Young Writers Society

Yes, like Rieda says, punctuate!

The poem, like your last one, just tells. You have to do more than tell in a poem. You have to show, paint a picture, give us something. When I read a poem I want to feel or have a thought, and I got nothing from this.

Really, I only can suggest you to put down the pen, and pick up a book. Read poetry, read books about how to write poetry, read books about imagery, symbolism, metaphor, all of it, and then start writing again. You're young, yes? (I believe your age is faux? ^_~) The best thing you can do is read. You can keep working, true, but you need to see how it works before you'll learn how to work it yourself.

Best of luck.

Uo wrote:As I sit and think about my life,
I think about how many lives I’ve ruined,
how I filled them with pure strife,
and don’t know why they didn’t make me excluded.

**Okay, I added the puntuation here. Also, I made the words after that lower case so that it's all in the right format. Here, I think the words need to be a bit stronger ie. "strife" "ruined" are overused and there are far better words to use. Also, "and don't knw why they didn't make me excluded" doesn't sond right. Try "and don't know why they didn't exclude me."

I think about my childhood.
How we were so sad
when we left our neighborhood.
I guess I can’t be mad

** Punctuation here too. Also, who is this "we" you might want to include something a little more information here so that your readers can actually have feelings for this. The words are simple as well. Try to broaden the vocab to express more meaning.

Then I think about my teenage years.
When I had my very first kiss,
when I had shed so many tears.
I got through all of this.

** I think this is my favorite part because people can relate to it. Still, punctuation, and vocab. You might want to dictionary search.

So, now I’m getting older and wiser,
and my life is soon to be over.
I shall be taken to a place higher.
So, even though I’m getting older,
I’ll always be looking over your shoulder

The rhythm is quite patchy and some bits don't flow, like the people above have mentioned.

I can't say much as my poem knowledge isn't too good.

The idea is very good though.

x

Strange and a little patchy with the rhythm and rhymes in some places. It tended to skip instead of flow and this makes it harder for the reader, a.k.a me, to stay interested. If I were you I'd think of some serious proofreading before you post on here, and also, review your punctuation.

Some imagary was good and also, you used good descritive styles in some parts, but other than that, I didn't like this very much. The end line. 'I'll always be looking over your shoulder' is used a lot in poems, stories, in fact a lot of different writing pieces and it bores me to see it again. Perhaps try to make this line into your own and add a new modern twist of flavour to it, to make it seem less unoriginal and drab.

Other than that, the idea was good, you just need to overlook your actually writing to find it.

last two lines = good.

other than that...er...yeah, bad.

The rhymes are forced and, because you are concentrating on rhyming so much, there is no meaning behind the poem. Throw this away and try again. You can do better.

The rhythm needs some work, but it was nice and ansty. some of the words in the first stanza didn't feel right, so you may want to fix it. Good job nonetheless. =3

(by the way, it'd be awesome if you'd read my romance story and critique it.)