Hunters: Book 1: Purity

Anyone

TheNewHero wrote:Okay, maybe I made a mistake there but still. Who is Okami?

Hey there, NewHero recommended that I review your story, but it looks like everyone has already covered what I wanted to say. I enjoyed your story because at first I thought it was going to be another vampire story, but it wasn't, which was so refreshing. Typically here at YWS we like to keep our posts down to 1500 words, that way it doesn't take the reviewers two hours to read and critique your work. I'd suggest you maybe split this up into parts (i.e. Chapter One Part One) or post your entire story in the Advanced Critiques section.

Finally, I think you would do well to check out the Writing Turtorials Forum. There are a ton of articles there on how to write better. My favorite is Show and Tell by CastlesInTheSky.

Hope this helped. If you have any questions, feel free to PM me. Keep writing!

Okay, maybe I made a mistake there but still. Who is Okami?

Yeah. You should really try to make some basic corrections with spelling and grammer.

Hi, Kenzi!

I actually made it now. Sorry for such a late arrival, but I was distracted by numerous things. Now I'm here, though I don't have much time. Here's a quick review of the preface, and to make up for it, I'll review more of this later. Assming you still want my opinion!

So first off, I think you have an excellent grasp of description to begin with. You know how to write about moonlight and using your senses to describe things. Be sure to keep using that throughout your writing 'cause it's very cool to read.

One thing I am concerned about is the preface itself. It doesn't sound like a preface or that it's leading up to anything. A prologue either shows a really important scene from the past, a scene from the future or what will/can happen, or a completely different point of view from another character (like a glimpse of the villain). This preface doesn't seem to cover any of those three choices. It ties into chapter one moreso than a stand-alone portion of your novel.

A second thought is your characters. They weren't introduced as well as they could have. Azami is a concerned female, and Frost is not well. That's about all we know. If we're going to start with this portion (or whatever portion you're willing to start with), you have to give an awesome first impression of your character. If they're naturally stubborn, show us that they're stubborn. If they're naturally sweet, show us that they're sweet. So what do I mean by "show"?

Every person, animal, plant, or deity has a personality. They have likes and dislikes, they have different behaviors, they have different first impressions. They also have their own quirks (i.e. biting fingernails, twirling hair, biting lip), they have their own beliefs, they have their own ideas. Don't spend so much time on how they look (just throw that in where you can afford to put it) but tell us who they are. What's on the inside is more important, right? ;D

Those are the two major points I wanted to point out. This was just from the preface! I'll come back at a later time to do some more. Right now... I have class. Ta! XD

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!

Purity comes in later in the book, don't worry.

TheNewHero wrote:Hero here! Now, to review.

~Mackenzie wrote:Note if you cannot handle blood, you shouldn't read this.
"read alittle and review what you read, you don't
have to do it all at once"
Preface

This is my re-write of your story. It was a bit flawed and badly punctuated, so here's whtat it should have looked like:

~Mackenzie wrote:Preface
The pale moonlight shone through the branches of the trees, glowing onto the wolves' fur. It wasn't bright enough to wake them, but light enough for Purity to watch over them. A young wolf sat under a tree, awake. The pretty young wolf's name was Frost. Frost's gray eyes were glittering as she watched the wolves sleep. Another young wolf, Azami, sensed Frost up. Azami stretched out and walked over to Frost.She scanned Frost's white and brown coat, to see if anything was wrong."You don't look well." Azami said concerned. " I... I feel odd" Frost admitted.
" Why don't why travel up to Komori?" Azami pointing out. " She will heal you."" Can we wait until sunrise?" Frost asked as it would seem odd leaving at nite. Azami nodded and she laid with Frost, until the sun raised. Then, they'd leave camp before it would be to late in day to go. Frost could tell Azami didn’t want to take her, but she knew Azami went by one simple rule: Pack comes before yourself. Frost liked this rule, you have to be devoted to your pack if you want to survive. Every wolf should follow this, but most chose not to. That’s what caused trouble between the packs of the land. Stealing from humans, tress passing, the battles, it all was just so wrong. Frost sat there and thought and thought and thought until she fell asleep under the twinkling stars and glittering moonlight.

This was interesting enough. However, I should mention that your grammar and language was not up to standard:

There's a space after comma. Now, I am only reviewing the first preface so that is what I am talking about. Read through it, and most likely the whole story, and see what is wrong. Were you writing on YWS or NotePad? I know most writing things Lke Microsoft or OPenOffice would have an adequate spell check. use them. Really read through your work before you post anything. And like I said, you shouldn't ever post a long amount like this. It turns reviewers off.

Okay, my review:

The first thing that turns people on is your story, it sounds really interesting and your character ( I believe she is female, yes?) seems really kind and caring and moral. I agree with the whole wolves thing. If I were you, I'd keep this character the same throughout. She's great. Maybe you might want to develop a fear in her? Something that ties her greatest quality with her worst fear. Something to make me really love her.
Firs thing that turns the reader OFF is your grammar and language. It is common courtesy to check your work for problems. And if (Like I once experienced) did not have a proper office suite like Microsoft Office or OpenOffice and are using Wordpad or notepad, send me an attachment and I'll spellcheck with OpenOffice. By the way YWS has a spell check. I cannot stress how important it is to get your basic writing right. But I already have, haven't I?
Do not assume we'll read your whole story. I know you didn't when you said read a bit, review a bit, BUT you did when you talked about Purity. In the preface/prologue, you should NEVER write about something without giving a hint of suspense, confusion, wonder or explaining this. I thought when you said Purity you would start writing about her. But you instead wrote about the wolf and I wondered "Where's purity?"
Back to basic writing and grammar. I think this was very poor. You kept writing: Azami Said, Frost Pointed out, Azami asked, Frost said, Azami this, Frost that. When you are writing between two characters, obviously the next line will be by the other character.
Your punctuation was bad. After every full stop/period, comma, question mark after every everything, there should be a space. Also, don't just write dialogue from character to character. Skip lines with your dialogue, this is really proper.

I'll rewrite your preface, showing exactly what would have been better. I shall not, however, put anything in red.

~Mackenzie wrote:Pale moonlight shone through the branches of trees (Describe the trees). It wasn't bright enough to wake the wolves, but light enough for Purity to watch over them. (Once again, when will we meet Purity here? Pretending I swore never to read anything but a preface. Would Purity ever amount to anything in my mind?). A young wolf sat under a tree, awake. The pretty (Who said anything about pretty. If she's pretty, say so.) young wolf's name was Frost.Frost's gray eyes were glittering as she watched the other wolves sleep. Another young wolf,Azami, sensed Frost up (Huh?). She (We know it's Azami) stretched out and walked over to Frost. She scanned Frost's white and brown coat, to see if anything was wrong. "You don't look well." Azami said concernedly.
" I... I feel odd"
" Why don't why travel up to Komori? She will heal you."
"Can we wait until sunrise?" It would seem odd leaving at night, Frost thought. Azami nodded and she lay with Frost, until the sun rose. They would leave camp before it was too late in the day to go.

