z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Revolution

by Utopia


Sometimes we think we are taking a turn for the worst in our lives. Let me tell you that absolutely everything happens for a reason, and a turn for the worst could be the best thing that could ever happen. –The white Giraffe, Lauren St. John

It was my fault. I shouldn’t have tried to be like them. It was supposed to be the best day of my life. I’m Aura that means the Northern Lights. I was always following the most popular girls at school, never being myself, when one day it went too far.

‘It was a dark and stormy night. They were all alone,’’ uttered Britney.

We were all alone at my house on my birthday. All the girls I had invited insisted that my party should be spooky themed. Earlier on that day, mum had been serving the girls and I as if we were superstars. My mum is a chef and works in a gigantic bakery making cakes for the Boarding School of High Standards, occasionally shoving the odd cake slice into her own mouth. She had made a feast of jam and blueberry doughnuts, owl cupcakes and gigantic triple layered cream cakes with my name iced on top. All the food was blue, red and purple themed, the colour of the northern lights.

Not much had been eaten with all the girls fretting about their diets, even though we were all only twelve. I had felt guilty at the look on mum’s face when all the girls turned down seconds, but never would I mess up in front of the girls. At school they called us the three P’s for the three pains. It’s always Britney, Lily and me. I’m always afraid that I won’t be a part of the group because of my wild complexion. I have long blonde hair that I have never cut and light-green eyes that make me look like an alien. My glare freaks people out so I was extremely lucky to be popular, so I wasn’t going to let this chance pass me by. Being an outcast was my worst fear.

At that moment, Brittney and Lily had persuaded me to turn all the lights out in the house so we were in complete darkness except for the light of our torches, like eyes in a haunted forest. We were telling spooky stories. Mum had left, leaving the girls and I in private.

‘Right then, Aura turn off your torch!’’, chanted Lily and Brittany.

‘But my torch is the only one left on!’’

‘What? You chicken?’’ Lily asked with a grin on her face.

‘No,’’ I turned mine off.

‘Close your eyes and count to ten, then try to find us!’’

‘In the dark?’’ I asked.

‘Yep!’’ cried Brittany, grabbing my torch and switching it off.

‘Do I really have to do this?’’ my voice was but a scared whisper.

‘Yes!’’ called Lily, her voice already a room away from me.

I closed my eyes tight and started counting. I was scared of the dark secretly, but when I closed my eyes, the darkness of my mind was more reassuring than the darkness all around me. With every number I would open my eyes a little to check the girls weren’t just going to leap out at me, but all I saw was darkness.

‘Ten. Ready or not I’m coming to look for you!’’ I opened my eyes and stepped into the next room, my room. I breathed in my fairy perfume and continued to walk, my arms outstretched before me like a blind man with a walking-stick. My hands touched a smooth surface that must have been my blue-starlight walls. My mind made up a picture of where I must be. I was probably next to my purple bed. On the other side of me would be my display case, with all my dolls from every year of my life. There was my baby doll, from my first year, a Winx doll from the year when I was crazy about them, and of course my fashion doll representing this year. One of the reasons we did makeovers in the guest bedroom, was because I would die if the girls saw my collection.

‘Lily? Brittany!’’ I called. I figured they would let me have a clue as to where they were, but there was no reply. Suddenly, I heard the door close with a bang. That was their clue, they were down stairs! I got on my hands and knees and went down stairs on my bottom, feeling my way down every step.

Out of the corner of my eye, I caught a glimpse of a light still on. It was coming from the window! I scrabbled back up a couple of stairs to look out of the window. The light was coming from a torch! In the faint glow of the light, I caught a glimpse of red-dyed hair! Nobody in the entire of London out this late had red hair, except Lily.

She really had gone outside! I bet in a couple of minutes she’ll come running back, trying to scare me. I could hear little chuckles now. They really must of thought, I was some kind of three-year old to fall for their silly hide and seek surprise! Tell you what, I’d give them a surprise by locking the door on them!

Once I had finished my deed, I ran into the living room to switch on the lights.

‘Shadow,’’ whispered a voice.

‘Oh, Brittany thank goodness it’s you! Did you know Lily is hiding outside? She thinks that she can… Uh, Brittany?’’ I asked.

‘Shadow,’’ repeated the voice.

‘Oh, Brittany you’re not trying to scare me too are you? I know it’s you!’’

‘Maid. Scared.’’

‘Oh please let it be you Brittany!’’ I was trying to hide the scared hint in my voice, but it was obvious it was showing. ‘Brittany?’’ the last thing I saw was a flash of light.


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Wed Nov 19, 2014 9:30 pm
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Lovetswift1300 wrote a review...



Very creepy story and suspenseful. I enjoyed how you put a twist on a normal childhood game and made a situation in which the popularity if a group of people play a big role. Also, I like how you used the phrase, It was a dark and stormy night, in a story that was not about Halloween or anything having to do with Halloween.
That being said, I think that the characters, especially the main character need a bit more developing. Was their ever a time when she was not so popular? What previous events in her life added an urge for popularity? Why do they carry a torch? All of these questions were left unanswered which makes me think, although there are always unanswered questions in a book I think this story deserves either a bit more development or a sequel.
Overall a great story but with a bit more development it could become an amazing one.




Utopia says...


I have written more but under a new name. If you read my story Redwing, you will find this woven into it and the characters a little bit more developed.



