~the other side of the glass~
Part 1
“Have you ever been stuck in a nightmare that you knew wasn’t real. One so horrifying that you pray and scream for somebody to call your name, shake you, slap you, anything to rip you from the tortures you face. If you go back in, it will be the same thing. Except you’ll know that on the other side of the glass, there’s only another million people, all asleep like you are. And no matter how hard you try, you won’t wake up. You’ll know that there’s no one, no one, out here to shake you awake. And on your deathbed, when you’re old and grey, when you’re kids have kids, and their kids are starting to have kids. You’ll know, that when you’re eyes close for the last time, that they already been closed, for your entire life. “
November 29th
Imagine, if you can, a boy. He was running. Stumbling. Unforgiving rails of track stretched out endlessly before him. The stones shifted and crutched beneath his feet. With every step he took, the frozen air seemed to thicken, as if to form a wall in front of him. And every time he smashed through it, his lungs were left burning. The boy’s breath entered the air in clouds; almost as if the fiery passion that drove him was so powerful that every time he opened his mouth, smoke escaped.
A whistle broke the night.
The boy faltered, and turned to look behind him. His eyes swiveled, following the echoes of the sound and pinpointed the source. A feathered yellow glow was approaching. Without another second of hesitance, he started moving again; this time with even more urgency. To an onlooker it would have seemed odd. When at first one would have assumed he was running towards something, it seemed then he was in fact running away. After a hundred or so yards, the boy veered off the track, into a thick grouping of trees on the right side. The lights behind him were bright now, revealing thousands of dust specks floating in the air above the track.
Pushing aside the branches, he moved through the foliage intentionally, yet weekly at the same time. His face was contorted, all his muscles squeezed into an expression of utter determination and strength. But the fact that the façade was so difficult to create implied much more. A couple yards in and the trees thinned into a small clearing. The moonlight had found a path into it as well, and it dripped the grass in silver paint.
Breaking into a stride, the boy ran across the clearing to a large tree on the far side. His legs and arms shook more with each step. When he reached it, his hands gripped the bark, moving upward to a piece of paper that was pinned there. His shoulders slumped.
This world is real to me. – Violet
The note fell from his hands, which were now shaking, like newly emerged butterflies. An animalistic sob caught in his mouth. Bracing against the tree, he began to cry. The tears were hidden in shadow, but his anguish could be heard all too vividly. The next moment, as if through a fog, he retraced the way he came. The rattle of the train sent a vibration through the trees. The whistle sent birds scattering into the sky. But he never stopped. With tears falling from his face, he stumbled onto the track. His hunched form was drenched in light. Fountains of sparks sprung up as the breaks were pulled. And then darkness.
•••
It is an odd sensation; waking up for the first time. That moment when you open your eyes, after thinking they were already open. The second when you taste air, and suck it in so hard that your chest swells and you feel like you’re going to explode. And you wonder why you’ve been holding your breath for so long, and how you even managed to survive.
When the boy’s mind finally emerged from the dream, his eyes snapped open. They were glossy, pupils like black moons. A low gurgled scraped in his throat and he blinked rapidly. One can only imagine what was going through his head. The first thought probably was that he was dead. But briefly after he would have discarded that fantasy. He had become, in some way, more alive.
At least a dozen of adaptors were stuck to his shaven head, an IV in his arm, and a glass tube incasing his entire body; which was naked except for a dark, silk-like pair of underwear.
His muscles tensed, pulling his fingers into a fist and then back limp again. He repeated that process at least a hundred times. First with his right, then with his left hand, then he started wiggling his toes. Only after he finished did his lips part in a smile. His first real smile- and one of the last.
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Wow, this is great! I could really get a sense of what the surronding was like.
Hi Valentine!
It feels like these sentences should be combined. The last comma should be nixed, and “you’re” is short for “you are”. So this should look like And on your deathbed, when you’re old and grey, when your kids have kids and their kids are starting to have kids, you’ll know that when your eyes close for the last time that they have been closed for your entire life. Only that last part doesn’t sound right. I’m not entirely sure what the sentiment is behind it, so I won’t reshuffle, but it does need tweaking.
Well, duh, of course I can imagine a boy. That’s an odd way to begin. Why shouldn’t I be able to imagine a boy? The first sentence doesn’t fit with the rest; you begin in second person and present tense and immediately leap into third person and past tense. I’d nix the “imagine a boy” bit and go straight to third and past.
Why is the track unforgiving? I don’t get what image you’re creating here.
Should be “crunched”.
I don’t like this bit; it jolts back out of the boy’s head and outside, back to the second person imagining the boy. It would be ok if you were consistently distant, but just before you were talking about how he was feeling and his lungs and all, so close.
This sounds odd. Of course he’s moving through the foliage intentionally. He couldn’t be moving through it unintentionally. Also “weekly” is like “once a week”; you mean “weakly”.
Nice image.
Nix the commas. I’m not sure this image fits. Newly emerged butterflies would be very thin and delicate and fragile, and not what I’d associate with hands. Fingers, maybe.