Frost could tell Azami didn’t want to take her, but she knew Azami, as did every other wolf, went by one simple rule: 'Pack comes before yourself.' Frost liked this rule, you have to be devoted to your pack if you want to survive. Every wolf should follow this, but most chose not to. That’s what caused trouble between the packs of the land. Stealing from humans, tress passing, the battles, it was just so wrong (What does this have to do with Pack before Self?). Frost sat there and thought until she fell asleep under the twinkling stars and glittering moonlight.

Okay, that was the part where I point out a few things. Now let me re-write without pointing out anything. You'll pick up on what was pointed out.

~Mackenzie wrote:Pale moonlight filtered through the tree branches and shone upon the wolves' fur. A young wolf named Frost sat under a tree and she watched the others. Another young wolf, Azami, sensed Frost up. She stretched out and walked over to Frost. She scanned Frost's white and brown coat, to see if anything was wrong. "You don't look well." Azami said.
" I... feel odd" Frost admitted.
"Why don't why travel up to Komori? She will heal you."
"Can we wait until sunrise?" Frost asked, as it would seem odd leaving at night. Azami nodded and she lay with Frost, until the sun rose.They would leave camp later on, before it was too late to go.

Frost could tell Azami didn’t want to take her, but she knew Azami went by one simple rule: Pack comes before yourself. Frost liked this rule, you'd have to be devoted to your pack if you wanted to survive. Every wolf should follow this, but most chose not to. That’s what caused trouble between the packs of the land. Stealing from humans, tress passing, the battles, it was just so wrong. Frost sat there and thoughtuntil she fell asleep under the twinkling stars and glittering moonlight.

Stick to your tense. There were a few places where you swapped:

~Mackenzie wrote:Azami nodded and she laid with Frost, until the sun raised. Then, they'd leave camp before it would be to late in day to go.

Read it aloud and compare with my re-write.

Basic Rules of writing:

Your words in quotation marks have no space between them and the quotes. " Hiya." is wrong. It should be "Hiya."
Your words after commas andfull-stops/periods have space: Hiya.My name is Jack. Is wrong. It should be: Hiya. My name is Jack.
Grammar and Language from Second Grade apply. But you had no problem with capitals and stuff. Also I liked you vocab. by the way
When you describe something, don't be ignorant of your senses. Imagine if God said you could only hear and see from now on. You might say, "Okay." until you realize most of the stuff you taste is actually a smell. Do your eyes water when you smell chillia or taste it? What doe sit matter if you see snow but don't feel it? Describe with ALL your senses.
Pronouns. Those are important things. Instead of Azami did this. Azami did that. Azami leapt over this. Azami rolled from. It could be Azami did this. She rolled over him. Ran past her. She kiled her. She ate them. Then she hit Hero in the face.
Brevity. This means making sentences as short as possible. You'll often hear baout this. A matric friend of mine (Actually two ) said Brevity = Correctitude. Meaning Don't write: She did this. She did that. She leapt over him. She killed him. (That's four sentences. Now watch the magic:) She did this and then that. Leaping over him, she proceeded to kill him. See? Only two sentences! This also helps you make your story less repitative. No one likes sentences starting the same. I give you two years until your teacher starts yelling at the other kids (Not you cause your a YWSer now): STOP STARTING EVERY SENTENCE WITH SO!! Blah blah, blah. Trust me

And that's it for your language.

Summary:
Language. Grammar.
Never introduce something unless you will properly introduce something.
Pronouns are helpful. Remember Breivty = Correctitude. it helps you writer 'Gooder'

This has been a review of your preface, NewHero style. Please, please! Take out this whole thing and repost it as only either Preface or Preface plus chapter 1. You will get way more reviews. Because Now you have to apply nearly everything I said to your entire story. And everything I'll say next to everything after Chap 1 and before. And pretty soon after every review you'll have to change 18 pages! Whilst you could have just listened to my first review and kept applying it as you grew in size. I know what you were thniking, but just post one thing. You get reviews of more quality..

Hero goes Up, up, down, up, continues leaping, up, up, down, up and away! But he's not flying, just leaping.

Wow, long.

Awfully long eh? Took me a long time to write it too.

TheNewHero here to review! Chapter 1, by the way.

Alright, I really liked Izumi's reviewing style, so I'll fuse our two. And Master_Yoda's. He's my mentor.

This is what I'll be addressing, so sit down, get comfy and read:
Nit-Picks and Grammar
Dialogue
Redundancy
Focus on Characters & Character Development
Italics

That's roguhly the order you should work on, nit-picks of course being general. TheNewHero free falls into a review...
------------

Nit Picks:
There were a couple of areas where you used incorrect grammar. Punctuation poked it's ugly face in there a couple of times. But otherwise, this was well written!

Mistake and (What I Would Do in brackets)

~Mackenzie wrote:Chapter 1
The sun's rays shone (Not shoned, spell0check says! in the wolves' eyes making them glitter like the stars did at night. Azami was in front, leading the smaller wolf, Frost. Komori was Azami's little sister and Azami trusted her with all her heart. It was silent, the loudest noise they heard was their paw-steps. It was way too (To as in going to somewhere. Too as in WAY too something.) quiet for Azami, so she decided to make conversation (There should be no A in front).

(Woops! Next paragraph. It makes everything less baggy )

"What do you think is wrong, Frost?" Azami asked quietly.
(Woops! Skip Lines between dialogue! )
" Oh, Nothing big. Just not feeling well." Frost admitted.
" Okay (Always Okay, not OK), that's good." Azami paused. " We absolutely do not need a wolf of our pack dying."

The short conversation was pretty much over now. (One sentence is one idea. Thus do not mix these two sentences of different ideas by putting a comma) Azami looked ahead, and seeing (You wrote 'seen' a lot. It is 'Seeing'. Seen is like the past participle of saw or something. Seeing is to see something) her sister Komori, sitting on the edge of the rocks were she lived (Yeah? You said Azami looked up, and, seeing her sister on the rocks where she lived. There should be something after this. What did she do Seeing her sister on the rock where she lived?).

The sun's bright rays that gave off light were shining down on Komori, letting Frost know she was there (I would describe this a tad more. The smells, the sounds of the lapsing ocean and stuff like that.) . Azami began running to her sister, with Frost following behind. Soon enough, their large paws hit the rocks, and Komori greeted with a friendly hello.
"Hello Azami." She paused.
" What seems to be the problem, you only come here if some one is .." Komori, seeing the other wolf, Frost, stopped her question (Or alternatively. Komori saw the other wolf, Frost, and stopper her question.)
"Could you please look at her, she doesn’t feel well." Azami pointed out the obvious.
" Sure." Komori said bringing the brown and white she-wolf with her.

Frost was scared, she had told Azami it wasn't anything big, but what if it was? She trusted Komori, she knew Komori wouldn't hurt her. Frost answered all of Komori's questions truthfully to make sure she got the correct answers, she was scared to know what was wrong. Komori looked up with a face that you could read meant she was confused.

