Young Writers Society

Hello everyone.

This story is about the Elves in my fantasy realm of Elorenn. This story should provide you with some history into why things are the way they are when I write my main Fantasy in Elorenn. Also, the name of the story is liable to change when I can find one that's more suitable than the Wandering Elves.

I'm always up for reviews, and enjoy reading this short story.

The sun had begun to set, it's warm light slowly retracting from the openings between the trees that shielded a large Elvin camp from outsiders view.

A young, Elvin boy around the age of fifteen approached the small group of Elves, each with a longbow slung over their shoulder's. "Greetings. Amaril, Galaril and Urolas" smiled the young Elf, as a small beam of light caught his golden hair.

"Greetings to you also, Theion" replied Amaril, who wore his white hair tied back into a short ponytail, much like Theion's. "Are you ready? For your test you must head into the forest and return with a branch from the Tree of Ancients from which your bow shall be crafted" Theion nodded, he was confident that he could complete this task, despite the tales he had been told about the misfortune of many young Elves who ventured into the depths of the forest "That is if you can endure what lurks in the depths of this forest" added Amaril, this time with a darker, more serious tone to his voice.

"Quel marth (Good Luck), young one" called Amaril, as he watched Theion stride towards the entrance of the forest, with only a small knife at his side to protect him. "He'll be okay Amaril, this boy's shown more than enough potential to get through this, I trust in his abilities" reassured Galaril, placing his hand on his friend's shoulder. Amaril smiled "You're right and don't forget how he pestered us for weeks, asking if he could take the task ahead of time. He must be ready, or at least well and truly confident"...

----

Darkness shrouded Theion, the suns light had no chance of breaking through the dense treetops. Leaving the forest in almost eternal darkness, the only light source where the lanterns that hung of the trees to guide ones path through the forest. Carefully, the young Elf walked through the forest. "Curse this place, curse this darkness" he muttered, keeping his voice at a low with the fear of drawing the forests inhabitants attention to himself.

A loud snarling erupted from the dark path that branched to his right, Theion's hand dropped down to his waist and pulled his small blade from it's scabbard. It let out a small hiss as the Elven steel was pulled from it's hard leather casing, "Wolves" whispered Theion, taking a step backwards from the path. The lanterns light caught the creature's silvery fur as it stepped from the darkness and into the greenish glow of the lanterns. It snarled once more, before leaping at Theion who dashed to one side causing the wolf to crash into a tangle of thick tree roots behind his Elven prey. The beast scrambled to it's feet, bearing it's razor fangs in what looked like an attempt to scare Theion. The silvery blade slipped between Theion's fingertips, he watched the wolf start to close the distance between them, he lifted his arm slowly as not to provoke the wolf to pounce again. Once it was raised fully, he quickly flicked the blade and watched as it sailed through the air, striking the wolf between the eyes. "A fine throw" a small smile appeared across his face, he hadn't been extremely skilled with throwing knives so the outcome had pleased him. Theion walked over to the wolf who lay in an ever growing pool of blood, it's once silvery fur now stained crimson. He grasped the blade with his right hand and pulled it free, with a sigh he wiped both sides of the blade onto the wolf's lower body, leaving two blade shaped stains.

His journey through the forest continued, guided by the glowing lanterns that hung on the trees. As he progressed deeper into the forest the number of lanterns slowly decreased, until he found himself in complete darkness. He looked around, a small glow could be seen just ahead. "The Tree, could it be?" he asked himself, without thinking he picked up the pace and sprinted through the darkness towards the light. His foot became snagged under a root, causing him to fall fowards. He let out a small cry as his face crunched into the dirt, a sudden jolt of white flashed before his eyes before it all went black.

Several minutes later, Theion's eyelids began to twitch, slowly his eyes opened. "Urghh" he moaned, slowly lifting a hand to feel his face for any injuries. His hand gently felt for wounds, as his forefinger felt under his eye, a small bout of pain erupted causing him to groan. He couldn't tell how bad the wound was, however he could tell it had been bleeding by the warm sticky sensation of dried blood mixed with dirt.

"Mani naa lle umien? (What are you doing)" echoed a voice, Theion jolted upright. Instinctively he scanned the area, before scrambling to his feet "W-who's there" he called, edging backwards towards the light.

"Dina (Be Silent)" he couldn't pinpoint where the words where coming from, it sounded as if the words where spoken directly into his head. He slipped his blade from it's scabbard however he knew it would provide almost no protection, but it was all he had "I said who's there morier (Dark One)" growled Theion, in an unconvincing attempt to cover up his fear.

