Prologue-Val
The most overwhelming key to a child's success is the positive involvement of parents.
-Jane Hull
I’ve watched her. Watched her sitting on her huge throne all day. Citizens come in, she acts interested in their problems but in the end sends them away insulted with an excuse why their problem isn’t important, or can’t be fixed. The only thing I hate more then her is that stupid throne. It’s a hiding place from the world. It’s a barrier between power and powerless. Between royalty, and royal subjects.
My mom sits on it, acting all mighty and awesome. But you can tell by that look in her eyes: she’s afraid of something. But what that is, I dare not think about it. If there’s a threat out there that scares her, then we’re all goners. Because my mom is the queen. I’ve always wondered what it’s like to be her. To have the nerve to do nothing for the kingdom even when she knows that people are counting on her.
How she came to sit on that throne is such a mystery to me that it hurts my head just to think about it. A villain, a thief! How could someone like that become queen? Simple, the same way my mother did. An evil person she is, but she always gets what she wants. I have vague memories of watching her in a different way than I do now. I watched her steal and lie, and run. From the law possibly. Or maybe just maybe, from what she left behind. I’m not a daughter to her. I’m merely a pawn on the chessboard that we call life.
Part 1: The Battle Rages On
~Chapter 1~
Magic-Chi Chi
I think that the ideal space must contain elements of magic, serenity, sorcery and mystery.
-Luis Barragan
Ramon and Val were fighting again. Val was using her magic powers against him which put her at a huge advantage. So, Ramon was defenseless and started ducking behind trees and rocks.
Rosa, Ramon’s earth mother, had been knocked out by the magic. She wasn’t yet accustomed to the strong energy that invades the air when magic is used. I remember the first time I felt it. I was only five and had just learned about my powers….
“Chi Chi. You must learn to control the power that now burns inside you.” my teacher said. When my power was discovered, my life changed. I was sent away to a reformatory for sorcerers. The teacher was supposed to steal our magic and turn us into ordinary humans. I didn’t find out until that day of practice, she was actually a sorcerer herself. She was training us how to use our powers. Then setting us free with an odd new name. Hard to believe, before I got there, I was Gazel. (And you think Chi Chi is weird.)
“But it’s hard!” I whined.
“Chi Chi!” my teacher said sharply, annoyed at my constant complaining. She looked me deep in the eyes, a trick Val could use. I looked away, but she used magic to turn my head. My eyes caught hers immediately and the magic locked. Then my teacher used a trick I’d seen her use on other students, and I always prayed she wouldn’t use it on me. She opened her hand like an alligator, then clamped it down, abruptly closing my mouth. But as the trick was used, the energy grew and I fainted.
Now I’m more professional and skilled with my magic. I spent eight years with my teacher, unlike everyone else who left after the mandatory five years. I spent the extra time practicing how to endure the energy. At the end of the eight years, I was still feeling fine as my teacher fainted from the energy she created.
Anyways, I stayed to help Ramon’s earth mother get up off the ground. I had my hand under her head and was watching the fight.
I shook my head. ”No. Not today,” she said, and stuck out my hand. It was scarred as if it had been in a fire. I hated that it was so ugly, but that was what happened the more I used my signature trick. I was going to have to use that now. I watched as a fireball started swirling in my hand. Then darts flew out of it. One just barely missed Val but the other hit Ramon right in the foot. He toppled over and layed there clutching his foot. I hated to hurt him, but had to. Val didn’t have any honor, but there was one thing she wouldn’t do: Finish a battle without a fight. She wanted to finish Ramon, but she wouldn’t do it now that he wasn’t a threat to her back.
”No!” Ramon’s mother shouted as she woke up, and pushed me away. I fell back hard.
”Stop!” I shouted, and immediately sent a fireball dart flying her way. She ducked to avoid it causing Val to get hit in the arm.
”Go home and forget what you saw here today,” I ordered.
”No. What have you done to my son?” Ramon’s earth mother asked, starting to panic now. Ramon’s eyes were closed shut. I ran over to her and she nervously stepped back.
“You have to protect Ramon. Promise we you will do that.” I said.
She quickly nodded, and fled.
~Chapter 2~
Life Saving-Chi Chi
If somebody cares about you and believes your life is worth saving, how can you give up?
-Geraldine Ferraro
When Ramon’s earth mother walked in, she was so scared to see me that she dropped her groceries.
“Don’t freak out,” I hurriedly said.
“What are you doing here?” she screamed.
“Is Ramon here? I told you that he’s not safe with you.”
“Give me one good reason to trust you,” she said.
“I could, or I could remind you that you’re son was recently attacked,” I said, tilting my head.
“And I could remind you that you’re the person who attacked him.”
“That’s where you’re wrong. I saved him from Val!” I replied defensively.
