The Boy

by UnlikelyWriter02

Published December 23, 2016

E - Everyone

In The Boy

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I was eating lunch when I first heard the whispers.

"Did you see the new guy?"
"Yes! He's so cute!"
I look at my friends. "New guy?" Chass looks up from her burger. "Yeah. I haven't seen him yet but apparently he's really 'cute'." Jess rolls her eyes. "I doubt it." Sonia smirks. "Well you know the girls in this school. They think every new boy is the cutest." I laugh. We sit there for the rest of lunch, making jokes about the girls and the "cute boy".

It's the class after lunch when we finally see him. He's tall, jet-black hair hanging in his eyes which are a startling icy blue. We all look at each other. All my friends' eyes are wide. Sonia breathes out, "He IS cute." Chass and Jess nod. I look at him but I don't think anything is cute about him. He looks normal. Sure the black hair and blue eyes together are abnormal but that didn't make him anything extraordinary. I look around the room and see every girl, including my friends, staring at him. I sigh. "There's nothing cute about him." My friends turn and look at me astonished. So does every other girl that hears me. One of them, a girl name Poppy, speaks up. "How do you think he not cute?! I mean look at him!" The girls all simultaneously look at him. I roll my eyes. "Whatever." I look forward again and see the boy standing there smirking. Did he hear all of that? Or did he just see all the girls staring at him? I don't question it for much longer though because just then Ms. Harris walks in. "Good afternoon class! As you can see we have a new student. This is Grayson Ward. Grayson why don't you take your seat?" Grayson flashes a smile that makes several girls giggle. "Thank you Ms. Harris." He walks down the row to the only empty seat-which happens to be surrounded by girls. I can see the girls looking at each other excitedly. I groan inwardly. This is going to be a long school year.

•••

The next few weeks are hectic. I cant even carry on a conversation with anybody without them mentioning Grayson or loosing focus if he walks past. Finally I just give up. I sit through everything quietly while every girl fawns over him. Even the other boys start to notice it. At first They questioned why all the girls have suddenly gone head-over-heels for this new guy. Then they just just ignored it and they all became best pals with him. It seems that even the teachers love him. I'm starting to think I'm the only one in this school that has any sense anymore.
One day I'm closing my locker and Grayson's there leaning on the row. I jump slightly. He's studying me, his brow furrowed as if in confusion. I nod at him. "Hello Grayson." He doesn't say anything just keeps watching me with those intimidating eyes. I swallow and start to walk away. After a few seconds I feel him come after me. I groan inwardly. I don't want his attention. Can't he just go give his time to one of the many girls who actually think he's so wonderful? I ignore him and keep walking. "Keira wait." I'm surprised that he knows my name but I step off to the side so he can talk to me. Grayson studies me again. Then in a whisper I can barely hear he says, "What is so different about you?" I look at him confused. "Different? There's nothing different about me." Grayson looks startled that I heard him. I feel eyes staring at us and I know it's jealous girls glaring. Grayson can feel it too. He stands up as straight as he can and walks off without saying another word.

•••

I question what had just happened in the hall as I wait for next class to start. Why had Grayson come up to me? What had he'd meant when he said 'different'? I shake my head and sigh. It didn't make any sense. I still feel girls glaring at me. I roll my eyes. I then tune everything out, mostly girls talking, and focus on the page in front of me. I'm so immersed in the work I don't notice when all the talking stops. Once I finally do I look up and see all the girls gaping at me. I raise an eyebrow questionably. Why were they all staring? I look back at my desk and see a rose. My eyes widen. I look to my right and see Grayson sitting and watching me intently. I sigh exasperated. I grab the rose, stand up, and toss it in the trash. Several girls gasp and I can tell it's taking everything they have not to jump up and take the rose. I sit back down and look at Grayson again. He's looking at the trash, confusion clear in his expression and maybe even some anger. I can tell he looks at me again but I'm already once again working.

•••

Everyday I see every girl grow more and more infatuated with Grayson. So much they start to get into arguments. I've permanently tuned out every voice except the teachers.
One day, I walk down an empty hallway on my way to do something for a teacher. As I walk past what's supposed to be an empty classroom, I hear voices. I pause and listen to them. Poppy and....was that Grayson?! I bite my lip then open the door just enough that I can see in. Grayson and Poppy are standing in the middle of the room. Poppy was giggling and Grayson was smiling. Then as I watched Grayson pulled Poppy in and planted a kiss on her lips. I was about to close the door ready to forget the memory when i saw something. Poppy's chest had a faint red glow. I decided to stay and keep watching. Grayson pulled away and as he did I saw Poppy's chest glow brighter and suddenly a small glowing heart was in between them. Poppy seemed to drain of all color, her bright red hair and cheeks dulled and her skin turned to a kinda gray palor. I wanted to look away but I couldnt. Grayson reached out and plucked the heart right out of the air. He seemed to study it, still smiling. "One down, ninety-nine to go." He then pulled a jar out of his bag and placed the heart in where it settled on the bottom. I finally unfroze myself and took off running not caring if Grayson heard me. I just found out why he was just so appealing and how he was turning it into a power.

