Admins delete this!

Honey, your story is here to be judged If you want to publish it, apply for a copyright number for you to post at the bottom of each piece of your work. Then, if anybody copies your work its against the law. Good luck with your publishing by the way! x

Forgotten xxx

Snoink wrote:Whoa, calm down. If you want reviews, the best thing to do is to review other people. You'll get noticed a LOT easier.

Anyway... there are a lot of weird things in the story. The grammar's off, for one. Some names aren't capitalized, the dialogue grammar is mostly wrong, and there are other, little things that just add up. I'm not going to show you what needs to be fixed... there's simply too much to go through. But do check out your favorite grammar book and read it thoroughly. If you don't have a favorite grammar book, you should, especially if you want to become a published writer! I suggest Strunk and White's Elements of Style. But it's your choice, really.

I just want to go over a couple of scenes...

" You don't look well." Azami said.

" I, I feel odd" Frost admitted.

" Why don't why travel up to Komori?" Azami said. " She will heal you."

" Can we wait until sunrise." Frost asked.

Azami nodded and she layed with Frost , until the sun rised. Then, they'd leave camp.



Chapter 1

The sun shined in the wolves eyes making them glitter. Azami was in front, leading the smaller wolf, Frost. Komori was Azami's little sister, and Azami trusted her with all her heart. It was silent, the loudest noise they heard was the paw-steps. It was way to quiet for Azami, so she decideded to make a conversation.

" What do you think is wrong, Frost?" Azami said quietly.

" Oh, Nothing big. Just not feeling well." Frost admitted.

" Ok, thats good." Azami paused. " We absolutely do not need a wolf of our pack dying."

The conversation was pretty much over, Azami looked ahead, and seen her sister Komori, sitting on the edge of rocks were she lived. The sun's rays were shining down on Komori, letting Frost know she was there. Azami began running to her sister, with Frost following. Soon enough, their large paws hit the rocks, and Komori greeted them.

' Hello Azami." She paused. " What seems to be the problem, you only come here if some one is .." Komori seen the other wolf, Frost, and stopped her question.

" Could you please look at her, she doesnt feel well." Azami pointed out.

" Sure." Komori said bringing Frost with her.

Frost was scared, she had told Azami it wasn't anything big, but what if it was? She trusted Komori, she knew Komori wouldn't hurt her. Frost answered all of Komori's questions honestly, she was scared to know what was wrong. Komori looked up confused.

" Honestly, I don't know..... what is wrong." Komori said putting her head down in shame.

" That's okay." Azami and Frost said.

Why isn't there more discussion of how Frost is sick? There's also no curiosity as to what could be wrong with Frost. I'm wondering why you bothered to mention it in the first place.

Kafel nodded and ran to her side. Crunch, Crunch. Frost and Kafel's head jerked. A big, Black wolf was standing behind them with an angry stare. Frost tried to run but Kafel kept her still. Don't move, Kafel thought. The black wolf, approached them.

Kafel lowered his muzzle and snarled at he wolf. They became a tangling, deadly fight.The wolf bit his shoulder, but Kafel snarled and lashed at his shoulder. The wolf snarled and bit deeper into his shoulder. Kafel whimpered. This wolf had the advantage of surprise, and he was winning. The wolf tore at his flank then clawed his muzzle. kafel fell back and the wolf raced away.

1) Advantage of surprise? Only a little.

2) Wolves that are in the pack do not just let one guy fight a lone wolf... they'll attack it together. When I walked three dogs at a time and they saw another dog, if one dog tried to attack, all of them joined in. Very annoying.

Over to the entrance of the territory, barking like a dog at a cat.

Why did you use this metaphor? It makes the wolves seem less cool.

" Wolves of my pack, as you know we need to talk with the other packs. I've decided we needed to set up a talk with them, it shall be a just a few days. There will be 6 wolves there, 2 from each pack." Azami said

is coming with the other packs. It is in a few days. We hope at least 2 wolves from each pack will come and gather." Azami said.

...what?

The only sound that rang in Azami's ears were the annoying crickets.

Crickets do not live in snow.

Now, in general, it looks like you don't like your stories exciting... which is a bit weird! You have all this politics, all these fight scenes, all this possible betrayals, but it seems really really dry and cut-out. Obviously, you don't want your story to become a soap opera, but putting a little drama in your story is always a good thing!

