Young Writers Society

In response to the generalized, snarky, milk-and-honey Astrology memes which plague the internet: I've taken the labor of writing a horoscope which reflects a more accurate portrayal of the Sun Signs and their characteristics.

Aries

Being the first in the Zodiac and the top of the wheel, your assigned "ruling body part" is the head. Unfortunately, one of your secret struggles is learning how to use it in a way that doesn't involve headbutting mountainsides like a rabid Ram. Financial worries come and go, but if you learned to be a little more parsimonious you wouldn't experience half of them. Patience is key, Rome wasn't built in a day, and your soul is still adapting to its human form. Blah, blah, blah. You're probably the type to punch the wall in a rage, and then punch it again because it broke your hand. Simmer down and protect your skull, ya dumbass hothead.

Please don't lock horns with me and stomp my ass off a cliff.

Taurus

Your generally grounded practicality-streak may be going through a rough patch as of late. This is most likely due to your flakiness, changeability, and moodiness. Your Bull-influenced demeanor often prompts you to charge into situations without regard for what's being trampled in the process. It's like looking at the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel through a telescope, then getting frustrated because you can't make sense of it. In short, stop seeing red and look at the bigger picture. Oh, and stop making so many excuses for things. The thing about Bulls is that they produce Bullshit. So work on that.

Please don't kick me in the face with your hind hooves.

Gemini

Your communication-skills are rivaled only by your standoffishness; your wit by your ignorance; your pleasure by your pain; your faith by your scorn; your tolerance by your judgment; and your love by your loathing. If your life feels like a perpetual balancing act, that's just the Twins working their magic. Unfortunately, conventional newspaper-astrology never mentions that the Twins are conjoined. The key to harmonizing your dichotomous disposition may be found in severing them apart and letting the weaker side die off. Stop crying for attention and validation: start commanding it. In short, get a scalpel for your soul and start slicing like some sort of pseudo-spiritual surgeon.

Please don't jump me and turn it into some sort of entertaining competition or amusing game.

Cancer

Homesickness is a healthy emotion in short bursts. Unceasing nostalgia, however, is guaranteed to end in depression and disappointment. The past's past has passed. Those who have cracked through your Crustacean shell will always have a place within it, despite whether or not they're still around. Regardless of what your oceanic emotions may dictate, you affect others just as deeply as they affect you. If you're being haunted by faces of the past; understand that, to them, you're also a haunting face of the past. Reach out and reconcile if possible. Or just get over it and stop being a dick. Or just kill the fuckers for crossing you. All are viable options when you're a moon-ruled Crab. Ride the wave, hit the shore, and get far enough to avoid the receding tide.

Please don't boil me in a pot until my skin screams and dip me in butter.

Leo

Self-preservation and selfishness are really two different things. You normally display the latter, although you combine your sense of exuberance and go-getter attitude to distract yourself from this. King of the jungle, right? I see through your thin veil of majestic shit (Sorry, that’s being biased. My Aquarian side broke through for a second). Unfortunately, all is not well on the plains. Your pride/coalition is slowly realizing that although they're fed, you always keep a little more for yourself. Perhaps start practicing a little humility and self-restraint before you lose everything you love. Or, alternatively, keep on being the prick in your own paw and deservedly lose your throne.

Please don't pounce on me, eat my neck, and then make me look like the bad guy.

Virgo Your obsessive attention to detail and compulsive need for organization is counteractive to your scattered thoughts and worrisome ways. You try to look ahead for everything and hedge your bets as best as you can. This is kind of stupid, considering that you can never decide what to eat for breakfast, let alone remember what you’ve eaten for breakfast. Every branch-of-consequence and stream-of-consciousness is available to you. This constant foresight curbs your will to act and makes for shitty relationships, as it turns you prudent and anxious. I'd recommend smoking a joint and giving head once or twice in your life, but that'd probably result in a panic attack. So I dunno. Your kind is impossible to advise. Try yoga or something.

Please don't lead me on only to show me your promise ring and reveal that you're an uninitiated virgin.

