She held her dull yellow umbrella over the kitten, sheltering it from the freezing rain. She was willing to risk getting herself sick to help that gray and white striped feline. Why? I never understood Helena. With one last glance at her adoring expression, I crossed my hands over my chest and continued down the street.
My eyes lingered from pedestrians, to cars, to shops, and back to pedestrians. A couple sharing a blue umbrella passed by. Just behind them two men where bickering over a raise. Love. What was love? Hate. What was hate? Hate was the opposite of love, that I knew. Jealousy. Envy. What was the difference? What was it like to feel? To care. To cry. I had never cried a day in my life. Wasn’t crying a bad thing? Then why did some humans cry when they were happy? It didn’t make any sense.
A scronny, blonde woman was running up and down the sidewalk, completely soaked by the pouring rain. She called out for a taxi, but none would stop. Her face began to heat up. Human faces turn red when they’re mad, right? Without another look, I walked past the frustrated woman. But why does it happen when they are embarrassed? Was embarrassment the same feeling as anger? My questions…would they ever be answered? It had been sixteen years now. I had been looking for the answer since I found out what I was. Well, I didn’t really know what I was. I just knew I didn’t have a heart. I was heartless. I couldn’t feel anything. Even if I wanted to. All I could do was observe the world around me. The world I didn’t belong in. Why was it everyone else had a heart here? These creatures were humans. I wasn’t. Why was that?
I was determined - whether I could actually feel determination or not - to have my questions answered.
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140,623 Literary Works • 673,565 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Well that's certainly an intriguing start there. It definitely gets your attention though because one must wonder what exactly this kitten means. While this isn't exactly the strangest thing to do with a kitten, it does at least tell us about what type of character this is, so on the whole a very intriguing start, especially with regards to how this is starting off with what is traditional a symbol of bad or sad things to come.
And that's a very interesting paragraph to follow that. It looks like we've got a spot of people watching going on here. Its adding some interesting new themes to the piece I think. It certainly makes you wonder what exactly would be this person's own emotional state. Its a very interesting strategy here to tell us so much about them through the lens of so many others.
Okayy...soo this makes for an interesting ending there. I think it confirms nicely the rough hints that we were getting from the earlier parts and builds on rather nicely to the character I think. Also makes for a wonderful reason for us readers to turn that page and keep reading. So, on the whole very solid piece there I'd say.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
It is confusing at first, but once you start to think about it, you find out that the narrator (main character?) is something that is observing human biology and emotions. The questions that run through the mind, seem to uh... paradox, the thinker of them. Like spoken before it would be invaluable to answer some questions of the narrators past or a global (in story) detail. A global detail will be like the date or time age (most likely maybe a futuristic age). But you can go a lot of ways on what the narrator "is" with the information started in the beginning. I have to say that this story has potential.
I didn't think it was unclear. I get it. This...creature...whatever the MC is, isn't human, and is trying to understand the ways of humans. Easy. Lol. Anywho, I think everyone covered everything else, there was just one thing that bugged the CRAP out of me:
Scronny? Yeah, not a word. I think you meant 'scrawny'. Also, you don't need the comma there. While 'blonde' is an adjective, it doesn't quite work the same way any normal adjective would. So. No comma.
Other than that, though, I think it was good. Not something I'd be interested in reading (unless you tell me what's going to happen, like you do with all your stories X) except Hellite...XP), but if someone who likes this genre were to read it, I think they'd like it.
Not knowing what that MC is makes me instinctively think it's an alien. Lol I don't know why. Just that when someone who is not human is trying to figure out the ways of humans, it makes me think that they are an alien. Just a natural reaction for me lol. I'm sure it's not, knowing you, but...yeah.
Lol all...how long has it been? *counts on fingers* Six years? All six years I've known you, you've never written anything about aliens. And if you did, I haven't read it. Lol. Besides, you never came across as a Sci-Fi person.
Oh my! I'm rambling something awful! I'll stop...lol. I've said everything I need to
~Rayne
I'll edit it now, but the whole point of this piece is to be confused. The MC doesn't understand what is going on in the world around him/her. And that is the point. And they're not a scientist, so he/she cannot figure out an answer to what he/she is experiencing.
Hi,
Very intriguing but I think we need a bit more to understand fully what's going on. I get the gist of it; that this girl or guy is someone from another planet, partly human but not all human. These stories are terribly interesting but you just need to give us more!
Now, on to the good stuff. All my edits, concerns and comments will be in bold.
You don't have to use all my suggestions, as they are just suggestions to help you. I really enjoyed this piece, just like I said I wish you had written more.
Keep up the good work!
Love,
N
I don't get it!
I thought this was a nice peice and it was written well. As asxz said, some of the questions could be answered with science. They weren't complete mysteries. I think you have something nice started here. I'm interested to see where you go with it.
Yes, thank you both for the comments. This is something I had written a while back and I did want to see what the reaction of the readers was. I'll get to editing when I can
Hi There
Overall, I'd have to say that this is a pretty nice piece. I hope that this review will manage to sharpen the image that you have tried to create here, as although I liked the idea, I found it hazy and unclear. Certain things I feel could have been amplified, while others could have been omitted, and I think we would be left with an amazing story, so let's begin:
You'll notice that you have repeated the word kitten. You wonder why she get's sick for a kitten, when you could wander why she isn't selfish. Isn't this the point of your piece after all? Perhaps, "The dull yellow umbrella was suspended above her kitten rather than herself. I have always wondered why she chose to get wet instead of her little rodent." Also, you want to highlight the fact that this is strange to you. As a first sentence, you want to intrigue the reader... You want to let the reader know a little about you as an anomaly. What makes you weird?
What is the purpose of telling us her age? You mean you would have understood it at a different age?
You acknowledge her smile as warm. You feel warmed by something that means nothing to you? I would change this to something along the lines of: "They all said she had a soft heart. They all said it, as though they knew what this meant, but I barely acknowledged the smile that everyone said was so warm and continued down the street bewildered by the world's amazement."
Lingered usually denotes staying with one scene as opposed to switching to another. Perhaps you would rather use a word like "jumped". This would also give us more of a sense of the lack of peace within you.
This section here was a little weak. You've described a setting which doesn't necessarily point to the emotions that you convey. I argue with my family and love them still. Why is it important what they bickered about. Who's to say that the couple loved each other, maybe they had a fall out, and are merely mutually trying to avoid getting wet.
Also, repetition here gets a little irritating. We get the fact that you don't know what love feels like. You might also want to look at your tenses, as a lot of what you say implies that you understand now.
If she was black, how could you see her face go red. I have many black friends and don't notice them going red. You want to sharpen your concerns with the situations, and leave out as many of the redundancies as possible, which are often found as you narrate your lack of understanding. Also, you might want to show a little progression throughout the story. Show how one paragraph grows on the one before it. Perhaps show the different aspects of your lack of understanding the human race. Show your own malice. Perhaps ignore a beggar or two. You want to make us cringe at the lack of humanity, and you will do this better by giving us situations than emotions.
Keep on writing...
Have a good one!
I don't get it... what is the narrator, and why do we need to know about Helena in the beginning?
You also ask heaps of questions that science can answer, the blushing, crying when you're happy etc... I don't get what you are saying with this peice. It made me more confused then I was before!