Published September 13, 2007
I'm sorry but I must say goodbye,
and please don't ask why,
for it is too painful for me to see the ones I love hurt
So please just please say goodbye okay.
Don't worry for me,
just go on with your lives,
as if i never was,
and forget about me.
Don't worry my friend,
for wherever it is that I'm going I'll always remember you,
and all the things we've been through,
so please let me go
Just let go,
because I don't wish to hurt you anymore,
and i wish that you have a happy life,
for i shall not be here anymore
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Hmm...the first two lines seem little off key. But, other than that, it's really nice poem.
I agree with the others. You'd be better off scrapping this and starting over again, and next time, tell us why we care. No one wants to listen to what you have here; very general, overused phrases and feelings. You say, "Friends." We say, "Who? How many? How close?" Make us care by making your poetry your own; don't ramble, describe.
-Colleen
Just as some general notes: your title has a typo, you'll want to capitalize the pronoun I, always, and be sure to add in more punctuation in places.
I can only echo Trident. You presented an emotion but we can't even tell what it is from this poem. You do a lot of telling. Try using imagery, symbolism, metaphors, etc to express your emotions, rather than just tell us how you feel. You might want to read some poetry to see how other authors express their emotions poetically--that could really help you.
Best of luck!
Hi, I felt that you had very little, if any, imagery to work off of here. The poem may elicit feelings for you because you know what is behind these words. We don't. I suggest that you try to incorporate something more than just talking about a relationship. Give us some concrete examples of what happened.
Some of the rhymes you have here aren't too overbearing, but the material itself is overused, so the rhymes are given the impression of being overused.
I didn't like how the first two lines rhymed; it seemed too contrived, and sounded strange against the third non-rhyming line. Also on the third line, "for it is too painful" seemed lofty writing for the sake of lofty writing. The phrase "too painful" is vague and doesn't allow the reader to do anything except nod along with the poem, rather than be engaged in it as much as the writer is.
Similarly with this stanza: it's as if it should be more intriguing than it is. I think that in this stanza and throughout the rest of the poem as well, more description through carefully chosen words would be the most beneficial.
Feel free to PM me if you have any questions!
-melia
I liked this and it was good, but it wasn't fantastic. The storyline behind the poem is good and throughout the poem, you use a lot of emotion so that it makes the reader feel the same. But, this kind of storyline to a poem is popular and tends to get a little boring, so maybe - even if you use the same plot - you could add your own twist? Maybe the writer never actually had any connection to the person they're talking about, and it was meerly them letting go, for example: a boy or girl who has a crush on someone, but decides they shouldn't and so stops liking them. Maybe, I don't know?
In some places the flow is fractured and nudged by the stucture, which in some places drags on a little bit and makes it harder to read, sometimes even understand.
Punctuation and grammar? These are not my strong points and to be honest, I'm not so good on commenting about these, but I thought you could maybe tidy up your poem by adding capitals and perhaps more than the average comma or full stop.
Other than these though, it's a good poem. Hope I helped.