This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, locations, and incidents are a product of the author’s imagination. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead is entirely coincidental and not intended by the author.
Copyright © 2013 by Gemma Larkin
All rights reserved. No part of this may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without prior written permission from the author, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical reviews and certain other non-commercial uses permitted by copyright law.
Prologue
A year ago: inferno
“Repeat what you just said to me. And if you said what I thought you said, your head will be on a stick!” Jack took a step back to avoid his grip then took a deep breath knowing that the next couple of minutes were going to decide his fate. For better or worse. He looked up into the giants face, his jet black hair untamed and wild like its master.
“She. Escaped sir.” The man’s eyes blazed a dangerous colour, and the next thing Jack knew he was up against a wall, struggling to breath while trying to pry the steel grip off of his throat.
“What did you just say?” Jack had to gasp for a large breath before answering anything; he could hardly breathe let alone talk.
“She…she escape…escaped sir!” Suddenly Jack fell to the floor, thankful that he could breathe, but he knew that he shouldn’t celebrate just yet because she had escaped. If you were the messenger then that was as good as saying ‘kill me! I hate life’ “she was guarded constantly, she couldn’t of gotten passed the guards, I trained them myself”
“WELL SHE DID!” His eyes were hazardous, trying to piece together what this idiot was telling him. One of his best men. He had begun to pace the room, running his hands through his hair like he was waiting for something to happen, anything to happen, to put things right. But nothing did. “Find her.” It came out in a whisper. Jack could barely hear him.
“How? She got to the platform! She could be anywhere in the world right now! Anywhere!”
“Well then you’d better start looking because if she doesn’t turn up on my doorstep within…a year. You and your friends are going to be sorry you ever let her go!” He walked out of the room leaving Jack on his own. Jack knew what would happen if he didn’t deliver. He’d be as good as dead. “Oh and Jack? Make sure she comes back alive this time.”
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125,015 Literary Works • 672,848 Reviews
Hey there!
I'm manisha and I'm your secret santa for Christmas is July. So this is the special review!
Firstly, great prologue. Many readers usually skip prologue in books and I do not understand why for the prologue makes a great part of the book.
Alright, to the review.
When I read this I was a bit confused. We do not know the gender of the person who just spoke so I didn't get whose grip you were talking about. You could change to 'the grip' instead of his grip? This is up to you though.
This should be she couldn't have gotten past the guards.
There is a comma after Oh.
The last sentence was fantastic! Overall a great prologue.
Let me know when you post the chapters!
-Manisha
Hi there!
First off, your profile picture is awesome! Ok, onto the review:
*I think it sounds better if you say it like this. Just a personal preference, but there are too many saids in these first two sentences. Know what I mean? When choosing dialogue for my characters, I always say out loud what they are about to say and listen to see if it sounds natural. If it doesn't, give it the ax.
*should be a dash instead of a period. Here you're trying to get across the fact that he's stuttering, for a lack of a better word. He wants to say that she has escaped, but he's scared to so he hesitates (there's the word I was looking for!) A dash works perfectly in this situation. It shows a break and also keeps all parts of the dialogue together.
Overall this is a great start. There are some parts that could be fixed, but the majority of it is wonderful. I feel like I really know this kid Jack even though we haven't even begun to dive into his life. And this world you've created is intriguing. I can't wait to find out more about it.
Post on my wall when the first chapter is up. I can't to read it!
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Thanks I'm working on the next chapter at the moment, I'm probably going to put it up in the net couple of days though. So thanks again and I'll message you when it actually goes up
Amazing. You really had lots of attention grabbers and made me wonder about who "she" is. I especially loved the last sentence, "Make sure she comes back alive this time." Genius.
Thank you so much
I love the way it grabs you and makes you wonder: who is 'she'? What did she escape from? Why was she there? Keep up the good work!
wait for the next chapter and you'll find out ;D
Howdy Unstoppable! Dogs here with your review today! Firstly if I may say: WELCOME TO YWS! I hope you enjoy your stay here. I'm Tucker and if you need anything, a review, some help, advice, ANYTHING! Let me know and I'd be more than happy to help you out
. Anywho, on to ze review!
In that first paragraph, perhaps set the scene a little more. Not specifically the scenery but the character. I want him to be a little more manic and pissed, perhaps have him be tall and scruffy and screaming at the person that brought him the report, his spit and pieces of unchewed breakfast peppering the messengers face. A little more comical and intimidating setting perhaps.
"jack knew, he was up against the wall"
jack should be "Jack" because it's a personal noun and those should always be capitalized. Also, describe the "dangerous color" of the man's eyes. Give the reader some more imagery here.
"she can't of got passed the guards"
Correction, this should be: "she couldn't have gotten passed the guards"
"his eyes were dangerous"
You already used "dangerous" to describe his eyes. Use a different word to create a stronger description.
"within.. two years"
Well that seems like a lot of time to find her! Perhaps put the search for her under a stricter constraint. Because two years is an absurdly long time.
The last line is confusing but I suppose in a good way because it leaves the reader thinking, "how the heck could she be alive twice," because that's what you're insinuating. Anywho interesting start here, there are some kinks that you need to work out. But just be careful of not setting up the imagery enough for the reader, as that is essential. All and all a good piece and I look forward to reading the next bit, let me know if you ever need a review. Keep up the good work!
TuckEr EllsworTh
thank you so much! I'll take that into thought.
Great review by the way!
The only thing you managed to do here was confuse readers. The title suggests a plot relating to the suffering of an angel; the content shows a messenger (which is probably the angel) being physically ruffled by the master because a certain escape happened. That scene didn't seem to be a heavenly scene. As a matter of fact, it seemed more of an archaic human encounter than a celestial one.
Nonetheless, I think you deserve an applaud for the clever way you ended the whole thing with a curious idea. "Alive this time". It makes a reader want to know what sort of realm that was; how 'she' was brought dead previously and then attained life somehow...
it's set a couple of years ago after the girl escaped 'hell', heaven comes into the plot in chapter one which i am putting up later today or tommorrow. And thanks
And the 'Angels hell'. The girls name (my main character) is called Angel. The hell bit. You'll have to wait for I supposse