“Oh so now shooting people with fire-darts is considered saving?!” she practically exploded.
“I don’t think you understand the gravity of this situation.”
“The only gravity I care about is the gravity that pulled my son down to the ground and left him unconscious! Oh wait a minute, that wasn’t gravity, that was you!” she shouted at me.
“Well I can assure you, being unconscious is a whole lot better than being dead! And that’s what Ramon would have been if he continued fighting Val! I stopped the fight!”
“And there isn’t any other way to do it?!”
“This is unbelieveable! Just let me talk to Ramon.”
“You can’t.”
“What? Why?”
“Don’t act like you don’t know what I’m talking about!" she accused me.
“I don’t,” I replied honestly.
“Don’t you see? Look around, Chi Chi. Do you see my son anywhere? No, you don’t, because he ran away and it’s all your fault!" she yelled, and then started to cry. I flinched.
“Fine then!” I yelled. “And to think I was going to help you.”
I stormed away, hoping that wherever I ended up, I wouldn’t have to face a life threatening battle which I seemed to always meet.
~Chapter 3~
Deal?-Chi Chi
It takes two sides to make a deal, two sides to negotiate and two sides to make it go bad.
-Gary Bettman
“You’re no match for me, Chi” Val said smiling.
“Don’t call me that.” I said poking my head out from behind a tree. With the risk of getting attacked at any moment, it helps not to be in the wide open.
“So be it. Why’d you call me here? You know I don’t have any business with you. Unless you attempt to impede my effort put into my plan of taking over the world, then I won’t harm you. Deal?”
“No.”
“No?”
“You heard me. I’m not making that deal again.”
“Do you care at all about your own life? Or our you concerned about Ramon? He can’t hide forever. Neither can you.”
“Val, you know what I’m capable of. You want me to make the deal so you can avoid fighting me. As for Ramon, you won’t tell him that he has magic powers because again, you want to avoid a fight. At the end end of the day, you’re a worthless, sorry excuse for a sorcerer.” I spat the words in her face.
“I’m shocked you think I’m such a coward. Now I’m giving you one last opportunity Chi Chi, take the deal.” Val said gritting her teeth.
“You don’t scare me. I'll fight you any day.”
“Oh I’d love to see you try.” she said shaking her head. Then she held out her hand like she was holding an apple out in front of her. She slowly turned her hand and forced me to the ground.
I tried to get up but she forced me back down.
“That wasn’t fair.” I said rolling and standing up.
“And neither is this I said reaching into the air and pulling out a cloud. I love that trick. I shot the cloud at her and she launched into a sneezing fit. Then I snapped my fingers and the cloud turned from pollen to knock out gas. Val toppled over. But before I could further show her just how incapable she was of beating me, I heard dogs. And even if it was Val, all sorcerers swore under an oath to protect one another from Landlord. Landlord’s dogs meant Landlord. We had to get away from here. So I picked up Val and rushed away. I’m not sure if she would do the same for me. Who am I kidding, of course she wouldn’t. But I have honor.
As I sat there with Val, I thought about when I first met Val……
“Hi. I’m Chi Chi.” I said holding out my hand.
“Unless you’re going to help me take over the world, then, I could care less.” she said eyeing my hand like it was covered in maggots.
“I’m not going to help you. But can we still be friends?” I asked.
Those were simpler times. Val and I were each 5. I hadn’t left for sorcerer school yet so I was just a regular girl, in regular school. Val was also, but she didn’t have any friends. After that conversation with her, I knew why.
~Chapter 4~
Without A Bad Guy-Ramon
Personally, I just tease people a lot.
-Alex Meraz
(Sigh) I’ve been waiting for Val for hours now. It’s been so long I carved my name in the bench I'm sitting on: Ramon Boxworth. Suddenly a light flickers in the church across the street. Curious, I stare where the light had come from. But I didn’t see anything so I looked away. Then I heard an evil cackle. I looked again and didn’t take my eyes off of it this time. Finally, after what seems like hours of me staring into the darkness, I hear a crack of lightning. It lights up the whole street and the church. For a split second I see an image. I got so scared I practically jumped 10 feet in the air. I told myself I could be imagining it but I knew I was wrong. She always made her entrances like this. She can't just walk up and say hi. Nope. She has to scare the heck out of you first. I laughed at that. Even walking up and saying hi is scary when it comes to Val. That girl could scare the Devil. Actually, her father might be the Devil himself. Then suddenly more lightning came. This time I jumped even higher than before. Her dark, green eyes were staring at me.
“Hello Ramon,” I heard her voice call me.
“H-how am I hearing you?” I stammered.
“I’m making you here me,” she answered creepily. I rammed into the double doors of the church trying to run with my wet pants. Her voice made me pee a little. I stopped. There stood Val standing high and mighty on the altar.
