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Young Writers Society



A Predicted Legend

by VampireBadger


hello there! I'm new here and this is my 1st post! I hope you like it. I wrote it a wee while ago so please forgive me if it sounds a little childish! My real name is Betty Darci. so you can call me Betty if you like! Please review! Lots o' Love

Chapter 1

Uncle Stephan

This particular day began nothing special but it turned out to be one of the strangest and most eventful days of my life. I sat down to breakfast that day as normal as ever, grabbed my spoon and dug into my (normal) cereal.

We all jumped when the phone rang in the living room and my mum excused herself to go and answer it. We (me and my dad) heard her speaking from the living room.

“Hello?” a pause. “Yes,” another pause. “Oh, hello Stephan.”

My interest and curiosity arose suddenly. Stephan was my dad’s brother. I never got to see much of my uncle as he was usually either in his home in Holland or travelling the globe on business. My earliest memories of him were of when I was three or four and then again at six for a memorable birthday party where he brought a live snake into the house. It was just a harmless grass snake. I wasn’t frightened. I thought it was cool. But I hadn’t seen him since. All I know about his job is that he works for the government.

“No, why?” asked my mum after another pause. Stephan said something but I couldn’t hear him from where I was in the dining room. I slipped out of the room muttering something about packing my schoolbag and rushed upstairs, taking them three at a time.

I barged into my mum’s room and grabbed the cordless phone off her ironing board. The two phones were linked so I could hear everything that they were saying in the phone downstairs. I punched the power button and pressed the phone to my ear.

“I need to hang out at your place for a while. Can you help me?” asked a male voice I presumed was Stephan’s.

“What do you mean? For how long?” asked my mum. Her voice sounded reluctant.

“For a week. No more, no less. Please,” he begged. “Gild can rent a flat near your street and-”

“Why are you bringing Gild?” interrupted my mum. “Is this to do with your work?”

“Yes and no,” he answered hastily. “Please Monika. Just for a week,” he pleaded.

“What if-”

“I swear your family will be in no danger from this at all. You have my word.”

“Well… I s’pose you could sleep in the spare room…” sighed my mum.

“Yes!” whooped Stephan. “I’ll be over round fourish, today. I could even pick Emily up from school if you wanted.”

“Fine, fine. But Stephan, I will hold you to your word. No harm will come to my family over this, you understand?”

“Yes, I understand.”

“Good, I will see you today at about four.”

“Goodbye,” Stephan said cheerfully.

“Goodbye.” They hung up on each other and I quickly replaced the phone on its stand and rushed off to get ready for school. What was going on? What did my mum mean when she made Stephan swear that no harm would come to her family?

I stuffed my school planner into my bag along with my textbooks and jotters. Stephan was going to pick me up from school today and maybe, just maybe, I could ask him then. Although I could guess what type of answer I could expect in return.

My mum entered my room. “Your Uncle Stephan is going to pick you up from school today and maybe stay here for a couple of days, okay?”

“Oh,” I said, trying to assemble my face into what I hoped was a surprised expression.

“Yes, so hurry up and get ready for school you lazy lump,” she scolded briskly.

I grabbed my bag and a couple of pencils and marched down the stairs with my mum at my heels. I stepped out of the front door, into the bitterly cold of the Scottish morning, and into the car where I sat and waited for my dad, watching my breath rise in a mist before me.

School ended slowly because I couldn’t wait to see my Uncle Stephan. Time always seems to stand still when you’re waiting for something or someone. At last the bell rang to signal the end of my last class (geography) and I raced out with my two greatest friends, Zita and Milda, heading for the front gates.

There was a great “oooohhhh…” from passing students as a beautiful car glided into the car park. Even I, who knew nothing about cars, could easily see that this was spectacular.

It had a sliding, wind-stream bonnet and hood. Its tinted windows gleamed in the shining sun. So I was pretty smug, albeit rather shocked, to see Uncle Stephan slip out of the driver’s seat.

The man looked a bit dishevelled compared to the car and he wasn’t exactly the way I remembered him. He was leaner and a bit more powerful looking though his hair, which had been black, was speckled with grey so his head now looked as though it was sprinkled with salt and pepper. He was smoking a cigarette that sent plumes of foul-smelling smoke into the fresh air.

But he still had his broad smile and sparkling blue eyes. “Come on Emily,” he called. The other kids stared open-mouthed as I climbed, blushing, into my uncles shiny, silver car. The inside was very comfortable and just as stylish as the outside though it smelt strongly of smoke.

