Hi there, Betty!
Welcome to YWS! I'm WD, and I hope you enjoy it here. There's a welcome section where you can introduce yourself and meet people under Community Forums if you want to get connected. Make sure to read the rules and "Before You Post" threads - they're very helpful. Because this has a tiny bit of swearing, I'll have to bump it up to PG for you, but you're brand new, so I'm not going to get on your case about it.
Anyways, on to your story...
I liked it; it is a great start and your first person flows very naturally. I am intrigued as to know who Stephan is and how this is going to work out. I have the feeling harm is going to come to the family, but I might very well be wrong. So, here is what I'm going to do. First, I'm going to do some simple nitpicking, and then I am going to go into some overall things you can work on as you continue writing, okay? Okay.
The Nitpick
This particular day began nothing special but it turned out to be one of the strangest and most eventful days of my life. I sat down to breakfast that day as normal as ever, grabbed my spoon and dug into my (normal) cereal.
You may know of something called a 'hook' - it's usually a few lines at the beginning of a story that catch the reader's attention. Honestly, this paragraph doesn't do that for me. So, when you edit this, think of about how to reword/add to this and make it more intriguing. Remember, first paragraph = first impression.
My interest and curiosity arose suddenly.
This is going to tie in to what I say later, but with statement like this, I would like to see more body language. What does it look like for her curiosity to arise? Does she sit up straighter? Does her heart begin to race? Does she start shaking in anticipation? Details like these will give the reader a clearer image.
I stepped out of the front door, into the bitterly cold of the Scottish morning, and into the car where I sat and waited for my dad, watching my breath rise in a mist before me.
Hm, I think bitterly should be bitter here, because it is used as an adjective here. I also think that 'the Scottish morning' should be 'a Scottish morning'.
“Don’t push your luck,” Stephan chucked. “Anyway, look on the bright side. Anything you write, the teacher has to stay back and correct.”
chucked should be chuckled?
I had so many questions spinning around in my head that I could barely see the text of The Hobbit which I had taken out to put my mind off it.
You may want to clarify what 'it' is. As first read, it sounds like she is taking out The Hobbit to keep her mind off The Hobbit.
He cursed loudly. “That’s not the way I wanted you to find out,” he
sighed. “Alright. Ask me whatever questions you might have and will try to answer them as best I can. But if I can’t answer for any reason, please do not push me for answers.”
Now, I don't know your characters as well as you do, but it was strange to me that Stephan gave into telling her so quickly. I'm not going to question your knowledge of your characters, but at least consider if there would be any reluctance in Stephan telling her.
THINGS TO WATCH OUT FOR
Here are some things I noticed in here that I think you can improve upon while editing.
1. Telling. You have probably heard the phrase 'show;don't tell' before, and from the maturity of your writing, I think you know what that means, but I just want to reiterate it. There were times when I felt you were telling me instead of showing me, and, while they were few, they can be improved upon.
A. Simple Telling:
My interest and curiosity arose suddenly. Stephan was my dad’s brother. I never got to see much of my uncle as he was usually either in his home in Holland or travelling the globe on business. My earliest memories of him were of when I was three or four and then again at six for a memorable birthday party where he brought a live snake into the house. It was just a harmless grass snake. I wasn’t frightened. I thought it was cool. But I hadn’t seen him since. All I know about his job is that he works for the government.
While I don't mind some of this telling, it felt like a bit much. While considering what to do with this paragraph ask yourself: Is all this information really necessary this point in time? Is there information that I can mention later with the story still making sense? Can some of this be portrayed through Emily's actions and dialogue instead of told through narrative? Does it bog down the narrative? Answering those questions should help you out some.
B. Telling vs. Body Language: Another form of telling is telling us what something sounds like or what someone's face looks like. While this is used often and is not always bad, there are times that I feel body language would suit your story more than your telling us. I mentioned above the part where you say that interest and curiosity rose in Emily, and while that is not necessarily bad, showing us more of her actions or describing to us how she feels (nausea, upset stomach, things you feel upon a certain emotion), I think you can make it more vivid. So, when you edit this, keep that in mind.
2. Character Development and Consistency: You did a wonderful job of developing Emily through your first person, but some of the other characters (namely mum and her father) seemed flat at the moment. We get the basics of them, but more of Emily's attitude towards them would be nice as I'm not sure what her relationship with them is like yet. This is only your first chapter, so I'm not too worried, but while editing this, play around with giving us insights into the other characters. This can be done through body language, Emily's reactions and the characters's reactions in addition to your wonderful dialogue. As for consistency, just be sure to make your characters realistic and true to themselves. I touched on this about Stephan, so yeah. You know your character's best.
In all, a wonderful job, Betty! You have an excellent first chapter here and it was really a joy to read. Keep on writing and PM me if you have any questions or need anything.
Again, welcome to YWS!
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