Published February 25, 2009
It's Breaking Me
Memories flash through my head in a blur
While hurt fills my broken heart
Tears stream down my forlorn face
And depression is slowly wearing my body down
How can life go on
When all you do is think about the past
And how you wish the love you thought was real
Would've turned into the love that is forever
I want to forget it ever happened
Ignore the feelings I felt
Make my life normal again
And be the person I was before you
I fake a smile and a laugh
But deep inside it's breaking me
I know time will heal it
But how much time can I make it through
Before it finally consumes me?
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141,368 Literary Works • 674,383 Reviews
This is good, but it reads more like a song than a poem.
Perhaps if you added more unique imagery and avoid using clichés then this piece would shape into a lovely poem. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying it’s bad, it just needs a bit of tweaking.
I agree with the others about the rhythm of the piece. This is the sort of thing I'd enjoy reading even more if it flowed better. Try setting the rhythm by counting the syllables. For example, 7 syllables in the first line, 9 in the second, 7 again in the third... and so on.
This piece has a lot of potential; it just needs a little more technicality.
Hi VUZFEK! June here =}
So! This is quite an emotional poem. I assume it's based on a heartbreak?
I think that this stanza can use punctuation, dear. Simple does it; comma, semicolon, comma, period.
The last line here drags. The above lines are medium-length, not long, and not short, but when we come to this, it's a change.
To keep the flow consistent, you can easily change this to:
As depression wears my body down.
See? The same meaning, only shorter and more concise.
If you raise a question, dear, by using how, when, what, where, why etc. It should be followed by a question mark somewhere in the line.
Also! The first line of this stanza sounds a little short compared to the previous and the following lines. Maybe if you add something like, "I don't see how life can go on..." to this, then you would keep up the consistent flow of line length and such.
A lot of poets commonly disagree with the usage of "And" when unnecessary in poetry, especially if it begins a line. Is there a substitute you can find, dear?
And, remember your punctuation, dear
Hm, coming to this from the above, it's rather vague. You're not providing us with much to base this upon, not giving us much to visualize-- We need to be able to either relate to this, or be able to sympathize with you. Give us a little more detail, dear!
Remember punctuation!
This first line here feels a little empty. The power of "fake" just isn't enough to include laugh; Maybe, I fake a smile, and forge a laugh.
Something more like that to carry a consistent, full meaning, dear.
*
Overall, this poem was good. The emotion in some spots was a bit weaker than others, but you managed to carry a sufficient rhyme throughout the poem.
Keep it up!
June
I loved it!
there is a character in a book that i am writing, and his emotions are parallel to the ones expressed throughout your poem. I would say more about your poem, but they caught pretty much everything.
The last 3 lines are my favorite! :)
keep up the good work.
xoxo,
threm
I loved it. It is one of those poems that expresses how I feel. It was amazing.
I loved the ending. It looks like all that I caught has already been mentioned. I really enjoyed reading this especially because I just had my heart broken and feel the exact same. Great job keep writing!!!
I think I know exactly what is going on in this story. I feel like that sometimes. Sometimes I don't know if I'll make it through to another day, but something always keeps me moving on. I think I know what it is, but i'm not quite shure.
With the exception of the 1st part of the 3rd line, most of this was filler and I could detect no imagery. Memories flashing is cliched and that's never a good way to start a poem; how do the memories flash? Like dolphins in the Pacific skipping water? Or something darker; bullets on fire speeding through the night?
Similarly, what can you tell us about your broken heart, your forlorn face, and the vague depression? If not painting a picture for us, then describe it so that the reader can relate and say "Yes, I see it clearly in my mind". Go over each of those semi-descriptions you have currently with the same questions as I asked you about the memories.
Why exactly can't life go on? I think what you're trying to say is that life won't go on the best as possible. If that's the case, then make that clear.
This does not make sense. You seem to be implying that reality is not equal to eternity, which is acceptable, but you don't do anything further the poem; you don't use it anywhere else nor do you expand on it. It's a theme, maybe even a good one if you worked it into the piece, but right now it seems to me like it's floating without a home.
You do give us a little more of the story, and by that I mean a very little amount of explanation. I understood that you were talking to another person who made you feel this way - who is it? Unless you can tell us what this is even about, there's no way for us to feel emotions. People, after all, need a visual or some concrete idea for them to attach their emotions onto something. I don't see that happening here, so in these two paragraphs, give us some more information. Warning: make it poetic, though, and don't take my words so literally that you simply "tell" us. Give it to us in lyrical melody of words, in analogies, in metaphors, in pure imagery.
Hope that helped.
Hey there! Welcome to YWS!
I'll review this lovely piece to you.
AS someone has mentioned these lines are good, but they don't really connect.
Use and, but, and those kind of words. Punctuation alert! Punctuation is desperately needed on this stanza. Many people make the mistake of thinking that poetry doesn't need punctuation. Well, they're wrong. My opinions about that are in bold. Even thought the usual placement of a four line stanza are these:
,
;
,
.
I thought those would play out nicely.
So, not every line has to be capitalized, just to clear that up for you. Again, my thought about the punctuation are in bold. The first line is a bit... boring. In the way that it's common. Maybe reword it.
I love the last line
Not sure about these two semi-colons.
The forth line sounds awkward. Try to reword it like: but how much time can I handle, or survive. Something like that.
Rhyming: There isn't any that I noticed. Rhyming isn't obligated in a poem, but not only make sit sound much better, but it also makes it more fun to read.
That's all I have to say. Hope I helped
*Kat*
P.S: PM me if you need anything!
It's a lovely poem, but I do have a few problems with it.
I like how you mix up 3 and 4 verse stanzas, but your rythmn is off.
Also, it feels like your introducing too many feelings, but not enough information.
Overall, very nice job.
The premise was good, and it has good potential.
I like it.
altogether its a good piece. just add more detail, because you leave the reader with some questions.