I fastened my seat belt and leaned back in the black, leather chair. Stephan revved up the engine and smoothly moved out of the car park.

“How’s school?” Stephen asked casually, after taking a deep pull on his cigarette.

“It’s okay, but my history teacher’s given me too much homework.”

“What do you have to do?”

“A three hundred word essay on William Wallace,” I groaned.

“Well, that’s not that bad.”

“No, I s’pose it’s not. Not with you here to help me. I mean, you should know a lot about it, seeing as you are old enough to have seen it all happen.”

“Don’t push your luck,” Stephan chucked. “Anyway, look on the bright side. Anything you write, the teacher has to stay back and correct.”

We fell about laughing. With Stephan for company, the journey was shorter than usual and I got home in time to do my homework, play my video games and get a little bit of The Simpsons (my favourite show) in at the

end.

I was just going downstairs to ask about dinner when I heard Stephan arguing fiercely with my mum and dad. I crouched behind the banister and listened intently.

“She can’t go all her life without knowing,” he was saying. I could almost see my mum biting her lip the way she does when she is nervous.

“She will know, but not now. She’s too young and-” but she was cut short

by dad.

“The elves believe that children are special and that they see things that adults miss. Our child certainly is special but without nourishing, that special something will go to waste.”

“One races’ faith is another’s delusion,” mum huffed.

“I found out when I was twelve,” snarled dad.

“What difference does that make!” shouted mum. They were getting vicious and I was tempted to retreat upstairs in case it turned into a row. But my curiosity kept me in place. Who or what were the elves? What did my mum want to keep from me? Luckily my uncle came to the rescue. “It’s not as if she’s not in danger! You know more about that damn prophet than most of us, Stephan.”

“Monika, please,” he soothed. “You cannot deny that Emily has power. This is her chance to learn how to use and control this power. I will only offer this once; will you let me teach her?”

“Stephen, you said that my family would not get involved,” sighed mum desperately.

“I said they would not get hurt and they won’t.”

There was a pause in which nobody said anything for a while. Then mum said; “yes alright, but be nice. Break it to her nicely.”

“She’s not a child,” sniffed Stephan.

“She’s not an adult either!” snapped mum.

Things were getting dangerous again so I decided to scarper to my bedroom where I tried to drown out the sounds of shouting and mull it all over. Elves? What were they? They sounded like a secret society. What “power” do I have that is so “special”? And just generally, what was going on?

I had so many questions spinning around in my head that I could barely see the text of The Hobbit which I had taken out to put my mind off it.

I was still trying to read The Hobbit when Stephan visited me in my room. He saw the book and chuckled. I switched off my personal C.D. player and lowered my earphones that I had been listening to while reading.

“You like fantasy?” he asked, smiling and gesturing at my book.

“Yeah, Tolkien, Lewis, Applegate, you know, that stuff.”

“What’s your favourite race?”

“Sorry?”

“You know,” he grinned. “Elves, dwarves, hobbits.”

“Oh, right. I like elves,” I told him. “But I like to be scared so I’d have to say I had a special soft spot for vampires.”

“Isn’t that horror though?” he asked.

“Stephan,” I said firmly. “Come on. You are not here to discuss books. I heard you arguing with my mum and dad. You’re here to tell me something important.”

He cursed loudly. “That’s not the way I wanted you to find out,” he

sighed. “Alright. Ask me whatever questions you might have and will try to answer them as best I can. But if I can’t answer for any reason, please do not push me for answers.”

That only got me even more curious but I knew that there was no point arguing. I had so many questions to ask that I didn’t know where to begin. “Who or what are elves?” I said finally. “I mean, you can’t actually be talking about real elves with pointy hats and all?”

“Elves are a race of people who have been hidden from humanity for over four hundred years. They have magical powers and can speak telepathically-“

“What, like mind-read?” I interrupted him.

“In a manner of speaking,” he said. “Now don’t interrupt. They are beautiful creatures that are faster, fitter and stronger than most humans.”

My uncle might have had two heads the way I was staring at him. “Are you telling me that elves exist?”

“I certainly am. I have seen many. In fact, I know one personally. “

“But… but…” I couldn’t understand it. I might have thought he was joking but he spoke with perfect seriousness. He didn’t smile or laugh as he usually did when cracking a joke. He really expected me to believe him.

“Are they immortal?”

“Yep.”

“Cool!”

He laughed when I said that. “You’re taking this better than my wife did. When I told her, she thought I was mad and tried to throw me out of the house!”