Libra

Your life's work is balance, hence your representation of the Scales. Good or bad, strong or weak, holy or wicked, you dare to question: "Why 'or?' and not 'and?' You delightfully dibble-dabble in every kind of duality you can get you grubby, little hands on. This apparently universal openness, however, is merely a mask to conceal your fear of losing control. Duality without differentiation can be dangerous. Gossip is not knowledge and chatter is not conversation. You probably also have a great desire for an ability you'll never possess. Stop focusing on what will never be, and start weighing what you've already got. Or just learn how to practice things without expecting instantaneous mastery. Set low standards so you're never disappointed. Superficial charm and over-analyzation will only work for so long.

Please don't crush me with a set of Scales and use your overwhelming personality to keep me on the lower end of things.

Scorpio

A single drop of alcohol upon a scorpion's back is rumored to induce a frenzy, which ultimately results in suicide via stinger. Whether or not this is true for arachnids is irrelevant: it's definitely true in your case. Although in your case, "alcohol" can be symbolic for any kind of excess, which you go to great lengths to avoid. On top of that, you're a huge pervert. But, simultaneously, you may not really care for sex. Essentially, you're a mindfuck to yourself and everybody else. Your desire for pleasure clashes with your fear of vice. Your emotions view addiction as a slow, deliberate suicide, and the ultimate weakness. Moderation is the key to your life's enjoyment, although I'd recommend more promiscuous sex. Granted, that's more for my benefit though (you seem like a fun bunch), so do what you will.

Please don't crawl in my mouth while I'm sleeping in the desert; stab the inside of my throat; and proceed to spend the next six months eating my sun-dried corpse, you magnificent monster.

Sagittarius

Your burning breadth of insight and idealism is hindered by your proneness to boredom and hatred of routine. You view commitment as glorified slavery and there are always a thousand reasons not to do something. The biggest reason, usually, is that you simply don't want to. You would rather stay inside your head and close the blinds, as your mind is your solace. "Minimum effort for maximum results" is your personal dictum, and you apply it with stunning effectiveness. However, that fiery hunger deep in your stomach will never be truly satisfied if you permanently abide to this philosophy. Motion is required for collision. The arrow never lands if it doesn't soar, and never soars if the bow isn't drawn. Or, you can just up your odds by not being a hipster, joining the rest of us in the modern world, and using a bolt-action crossbow instead.

Please don't shoot me with arrows that don't exist because you're an imaginative centaur.

Capricorn

You're often quick to pat your own back when it comes to your steadfastness, self-discipline, and iron-will. However, you often overlook that these qualities come at the price of callousness, stubbornness, shortsightedness, and humorlessness. The Capricorn is symbolized by the water-goat, but is an Earth sign. This seemingly curious combination of factors is its own irony: A water-goat on land. Seriously, what the hell is that? It's completely impractical, illogical, inconsistent, and even humorous. Not at all like you. Lighten up and laugh at yourself every once in a while, ya smug douche.

Please don't punch me with your front hooves while slapping me with your fish tail while we're on land.

Aquarius

For the most part, you're a friggin' lunatic. Your friendliness is an okay trait, but you only possess it because you're so fucking weird. If you didn't take the initiative in social situations, nobody would approach you because you have the tact of a serial killer. Those semi-fortunate enough to cross paths with you never really know where they stand: You're everybody's best friend but nobody is really yours. And intimate relationships? Forget about it. You're too busy force-pouring the Water of Knowledge down everybody's throats. Why focus on one significant-other, when everyone in the whole world is part of the team? I'd make a recommendation for you, but we both know that you wouldn't listen. This can be attributed to your annoying need for individuality and free-thinking, which doesn't involve being open to other people's opinions/knowledge.

Please don't waterboard me, Waterbearer.

Pisces

Finally, the end! The mystical, magical, impressionable, and rather thoughtless Pisces! Being at the end of the cycle, your keen intuition acts as the delta of the ethereal ocean you're symbolically swimming into. Your gut instincts are often spot on; you've probably seen the future on occasion; and you might've been described as being an old soul. Unfortunately, this makes you prone to addiction. In addition to addictive tendencies, you're a constant daydreamer who's often incapable of stringing together two coherent thoughts. Your wisdom is 100, but your ability to translate it is, like, 10. You're also an anticlimactic ending for the Cycle of the Soul. All you really do is sleep, wallow, and impatiently anticipate death.

Please don't splash me to death, 69-looking Fishperson.

There ya have it, folks. Hope it helps. Tune in next week and join me as I rip the Chinese Zodiac a new asshole.