So, try adding a little drama! Instead of having things get resolved quickly (Frost feels sick, the healer doesn't know what's wrong with her, so she gets put on patrol and is not affected by her feeling sick at all) you can make things a little bit more interesting if things don't resolve so quickly (Frost feels sick, the healer doesn't know what's wrong with her, so she gets put on patrol and is seriously injured because of her inability to concentrate). Make little things have consequences. Azami is too kind and allows for possible traitors to be buddy-buddy with her... maybe this means that she gets over thrown and has to regain her position as alpha female... weirder things have happened!

Just make things have real consequences and make the characters struggle with those consequences. It'll make it more dramatic and help us get drawn into the story emotionally. And yes, that does make it a lot more complicated to write. However, half the fun of writing is figuring out how all the puzzle pieces fall into place!

Have fun writing!

Whoa, calm down. If you want reviews, the best thing to do is to review other people. You'll get noticed a LOT easier.

Anyway... there are a lot of weird things in the story. The grammar's off, for one. Some names aren't capitalized, the dialogue grammar is mostly wrong, and there are other, little things that just add up. I'm not going to show you what needs to be fixed... there's simply too much to go through. But do check out your favorite grammar book and read it thoroughly. If you don't have a favorite grammar book, you should, especially if you want to become a published writer! I suggest Strunk and White's Elements of Style. But it's your choice, really.

I just want to go over a couple of scenes...

" You don't look well." Azami said.

" I, I feel odd" Frost admitted.

" Why don't why travel up to Komori?" Azami said. " She will heal you."

" Can we wait until sunrise." Frost asked.

Azami nodded and she layed with Frost , until the sun rised. Then, they'd leave camp.



Chapter 1

The sun shined in the wolves eyes making them glitter. Azami was in front, leading the smaller wolf, Frost. Komori was Azami's little sister, and Azami trusted her with all her heart. It was silent, the loudest noise they heard was the paw-steps. It was way to quiet for Azami, so she decideded to make a conversation.

" What do you think is wrong, Frost?" Azami said quietly.

" Oh, Nothing big. Just not feeling well." Frost admitted.

" Ok, thats good." Azami paused. " We absolutely do not need a wolf of our pack dying."

The conversation was pretty much over, Azami looked ahead, and seen her sister Komori, sitting on the edge of rocks were she lived. The sun's rays were shining down on Komori, letting Frost know she was there. Azami began running to her sister, with Frost following. Soon enough, their large paws hit the rocks, and Komori greeted them.

' Hello Azami." She paused. " What seems to be the problem, you only come here if some one is .." Komori seen the other wolf, Frost, and stopped her question.

" Could you please look at her, she doesnt feel well." Azami pointed out.

" Sure." Komori said bringing Frost with her.

Frost was scared, she had told Azami it wasn't anything big, but what if it was? She trusted Komori, she knew Komori wouldn't hurt her. Frost answered all of Komori's questions honestly, she was scared to know what was wrong. Komori looked up confused.

" Honestly, I don't know..... what is wrong." Komori said putting her head down in shame.

" That's okay." Azami and Frost said.

Kafel nodded and ran to her side. Crunch, Crunch. Frost and Kafel's head jerked. A big, Black wolf was standing behind them with an angry stare. Frost tried to run but Kafel kept her still. Don't move, Kafel thought. The black wolf, approached them.

Kafel lowered his muzzle and snarled at he wolf. They became a tangling, deadly fight.The wolf bit his shoulder, but Kafel snarled and lashed at his shoulder. The wolf snarled and bit deeper into his shoulder. Kafel whimpered. This wolf had the advantage of surprise, and he was winning. The wolf tore at his flank then clawed his muzzle. kafel fell back and the wolf raced away.

Over to the entrance of the territory, barking like a dog at a cat.

" Wolves of my pack, as you know we need to talk with the other packs. I've decided we needed to set up a talk with them, it shall be a just a few days. There will be 6 wolves there, 2 from each pack." Azami said

is coming with the other packs. It is in a few days. We hope at least 2 wolves from each pack will come and gather." Azami said.

The only sound that rang in Azami's ears were the annoying crickets.

Please don't just read and don't leave comments. I'd like some advice!

Do you guys like it??