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Young Writers Society



The Untold War

by VampierKnight


This is only an idea so I only need a yes or no or some ideas for this please don't heasatate I love other people's suggestions. Mind you I haven't wrote anything since I was 13. So if you dont have any good things to say then leave me and my books alone....but anything else is welcome so please enjoy! :D

Prologue:

For many Years Vampires and Humans have had many, many wars. The worst was in the Twentieth Century the Vampires believed in using some of their abilities to their advantage, some could even control minds. The worst of the wars that the Vampires were apart of are the two world wars. They stared by controlling the men of Austria-Hungry to attack the lands of Serbia. This war was just how the Vampires wanted to start. In only this one war eight million men died. They wanted to break the humans down so that way they could have their own war with the humans. Unfortunately for the Vampires the humans help up and were still a well populated force. Because of this they tried another war right after the peace of the First World War. This time instead of controlling the mind of many people the Vampire leader Vladimir Dracula controlled the mind of only one soul. At first the man resisted but this man’s mind was not so strong and so he cracked. Because of this puny man resisted so he made it so the man could never come back. So he stole the man’s soul during night time and he ate it. With this he made the man and puppet for his own bidding. Dracula was please of his actions and laughed grinning he said in a soft voice. “Hehehehe…good try trying to hold out as you did my little meat puppet but not good enough. Now that I have you…you will start a war start with the country of Germany and make your way till the whole world is yours…..do this if you wish for your soul again…Adolf Hitler….HeHeheheHAHAHAHAHAHA!”Once Hitler started World War II the Vampires waited to the end know that Hitler will fail in shame. In the Second World War about 64 million people died. Even though Hitler fails conquering the world the Vladimir was still pleased. Only because of how many humans died. At this point the Vampire came out of hiding and one by one they began to suck and kill more and more humans. This would keep the numbers of humans there would be and to create more Vampires. Year after year more and more Vampires came and never went they just came as more humans died or became Vampires. At the end of the Twentieth Century a new type of human soldier was made these men were called the redvice. Redvice was the last hope for humanity when it came to Vampires. Redvice started with a man’s dream to defeat Vampires. This man’s name was Van Helsing. His lust for Vampire blood was so great that he and his followers became the very first Vampire Hunter guild. Redvice was the best thing to happen to the world of humans. Once they began killing Vampires the whole of the Vampire population decreased by half. For a whole Century the battle against Vampires went on and on. Until the very end came in a very dramatic way. The Vampires went for one last push and this push rained the end to all of humanities technology. By the year 2000 the whole of human technology was mainly basic if not any guns. It was mainly swords of other projectiles like crossbows and such. To think that the only type of weapons that the humans had left would be mainly medieval weapons. However there was still hope…The Redvice…with their new leaders John and Natasha Valentine…and their children….

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Mon Jul 21, 2008 9:01 pm
Meep wrote a review...



VampierKnight wrote:“Hehehehe…good try trying to hold out as you did my little meat puppet but not good enough. Now that I have you…you will start a war start with the country of Germany and make your way till the whole world is yours…..do this if you wish for your soul again…Adolf Hitler….HeHeheheHAHAHAHAHAHA!”

No. Just ... no. It is impossible to take anything seriously if maniacal villainous laughter is involved and I don't think this is meant to be a parody.

I like historical revisionism and hidden histories, but they need to be a) subtle and b) well researched. Hilter was more than capable of going crazy on his own, he didn't need to be threatened or bullied into it. However, that doesn't mean that the Vampires can't take advantage of WWII for their own purposes. Do they want the human population completely decimated, or just too weak to fight back?

Also, research. There was more to WWII than the European theater of war. The Japanese had been fighting in China for years before Germany invaded Austria and Poland. Were the Vampires involved in the annexation of Korea or the Marco-Polo Bridge Incident? Like I said, I enjoy hidden histories but they need to be really well researched in order to be plausible.

Also-also, have you read Bram Stoker's Dracula? If not, do so. It's not fair to use Dracula and Van Helsing if you haven't read their source text. They're a fascinating pair, but they've been watered down and changed around in modern adaptations. (It might also be worth doing at least casual research into Vlad the Impaler and other vampire lore.)

Like xavia-finch said, keep trying. Work in fleshing out character and plot concepts. Research.

... and keep writing.

PS. The [enter] key is your friend. Use it. Paragraphs will make your readers love you more.




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Mon Jul 21, 2008 6:26 am
Daedalus says...



Try and twist it around a little, make it to show that humans were never really that evil, they were only being controlled and brain washed.

Leaving the brain washed humans in the dark as to their identity might help too.




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Sun Jul 20, 2008 10:10 pm
xavia-finch says...



VampierKnight wrote:Thank you xavia-finch for your advice...I really like your ideas and I'll look it over and see what I can do to tell you the truth I put this all in a full hour so its not so good to my real works.


Cant wait to read your vampire stories! pm me when you post them.

Have you read twilight? I havnt but my friend loves it and its apparently vampire based.



:) :) :)




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Sun Jul 20, 2008 9:59 pm
VampierKnight says...



Thank you xavia-finch for your advice...I really like your ideas and I'll look it over and see what I can do to tell you the truth I put this all in a full hour so its not so good to my real works.




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Sun Jul 20, 2008 9:52 pm
VampierKnight says...



xavia-finch I'm only saying things like unhelpful things like "Wow this sucks keep working on it." that type of stuff I'm OK with criticizing I'm OK just if you have a good point... ok?




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Sun Jul 20, 2008 11:10 am
xavia-finch wrote a review...



Yeah...


I kind of agree with GriffinKeeper.

And there is no point posting your work if you cant take criticism... or "if we don't have good things to say."
How can we do a critique and how can you improve without honest, constructive criticism?


So. Are you by any change studying The wars at school, or just interested in them?? Because it sounds like You've taken count Dracula and spat him out into a pool of historical facts.

The vampires took control of Hitler "WHAHAHAHA". He killed 8 million people... 64 million... In the twentieth century...

I know this is just an idea, and in that sense there is a lot here that you can work with. Fantasy fiction wise, this piece is too historically based.

Try basing your fiction loosely around historical facts and figures rather than having it rely on history. Create an evil villain BASED around Hitler. Give him a different name, Give him a psychology. Talk about how this villain conducted Vampire wars in which millions of vampires took part in sky wars in the middle of the night. Not only did many vampires die, but they ruthlessly murdered innocent humans who were sleeping peacefully in their beds.

Here, you replace Hitler with the vampire leader, Soldiers with the Vampires, and humans with civilians.


It will make it more interesting and less like a text book.


Also, develop your characters, plot and setting before you post again. Make a plan. Establish a story, use dialogue, build the tension and don't rush.

But most of all, DON'T GIVE UP!

If you want to write, then write.

Hope I've been of some help!

Happy writing :) :)


.




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Sun Jul 20, 2008 6:33 am
Griffinkeeper wrote a review...



Um... no. This story sounds like a vampire conspiracy theory. Saying that Vampires made Hitler would break any plausibility the story would have and you would lose the readers in the first chapter.

Humans are more than capable of starting wars that kill millions.




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Sun Jul 20, 2008 3:06 am
myfreindsavamp wrote a review...



Are the little devil things there children? :?

I have no idea for you buddy, but this is kinda interesting. I would make more than one paragragh though. Were ever you feel like it just enter and vwala. You have made your own paraghraps and fixxed my eyeballs. :shock: :wink:

See ay again,
-Amber





I'll actually turning 100 soon
— Ari11