"Honestly, I don't know what is wrong," Komori said putting her head down in shame, she'd never failed before.
"That's okay," Azami said, knowing Komori tried her best, but she still wanted to know what was wrong with Frost.

I hope nothing is seriously wrong, Frost thought with blurry vision. It was getting worse, she just didn't tell Azami. She had enough on her hands and didn't need to deal with Frost's sickness. Frost hopped it was just today she wasn't feeling well, because if not she had a good chance of death which wouldn't be good for the group of wolves she lived amongst.
***
Azami was the dominate female, she could leave the camp whenever she pleased. She padded over to Blizzard, the dominate male, who was watching over the camp while Azami was out.

"Sorry, I was out with frost." Azami said apologizing to Blizzard.
"It's okay," Blizzard replied. Then ( I got confused here. After reading on, I thought Azami was running off. Clarity. Peace. Love. Spread it. turning to Frost, "Why don't you go guarding?"
"Yes ,Blizzard," Frost (Clarity. Peace. Love. Spread it. ) replied.

Frost padded off, alone. Wind blew in her face bringing snow along, getting in the way of her sight as she ran quickly to guard. A familiar voice rang in her ears. "Wait up!" Kafel shouted loudly so Frost would hear him nice and clear.
"Guarding?" Frost asked. Why did she ask that?)
"Yes. Blizzard said there is a wolf in our territory, but not any pack wolf."
" Really?" Frost said(You changed tense hear. You changed to present instead of past. That broke the sentence). Kafel nodded and ran to her side. Crunch, Crunch. (I wouldn't use onomatopoeia, which is stuff like BOOM! WOOSH! here.) Frost and Kafel's heads (They have different heads) jerked. A big, black wolf was standing behind them with an angry stare. Frost tried to run but Kafel kept her still. Don't move, Kafel thought. The black wolf approached them quickly not giving Frost and Kafel much time to think. Kafel lowered his muzzle and snarled at the wolf. They became a tangling, deadly fight.The wolf bit his shoulder, but Kafel snarled and lashed at his shoulder. The wolf snarled and bit deeper into his shoulder. (So is that the tangling fight? Bighting. I know it's realistic, but sometimes you've gotta sacrifice that for sequence) Kafel whimpered. Frost jumped up, helping Kafel (How? They don't have thumbs do they? But maybe I'm just a wolf ignorant homo spaien). Scratching the wolf, leaving a deep and bloody wound. The wolf, bit Frost, pushing her to the side. The larger wolf was winning. The wolf tore at Kafel's flank then clawed his muzzle. Kafel fell back and the wolf raced away. (Ah, much better fight. But still, you did say They became a...)

Frost gasped at the amount of blood seeping out of Kafel and herself. She was so terrified, she looked up and howled as loud as she could. Soon, Azami and Okami were there.

"Oh my!" Okami gasped.
"Let's get him back to camp." Azami said.

Frost,Okami, and Azami took him back to camp. Kafel staggered into camp and collapsed in the middle, blood seeping.
" Are you okay?" Blizzard asked.
"No" Kafel said barely breathing.
"You'll be okay." Okami reassured him, curling up by his side. "I'll be back," Azami said padding out of camp.
Frost's illness was making her unsteady

Azami was worried. Kafel had gotten attacked by Kage, her brother. She padded over to were Kage stayed. She sniffed the air, he was there. Azami waited for her brother come out. It wouldn't be long until Kage darted out of his den, sniffing the air, recognizing the scent.
"A-a-zami?" Kage stuttered.
"Hello Kage." Azami replied.
"Why were you on my pack territory? And why did you attack Kafel?"
"Whoa, whoa, whoa. Slow down. I did NOT (We'll discuss this in italics)attack Kafel! He saw me and darted onto my back."
Azami felt Kage was lying and demanded to know the truth "Is this true?"
"I swear. I was padding, minding my own business when he attacked. So, I fought back." Kage paused. " Would I lie?"
"No," Azami said to her brother.
"What did you want anyway?"
"I wanted to take part in a wolf pack. I knew you'd accept you brother." Kage said.
"Ok then. Follow me" Azami said leading her brother to her pack of wolves.

Kage and Azami arrived at their pack. Kafel, Frost, Okami, and Blizzard looked at the strange wolf. Kage was nothing like Azami, and the pack could already tell. Azami's expression let her pack know everything was okay. Okami walked over to Azami. "Who is that?" Okami whispered in Azami's ear.
"I'm getting to that." Azami said. " Pack, This is my brother Kage." Kafel recognized the wolf's fur and scent. He snarled at him in the same order he had before, when Kafel had attacked Kage. Traitor, Kafel thought.
" Now, now. You've all heard and seen Kafel got into a fight with this wolf. I am not taking sides, but Kage's story is likely. He will be a member of the pack. No ifs,ands, or buts about it." Azami said.
"Thank you so much, Azami." Kage said.
"So, were do we sleep? Who gives us orders?"
"Blizzard and I give orders. You sleep outside or in large dens." Azami said.
"Never thought my little sister would be giving me orders," Kage said. Azami snarled. He better watch it, Azami thought to herself. She was tired, so she rested her body on the long, cold rocks. She hoped Blizzard would watch over the pack while she rested.
***
Okami circled back and forth waiting for Azami to awake. Okami's paw-steps were getting louder and louder on the thin rock. Moments later, Azami's head peered up (This is funny, because it should Azami peered up. Azami control her head, yes?). She looked around, then yawned, and spoke up.
"Yes, Okami?" Azami asked.
"We are low on fresh kill. I- I wanted to make sure it was okay to leave camp and who to take with, and Blizzard said I should wake you up now. So, I figured I'd ask you while I was here." Okami replied.
"That's fine. You may go alone, or take Kage. He is an excellent hunter." Azami told her.
"I'll go get him, now. Bye Azami!" Okami said.

Azami walked over to Blizzard. Seeing he was sitting on a rock watching over his territory, Azami sat next to him. The cold snow fell on their heads, but they continued watching in case something happened to their camp. The sun's rays made Azami's eyes glitter (You like glittering eyes, don't you? How's this - ). Blizzard looked over at Azami.

"Is your brother adjusting to pack-life okay?"
"Yes. He is with Okami, hunting now." Azami replied kindly.
"Watching is boring." Blizzard said.
"What are you watching?" Frost asked as she came up to Azami and Blizzard.
"Watching our camp." Azami answered before Blizzard could.
"Then I agree, it bor-" Frost said getting cut off.

Blizzard darted down. Over to the entrance of the territory, barking like a dog at a cat. He snarled at a (It should be 'a' because we have not met this wolf before. Get it?) lone wolf. Waiting for him to back off, but he didn't (Bad sentence make-up. [color=#40FFFF]He waited for him to back off. But he didn't is better)[/color]. Quickly, Azami showed (Did what? Change to appeared.) up behind Blizzard snarling.
"You'd better go, things could get ugly." Azami barked.
"I'd like to see a girl, hurt me." The wolf growled.
"You have no idea what Azami is capable of." Blizzard chuckled.

