"What are you thinking about?'she asked sitting down on the ground at school.
"You. How cute you look right now."
'Funny."
"Not lieing."
I wish life was that simple. Humans... simple humans who know one another enough to say things like that. But I'm not simple... or even human... I may walk along them. Talk like them. Dress like them. But I am not one of them. I wish I could talk to my love like that. But he doesn't even know what i am... and my people? They would not be happy. With me I can't even walk in a room with out someone watching me leave. Without someone thinking how weird I am. How disgusting I am. Or even how I dress. But... he is different. I don't know what he thinks. I only know what he says. Like a need for air, I need his thoughts. I feel lost without them. Like a blind dog through a forest. Never knowing when you are going to run into a tree. My love for Patrick is stronger that I could have ever thought. I need him to live but I can't ask him to change how he lives. I know if I tell him what I am he will turn a way. But I guess I have to try...
"Patrick! I need to talk to you!" He stops to wait for me to catch up. Looking at me with those beautiful green eyes.
"What is it Sarah?" I walked with him outside. And I waited until no one could hear.
"You know how you said I never talk to you. About why I am so different."I closed my eyes hoping it will all go away. When I opened them nothing changed. So I just went on. Hoping if maybe if I start talking I will wakes up and it would have been just a dream.
"Sarah what is it?"
"I'm a... I'm a vampire." He stopped and looked at me. They way people do when they see a spider or a bat flying in the sky.
"What? I'm just like you. Just with a different diet."
"No your not! Your one of them!" I moved toward him a little. Which was my first mistake.
"Patrick-"
"No! Get a way from me!" I knew this would happen! Why did I do it?! I just walked a way. If he didn't love me anymore then why should I care? I just went home and cried...
Yes, I liked a lot, but I agree with everyone else, either shorten and grab hold of one idea - maybe her feelings - and create a poem or lengthen this - add description, more background etc - and create a story.
Though nice 
. I would like to see how you get on with it. I bet you can make it really good.
Sorry if I'm being a little harsh.
I have to agree with Tsun, this does sound a lot like twilight.
also,i think that you got this the wrong way around:
it should be like this:"No your not! Your one of them!" I moved toward him a little. Which was my first mistake.
"Patrick-"
Anyway,this belongs in fiction,and if you enlarging it,then you could have a good short story."No your not! Your one of them!"
I moved toward him a little. Which was my first mistake."Patrick-"
As some people have pointed out before me, this seems to belong more in fiction than in poetry. Perhaps I'm wrong.
Well i also have to get this off my chest, is it just me or does this seem like a reversed "Twilight" story??
People, especially girls have been giving the "Twilight" books astronomical reviews. But to me, it's just an average teenager - vampire fetish...
Anyhow back to the actual review.
You know, this idea of the vampire - human romance has been played by many people. Some are a success, most are a fail. What i'm saying is, perhaps this wasnt the best time to write about a vampire - human romance?? especially with all the Twilight hype going on. It may seem to some that you are trying a little too hard? Please dont take offense, it's just my opinion.
I'm not trying to put down your idea, i think it's a fantastic idea, it just seems like society may need to take a break from this forbidden love.
I think that if you can extend this poem into a story, it could become a hit!
My main problem with this is where it belongs in...you can convince me that it belongs in either poetry or fiction...
It's a little too short to be fiction, but it doesnt really seem like a poem to me...
Well lastly, i hope you dont take any offense, if you did, i apologize =)
Hello Untitled,
Welcome to YWS, I'm Angel of Death, but please, call me Angel.
Okay, I am sure that this is not the right place for this to be. This thread here is all for Narrative Poetry and the way you have this formatted, is in the form of a story.
Contact someone with a green name to help fix this problem.
Have a good day,
~Angel
Its sorta hard to read because the lines are stretched....Is there any possible way you can make the lines a little shorter so its easier to read??
120,613 Literary Works • 651,072 Reviews
Points: 890
Reviews: 21
Donate