"Dina (Be silent)" repeated the voice, this time the words sounded much more powerful. Theion gave in and stood silently, shaking with fear as a cold aura begun to engulf him. He looked around, trying to find where his tormentor stood. More quickly, he progressed to the light. The scared Elf continued towards the light, until he came just outside of a small clearing, surrounded by a neat circle of trees. Inside stood a beautiful grey tree, covered in small glowing veins of light which he realized must have been the source of light he had seen in the darkness.

"Mani naa lle umien? (What are you doing)" repeated the strange voice, Theion looked around, he could see nothing apart from trees in the brightly lit clearing when a cloaked figure emerged from behind the tree. It walked towards Theion, it's head down to hide whatever was inside the black cowl of the cloak.

"I-I am here for a branch from the Tree. The Tree of Ancients" stammered Theion, slowly inching backwards as the robed figure moved closer towards him.

"The Tree of Ancients" the figure sounded somewhat like mentioning the tree had struck a chord with him "You wish to make a bow from the Yaaraer (Ancient One) do you not" he nodded, unsure of how the figure knew so much.

"How-how do you know of this?" asked Theion, who had stopped inching backwards as the figure did. The figure lifted his hands towards it's cowl, and pulled the hood down "Because I once forged my staff from a tree very much like this"...

The hood slipped from his head, Theion's knife fell to the floor as it slipped from his now open hand. "Y-your a-?" questioned Theion, his words suddenly stopped, it felt as if his tongue went numb, he gazed upon the figures face. It's pale, lifeless skin looked as if it would once glow majestically, yet now it lay burden to many scars. It's eyes contained a sadness that one could not understand without gazing into their depths for themselves.

"An Elf? Yes" as the figure spoke into his mind, he realized his lips did not once move, as if he was communicating with magic of some sort. "But you look like no Elf I have ever seen" explained Theion.

"I am not an Elf of the Woodlands. I am an Elf of Old, a High Elf" Theion had heard of such Elves in tales, but they had not been seen for centuries, it was said they left Elorenn in search of new lands. "You mean, the Elves from the scrolls and tomes of history. The Elves that forged the first alliance with the Human race, the Elves that sailed their mighty Galleons to return of new lands?" asked Theion, still shaking with fear although there was no need for that anymore and he knew so.

The High Elf shook his head "My kin never forged an alliance with the humans, nor did we ever leave Elorenn." Theion looked puzzled, in the tales of old the Elves leaving Elorenn in search of new lands was always mentioned "But where are they now, what do you mean?".

"Upon arrival in Elorenn, the Humans made many attempts to show themselves as the superior race. At first they thought we where mere nomads, but soon they realized that the High Elves where immortal. They demanded that we tell them how we became immortal, however even the High Elves knew not of how they came to be immortal. Soon the Humans grew impatient, tired of our answers and fueled with envy the Human king ordered his men to hunt down every Elf on Elorenn and kill them. When my camp was raided, my brother who was a skilled spell-weaver had given his life to save mine. As he did so, he had bound me to the Tree of Ancients, saving me from humanities wrath" his head bowed in sadness, Theion understood

"But, if you are bound to this tree. Why haven't you sensed the others when they came into the forest to get a branch" asked Theion. "I know not, for centuries it felt as if I was walking in eternal darkness. But when you came, I saw your presence like a light in the distance. Then all of a sudden, I was blinded by a bright, warm light then I found myself in this clearing. I am unsure why the bond was broken, perhaps the magic had finally worn off. Or maybe there something about you had caused the bond to be destroyed, maybe there is more to you than you actually know" explained the ragged High Elf.

"I must tell the Elder Mithramir. The Woodland Elves deserve to know the truth of their kin's fate" said Theion. "Indeed we must. But first, I have something you need young one" the High Elf clasped his hands together and slowly drew them apart. As he did a stick begun to form in his hands, growing as he pulled his hands apart until it was branch length. He walked forth and handed it to Theion "A branch from the Tree of Ancients, you will need this". Theion grasped the branch. it was crisscrossed with glowing veins much like the tree itself "Diola lle (Thank you)" he bowed his head to show respect to the High Elf. "Now we must leave the forest, and tell the Elder the truth".

---

"Through here, Mellonamin (My Friend)" called Theion, as he guided the Elven man through the forest and back into the clearing where the large camp was situated.