The white wolf jumped onto Blizzard but Azami knocked him down and pinned him with her sharp claws. Azami laughed and yelled, "Get!" very loudly scaring the wolf off. Blizzard laughed as did Frost Sounds a tad better constructed). Moments later, Kage and Okami showed up.
"We ran here as fast as we possibly could" Kage said. "What happened?"
"Nothing." Blizzard said seeing the large prey the had brought back. Before digging into their fat, juicy, deer they checked the unusually quiet camp. They scanned the dens cautiously, and carefully in (Space) case something was wrong. Kage sniffed the fresh winter air (No commas) but everything was the same, and how it should be, but then another (Leave out pack's. Because in the next sentence, you say Axel. I don't think the whole pack smell like Axel) scent filled the air were Kage was standing. It smelt like Axel, leader of another pack.

"Wolves of my pack, as you know, we need to talk with the other packs. I've decided we needed to set up a talk with them, it shall be in just a few days. There will be 6 wolves there, 2 from each pack." Azami said

***

It was sunrise and Azami was not up, she was quite worn (Not wore) out from yesterday, her body was stretched out on long, cold, black rock. Blizzard let her sleep, while he looked after the camp. The sun's warm rays kept them warm, but not to warm to melt the snow (really unnesacary. More in redundancy). All the wolves of the pack hoped today would be less dramatic than it was the previous day but with their luck, it probably wouldn't. It was still early, so Blizzard let his pack rest or roam freely.

"Morning Blizzard" Azami greeted him half awake.
"I'm going down to the river."
"Mm okay" He replied. Azami padded down to the river, she was thirsty. Good thing a bit a ice was melted to provide water for her dry mouth. Unexpectedly, she saw Kage sitting there. She pretended like she didn't see him, she wasn't ready to have a conversation this early. She washed her muzzle in the melted ice. She drank a bit and headed (You don't go to go and. You just go, get it?) back to camp. Azami decided she could use some alone time so she stayed out. Thank God (Mark of respect to spell God with a capital. Regardless of religon. Wouldn't it be better if it was Thank Purity? Just a question) for having Alpha Male and Beta wolf, she thought.

Azami ran in the open field, wind blowing through her fur. She wasn't on anyone's territory, she was safe and free. I hope no one sees me, Azami thought. If someone had seen her, she’d have been dead. The whole land would have been talking about how the alpha female was running in the field, playing around. Axel would make a big ordeal and then he’d have a good excuse for attacking (Which would be?). Azami’s pack had always been nice to his pack, and in return they got various attacks. That still would not stop them (We discussed pronouns previously, right?) pack from living in that land. Her pack had lived there since the ancient wolves, always have and always will. Nothing Axel could do would make her pack leave, She thought. (Here, I would end off maybe with her freedom. Forget the last part)

***

Azami was trotting along on her way back to camp. She was thinking of things she needed to do before she reached camp, so it wouldn’t look like she forgot (What did she forget? How long has it been?), even though she did. Cool winter air blew in her brown fur, making her feel so free. But before she knew it, she was(Change of tense. You said before she knew it. Meaning Past Tense she would meaning seomthing not past tense ) be back to being in charge and doing nothing exciting.

~Mackenzie wrote:Komori was Azami's little sister and Azami trusted her with all her heart.

~Mackenzie wrote:Azami felt Kage was lying and demanded to know the truth " Is this true?"

~Mackenzie wrote:Frost was scared ... she was scared to know what was wrong.

~Mackenzie wrote:" Oh, Nothing big. Just not feeling well." Frost admitted. " Ok, thats good." Azami paused. " We absolutely do not need a wolf of our pack dying."

~Mackenzie wrote:The sun's warm rays kept them warm, but not to warm to melt the snow.

~Mackenzie wrote:Frost's illness was making her unsteady

~Mackenzie wrote: Unexpectedly, she seen Kage sitting there. She pretended like she didn't see him, she wasn't ready to have a conversation this early.

~Mackenzie wrote:She drank a bit and went to head back to camp. Azami decided she could use some alone time so she stayed out.

Goddes of the sky, much better!

Thank you for the review, I apprecaite it. I cannot review yours at the moment, but I will. Welcome-ish to YWS.

Hey Mackenzie. I'm newish to YWS, but I thought I'd start doing some reviews so your book is my first real review on YWS.

Nice job with the story, I do like the concept of wolves. However it needs a fair bit of editing before it's something I'd class as brilliant or amazing. Things like the names of the wolves which are somewhat dull, I personally would of thought in a story about wolves they'd be given slightly more notable names like the Swiftrunner from Dragon Age Origins who has a name that is catchy and easy to remember.

Also, the way you phrase your words like "The wolf, bit Frost, pushing her to the side", which should be phrased "The wolf bit frost, pushing her to the side". You see with the comma between The wolf and bit frost it's breaking the wolf and bit frost in two where really they should be together like I wrote in blue above.

By the way, if you wouldn't mind. Could you swing by my story called The Wandering Elves. I'm in desperate need for some reviews, as it's in the harsh stages of fine tuning and others opinions always help. You can find it's link below
-http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/post659837.html#p659837

You do that! And also, could I ask you a favor? If you have the time, I need some reviews on my Romance Fantasy. I'm new to romance so I would like to see others opinion on how I did. Here's the link- topic58724.html
If you can, thanks! Keep up the good work!

ok, I change the heal thing!

Hey Mackenzie, Its Izi here to review. I decide to only review the preface for now, but so you know-
Red- Needs editing
Blue- What I would change it to

~Mackenzie wrote:Preface
The pale moonlight shined through the branches of the trees, glowing onto the wolves fur. It wasn't bright enough to wake them, but light enough for Purity to watch over them. A young wolf sat under a tree, awake. The pretty young wolf's name was Frost.Frost's grey eyes were glittering as she watched the wolves sleep. Another young wolf,Azami, sensed Frost up.[I would change this to awake] Azami stretched out and walked over to Frost.She[You seem to not space between sentences a lot. Try to change those] scanned Frost's white and brown coat, to see if anything was wrong.
" You don't look well." Azami said concernedly.
" I, I feel odd" Frost admitted.
" Why don't why travel up to Komori?" Azami pointing out. " She will heal you."[When you say heal, that doesn't sound quite right to me. When someone feels odd, they don't need to be healed ._.]
" Can we wait until sunrise?" Frost asked as it would seem odd leaving at nite.
Azami nodded[,] and she laid with Frost,[Not needed] until the sun raised. Then, they'd leave camp before it would be to late in day to go. Frost could tell Azami didn’t want to take her, but she knew Azami went by one simple rule: Pack comes before yourself. Frost liked this rule, you have to be devoted to your pack if you want to survive. Every wolf should follow this, but most chose not to. That’s what caused trouble between the packs of the land. Stealing from humans, tress passing, the battles, it all was just so wrong. Frost sat there and thought and thought and thought until she fell asleep under the twinkling stars and glittering moonlight.

