Published April 21, 2011
We sat in an antique room
drinking tea from a new old
china set,
everything collected
things bought in their collections
for collection
Archaic paintings called 'Classics'
and music played known as
'Classical'
Everything was oddly old
We sat on refined mahogany
with every piece a tale
and our host an ageing man
who was much like what he owned,
He chattered and entertained in
his museum home,
'Look at this'
'Look at that'
Each from each century
I looked at the owner
more than his obsessions
his greying eyes all to match his
grey suit
And then I think
When time rolls on
who would be there to
refine him?
Polish him?
Treasure him?
And call him a 'Classic'
And every word he utters
dub 'Classical'?
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I think you need to think about pacing, how the words flow with the relation to your subject matter. You could take it in different directions, kind of make it like droopy, almost prosaic verse, which could reflect the hoarded treasures, the myriad of stories can be diverted into, and the languid, preserved atmosphere in general. You could also think about more formal structure, stemming from the ideas of classicism, the architecture for example. Classicism has a lot to do with structure, balance and design. You could also look at poetry from Ancient Greece, Sappho might me an interesting influence, she is considered by some to be the first modern poet, using free verse and enjambment more than two and a half thousand years ago. I understand the distance between the narrator and the subject, and its importance, but I still think the tenants of his obsessions ticking away would add another depth to this work.'
I get the 7/7 syllable balance, but no, 'new old china set' needs to be together. If you're going to use paradoxical adjectives, they're going to need the subject there or it will fall apart.
I'm not sure repetition is necessarily as effective as observations would be. Give us details, here would be a good place for sense imagery, the smell of the polish, the dust. What does he use to 'collect' them? How are they placed? Are they kind of hodgepodge, almost too many for the room, or is each distinct piece distinct, with its own personal space and lighting? Likewise the linebreaks don't quite make sense to me, it's fragmented for fragmentation's sake. If you read it aloud, the way you say it should be the way it's on the page.
'Classical' is hundreds of years of stuff. You may want to add more details of what these 'Classical' things are, and how they are 'oddly odd'. What puts it at odds with the narrator? You have put across a kind of hesitance, an awkward atmosphere, using contradictions, "new old" was good, you can extend the poetic techniques to further this. How can you make the words sound uncomfortable with one another, to make it not fit? You could maybe even have like a snippet of something rigorously structured, a strong iambic foot with a rhyming couplet, going against the earnest free verse, juxtapose the man with the narrator in the styles maybe.
This is more precise, I like the detail of the mahogany. The narrator is losing focus, the man is kind of background noise, they are observing him as an object almost, 'chattered and entertained', could be used to describe monkeys, which makes sense they really are different species the two of them. Maybe the loss of focus could be emphasized by moving from the exact to the ambiguous, take something exactly the man is saying about the furnature and then it just kind of blurs into Look at this, look at that.
Yeah, the narrator seems to see him less a man than some kind of elephant. They're going David Attenborough on him, "Sadly these ancient and noble creatures now number less than one hundred".
The moral of the story. It might be fun to experiment with different ways you can show it rather than saying it. Like having the narrator daydream about him in a museum case.
What attracted me to this poem is it does seem to be based on observation, which inevitably creates a stronger image, be proud. It just needs refining now.
Loved the poem!
You used "each" twice here, so perhaps change the second one the "another".The story was great, and you had some really good imagery. It was easy to see what was happening. I liked the way you rhymned some parts. I also liked the words you used, I found them to be unique. I just have two minor suggestions:
I think you should break these two parts up, or even just add a period after "old".
Overall, amazing poem! You have some great talent
great! this is an amazing work of poetry ...i really like the feel of it...i can totally imagine it...in my mind! brilliant just brilliant!