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दृष्‍टांत

by Vaibhav


वैसे तोह हमेशा सुन्दर द्रश्य तभी प्रस्तुत होता है जब सूरज अपनी बुलंदियों से उतर कर धरातल के स्तर पर आ जाता है पर इस बार कुछ अलग है

मै ऐसे ही अपनी गाड़ी पे सवार कुछ सोचते हुए जा रहा था तभी एक द्रश्य दिखा मुझे

एक आदमी कुछ सोचते हुए बिलकुल बदहवस सा सड़क के किनारे चलता जा रहा था

मैं अपनी गाड़ी धीरे कर उसका थोड़ी दूर तक पीछा किया

प्रतीत हो रहा था की दुनिया से सारे संबंध तोड़ कर अब अभीनन्ता की ओर चल पड़ा है

सूरज अपनी गर्मी पूरे जोरों से उसके उपर चमका रहा था ताकी शायद उसको पर्मातमा अपनी रोशनी से उसके दिमाग की रोशनी प्रज्वलित करा दें

कुछ और इंसान अपने हौर्न से अपनी स्तर की रोशनी से उसे परिचित करवाना चाह रहे थे

और लग नहीं रहा था की वो किसी अधुनिक साधनो को खरीदने का सामर्थ रखता था

परंतु अभिन्नता इतनी नरम नहीं की किसी को भी अपने भुक्त भोगियों से परिचित कराने का अवसर दे

ओर क्या ही कहें ! मैं भी शायद इस लायक ना था .

मैं भी चल पड़ा गति पे सवार इस दुनिया की करकष्ता को भूले अपनी ही बनाई एक दुनिया में 

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158 Reviews

Points: 6160
Reviews: 158

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Mon Jun 08, 2020 7:02 pm
Hkumar wrote a review...



Hi Vaibhav!

It was a short but really interesting piece because of the randomness and the mysterious way that you presented it. It felt as if it has been taken from some incident encountered when someone is on their way who takes a small pause just to analyse what's happening. But later like most of the people ignores and continues to go on their way.
I liked the fact that you kept a vague description of things happening around and let the reader use their own imagination of what could that man possibly be thinking or going through.

सूरज अपनी गर्मी पूरे जोरों से उसके उपर चमका रहा था ताकी शायद उसको पर्मातमा अपनी रोशनी से उसके दिमाग की रोशनी प्रज्वलित करा दें

I liked this line how you used sun's heat to say that God is trying to bring light into his dark and dull mind and show him the right path.
As for the critique, just like the previous reviewer mentioned you must add punctuations in order to maintain the flow. The few spelling mistakes have already pointed by Traves so there's no point in mentioning them again.
Overall I liked your short story and felt intrigued by it. It's nice to see people posting in Hindi. Great work!
Keep writing :D




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66 Reviews

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Sat Jun 06, 2020 5:19 pm
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Starve wrote a review...



Hello @Vaibhav ! Traves here for a quick review.

Straight off the bat, this is a bit tough to read. The reason being that you have not separated all the words into sentences and paragraphs in all of the places. The other being the spelling mistakes.
So I tried to use http://www.stars21.com/spelling/hindi_s ... ecker.html to correct the relevant spellings, and to get on with the reviewing! I do suggest googling to find better tools. It's still nice to see a work in pure hindi, and I suggest using an online spelling and grammar checker. I did correct spelling and grammar to the best of my abilities.

वैसे तो हमेशा सुन्दर दृश्य तभी प्रस्तुत होता है जब सूरज अपनी बुलंदियों से उतर कर धरातल के स्तर पर आ जाता है पर इस बार कुछ अलग है|
मैं ऐसे ही अपनी गाड़ी पे सवार कुछ सोचते हुए जा रहा था तभी एक दृश्य दिखा मुझे |
एक आदमी कुछ सोचते हुए बिलकुल बदहवास सा सड़क के किनारे चलता जा रहा था |
मैंने अपनी गाड़ी धीरे कर उसका थोड़ी दूर तक पीछा किया|
प्रतीत हो रहा था की दुनिया से सारे संबंध तोड़ कर अब अभिन्नता की ओर चल पड़ा है|
सूरज अपनी गर्मी पूरे जोरों से उसके उपर चमका रहा था ताकि शायद परमात्मा अपनी रोशनी से उसके दिमाग की रोशनी प्रज्वलित करा दें|
कुछ और इंसान अपने हौर्न से अपनी स्तर की रोशनी से उसे परिचित करवाना चाह रहे थे|
और लग नहीं रहा था की वो किसी आधुनिक साधनों को खरीदने का सामर्थ्य रखता था |
परंतु अभिन्नता इतनी नरम नहीं की किसी को भी अपने भुक्त भोगियों से परिचित कराने का अवसर दे|
ओर क्या ही कहें ! मैं भी शायद इस लायक ना था.
मैं भी चल पड़ा गति पे सवार इस दुनिया की कर्कशता को भूले अपनी ही बनाई एक दुनिया में|


So this is more of a single moment, paused view type of flash fiction. I liked the whimsical tone of it. The "अभिन्नता " presented here felt not only like an enigmatic indifference but somewhat serene and resigned too. This was your strongest point. You picked one not too simplistic and not too opaque trait and built a character and a scene around it.

The supporting imagery too helps. Although, I felt that it was a bit conflicting that in the first line you talk of the sun descending to "धरातल " which means it's either dawn or dusk. (Dusk being more likely in my interpretation since it's often used with tired/resigned imagery and thought compared to the more hopeful dawn.) And later you talk of how the hot sun is directly overhead. That was a bit confusing. But if I ignore that and go along with the dusk metaphor, it worked surprisingly well.

I think you have show-not-tell down pat, but building upon this scene, either by fitting in a larger story, or more conflict towards the resolution at the end, would make it a more interesting read. The current resolution goes "Ahh well, I don't understand him. Let's move on" a bit too quickly for me.
Here's a useful link about the 8 point story arc --> https://www.dailywritingtips.com/how-to ... point-arc/

I think it'll be useful in structuring your stories.
All in all, this bordered more on poetry and less on a story for me. Maybe even prose poetry ?(https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Prose_poetry)

If you tighten up your punctuation, and how to divide your paragraphs, I think it'll improve the story-like characteristics of this work. There are plenty of writing tutorials which will help you with this in the YWS forums (viewforum.php?f=151)
(viewforum.php?f=150).
Majority of them are applicable to hindi too.

Keep writing and sharing!




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36 Reviews

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Thu Jun 04, 2020 6:41 am
mememimer says...



Hi, welcome to YWS
आपने अच्छा लिखा है!

Well written! You have brought a short story that is really powerful by just observing things in the course of your everyday life. I'm impressed by your way of thinking.





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