I'd also like to say Azami, having her fear? If you read the whole thing, it's not a fear but

TheNewHero wrote:Hero here! Now, to review.

~Mackenzie wrote:Note if you cannot handle blood, you shouldn't read this.
"read alittle and review what you read, you don't
have to do it all at once"
Preface

This is my re-write of your story. It was a bit flawed and badly punctuated, so here's whtat it should have looked like:

~Mackenzie wrote:Preface
The pale moonlight shone through the branches of the trees, glowing onto the wolves' fur. It wasn't bright enough to wake them, but light enough for Purity to watch over them. A young wolf sat under a tree, awake. The pretty young wolf's name was Frost. Frost's gray eyes were glittering as she watched the wolves sleep. Another young wolf, Azami, sensed Frost up. Azami stretched out and walked over to Frost.She scanned Frost's white and brown coat, to see if anything was wrong."You don't look well." Azami said concerned. " I... I feel odd" Frost admitted.
" Why don't why travel up to Komori?" Azami pointing out. " She will heal you."" Can we wait until sunrise?" Frost asked as it would seem odd leaving at nite. Azami nodded and she laid with Frost, until the sun raised. Then, they'd leave camp before it would be to late in day to go. Frost could tell Azami didn’t want to take her, but she knew Azami went by one simple rule: Pack comes before yourself. Frost liked this rule, you have to be devoted to your pack if you want to survive. Every wolf should follow this, but most chose not to. That’s what caused trouble between the packs of the land. Stealing from humans, tress passing, the battles, it all was just so wrong. Frost sat there and thought and thought and thought until she fell asleep under the twinkling stars and glittering moonlight.

This was interesting enough. However, I should mention that your grammar and language was not up to standard:

There's a space after comma. Now, I am only reviewing the first preface so that is what I am talking about. Read through it, and most likely the whole story, and see what is wrong. Were you writing on YWS or NotePad? I know most writing things Lke Microsoft or OPenOffice would have an adequate spell check. use them. Really read through your work before you post anything. And like I said, you shouldn't ever post a long amount like this. It turns reviewers off.

Okay, my review:

The first thing that turns people on is your story, it sounds really interesting and your character ( I believe she is female, yes?) seems really kind and caring and moral. I agree with the whole wolves thing. If I were you, I'd keep this character the same throughout. She's great. Maybe you might want to develop a fear in her? Something that ties her greatest quality with her worst fear. Something to make me really love her.
Firs thing that turns the reader OFF is your grammar and language. It is common courtesy to check your work for problems. And if (Like I once experienced) did not have a proper office suite like Microsoft Office or OpenOffice and are using Wordpad or notepad, send me an attachment and I'll spellcheck with OpenOffice. By the way YWS has a spell check. I cannot stress how important it is to get your basic writing right. But I already have, haven't I?
Do not assume we'll read your whole story. I know you didn't when you said read a bit, review a bit, BUT you did when you talked about Purity. In the preface/prologue, you should NEVER write about something without giving a hint of suspense, confusion, wonder or explaining this. I thought when you said Purity you would start writing about her. But you instead wrote about the wolf and I wondered "Where's purity?"
Back to basic writing and grammar. I think this was very poor. You kept writing: Azami Said, Frost Pointed out, Azami asked, Frost said, Azami this, Frost that. When you are writing between two characters, obviously the next line will be by the other character.
Your punctuation was bad. After every full stop/period, comma, question mark after every everything, there should be a space. Also, don't just write dialogue from character to character. Skip lines with your dialogue, this is really proper.

I'll rewrite your preface, showing exactly what would have been better. I shall not, however, put anything in red.

~Mackenzie wrote:Pale moonlight shone through the branches of trees (Describe the trees). It wasn't bright enough to wake the wolves, but light enough for Purity to watch over them. (Once again, when will we meet Purity here? Pretending I swore never to read anything but a preface. Would Purity ever amount to anything in my mind?). A young wolf sat under a tree, awake. The pretty (Who said anything about pretty. If she's pretty, say so.) young wolf's name was Frost.Frost's gray eyes were glittering as she watched the other wolves sleep. Another young wolf,Azami, sensed Frost up (Huh?). She (We know it's Azami) stretched out and walked over to Frost. She scanned Frost's white and brown coat, to see if anything was wrong. "You don't look well." Azami said concernedly.
" I... I feel odd"
" Why don't why travel up to Komori? She will heal you."
"Can we wait until sunrise?" It would seem odd leaving at night, Frost thought. Azami nodded and she lay with Frost, until the sun rose. They would leave camp before it was too late in the day to go.

Frost could tell Azami didn’t want to take her, but she knew Azami, as did every other wolf, went by one simple rule: 'Pack comes before yourself.' Frost liked this rule, you have to be devoted to your pack if you want to survive. Every wolf should follow this, but most chose not to. That’s what caused trouble between the packs of the land. Stealing from humans, tress passing, the battles, it was just so wrong (What does this have to do with Pack before Self?). Frost sat there and thought until she fell asleep under the twinkling stars and glittering moonlight.

Okay, that was the part where I point out a few things. Now let me re-write without pointing out anything. You'll pick up on what was pointed out.

~Mackenzie wrote:Pale moonlight filtered through the tree branches and shone upon the wolves' fur. A young wolf named Frost sat under a tree and she watched the others. Another young wolf, Azami, sensed Frost up. She stretched out and walked over to Frost. She scanned Frost's white and brown coat, to see if anything was wrong. "You don't look well." Azami said.
" I... feel odd" Frost admitted.
"Why don't why travel up to Komori? She will heal you."
"Can we wait until sunrise?" Frost asked, as it would seem odd leaving at night. Azami nodded and she lay with Frost, until the sun rose.They would leave camp later on, before it was too late to go.

Frost could tell Azami didn’t want to take her, but she knew Azami went by one simple rule: Pack comes before yourself. Frost liked this rule, you'd have to be devoted to your pack if you wanted to survive. Every wolf should follow this, but most chose not to. That’s what caused trouble between the packs of the land. Stealing from humans, tress passing, the battles, it was just so wrong. Frost sat there and thoughtuntil she fell asleep under the twinkling stars and glittering moonlight.

Stick to your tense. There were a few places where you swapped:

~Mackenzie wrote:Azami nodded and she laid with Frost, until the sun raised. Then, they'd leave camp before it would be to late in day to go.

Read it aloud and compare with my re-write.