“Ramon, how nice of you to drop in and say hi.” She smiled at me.
“Well the skies darkened and I heard the devil screech in fright. Who other than you could be around?” I replied just as sweetly.
“Ah Ramon, you’re such a comedian.” Val’s smile grew as she laughed a fake laugh.
“Hey, you can tell yourself that if it helps you sleep at night.” I said laughing.
“Well you’re so weak that you certainly don’t keep me up.”
“Ah, yes, and if I ever couldn’t get to sleep then I might just invite you over to read me bedtime story, oh wait a minute! I can’t do that because you might attack me!”
“Well you know my motto, no story’s any good without a bad guy!”
“That’s literally the first time you’ve ever said that. And it’s not even catchy!”
“Get out."
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Alright.... What's going on? That is what was running through my head during your entire story. What is going on?
I'm sorry, but it's true. You're saying things and introducing characters without introduction or explanation. There is barely any description and absolutely no explanation. I'm sorry if I sound a bit harsh.
By chapter three, I was thinking "What's happening? What's going on? Who are these people?"
(Takes a deep breath) Sorry, I'm being a bit scatterbrained, aren't I? I'll slow down a bit.
You are moving waaaayyyy too fast. I mean really fast. I'm seeing so many opportunities for explanation and description. I'm getting told I need to slow down a lot lately (mainly because I'm transitioning from a bunch of different types of stories) and I'm starting to figure it out. It can be hard, so I'm going to offer oportunities:
Here is one of the spots where you could explain things. So why does your character think that? What evidence is there to prove this? What sort of backstory could be useful here? (Although this one is only a suggestion. It's a bit trickier for prologues.) What is the queen the queen of?
Here is also a part where you could describe. What is the setting? Where is this character presently (some conditions could apply)?
I'm just noticing this now, but you're kind of assuming that we know that this is their mother. You could do with a bit more explanation and maybe description.
Speaking of which, who is this character, anyway?
Uh, alright, what's going on? Your character is all of the sudden angry for what seems to be no reason. Sure, she's mad that their mother doesn't care, but now you're telling us that she steals and breaks the law... (You're not being precise enough on this one) But there's a logic flaw here: if she's the QUEEN, how is she breaking the LAW? Isn't she the law?
You're also jumping around a bit between the old idea (she doesn't care about anybody else's problems) and the new one (she's a criminal), which makes even less sense.
Isn't he mother the queen?
Just a suggestion, but if You're going to use quotes at the start of each chapter, put them in italics so we know that it isn't really part of your story.
1: Does Ramon have magical powers? If so, why isn't he using them?
2: What was she firing at him? Spears of ice? Lightning bolts? Lava? Rabid ducks?
3: Where the heck are they? You need to explain/describe where they are. You should probably specify after the first sentence.
4: At some point you should probably say why? Did Val steal his pizza or something?
Spoiler
Ramon and Val were fighting in the park yet again because Ramon had stolen Val's last slice of pizza. Val was at an advantage because she was furiously shooting ice spears at him. Because of this, Ramon was forced to do nothing but cower behind the populous trees and rocks.
Or something like that. Heh. ^.^
WHOA! SLOW DOWN A BIT!
1. What the heck is an Earth Mother? You CANNOT EVER assume that we know what this is because we don't. I'm not saying that you should explain what that is on the spot, I'm saying that you should explain what it is maybe a little bit later (so the reader thinks "Hmm.... What is that? I want to know what that is." and they keep reading) or remove the whole Earth Mother thing all together.
2. Why isn't she accustomed? To explain this, you could only two words.
Spoiler
3. Nope, no, no ellipses. No! You don't need those there. Just explain why right then and there. It doesn't need to be long (I don't recommend it that way), so just relax and insert a few sentences.
A backstory within a backstory? STOP RIGHT THERE! Hold your horses, dude, you don't need that line of dialogue. You've actually written this part of backstory nicely, but there are some tweaks to be made (like the line). Here is what it could look like:
I have no clue what is going on. I think it's part of your backstory (no backstory within a backstory, please), but you really should just cut this part out. We already get the point, so you don't need to say any more.
I'm lost. That is not a good sign.
1. At this point, I wasn't sure if you were talking about your character's hand or the Earth Mother's. Clarification please.
2. Why does your character need to use their signature trick? Is the fight getting ugly? (You know, by now I've already forgotten about that) If so, you need to explain why.
1. You've misspelled layed. It's supposed to be 'laid'.
2. You're assuming that we know that your character is using their powers. Is she feeling any sort of energy drain? I'd think so, so you should describe what she's doing and how she's feeling better.
