“Did ya hear?” Faylen asked me as we left the café.
“About Jeni’s boy? Yes. It’s absolutely awful he was kidnapped.” I glanced towards the forest on the left side of the street down the block. “I loved that kid.”
“He wasn’t kidnapped, Raichi. He was killed.”
“Oh, yes. He was killed by the ghost of…who was it again?” I said sarcastically.
“It wasn’t a ghost. It was a demon, Raichi. It lives inside Jeni just as the legends say it does.”
“You have any proof?” I asked as we began to walk towards the forest. The sun was starting to set; I hadn’t realized how late it was. Just great. It would be dark by the time I reached my house and I wouldn’t have time to finish up that wonderful book I’d been reading the past few days. “And anyway, why would she kidnap- I mean, kill, her own child?” I made air quotes when I said ‘kill’.
“I don’t know. Everyone knows the womans crazy. It’s a wonder why she hasn’t been sent to a mental asylum. Oh! Remember her husband? Yeah, he was found in the middle of the forest. Remember what they said he looked like? Patches of hair missing, eyes completely white, body distorted as if something had tried to get inside him…or out.”
“Ok, I’ve heard enough, Faylen! I don’t believe in all this crap.” We had finally reached the outskirts of the forest. In which my small wood cabin lay deep within.
“Would you believe it if I told you he had been demonized right near your house?”
My body shivered and my frightened olive green eyes stared at her. “He was…demonized?!”
Faylen nodded. Her hands shot up and landed on my shoulders. “Listen, why don’t you come spend a few days at my place? At least until the boy is found again.”
“Demonized?” My eyes joked. “Seriously, get a grip.” I entered the forest and left Faylen standing all alone. Her expression dumbfounded. Her auburn hair blowing wildly in the wind.
I had only gone a few steps before she yelled, “Fine! Don’t come crying to me tomorrow morning when Jeni takes over your body!”
I snickered silently as I continued on the dirt path.
~~~~~~~~~~~
I felt followed. Wait, scratch that, I knew I was being followed. But, how could I possibly know?
The forest around me certainly didn’t hint it. The sun setting in the distance gave me a sense of fading warmth, but I always looked forward to the beautiful glow of the moon lighting the rest of the way home. That couldn’t have possible bothered me more today than any other day. It had rained earlier this afternoon. I could smell the sweet scent of wet leaves, wood, bushes, and grass in which I indulged myself in as I always did. The river running parallel to the trail had risen a couple inches. Suddenly, it hit me. The one important element of the forest – the most important – was missing. The forest was deathly quiet. Not the wind nor the ground nor the treetops made a sound. No shuffling wolf paws, no harmonious bird songs, no steady cricket chirping. Now that I thought about it, not even the mini water rapids were audible. Dead silence had engulfed the woods. Was it just that that made me feel watched? Yes, I was sure of it.
I had never seen the forest as an enemy; a place in which my predator could hide and jump out from the shadows. I continued to follow the road covered in decaying and already dead leaves. My steps sounded like hammer batting against metal before the frozen forest. A feeling of immense danger continued to build up inside me. Not one leaf fell from the trees. Not a flower bloomed in the bushes.
Suddenly, I heard it.
Breathing.
Practically silent.
My blood temperature rose within me, signaling to flee to safety. I forced myself to continue on my steady pace. The breathing followed me, but there weren’t and audible footsteps on the leafy forest floor. I began to think I was losing my mind, that I was just overreacting, but a noise from behind me made me jump.
Something had growled. A low, deep, flesh-craving growl.
It was unlike any animal sound I’d heard before. My step quickened, immense amounts of adrenaline pumping through my enlarged veins. My eyes desperately wanted to look back; to identify the creature following me. I began breathing hard, scrambling through my brain for a logical answer to what had occurred.
Realization hit me.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hi, sorry for taking so long for your review, but here I am!
The phrase "I loved that kid" seems a bit out of place. The way it said "Jeni's boy" made me think the narrator is an adult, but that phrase sounds lke something teenagers say. It just seems odd.I would like if you introduced that the character is speaking sarcastically earlier. Like, "Oh yes," I said sarcastically, "He was killed by the ghost of...who was it again?"
It should be "woman's"
It should be "possibly"
Did you mean to say "any" instead of "and"?
Ok, I liked the beginning when they were talking, but I think that maybe your main character would seem more consistent if she was sure that the whole demon thing was fake the whole time.
