like a fancy quill, except the quill was filled with a purple liquid that sizzled when it dripped onto the ground. The other feather had a sharp razor attached on it.
"Oitca jvoq!"
A brilliant blue light burst
The shepard suddenly realized that this was a Storm mage!
You reviewed my story, so now I'll return the favor!
I agree with Jiggity; you have a great basis for a story here. However, the background information at the beginning feels a little rushed and somewhat unnecessary. Personally, I would remove it and jump right into the story, saving the World History lesson for later.
Also, the last paragraph feels rushed as well. I have no idea what just happened. It might be better if you expanded it or explained the scene a little more.
Other than that, this is better than most first drafts.
I think that for your age, this is very good, in the sense that its imaginative and pretty solid in terms of description, if nothing else. As such I wont subject you to a full critique, I will however backup WW; for now just follow what she's said and make sure to keep on writing, you'll just get better.
Hmm. Sounds like a giant game of Capture the Flag to me. You have a pretty solid basis for a story here and I think you have a good idea of where you want the story to go, but I, the reader, am feeling a little overwhelmed already. It sounds like you have developed the background of the story further than just what is presented in the first paragraphs. There is obviously some very important information for understanding the story in the intro section and maybe you don't want to reveal too much at first, but my recommendation is to either expand or remove those paragraphs. As is, they're just a blip before the story actually begins. Maybe you could expand on the Infernal Titan, since it seems as though he has a great deal of impact on the state of your present day world.
The last two paragraphs are a little confusing, but I think this may be more because where this section of the story cuts off than the actual content of the writing, which seems generally pretty good, although I do have a couple specific complaints throughout the piece.
In the beginning, the world was ruled by a fearsome Titan: the Infernal Titan.
The elementals blessed, some consider it a curse, selected people to carry out the deeds of the elementals.
Only the bravest band of mages even dared to think about traveling to The Throne.
That is, until now...
The cold, biting winds in the mountain tore their frozen claw across the shepard's face.
Suddenly, there was a low hissing sound, but it was too late when the shepard reacted.
When the spider disappeared for view, a loud snap filled the air and a shriek sounded.
The shepard's body went rigid and he clutched a nearby rock with his cold, stiff fingers.
...gasped when he saw a black spider with its wrangled body, spewing green blood.
It was clad in only a short robe and had paint streaked across his face.
"Oitca jvoq!" he thundered.
...when he saw the shepard hall of the cliff.
Blood was in the air. Inoq Aibb, the villagers called it.
A scream pierced the morning air, but nobody noticed it. In the morning, when the Brood Wolves began to howl, the villagers awoke from their slumber to find something amiss.
As the praestigiae appeared closer to the villagers below, its features began to blow away until it became a hooded man in robes on the ground.
The man wore a white mask that entirely covered his face and had a total of five holes: two narrow slits for his eyes and three circular holes across his mouth.
Upon the last word, the bodies faded to dust and blew away into the wind. The masked figure looked up at the villagers as he slid his staff back onto his back.
His reign was cruel and hard until another Titan came and imprisoned the Infernal Titan in a nether-cage in the void.
Not so slick.
Try, The Infernal Titan's cruel, hard reign was ended by another. He was imprisoned, and held in a nether-cage that was then cast into The Void.
Okay...this is fairly good, I mean, it has potential, but then again, what doesn't? You just need to revise, an give the reader a lot more background information. Maybe like a whole prologue. Eh?
Also, spiders don't hang out on cold mountaintops. Try a big bear, or an ogre or something. Eh? Eh?
Okay, you have alot of stuff going on. Seperate it with page breaks like stars or something. Also, elaborate on everything that's going on, slow down and just describe the scenes carefully. Then reread and check over it.
If you do all that, this would most likely be a way better read. I'd put money on it. PM if you need help.
-MH
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