3. Why are darts flying out of the fire? Are they flaming? What do they look like?
4. Now you're assuming that we know that your character can see Ramon. Where is your character, anyway?
5. I don't see what honor's got to do with it.
6. Seriously, by now we should know why she's so mad at him.
WHAT'S GOING ON?! At this time, I've got no idea. You're not establishing relationships with your characters at all and I don't fee attached to them.
I have beyond no clue what is happening. Where are they? What is going on? I assume this is after the fight, but that doesn't tell me anything.
I will act like that because I DON'T.
Why does your character think this. I have beyond no clue what is happening.
Who is Val, anyway. I would expect you to have told use who her and Ramon are by now, but I've got no clue. Where are you anyway?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
Everything after that is a mystery to me and everything refuses to make sense. You've got a good idea here, but there is a lot of work to be done. Remember that your reader doesn't know what's going on inside your head.
Farewell.
~Holographic Ladybug
You do a good job with dialogue, but what the heck is happening? there are spaces in between the chapters that a lot happens. Who is Val? Landlord? Everyone else? it is clear chi chi is royalty, as it says in the prologue, but what is the stuff about earth-mothers? Why do they get weird names? Who is her teacher, why do they faint from magic? you might want to change this to include more description. But try not to take this as completely negative, as all in all it was a good piece, just needs more description.
You do a good job with dialogue, but what the heck is happening? there are spaces in between the chapters that a lot happens. Who is Val? Landlord? Everyone else? it is clear chi chi is royalty, as it says in the prologue, but what is the stuff about earth-mothers? Why do they get weird names? Who is her teacher, why do they faint from magic? you might want to change this to include more description. But try not to take this as completely negative, as all in all it was a good piece, just needs more description.
Hi,
If you feel lacking points, you just could ask me. I could donate some, but I know reviewing is quite hard. At least, try.
That was short...
Anyway, I enjoy this...but I don't know how should I review this... (Guess, I'm still doing it.)
One by one... >_<
Prologue
This is the girl, Val, speaking, right? Okay. Interesting. However, the opening statement doesn't really add up to the story. Well, it may do, but I feel something wrong about it. No point in it changing anyway. This prologue does have this "medieval" feeling in it. I love how seeing Val's perceptive. It is so beautiful and cliffhanging; it makes me want to read the rest of the chapters.
However, you didn't really advancing the story here; maybe this is a prologue, but I think you should describe the setting or whatever. I only feel half of this story. I'm getting a feeling that this isn't enough. Try adding something other than this.
Overall, the prologue does sinking people into the story, but it is lacking something.
First Chapter
The opening statement doesn't work well. I don't really feel that is related to the chapter. By the way, chi actually means power or something like that. Good job choosing the name. And whoa! Magic? Slow it down! Give us some explanation because the world is confusing me now. You don't want us to end up in somewhere unknown, right?
I got nothing to say. This flows well, but IT DESPERATELY NEEDS SOME EXPLANATIONS, DESCRIPTIONS AND SLOWING DOWN! Otherwise, many would find this as plain and pain. You must somehow guide us.
I love the teaching part! It feels realistic.
Overall, it adds up somehow to the story. But with no good description, you will find out later that this would end up monochrome...
Chapter 2
Okay, I can see all the dialogues. They are doing good things about this story, but I found continuous dialogues would create confusion on readers. This happens because dialogues are powerful things. We must not overuse them. Put some distraction like DESCRIPTIONS to chill down.
Again, you're very fast. I like on how the story is fast-paced, but in your case, it is slightly bad fast-pacing story. Give some space.
Overall, I BARELY can understand your story. I just confused on many things that hopefully, you'll clear them up for me... such as, what is the point of all the dialogues here. I don't find your point. You're making many ambiguities now.
Chapter 3
Okay, now, Chi Chi, the character I think is the main character, is fighting Val over Ramon... You never said anything to clear thing up.
Without any clear reasons, fighting is just bunch of actions.
You might saying that maybe I missed something. But even if I missed something, I rarely miss something. Well, anyway, I like the flashback. It gives me a place to relax down. See on how creating a space for the readers to gather their information is crucial?
Overall, I just love the flashback... that's all.
Chapter 4
At last, some descriptions.
You're changing point of view again. Tis okay. I often do it. I love this chapter more than the others. And do you planned this as a script. I just got a feeling...
The dialogues too need some space. That's all.
Overall, nothing seemed out of ordinary.
****
Okay, this story has some potential. The world, the characters, the story, perhaps, are all good and just lacking many things that caused this story filled with confusions and all.
I'm stressing that you surely need some descriptions. I would love you to edit this again. However, do you think all the chapters are just short?
Don't! Don't! And don't do this kind of thing again. All five chapters in one post... That would get us, the reviewer, mad to you.
You have to plan again.
Keep writing!
~Memo
Spoiler
P/s: I just noticed your name got something to do with this story...