Basic Rules of writing:

Your words in quotation marks have no space between them and the quotes. " Hiya." is wrong. It should be "Hiya."
Your words after commas andfull-stops/periods have space: Hiya.My name is Jack. Is wrong. It should be: Hiya. My name is Jack.
Grammar and Language from Second Grade apply. But you had no problem with capitals and stuff. Also I liked you vocab. by the way
When you describe something, don't be ignorant of your senses. Imagine if God said you could only hear and see from now on. You might say, "Okay." until you realize most of the stuff you taste is actually a smell. Do your eyes water when you smell chillia or taste it? What doe sit matter if you see snow but don't feel it? Describe with ALL your senses.
Pronouns. Those are important things. Instead of Azami did this. Azami did that. Azami leapt over this. Azami rolled from. It could be Azami did this. She rolled over him. Ran past her. She kiled her. She ate them. Then she hit Hero in the face.
Brevity. This means making sentences as short as possible. You'll often hear baout this. A matric friend of mine (Actually two ) said Brevity = Correctitude. Meaning Don't write: She did this. She did that. She leapt over him. She killed him. (That's four sentences. Now watch the magic:) She did this and then that. Leaping over him, she proceeded to kill him. See? Only two sentences! This also helps you make your story less repitative. No one likes sentences starting the same. I give you two years until your teacher starts yelling at the other kids (Not you cause your a YWSer now): STOP STARTING EVERY SENTENCE WITH SO!! Blah blah, blah. Trust me

And that's it for your language.

Summary:
Language. Grammar.
Never introduce something unless you will properly introduce something.
Pronouns are helpful. Remember Breivty = Correctitude. it helps you writer 'Gooder'

This has been a review of your preface, NewHero style. Please, please! Take out this whole thing and repost it as only either Preface or Preface plus chapter 1. You will get way more reviews. Because Now you have to apply nearly everything I said to your entire story. And everything I'll say next to everything after Chap 1 and before. And pretty soon after every review you'll have to change 18 pages! Whilst you could have just listened to my first review and kept applying it as you grew in size. I know what you were thniking, but just post one thing. You get reviews of more quality..

Hero goes Up, up, down, up, continues leaping, up, up, down, up and away! But he's not flying, just leaping.

This piece has some editing work to be done, especially with punctiation. Below is almost all of the first chapter of your story (edited):

The pale moonlight shone through the branches of the trees, glowing onto the wolves fur. It wasn't bright enough to wake them, but light enough for Purity to watch over them. A young wolf sat under a tree, awake. The pretty young wolf's name was Frost. (space here)Frost's grey eyes were glittering as she watched the wolves sleep. Another young wolf,(space here)Azami, sensed Frost up. Azami stretched out and walked over to Frost. (space here)She scanned Frost's white and brown coat, to see if anything was wrong.
" You don't look well," Azami said concernedly.
" I, I feel odd," Frost admitted.
" Why don't why travel up to Komori?" Azami pointing out, " She will heal you."
" Can we wait until sunrise?" Frost asked as it would seem odd leaving at night.
Azami nodded and she laid with Frost, until the sun raised. Then, they'd leave camp before it would be to late (during the) day to go. Frost could tell Azami didn’t want to take her, but she knew Azami went by one simple rule: Pack comes before yourself. Frost liked this rule, you have to be devoted to your pack if you want to survive. Every wolf should follow this, but most chose not to. That’s what caused trouble between the packs of the land. Stealing from humans, tres (no space, one word)passing, the battles, it all was just so wrong. Frost sat there and thought and thought and thought until she fell asleep under the twinkling stars and glittering moonlight.


Chapter 1
The sun's rays shone in the wolves eyes making them glitter like the stars did at night. Azami was in front, leading the smaller wolf, Frost. Komori was Azami's little sister,(no comma) and Azami trusted her with all her heart. It was silent, the loudest noise they heard was their paw-steps. It was way to quiet for Azami, so she decided to make a conversation.
" What do you think is wrong, Frost?" Azami said quietly.
" Oh, Nothing big. Just not feeling well," Frost admitted.
" Ok, thats good," Azami paused, " We absolutely do not need a wolf of our pack dying."
The short conversation was pretty much over now. Azami looked ahead, and saw her sister Komori, (no comma) sitting on the edge of rocks were she lived. The sun's bright rays that gave off light were shining down on Komori, letting Frost know she was there. Azami began running to her sister, with Frost following behind. Soon enough, their large paws hit the rocks, and Komori greeted with a friendly hello.
"Hello Azami," She paused, " What seems to be the problem, you only come here if some one is .." Komori sees the other wolf, Frost, and stopped her question.
" Could you please look at her, she doesn’t feel well," Azami pointed out the obvious.
" Sure," Komori said bringing the brown and white she wolf with her.
Frost was scared, she had told Azami it wasn't anything big, but what if it was? She trusted Komori, she knew Komori wouldn't hurt her. Frost answered all of Komori's questions truthfully to make sure she got the correct answers, she was scared to know what was wrong. Komori looked up with a face that you could read, (no comma here) she was confused.
" Honestly, I don't know what is wrong," Komori said putting her head down in shame, she'd never failed before.
" That's okay," Azami said, knowing Komori tried her best, but she still wanted to know what was wrong with Frost.
'I hope nothing is seriously wrong' Frost thought with blurry vision. It was getting worse, she just didn't tell Azami. She had enough on her hands and didn't need to deal with Frost's sickness. Frost hopped it was just today she wasn't feeling well, because if not she had a good chance of death which wouldn't be good for the group of wolves she lived amongst.
***
Azami was dominate female, she could leave the camp whenever she pleased. She padded over to Blizzard, the dominate male, who was watching over the camp while Azami was out.
" Sorry, I was out with frost," Azami said apologizing to Blizzard.
" It's okay," Blizzard replied turning to Frost, " Why don't you go guarding?"
" Yes,Blizzard," She replied.
Frost padded off, alone. Wind blew in her face bringing snow along, getting in the way of her sight,(no comma) as she ran quickly to guard. A familiar voice rang in her ears.
" Wait up!" Kafel shouted loudly so Frost would hear him nice and clear.
"Guarding?" Frost asked.
" Yes. Blizzard said there is a wolf on our territory, but not any pack wolf."
" Really?" Frost says.
Kafel nodded and ran to her side. Crunch, Crunch. Frost and Kafel's head jerked. A big, (lowcase b) Black wolf was standing behind them with an angry stare. Frost tried to run but Kafel kept her still. 'Don't move' Kafel thought. The black wolf, (no comma) approached them quickly not giving Frost and Kafel much time to think.
Kafel lowered his muzzle and snarled at the wolf. They became a tangling, deadly fight.The wolf bit his shoulder, but Kafel snarled and lashed at his shoulder. The wolf snarled and bit deeper into his shoulder. Kafel whimpered. Frost jumped up, helping Kafel. Scratching the wolf, leaving a deep and bloody wound. The wolf, (no comma) bit Frost, pushing her to the side.
The larger wolf was winning.The wolf tore at Kafel's flank then clawed his muzzle. Kafel fell back and the wolf raced away.

Frost gasped at the amount of blood seeping out of Kafel and herself. She was so terrified, she looked up and howled as loud as she could. Soon, Azami and Okami were there.
" Oh my!" Okami gasped.
" Let's get him back to camp," Azami said.
Frost,Okami, and Azami took him back to camp. Kafel staggered into camp and collapsed in the middle, blood seeping.
" Are you okay?" Blizzard asked.
" No," Kafel said barely breathing.
"You'll be ok," Okami reassured him, curling up by his side.
"I'll be back," Azami said padding out of camp.
Frost's illness was making her unsteady.