Again there’s the distance just after the intimacy. You were talking about what it felt to wake up for the first time; you were going into detail, you were painting a picture of it, you were getting into what I thought was the narrator’s head. And then this, the almost archaic “one” shocks out of the boy’s head and into the ether.
———
Hi!
I like your title! It’s long but pretty. Other than that, I didn’t really know what to make of this. In a short story, or at least part of a short story like this, you need to make a connection with the reader quickly because you’ve got so little time to make an impression. You need something—a character, an idea, a concept, a puzzle—to leave the reader something. You don’t have the space to spin a story as you would in a novel so you need to have something else.
Obviously there’s probably more of whatever your theme is in the other parts of this story, but for a first part I think you need something more, and I’d suggest doing something with your character. He seems very important and a part of the theme about dreaming and reality, but I don’t know anything about him at all. Even when you’re telling us what’s happening to him there’s no real vivacity. One minute you’re in his head showing us what’s happening there, and then the next second you’re distancing yourself by using “one would think” or describing him in a very outsider observation. Stick to one or the other. You can create a connection even with distance and showing us him from the outside rather than the inside, but shopping and switching between inside and outside his head makes the whole story feel disjointed.
Your writing is very confident and authoritative, and you obviously have the skill to make this work! It’s the inconsistency that doesn’t fit, but if you just work your character a bit it’ll be much better. ^_^
PM or Wall me if you have any questions!
-twit
Hi! Sorry about the delya, been a bit busy lately but here I am
I'd suggest removing 'thing' from this line as it spoils the suspence you're building.Specifics
1. Title: Just wanted to say I really like the title, it's attention grabbing and it has a nice hint of mystery to it.
2.
3. Careful with the your vs you're! A good way to remember it, is to always read you're as 'you are' and then you'll not go wrong. Also, love the last sentence!
4. I'm not sure what you mean by 'crutched'. Is it supposed to be crushed?
5. Another mix up, careful there. Remember, if it's weekly, you're talking about days and weeks. But if you mean to say weak as in 'the boy is too weak to lift it', there should be an a.
6. I think you must mean dipped instead of dripped? It sounds awkward with dripped as you have to say that something drips onto something else, like 'the moonlight dripped onto the grass'. But dipped would make sense.
7.
8.
Overall
There's a very 'inception' feel to this and I'm liking it! I think my main question is, would this be a stand alone piece or part of a story? Because there needs to be more of it to work as a stand alone. At the moment, you've got some great descriptions and a lovely sense of tone. The scenes are vivid and dramatic and that works well for you. What isn't working is your character.
This lacks the right level of emotion and it feels disconnected because your main character is kept too apart from the reader. We're not able to sense how sad he is at the realisation that his friend has decided to remain behind and there isn't a feeling of triumph at the end. You tell us he smiles but we haven't got to know the character well enough to understand that or to feel his emotions. From what little we found out about Violet, I'd have thought he'd be sad instead of happy.
So this needs some more background work but it's a fun concept to play around with! Also, maybe add a little more work on the five senses. It would be nice for you to explore this dream world more and show us just how real it feels. Can he smell the grass, feel the wind on the back of his neck? Can he hear the ocean in the distance, see every shade of the rainbow like it was really there?
If you spend more time setting this dream world up, then the reader will worry more about what might be on the other side of that glass and you can build up tension and create a more lively story. A good start here though and good luck with that!
Heather xxx
Hi there!
Wow, this is great! I really enjoyed reading it. My eyes were glued to the screen and I couldn't stop reading. Your descriptions are spot on and offer wonderful imagery. I can see everything happening here. I love the mysterious feeling as well. It had a certain mysterious feel to it.
Comments/Suggestions/Critiques:
~the first sentence should have a question mark at the end
"If you go back in, it will be the same thing."
~take out 'back' in the first part of this sentence. It seems weird to say you could go back to a dream
"With every step he took, the frozen air seemed to thicken, as if to form a wall in front of him."
~I think you should say 'the frozen air seemed to thicken, forming a wall in front of him.' This works especially well because in the next sentence you say "And every time he smashed through it, his lungs were left burning." I'm assuming the 'it' here is the wall.
"A whistle broke the night."
~you should put 'through' in between 'broke' and 'the'.
"The rattle of the train sent a vibration through the trees."
~what train? You should say 'The rattle of a train sent vibrations through the trees'. Having never mentioned a train before, your sentence confuses the reader.
"It is an odd sensation; waking up for the first time. That moment when you open your eyes, after thinking they were already open. The second when you taste air, and suck it in so hard that your chest swells and you feel like you’re going to explode. And you wonder why you’ve been holding your breath for so long, and how you even managed to survive."
~this is genius. Honestly, I have nothing to say because I'm speechless. I figured I'd let you know that.
"They were glossy (no comma here) pupils (comma) like black moons."
~you mixed up where the commas should be in this sentence.
Overall I give this a 7/6. I absolutely loved it and I think it's written beautifully. There's a good bit of confusion in this, but I like it. I don't much about this boy's background, but it's not needed.
I noticed this says it's part one. Does that mean there'll be a part two?? I hope so
Keep writing!
**Noelle**