Published January 29, 2011
As if it were some warm, summer afternoon,
golden sun rays enhancing his eyes,
reflected on his beloved’s face.
He could not see her cry,
could not see those sapphires
spoiling their glisten with tears.
For a last moment’s whisper
was all he could hear.
Senses grow numb.
Such is the effect of love.
Least when they expect it,
Sweet hearts forget.
He cannot remember his name,
And she, what a shame!
A bittersweet crime it is to surfeit
In the embraces of another,
However tight and snug love may be,
Let us cling tightly to our senses
Despite this tension,
He can withhold from prolonging
What was not meant to be
And while her grasp is firm
Still he can bear,
Then last a moment’s whisper
Was all he could hear.
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This is a very pretty poem; you have some lovely imagery going on here. I loved the first lines in particular:
These caught my attention, something you always want to do at the beginning of a piece.
This might flow better if you worded it "When they least expect it."
Obviously these two lines rhyme. The only problem with that is that throughout most of the poem, you seem a little uncertain as to whether you really want the lines to rhyme or not. I'd suggest either eliminating the rhyme altogether, or giving it a steadier pattern.
Surfeit, nice vocabulary here!
This is just a personal opinion, but I don't really favor the use of "snug" here. Maybe a more sophisticated word?
The wording here is a little confusing. You might try replacing "last" with "at last" or "finally" to clear up the meaning a bit.
Overall: I like this poem. It presents emotion without being sappy, and as I said before, your language is beautiful. Keep up the good work!
SweetMoments here to review!
The flow was nice and the imagery was quite nice at the beginning but then I felt that it became less near the end. I quite like this poem. Well done, keep writing for its the best thing to do!