Azami was worried. Kafel had gotten attacked by Kage, (space here)her brother. She padded over to where Kage stayed. She sniffed the air, he was there. Azami waited for her brother come out. It wouldn't be long until Kage darted out of his den, sniffing the air, recognizing the scent.
" A-a-zami?" Kage stuttered.
" Hello Kage," Azami replied, " Why were you on my pack territory? And why did you attack Kafel?"
" Whoa,(space here)whoa,(space here)whoa. (capital s) slow down. I did NOT attack Kafel! He saw me and darted onto my back."
Azami felt Kage was lying and demanded to know the truth. " Is this true?"
" I swear. I was padding, minding my own business when he attacked. So, I fought back," Kage paused, " Would I lie?"
"No," Azami said to her brother, " What did you want anyway?"
" I wanted to take part in a wolf pack. I knew you'd accept you brother," Kage said.
" Ok then. Follow me," Azami said leading her brother to her pack of wolves.
Kage and Azami arrived at their pack. Kafel, (space here)Frost, (space here) Okami, (no comma) and Blizzard looked at the strange wolf. Kage was nothing like Azami, and the pack could already tell. Azami's expression let her pack know everything was okay. Okami walked over to Azami.
"Who is that?" Okami whispered in Azami's ear.
"I'm getting to that," Azami said, " Pack, This is my brother Kage."
Kafel recognized the wolf's fur and scent. He snarled at him in the same order he had before. When Kafel attacked Kage. Traitor, (space here) Kafel thought.
"Now, now. You've all heard and seen Kafel got into a fight with this wolf. I am not taking sides, but Kage's story is likely. He will be a member of the pack. No ifs,ands, or buts about it," Azami said.
"Thank you so much, Azami," Kage said, " So, were do we sleep? Who gives us orders?"
"Blizzard and I give orders. You sleep outside in camp or in large dens." Azami said.
"Never thought my little sister would be giving me orders" Kage said.
Azami snarled. He better watch it, Azami thought to herself. She was tired, so she rested her body on the long, cold rocks. She hoped blizzard would watch over the pack while she rested.

Hero here! Now, to review.

~Mackenzie wrote:Note if you cannot handle blood, you shouldn't read this.
"read alittle and review what you read, you don't
have to do it all at once"
Preface

This is my re-write of your story. It was a bit flawed and badly punctuated, so here's whtat it should have looked like:

~Mackenzie wrote:Preface
The pale moonlight shone through the branches of the trees, glowing onto the wolves' fur. It wasn't bright enough to wake them, but light enough for Purity to watch over them. A young wolf sat under a tree, awake. The pretty young wolf's name was Frost. Frost's gray eyes were glittering as she watched the wolves sleep. Another young wolf, Azami, sensed Frost up. Azami stretched out and walked over to Frost.She scanned Frost's white and brown coat, to see if anything was wrong."You don't look well." Azami said concerned. " I... I feel odd" Frost admitted.
" Why don't why travel up to Komori?" Azami pointing out. " She will heal you."" Can we wait until sunrise?" Frost asked as it would seem odd leaving at nite. Azami nodded and she laid with Frost, until the sun raised. Then, they'd leave camp before it would be to late in day to go. Frost could tell Azami didn’t want to take her, but she knew Azami went by one simple rule: Pack comes before yourself. Frost liked this rule, you have to be devoted to your pack if you want to survive. Every wolf should follow this, but most chose not to. That’s what caused trouble between the packs of the land. Stealing from humans, tress passing, the battles, it all was just so wrong. Frost sat there and thought and thought and thought until she fell asleep under the twinkling stars and glittering moonlight.

This was interesting enough. However, I should mention that your grammar and language was not up to standard:

There's a space after comma. Now, I am only reviewing the first preface so that is what I am talking about. Read through it, and most likely the whole story, and see what is wrong. Were you writing on YWS or NotePad? I know most writing things Lke Microsoft or OPenOffice would have an adequate spell check. use them. Really read through your work before you post anything. And like I said, you shouldn't ever post a long amount like this. It turns reviewers off.

Okay, my review:

The first thing that turns people on is your story, it sounds really interesting and your character ( I believe she is female, yes?) seems really kind and caring and moral. I agree with the whole wolves thing. If I were you, I'd keep this character the same throughout. She's great. Maybe you might want to develop a fear in her? Something that ties her greatest quality with her worst fear. Something to make me really love her.
Firs thing that turns the reader OFF is your grammar and language. It is common courtesy to check your work for problems. And if (Like I once experienced) did not have a proper office suite like Microsoft Office or OpenOffice and are using Wordpad or notepad, send me an attachment and I'll spellcheck with OpenOffice. By the way YWS has a spell check. I cannot stress how important it is to get your basic writing right. But I already have, haven't I?
Do not assume we'll read your whole story. I know you didn't when you said read a bit, review a bit, BUT you did when you talked about Purity. In the preface/prologue, you should NEVER write about something without giving a hint of suspense, confusion, wonder or explaining this. I thought when you said Purity you would start writing about her. But you instead wrote about the wolf and I wondered "Where's purity?"
Back to basic writing and grammar. I think this was very poor. You kept writing: Azami Said, Frost Pointed out, Azami asked, Frost said, Azami this, Frost that. When you are writing between two characters, obviously the next line will be by the other character.
Your punctuation was bad. After every full stop/period, comma, question mark after every everything, there should be a space. Also, don't just write dialogue from character to character. Skip lines with your dialogue, this is really proper.

I'll rewrite your preface, showing exactly what would have been better. I shall not, however, put anything in red.

~Mackenzie wrote:Pale moonlight shone through the branches of trees (Describe the trees). It wasn't bright enough to wake the wolves, but light enough for Purity to watch over them. (Once again, when will we meet Purity here? Pretending I swore never to read anything but a preface. Would Purity ever amount to anything in my mind?). A young wolf sat under a tree, awake. The pretty (Who said anything about pretty. If she's pretty, say so.) young wolf's name was Frost.Frost's gray eyes were glittering as she watched the other wolves sleep. Another young wolf,Azami, sensed Frost up (Huh?). She (We know it's Azami) stretched out and walked over to Frost. She scanned Frost's white and brown coat, to see if anything was wrong. "You don't look well." Azami said concernedly.
" I... I feel odd"
" Why don't why travel up to Komori? She will heal you."
"Can we wait until sunrise?" It would seem odd leaving at night, Frost thought. Azami nodded and she lay with Frost, until the sun rose. They would leave camp before it was too late in the day to go.

Frost could tell Azami didn’t want to take her, but she knew Azami, as did every other wolf, went by one simple rule: 'Pack comes before yourself.' Frost liked this rule, you have to be devoted to your pack if you want to survive. Every wolf should follow this, but most chose not to. That’s what caused trouble between the packs of the land. Stealing from humans, tress passing, the battles, it was just so wrong (What does this have to do with Pack before Self?). Frost sat there and thought until she fell asleep under the twinkling stars and glittering moonlight.