“You said something about a magical talent,” I said. “What did you mean?”

“Well your great, great, great, great, great… um… (well something like that) grandmother was an elf. She married a human but all her children were human, like their father, because the bloodlines can’t mix. But you are the first in all those generations to show signs of magic within you. You are not an elf. You would have pointed ears if you were but you, apparently, have the power to control magic.”

I sat there, stunned. The revelation that I could do magic and that I had an elven grandmother was just too much.

“But wait a minute,” I muttered. “How come I never knew about this before? How come I couldn’t turn my enemies into toads or fly or do anything cool like that?”

Stephan laughed again. “It’s not like that. Magic comes from the air in the form of what we call sydhafeb atoms. There is no magic inside you. You have to learn to draw it from the air, and no one, not even the most powerful elves that ever lived, could do that naturally from the day they were born. You have to be taught.”

I couldn’t say I understood everything he said and although it sounded impressive, I couldn’t help feeling a little disappointed that I wouldn’t be able to turn my enemies into toads.

“Listen, it’s getting late,” said Stephan. “Tomorrow I will pick you up from school and take you to see a good and trusted friend of mine. I plan for him to teach you how to master your powers. His name is Gild. If you have any other questions then they will have to wait ‘till tomorrow, okay?”

“Yeah, okay…”

But it wasn’t okay at all. I had just discovered that elves exist and that I was “talented”, whatever that meant. And another thing had struck my mind just as Stephan was leaving. If it was possible for elves to exist, then why not dwarves, werewolves, dragons or even vampires?

Still full of questions, I lay down to sleep with my head buzzing.


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Thu Jun 14, 2007 6:32 pm
Writersdomain wrote a review...



Hi there, Betty!

Welcome to YWS! :D I'm WD, and I hope you enjoy it here. There's a welcome section where you can introduce yourself and meet people under Community Forums if you want to get connected. Make sure to read the rules and "Before You Post" threads - they're very helpful. Because this has a tiny bit of swearing, I'll have to bump it up to PG for you, but you're brand new, so I'm not going to get on your case about it. :wink:

Anyways, on to your story...

I liked it; it is a great start and your first person flows very naturally. I am intrigued as to know who Stephan is and how this is going to work out. I have the feeling harm is going to come to the family, but I might very well be wrong. So, here is what I'm going to do. First, I'm going to do some simple nitpicking, and then I am going to go into some overall things you can work on as you continue writing, okay? Okay.

The Nitpick

This particular day began nothing special but it turned out to be one of the strangest and most eventful days of my life. I sat down to breakfast that day as normal as ever, grabbed my spoon and dug into my (normal) cereal.


You may know of something called a 'hook' - it's usually a few lines at the beginning of a story that catch the reader's attention. Honestly, this paragraph doesn't do that for me. So, when you edit this, think of about how to reword/add to this and make it more intriguing. Remember, first paragraph = first impression. :wink:

My interest and curiosity arose suddenly.


This is going to tie in to what I say later, but with statement like this, I would like to see more body language. What does it look like for her curiosity to arise? Does she sit up straighter? Does her heart begin to race? Does she start shaking in anticipation? Details like these will give the reader a clearer image.

I stepped out of the front door, into the bitterly cold of the Scottish morning, and into the car where I sat and waited for my dad, watching my breath rise in a mist before me.


Hm, I think bitterly should be bitter here, because it is used as an adjective here. I also think that 'the Scottish morning' should be 'a Scottish morning'.

“Don’t push your luck,” Stephan chucked. “Anyway, look on the bright side. Anything you write, the teacher has to stay back and correct.”


chucked should be chuckled?

I had so many questions spinning around in my head that I could barely see the text of The Hobbit which I had taken out to put my mind off it.


You may want to clarify what 'it' is. As first read, it sounds like she is taking out The Hobbit to keep her mind off The Hobbit.

He cursed loudly. “That’s not the way I wanted you to find out,” he
sighed. “Alright. Ask me whatever questions you might have and will try to answer them as best I can. But if I can’t answer for any reason, please do not push me for answers.”


Now, I don't know your characters as well as you do, but it was strange to me that Stephan gave into telling her so quickly. I'm not going to question your knowledge of your characters, but at least consider if there would be any reluctance in Stephan telling her.

THINGS TO WATCH OUT FOR

Here are some things I noticed in here that I think you can improve upon while editing.