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Sun Dec 29, 2013 5:26 am
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KilljoyRetardedFish wrote a review...



I have to admit, for an 11 year old, this is great writing. I know for sure that I would not have been able to write like this when I was your age.

That said, I have to start my review by pointing out small errors. Did you edit immediately after writing? If so, a great bit of advice I got a while ago would be to just save your completed work and forget about it for two weeks. It clears up your mind and you'll be able to catch errors like these:

"I’m Aura that means the Northern Lights." This sentence could be fixed by saying, "I'm Aura, named after the Northern Lights." It's a bit awkward, so even switching up the words would make it sound a bit better.

‘It was a dark and stormy night. They were all alone,’’ uttered Britney. Umm, what? When did Britney say this? Don't take it out, it adds to foreboding, but is it while they're eating, do they all have their torches lit...? A little clarification would work wonders here.

"Mum had left, leaving the girls and I in private." This part needs me, not I. If you're having trouble remembering when to use me or I, just take out the other noun, in this case 'girls' so it reads leaving __ in private. Sounds better with me, right?

" ‘Right then, Aura turn off your torch!’’, chanted Lily and Brittany. " Okay, here is a part for me to sound very ignorant, but I have to ask. In Britain, or wherever you're from (I can tell due to the spelling of colour and such) is it normal to use an apostrophe and then a quotation mark to write dialogue? If so forgive my ignorance, but if not, then it should be "(dialogue here)". The comma after the quotation mark isn't needed.

"It was coming from the window! I scrabbled back up a couple of stairs to look out of the window. The light was coming from a torch! In the faint glow of the light, I caught a glimpse of red-dyed hair!" Perhaps right now it's okay to still do this, given your age, but notice that most spectacular writing uses diction manipulation to keep the reader frightened and engaged. Since this piece is pretty great already, I have no doubt you'll understand what I mean when you have a year or two more writing.

Okay, so the ending was a tad confusing, but it was good up to that point. Overall, this story was good. I'm impressed with your skill so far, and I have no doubts in my mind that you have the potential to be a great writer, so keep writing! You got me interested. Sorry if my review seems a little brutal, I mean no harm or insult.




Utopia says...


I know it's a little late, but thank you for your review. I'm changing the mistakes and checking my grammar. The ending was a mistake, it was supposed to end at the light part. No harm done! Your review has helped me alot.



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Sat Dec 14, 2013 11:16 pm
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Cheetah wrote a review...



Heya, Cheetah here to review your story!

Wow, that was creepy. I forgot to read the tags and thought it was just a short story so the ending was a twist for me! Very well done. I liked the way you described Aura's thinking, how she was scared of not fitting it.

I only spotted one nit-picky error:

They really must of thought, I was some kind of three-year old to fall for their silly hide and seek surprise!

I believe here you meant 'must have' rather than 'must of'. ;)

Overall:
All the girls I had invited insisted that my party should be spooky themed.

Here you say 'all the girls' but later you said it was just Lily, Brittany, and Aura. Perhaps you could say 'The girls I had invited' because two people aren't usually referred to as 'all'.

I was a bit confused about the ending. Was it Brittany? If not, then what did the person(?) that was talking look like? And why did she see a flash of light?

This was really good! I definitely liked it as a whole and there weren't really any plot holes. Good job and keep writing! :D




Utopia says...


Thank you for your review. I think I might extend my story to answer your questions.



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Sat Dec 14, 2013 9:21 pm
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Tay17 says...



:) My type of writer, You should definitely write more to this. I liked it :)




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Sat Dec 14, 2013 9:02 pm
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deleted30 wrote a review...



Welcome to YWS! Lucrezia here to review.

Okay, so I'm a little confused. What's up with the ending? "Wherever I was, it was nature friendly. Every item seemed to be made of…" I don't get it. Seemed to be made of what?? And also, what's up with the random word, "Nutrilia"? Does that mean something that I missed?

I was actually enjoying this until the end. Now I'm left in a puddle of confusion, for lack of a better term… :P

That said, this is great for an 11-year-old. I assumed you were older as I was reading this and I'm still surprised by your age.

There were a few nitpicks that I'll point out: "I’m Aura that means the Northern Lights." This was a bit jarring and sudden.

It would've sounded better if you wrote it as, "I'm Aura. That means the Northern Lights." A period can make all the difference. Or, you could've left out the Northern Lights bit entirely. It's really not necessary in the context of this story.

"‘It was a dark and stormy night. They were all alone,’’ uttered Britney."

I think that would've looked better if you wrote Britney's dialogue in italics.

"At school they called us the three P’s for the three pains."

I think "the three Ps" should be written as, "The Three Ps." It looks more official if the beginning letter of each word is capitalized. Also, no need for the apostrophe after the P.

"‘Right then, Aura turn off your torch!’’, chanted Lily and Brittany."

I don't think they should both say that. It would make more sense if it was just one or the other, and why are they chanting just to tell her to turn her torch off?

Other than those little bugs, I thought this was good and has a lot of potential. Keep working on that ending! ;)




Utopia says...


Thank you for the review. Sorry about the ending, it was a technical problem and shouldn't be there.


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deleted30 says...


Ah, that makes sense. Sorry, I should've put that together! Yeah, this ending is nice and creepy. I was thinking when I was reading the "fake ending" that you should've ended at the light part. Nice work. :)




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