Okay, that was the part where I point out a few things. Now let me re-write without pointing out anything. You'll pick up on what was pointed out.

~Mackenzie wrote:Pale moonlight filtered through the tree branches and shone upon the wolves' fur. A young wolf named Frost sat under a tree and she watched the others. Another young wolf, Azami, sensed Frost up. She stretched out and walked over to Frost. She scanned Frost's white and brown coat, to see if anything was wrong. "You don't look well." Azami said.
" I... feel odd" Frost admitted.
"Why don't why travel up to Komori? She will heal you."
"Can we wait until sunrise?" Frost asked, as it would seem odd leaving at night. Azami nodded and she lay with Frost, until the sun rose.They would leave camp later on, before it was too late to go.

Frost could tell Azami didn’t want to take her, but she knew Azami went by one simple rule: Pack comes before yourself. Frost liked this rule, you'd have to be devoted to your pack if you wanted to survive. Every wolf should follow this, but most chose not to. That’s what caused trouble between the packs of the land. Stealing from humans, tress passing, the battles, it was just so wrong. Frost sat there and thoughtuntil she fell asleep under the twinkling stars and glittering moonlight.

Stick to your tense. There were a few places where you swapped:

~Mackenzie wrote:Azami nodded and she laid with Frost, until the sun raised. Then, they'd leave camp before it would be to late in day to go.

Okay, sorry to bust your bubbles, but this isn't ready to be published...

First, you need to get better at your phrasing.

Frost asked as it would seem odd leaving at nite. (Is 'nite' suppose to be 'night' or 'nine'?)

"tress passing" is one word.

You use the names of the wolves too much, and since this is a book about wolves, you shouldn't keep using "she/he said"... You should use: Growled, barked, snarled, just like with cats, they'll say: "She mewed".

" I, I feel odd" Frost admitted. (I think it should be: " I... I feel odd" Frost admitted.)

" Hi Kurai." (Should be: " Hi, Kurai.")

Azami was dominate female, (Should have either 'the' in there, or 'a'. I'd go with 'the'.)

You use 'said' and 'asked' a terribly lot, so you should try avoiding it sometimes. When getting published, editors will look through everything. That is maybe fix a few things they don't like, small phrasings, and typos, but they can't change everything for you. That's just too much work.

Before digging into their fat, juicy, deer they checked the unusually quiet camp. (Should have a comma after 'deer'.)

You aren't precise on your details either. It's good when you're not with everything, because you need to leave some imagination to the reader, but this barely has any detail. It seems more like you telling instead of showing. (Search it up if you don't know what I mean. All you have do to is "Show, don't tell" on Google and it will pop up.)

Most critics will give false information, on saying "Show, don't tell.", and while it's an irritatingly famous saying, they give it wrongly. You cannot always show. If you always show, you'll always be giving everything out on a platter to the readers. Like I said, you need to leave some imagery to the readers, and make them wonder, not just know it so easily due to the details. You show when you really want the reader to feel it, or see it, and you tell when 'showing' gets old. You can't always show, because then, the reader will not even know it, and it all becomes the same, and so you revert to telling.

I read the first 'paragraph', and most of the dialogue, and then skipped over a few things, but I know for a fact that you are lacking detail. A lot, of detail.

It might hurt, but it's the truth. You need to edit, and edit, and edit, and edit, then re-edit the edits of editing. Then, finally when you decide you want to publish it, and you got amazing reviews on it, edit again for the heck of it.

A writing needs to be as perfect as can be. It does not matter if you're good for your age, but how good you are at all. A publisher won't care about your age, but your gift to write.

Often, a writer will get carried away when they post their stories on the internet. Why? Because they will get reviews, that are really just comments, going, "Wow! This is amazing, you're really good for your age." Things like that, don't listen. That is needless flattery, and it shows that they are inexperienced in the fields of writing. These too:

"Wow, this is great! Already hooked."

"I love it!!! I can't wait for more, this is really good."

"You're such an amazing writer, I wish I could write like you."

And... If you're going to write a story about wolves, you need to know A LOT, about them (Also like knowing every difference a wolf has between a dog). And I mean A LOT. To the point, that you think you've got the image of how a real life wolf would act in your story. You need to become the animal... Same goes for characters, both human, monsters, and animals. These are wolves, so they don't have much character as a human could, but they still require some working. They need to be more wolf-like too. It seems more like they were humans, that just turned into wolves. Maybe I was readin' about wolves, but I wasn't convinced.
+++
The pale moonlight shone through the branches of the trees, shedding onto the wolves fur (That sounds better. Maybe use another word than "shedding", but you should not use "glowing"...)

This might all sound negative, and at this point, you probably don't care for what I'm going to say. I did like it, it was kinda interesting, but a lot of work is needed. Even if it's not ready to be published though, it does have potential.
++++
Few things...

Dialogue could be done better. It just seemed strange, since they are wolves and not humans. (Or at least form what I've read)

The format could be done better. For every chapter, you need to make it... another page, or whatever, and make the chapter 'title' bigger, so it's noticeable to the point it doesn't seem like there's "Chapter one", being said in the story.
++++
Now, the author.

The author needs to really feel their characters, and become them. Animals or not, you need to do this. You need to know EXACTLY how they would react to EVERY situation. It's very hard to be a writer, so I'm giving this out while I can. You need to consider the reader too, and not fall into a category of Mary-sue... Her curse is dreadful, and it makes your readers angry. (Look up Mary-sue if you don't know what I'm talking about. There's also tips on how to avoid her, like flaws for one) You actually need to consider everything... Which is why it's difficult. And for a series, or a very long book, you should keep notes if you might forget something. You need to not use the same words over, and... Okay, well, you can learn this as you go on, from your mistakes, not the ones I've seen xD.

Becoming a writer, means taking a lot of criticism. (Also staying up light at night and writing or waking up early and writing XD!) So, you need to get a really hard shell, like a turtle's! And as I write this, I forgot everything I was going to say... Anyways, you need to search up a lot of things. They might seem boring, but they help. I'll give you a few links...

This site is very helpful. Click on the tags, and read away. Listen . (Also, when reading other books, observe.)

http://www.plottopunctuation.com/blog/index/character

That's a lot about developing a character. (If you click on the right tags)

This is "Show, not tell."

http://foremostpress.com/authors/articl ... _tell.html

I hope I helped in a at least SOME way, even if it was a little...

Wolfdaemon wrote:hi! i am here to comment on your story, as you may all ready know! first off, i love wolves (my fav animal) so i love them in here lol.
i really liked your people and story, i would really like to hear more about it! sparked meh curiosity!

hi! i am here to comment on your story, as you may all ready know! first off, i love wolves (my fav animal) so i love them in here lol.
i really liked your people and story, i would really like to hear more about it! sparked meh curiosity!