1. Telling. You have probably heard the phrase 'show;don't tell' before, and from the maturity of your writing, I think you know what that means, but I just want to reiterate it. There were times when I felt you were telling me instead of showing me, and, while they were few, they can be improved upon.

A. Simple Telling:

My interest and curiosity arose suddenly. Stephan was my dad’s brother. I never got to see much of my uncle as he was usually either in his home in Holland or travelling the globe on business. My earliest memories of him were of when I was three or four and then again at six for a memorable birthday party where he brought a live snake into the house. It was just a harmless grass snake. I wasn’t frightened. I thought it was cool. But I hadn’t seen him since. All I know about his job is that he works for the government.


While I don't mind some of this telling, it felt like a bit much. While considering what to do with this paragraph ask yourself: Is all this information really necessary this point in time? Is there information that I can mention later with the story still making sense? Can some of this be portrayed through Emily's actions and dialogue instead of told through narrative? Does it bog down the narrative? Answering those questions should help you out some.

B. Telling vs. Body Language: Another form of telling is telling us what something sounds like or what someone's face looks like. While this is used often and is not always bad, there are times that I feel body language would suit your story more than your telling us. I mentioned above the part where you say that interest and curiosity rose in Emily, and while that is not necessarily bad, showing us more of her actions or describing to us how she feels (nausea, upset stomach, things you feel upon a certain emotion), I think you can make it more vivid. So, when you edit this, keep that in mind.

2. Character Development and Consistency: You did a wonderful job of developing Emily through your first person, but some of the other characters (namely mum and her father) seemed flat at the moment. We get the basics of them, but more of Emily's attitude towards them would be nice as I'm not sure what her relationship with them is like yet. This is only your first chapter, so I'm not too worried, but while editing this, play around with giving us insights into the other characters. This can be done through body language, Emily's reactions and the characters's reactions in addition to your wonderful dialogue. As for consistency, just be sure to make your characters realistic and true to themselves. I touched on this about Stephan, so yeah. You know your character's best.

In all, a wonderful job, Betty! You have an excellent first chapter here and it was really a joy to read. Keep on writing and PM me if you have any questions or need anything.

Again, welcome to YWS! :D




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Thu Jun 14, 2007 6:20 pm
Twit wrote a review...



Hm, not bad. :)

You need to review AT LEAST twice before you post any stuff of your own, though!!

On the story... if Emily's never shown any talent for special stuff before, how do they know she's got this "thing"?

VB wrote:This particular day began nothing special but it turned out to be one of the strangest and most eventful days of my life.


Change this to "This particular day began normally" or something like that. The way you've put it sounds weird.


VB wrote:....and dug into my (normal) cereal.


Nix this.


VB wrote:We (me and my dad) heard her speaking from the living room.


Just say, "Me and my dad".


VB wrote:“Hello?” a pause. “Yes,another pause. “Oh, hello Stephan.”


Capital letter.

Full stop and capital letter.


VB wrote:It was just a harmless grass snake. I wasn’t frightened. I thought it was cool.


Run all these three sentances together.


VB wrote:“I need to hang out at your place for a while. Can you help me?” asked a male voice I presumed was Stephan’s.


Personal nitpick here. Add "that" inbetween "voice" and "I".


VB wrote:“I’ll be over round fourish, today..."


Fourish = four-ish? Or say "round about four"



VB wrote:I stepped out of the front door, into the bitterly cold of the Scottish morning


Bitterly = bitter


VB wrote:The other kids stared open-mouthed as I climbed, blushing, into my uncles shiny, silver car.


Uncles = uncle's


VB wrote:“Don’t push your luck,” Stephan chucked.


Chucked = chuckled


VB wrote:With Stephan for company, the journey was shorter than usual and I got home in time to do my homework, play my video games and get a little bit of The Simpsons (my favourite show) in at the end.


Nix this - it gets in the way.


VB wrote:Luckily my uncle came to the rescue. “It’s not as if she’s not in danger! You know more about that damn prophet than most of us, Stephan.”


Shouldn't that be mum?


VB wrote:He cursed loudly.


Has this guy NO self-restraint??


Anyways, good beginning! Nice hook and all.

-Twit




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Thu Jun 14, 2007 6:03 pm
Tempest wrote a review...



Hey there I'm pretty new too! You should introduce yourself in the community section, maybe you'd get more reviewers on your first piece.

There were no spelling mistakes i could spot when i pasted this in word so err... Go you!
This was sort of a cliche/original mix, I think.
So when did you write this?

Anyways pretty good job!





I also wish you good mouth rocks
— figget