Theion and the Elf made there way back into the camp, the sun had not long ago set and the Woodland Elves where still active. It was the main camp of the Swift-Arrow clan, which permanent resound inside the clearing next to the forest, however the Elves where nomadic. So the hunters and Elves that would trade between the other clans where constantly on the move, living the life of a nomad until they returned to the main camp.

Theion lead him through the camp, along they way he would occasionally get congratulated on his safe return, but he merely replied with a smile and continued on towards the center of the large camp where Elder Mithrarmir who acted like a leader to this clan of Woodland Elves.

After passing down a path with tents and various other mobile structures, they reached a large, decorated tent. Skins from all different creatures where hung around the outside for decoration, along with beads hanging down from either side of the large tents entrance. "Elder Mithramir" a short, bearded Elf emerged from the tent. He was dressed in a colorful robe and carried a wooden staff "Amin merna quen (I wish to speak)".

"Ah Theion. Congratulations on your safe return, and I see you've brought back a branch as instructed" he gestured to the grayish branch with small glowing veins branched out across it "If you are looking for Amaril and the other hunters, they should be back soon enough. They left just before you arrived, searching for a pack of wolves who have strayed very close to the clearing" explained the Elder.

Theion shook his head, then gestured to the High Elf to come forth "Ed' i'ear ar' elenea! (By the Sea and Stars)" exclaimed Elder Mithrarmir "Who is this".

"I am Elril-Galith. The last surviving High Elf, there is something you must know about the fate of my kin"...So they stood and listened to the story Elril had to tell, of how the Human King ordered the death of every High Elf, how for years each Elf was hunted down and killed until only one was left, himself. Who had been bound to the Tree of Ancients for centuries until somehow the magic that bound him to the tree was destroyed. The story of what really happened to the mighty High Elves, many centuries ago...

So it begun, with the Elves aware of the cruel fate that their ancestors had befallen. Soon after, the Elves tore themselves from their alliance with the Humans only to engage in a war that would tear Elorenn in two.

Hey Zero, I'm here for a quick review of your story. Except for a couple of grammar mistakes here and there, I only noticed one. The young elf enters the forest and knows there are dangers around him. The problem, is that there were no dangers. I would personally add a couple of paragraphs describing a fight between the boy and a beast of some sort. It would show how the forest is dangerous. So, that's all I have to say. Amazing job on the story, and continue your Awesome work!

Thanks Izumi.
I'll take that into mind, what I am planning on doing is editing this a few more times. Adding in and taking away or changing things to make it perfect, before I move onto the main story that will unfold on the continent of Elorenn.

A young, Elvin boy around the age of fifteen approached the small group of Elves, each with a longbow slung over their shoulder.

I think it should be "shoulder's".

. Leaving the forest in almost eternal darkness, the only light source where the lanterns that hung of the trees to guide ones path through the forest.

Should be "were" not "where"

The silvery blade slipped between Theion's fingertips, he watched the wolf start to close the distance between them, he lifted his arm slowly as not to provoke the wolf to pounce again.

Okay maybe it is just me, but personally this confused me. It made it sound like he had dropped the knife which obviously he hadn't. So I would just try to rewrite it...

His foot got caught under a root, causing him to fall forwards, his face hitting the floor with an almost wet crunch, a jolt of white light flashed in his eyes, before everything went black. 

This Sentence was a little choppy for me. I would throw in a period, try something like, "His foot caught under a root, sending him flying forward. Theion let out a small cry as his face smacked into the forest floor with a wet crunch. For the briefest moment everything went white before he was plunged into darkness." Or something to the sort. If you throw in some periods and change things around a bit the sentence as a whole should flow a little smoother.

Inside stood a beautiful Grey tree, covered in small glowing veins of light which he realized must must have created the light he saw.

Why is grey capitalized? If it is a name then I get it, but if you are merely describing the tree it should be lower cased. Also this is just me, but I would use another word other then created. Like it was the "source" of the light or something.

"How-how do you know of this" asked Theion

Okay I think it would probably be pretty obvious why he was here. I am assuming that most, if not all elfs have to do this, especially the young ones like a right of passage or something. If you actually want him to question the person I would have him speak out some more specific information. Like have the figure say, "You wish to make a bow from the Yaaraer (Ancient One) do you not, Theion" he nodded, unsure of how the figure knew so much. "How-how do you know my name?" asked Theion?" or something like this. Give this cloaked figure actual knowledge of something that would puzzle Theion.

