Published March 2, 2011
In your arms
Big and strong
I find solace
Yes in your
Masculine embrace
Right in the comfort
Of your firm chest.
It’s your warm touch
As you hold me close,
In this I find
My peace of mind
Where pleasure
Meets the end of time.
When all is wrong
And there’s no sense
In this cold world
I know sorrow will
Cease to exist
Once I’m safely
Tucked in my place
Of bliss,
Caved in sweet euphoria.
Nostalgia when you are away
Gets the very best of me
Reminiscing of who I’m missing
Satisfied only when you’re in my vision
And
I’m back where I belong
In your arms big and strong.
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That said, I have to give in on the 'awkward' objection. In places it feels like just a little too much information (I do this all the time; it's so hard to describe happiness and love without sounding gushy!) For example, while I like the echo in that last line, 'big and strong' arms is a little O.o. It doesn't detract from the poem, though--the chest does take a little away for me. I don't know why; describing a guy's chest tanks a little. Shoulders and hands I like, arms can be good, I can even deal with necks sometimes, but chests make me uncomfortable.
Well, that's probably me being weird. I love that line about being tucked in your place...tucked in has such a cosy, warm, safe feeling to it! Actually, I like the third verse in general.
Hello!
I find this to be far too narrative. Too declarative. The problem is, the line breaks seem arbritary and irrelevant - it seems as though to were just trying to write a poem from a block of text, so hit enter a few times. Of course, poetry's quote a bit more than that.
That ties in with my second point - boring, boring, boring! Use more interesting vocabulary. Don't be pretentious about it, though - just think about different ways of saying things. It will at least give a more original and imaginative feeling to the poem. For instance, I really like "caved in sweet euphoria" but "gets the very best of me" isn't particularly economical. It's too monosyllabic. That's not always a bad thing, of course, but in this case it just feels ranty.
So! If you want my opinion, have another go at this. Really pick out the theme that you want to express, and throw down all the ideas about that subject that you can think of. Then write the poem. I'm sure that'll help a little. =)
Let me know if revise this!
-Mark
Masculine embrace sounds acward, you may what to change that, otherwise wow. You took such a simple subject and made it sound so amazing.