See, here she seems afraid that it could happen to her. I would like it better if she wasn't scared until later, maybe.
And when she feels like she's being followed, I think she should just think she's scared because they were talking about it before. Maybe she would tell herself that she was just being silly and scared... that seems more natural for someone who was just scoffing at the idea of ghost and demons. For her to suddenly know for sure that one is following her seems a bit far fetched.
It's well written, though. You have very good description, and I like the idea of this, creepy, but good. And I really like your names. They're very unique.
“Did ya hear?” Faylen asked me as we left the café.
“About Jeni’s boy? Yes. It’s absolutely awful he was kidnapped.” I glanced towards the forest on the left side of the street down the block. “I loved that kid.”
“He wasn’t kidnapped, Raichi. He was killed.”
“Oh, yes. He was killed by the ghost of…who was it again?” I said sarcastically.
“It wasn’t a ghost. It was a demon, Raichi. It lives inside Jeni just as the legends say it does.”
“You have any proof?” I asked as we began to walk towards the forest. The sun was starting to set; I hadn’t realized how late it was. Just great. It would be dark by the time I reached my house and I wouldn’t have time to finish up that wonderful book I’d been reading the past few days. “And anyway, why would she kidnap- I mean, kill, her own child?” I made air quotes when I said ‘kill’.
“I don’t know. Everyone knows the womans crazy. It’s a wonder why she hasn’t been sent to a mental asylum. Oh! Remember her husband? Yeah, he was found in the middle of the forest. Remember what they said he looked like? Patches of hair missing, eyes completely white, body distorted as if something had tried to get inside him…or out.”
“Ok, I’ve heard enough, Faylen! I don’t believe in all this crap.” We had finally reached the outskirts of the forest. In which my small wood cabin lay deep within.
“Would you believe it if I told you he had been demonized right near your house?”
My body shivered and my frightened olive green eyes stared at her. “He was…demonized?!”
Faylen nodded. Her hands shot up and landed on my shoulders. “Listen, why don’t you come spend a few days at my place? At least until the boy is found again.”
“Demonized?” My eyes joked. “Seriously, get a grip.” I entered the forest and left Faylen standing all alone. Her expression dumbfounded. Her auburn hair blowing wildly in the wind.
I had only gone a few steps before she yelled, “Fine! Don’t come crying to me tomorrow morning when Jeni takes over your body!”
I snickered silently as I continued on the dirt path.
~~~~~~~~~~~
I felt followed. Wait, scratch that, I knew I was being followed. But, how could I possibly know?
The forest around me certainly didn’t hint it. The sun setting in the distance gave me a sense of fading warmth, but I always looked forward to the beautiful glow of the moon lighting the rest of the way home. That couldn’t have possible bothered me more today than any other day. It had rained earlier this afternoon. I could smell the sweet scent of wet leaves, wood, bushes, and grass in which I indulged myself in as I always did. The river running parallel to the trail had risen a couple inches. Suddenly, it hit me. The one important element of the forest – the most important – was missing. The forest was deathly quiet. Not the wind nor the ground nor the treetops made a sound. No shuffling wolf paws, no harmonious bird songs, no steady cricket chirping. Now that I thought about it, not even the mini water rapids were audible. Dead silence had engulfed the woods. Was it just that that made me feel watched? Yes, I was sure of it.
I had never seen the forest as an enemy; a place in which my predator could hide and jump out from the shadows. I continued to follow the road covered in decaying and already dead leaves. My steps sounded like hammer batting against metal before the frozen forest. A feeling of immense danger continued to build up inside me. Not one leaf fell from the trees. Not a flower bloomed in the bushes.
Suddenly, I heard it.
Breathing.
Practically silent.
My blood temperature rose within me, signaling to flee to safety. I forced myself to continue on my steady pace. The breathing followed me, but there weren’t and audible footsteps on the leafy forest floor. I began to think I was losing my mind, that I was just overreacting, but a noise from behind me made me jump.
Something had growled. A low, deep, flesh-craving growl.
It was unlike any animal sound I’d heard before. My step quickened, immense amounts of adrenaline pumping through my enlarged veins. My eyes desperately wanted to look back; to identify the creature following me. I began breathing hard, scrambling through my brain for a logical answer to what had occurred.
Realization hit me.
i liked this alot. you've thought this through quite alot. you just need to go into more detail and write some more description. other than that though it was very good.