I'll love you until the day I die,
because you showed me,
that I can be loved,
so i shall stand by you.
I'll be with you through the years,
no matter what happens to us,
so don't worry my dear,
for I shall be with you through the tears.
So be with me in my time of need,
and I shall be there for you,
because we are the ones,
who will walk alone together
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Canary word: Present
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i think that trident makes a good point also. but the over all writing was ok
It's a really nice poem. It goes to show how dedicated you are to the person you fell in love with.
It was nice and short. To me this seems perfect for wedding vows.
This is one of those short but sweet things
i enjoyed it but you should work on it great job! vince
Trident makes a good point. Imagery and metaphors could add a lot of depth to this.
At the moment, it's nice, but just nice... I really think you can make this better though. Try thinking about ways you could relate to being together forever.
Perhaps these examples are a little too cliche, but there was one story for example, where a bird was meant to migrate for the winter, but loved this statue so stayed with it, but died in the end... It was very sad, but it showed how much love it had for the statue of the prince. There are many ways you can do this.
What I have to say I do really like about how it is at the moment is that, though you have got rhyming in a few of the lines, it doesn't look like you tried too hard with it. I prefer this style where it's more freestyle, as I don't think rhyming always works unless you're very good at it, or it starts to sound forced.
Another tip would perhaps be to look at this, remember what the original idea was when you started writing it, and concentrate on that. Perhaps it was the 'walking together' part near the end, in which case, you could do something interesting there.
One last thing: watch your letters. Capitalise the first letter of each line and never use a little i when you are using it as a pronoun.
Good luck with this! I'd like to see how it looks once you're finished. =)
Kay.
There's really nothing in this poem that hasn't been said a million times by lame songwriters. So why should we treat this poem as if it's different?
Try some original imagery, some original narration, or even some original scenarios. Make the reader think of something they hadn't thought of before.