Sorry about the length....! I'm not a poem writer at all and this was I poem I made for a Language Arts project. I don't really think it's good, but why not post it anyway? I am open to ANY and ALL critique!
*Also: I am not satisfied with the title at all! Please, if anyone has any ideas, feel free to share them!
My eyes reflect the sunlight
And yet I am blind
My fur is matted to my body
And my ears soft and floppy
I hear my mother’s steady breathing
in the distance, but I know she is near
I search for her
My paws move me forward
These smells and sounds and touches,
what are they, why so many?
Mother’s nose nudges my cheek
I cry out; I’m so hungry
Now I watch my mother
How she and the others hunt
Each body is lost in the darkness of the night
With nothing but the moon leading their way
My mother’s eyes reflect in the night
I’d know them anywhere
She dashes after the rodent
It runs; a futile attempt to escape
And soon my mother catches it between her claws
I howl to the moon, congratulating her victory
She prances back to me
She howls
Now, it’s my turn.
But my meal is bigger
Much bigger
I can take it on
I crawl along the forest floor
Getting as close as possible
It sniffs the air
I freeze
It bolts
My heart pounds as I lift from the ground
I dodge trees and leap over logs
It won’t get away from me
I’m the strongest and fastest
It turns suddenly
This is my chance
I leap
It falls to the ground
I crush its neck in my jaws
I’m the best; I caught the biggest meal
Alpha male comes for his dinner; I must leave
Now I’ve waited enough
Here comes the alpha male
Here comes my time
I stand in his path
He’s old and experienced
But I’m young and strong
I can take him
I know I can
I sneer at my rival
Growling and gnarling
Flashing my killer teeth
Getting ready for the battle
He looks down at me
Expecting an easy victory
He underestimates me
Only one will stay
Now I’m leader of this pack
I lead my family through the forest
I protect them
And they respect me
But a new smell excites me
Something has entered the forest
New meat?
Or is it an enemy?
I sniff the air again
This time I realize the smell is hostile
It’s coming closer
By now it’s entered my turf; I will not tolerate intruders
My pack hides while I run
In search of the creature
I find him
A beast walking on two legs
It holds something in its hand
Long and shiny
It reeks of danger
I will not let it stay
A snarl vibrates through my chest
I am impatient to fight
It ambles through the trees
It looks sick and disoriented
It sets a foot on the ground; my signal to strike
I throw myself at the creature, reaching for its neck
It staggers to the side
I miss
I lunge again
It yells and a high pitch sound is heard
My body cringes to the pain
What has happened?
The sound returns and I cringe once again
The pain has doubled
I reach for the creature
Taking its paws within my savage jaws
It shrieks
I can not hold on any longer
I let go and limp back into safety
This creature was too strong
My body shivers
Red liquid drops to the ground with every step I take
I’ve never been this injured
What will be my fate?
I drop to the ground
I can no longer be with my pack; my family
Whatever horrible creature has tainted this forest
It is too strong for me
My breathing stiffens
My body can’t withstand this pain
My chest aches and I can’t feel my legs
I fall onto the leafy ground
Now the darkness has fallen
And this is my last breath
The starry night sky looms over me
I am not afraid of death
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Well, thanks for the critique!
. Basically he's hunting a huge male deer
- Hm.....I'll see what I can do about that.
- Well, I don't know if that is very important, but i'll see if i can squeeze it in somewhere
- The poem is about the stages of the wolf's life. From when he is born to when he dies. I make each transition using 'Now'. Ex: 'Now I watch my mother' 'Now it's my turn' 'Now i've waited enough' 'Now i'm leader of this pack' etc.
- Oh, you can't tell? I thought I had made it obvious enough...! Sorry! It's a human the wolf fights.
Now, I would add commas and semicolons, but like I said in the intro, I'm not a poetry writer. So, i'd have no idea what to put and where
On the whole, I kind of like this poem. Its rhythm is strange, but it still seems to flow, in a simplistic way. However, you definitely need to add punctuation and it would be much much better. I won't go through all the lines with the punctuation, because that would take quite a bit of time, but please, add some commas, periods, and semi colons at the end of lines. It makes it seem more professional and less disorderly. Now for the other critiques.
- "And soon my mother catches it between her claws
I howl to the moon, congratulating her victory " These are the only lines I don't really like. They sound awkward, as if they are too... long? I'm not sure. Could you simplify them, so they wouldn't interrupt the flow? Something like, "It is caught in my mother's claws/ I howl victoriously?", only maybe better than that.
- You never actually say what the meal that he goes after is. A deer? A caribou? What? It might not be important, but it leaves you a little puzzled, not knowing.
- The action in the poem all seems to happen quite fast. First, he seems like a confused adolescent, following his mother. A moment later, he's fighting for the alpha male position, then he is dying. A little much going on. You could work this out by changing the beginning around so that he doesn't seem so young, and then it might make a bit more sense.
- What IS the creature he fights at the end? Again, you never say what it is. I think you should.
Once you fix these things, this poem has good potential. Like I said, the flow is good, and the concept interesting. Nice job.