They demanded us to tell them how, when we tried to explain it is something you cannot acquire.

This sentence is a bit awkward, especially the end of it. Try something like, "They demanded us to tell them how, when we tried to explain it is something you cannot acquire they became angry and violent." It just feels like you need to tell more in this sentence.

Okay so not a bad start. Above is just some of my personal opinions and a few spelling/grammar things that should be fixed. Personally it was good, but I feel more detail is needed. Especially in the begining. I would have loved for you to explain more about what was going on. They were in a camp, is it a temporary thing? Are they nomads? Are they away from their town so Theion can do this test? You know, that sort of info. Also is this a test that all young elves must do?

Also how is Theion feeling? Is he excited? Nervous? What emotions are going through him before and after he enters the forest?

Also if the high elf is bound to the tree how did he leave the forest? Was he released when Theion came to the tree? So he can go wherever now? Or is he still bound?

I would just like more detail. This is all my personal opinion of course. Good job though, and good luck!

Hey WritersBlock

Thanks for pointing out all the errors I made, I'll correct them and add more detail where needed. However I should have explained how this is just a really basic outline of what I want the short story to entail, I've already tinkered with it once, changing quite a bit of the content. So after I've edited it once or twice more, it'll be done to a higher standard.

Re guarding the part when the blade slips between his fingers. I'm explaining how he uses the blade as a throwing knife, you see when a blade is thrown they hold the blade, not the hilt.

Also, Theion didn't know that the figure was an Elf. So that is why he asked, "How-how do you know of this?".

But what I want this story to do, without delving into much detail, is to explain why things are the way they are in my main Fantasy that I'm starting writing as soon as this is finished.

Ahhh okay I see, totally makes sense that he didn't know who the guy was which was why he was confused by his knowledge. And with the knife I would still clarify more, like actually say he slipped it from his fingers to grab the hilt or something. Anyways it is a great work in processes

Yeah, I'll give it some thought and see how I could change the part where the blade's point slips between his forefinger and thumb.

Thanks. I'm hopefully going to start on the main book now I've established some ground work

I like the edit. Keep up the good work!

Hey,

Sorry for not reviewing sooner, I forgot to check the Will Review for Food forum.

Anyway,

Questions:

I normally have a lot for short stories but I only found two,

What is the time period? You ind of jumble us up with this, I personally see this as mediaval times but it could be future or way before medival times. I think you should hint at the perod just a tad bit more.

Is this going to be continued? I understand you put Short Story in the title but I'd really like to see this continued!

Characters-

Theion-He seems like a brave, happy, courageous guy. He seems intelligent and strong and his dialouge makes him seem proud but not conceited. I like him, he seems like the medival version of Harry Potter other than the whole prophecy, Moldy Voldy thing he had. This character, I'm guessing is our MC.

Amaril, Galaril and Urolas- Seems like the old but still young men. They are obviously in power and are the leaders but seem like good guys. Reminds me of Dumbledore (sorry for all the HP referencees, just finished re-reading HP 7 for about the 1000000 time).

Elril-Gilith-He plays the part of lost, mourning elf and he plays it well. I think he learned to trust Theion a bit too fast but that's alright. When your stuck to a tree for a couple thousand years, any elfven would be nice, I imagine


Overall, a very nice story. I like how this could be a story on it's own or be an opening to a rally great novel. I like the characters, the grammar and spelling weren't a problem, description was good and you definetly telled not showed. Nice Job.

~Jasmine Bells~
Peace, Love, Writing and Insanity

A very sound piece of work. I don't really have anything to say...

Except that "it's" means it is. "Its" means "belonging to it."

Hey Jasmine.

The time period, is really undecided at this point in time because I haven't had time to create all that for Elorenn just yet.

Re guarding Amaril, Galaril and Urolas. They're not leaders, but the older hunters of that group. The leader is the Elder, mentioned in the story when Theion returns to camp with Elril-Galith.

Thanks for the review, I'm going to start the main book now

Just need a title

I had a huge critique ready to go for you, then accidentally deleted it. So let me just say this. It was really good. You had a great attention to detail. I really enjoyed it. I can even see this becoming a novel. Or maybe just a prologue to your other story. Again, it was fantastic.

Oh that's okay, thanks for writing the critique up anyways.

Yeah it is going to be the prologue to my other story, which I'm in the process of writing now