•••

"Keira!" Grayson yells. I keep running. I dont hear footsteps behind me which is good. The lunch bell had rang while I was spying but I had been to occupied to pay attention. I race to the cafeteria and try to spot my friends. There they are sitting in our regular spot. I go over and sit down. Chass looks at me. "Why are you so out of breath?" I put a hand on my chest, trying to catch my breath. "You guys won't believe this. Grayson stole Poppy's heart." They all give me blank stares then Sonia sighs. "You're right I don't believe it." I sigh in relief. "Oh thank-" "I cant believe he chose Poppy out of all the girls in this school, especially me!" I give her a confused look. "No that's not what I meant." Jess points at me with a fry. "Then what did you mean?" "I mean that he literally took her heart. It came out of her chest, floating, before he grabbed it and put it into a jar." All three of them laugh. "Yea right," Chass says. "It's true!" They just laugh again and keep eating, now talking about Grayson. I slouch down in my chair. Who was I kidding. No one would ever believe me. At that moment Grayson walked in flashing a smile around. When he sits immediately as many girls as possible sit with him. Chass, Jess, and Sonia start to get up too but I glare at them. "Where are you guys going?" "Over...." Jess says then sees the look on my face. I knew perfectly well where they were going. They sit down again, but only pick at their food now. They keep staring at Grayson. I sigh. I would not let Grayson get them. No way. I had to protect them. Even if it meant sacrifices.

•••

As I watched, more and more girls dulled. I couldn't do anything about it. I was trying my best to keep Chass, Jess, and Sonia away from Grayson. I was doing great too. Until one day Chass walked into class. Her normally shiny full black hair was now dull and flat. I stood up and went to her. "Chass." She looked at me, no emotion on her face. She then went and sat down. I turn angrily towards Grayson. He looked at me smirking. I start to march to him when I see Jess and Sonia walk in. Both of them are in the same condition as Chass. "No....no...." They sit down and I watch them emotions building inside me. I start to go to Grayson but he's already surrounded by girls. I sit down with my friends, wishing I had been able to keep them safe. I know Grayson is smirking. He knows this is what hurts me. And he knows there's nothing I can do to stop him.

•••

Before I know it every girl has lost their heart. I don't know how the boys and teachers didn't notice. Maybe Grayson has something to do with it. I wander the halls now the only girl still herself. Grayson watches me closely. Everywhere I go, I can see him. I don't know why he's so interested in me. He's got the heart of every girl why doesn't he just leave? I avoid him the best I can. Any time he tries to get close i move away quickly. If he tries to talk to me I ignore him. I want nothing to do with him. I don't understand how he doesn't understand that.
One day I walk down the hall on my way to the restroom when I feel hands push me into a classroom. I stumble nearly falling flat on my face. "What the heck?!" I turn and see Grayson. I scowl. "Leave me alone Grayson." I go to move around him out the door but his hand shoots out and grabs my arm. "Let go." He closes the door and grabs hold of my other arm. His face is full of anger and confusion. "Why?" "Why what?" "Why don't you fall for me like every girl does? That's never happened before. It's never failed!" His grip tightens on my arms and I cry out in pain. Grayson looks down and his grip loosens, if only a bit. "But I guess it's no matter. I can still get the last heart I need." I look at him. "The last heart?" Grayson leans forward and puts his mouth next to my ear. "Yours." I feel myself stiffen then I try to pull away. "Let me go!" Grayson tightens his grip and I stop struggling crying out. Grayson scowls then flashes a smile. "There's no use. Your heart is mine." He then pulls me close and leans close to my face. I close my eyes not wanting to see his face. I know this is it. Grayson was going to take my heart. So I prepared myself to become like every other girl as I felt him come closer. It was over.

•••

I feel Grayson's lips press against mine. He holds the kiss for a few seconds. When he pulls away, I try to breathe. He looks down smirking. Then, as I watch, the smirk turns into a frown then a scowl. I look down and see.....nothing. my heart isn't there. I lift a hand to my chest. I smile. My heart is still in me. Grayson looks at me. "Why didn't it work?!" Before I can do anything he pulls me in again kissing harshly. I try to push him away and when that doesn't work I knee him. Grayson releases me groaning. I back up watching him. I look around and spot his backpack sitting on the ground near me. I lunge at it while he's still in pain and frantically unzip it. I reach in and pull out the one thing I know is his weakness. I pull out the jar of hearts. It's almost completely full. There's room for one more heart. Mine. If whatever had happened hadn't happened. I scramble up to my feet holding the jar close. Grayson recovers and looks at me. His eyes widen when he sees the jar in my hands. "Now Keira...give me the jar." He takes a step towards me and I take a step back. "Keira..." He continues to takes steps forward while I take them back. Then my back hits the wall. There's no where else for me to go. Grayson knows this and smirks. He steps close enough that there's less than a foot between us. "Keira give me the jar." I keep my death grip on it. "No! These hearts don't belong to you!" He chuckles. "The hearts came to me, they are mine." "No!" His face takes on an expression that shows his patience is running thin. "Keira. Give me the hearts." He holds out a hand. I shake my head. In a second Grayson is gripping my wrists. The way we stand has the jar right in between us. Grayson smiles knowing he's going to win. "It's over Keira." Then I know what to do. "No...it's over for you!" I then release the jar. Time seems to slow down as the jar flies to the floor. The jar slams into it and shatters. "NO!!!!" The hearts flow around then fly out under the door. Grayson glares at me. I don't care though. I'm smiling. I did it. I stopped him. "Well done." I look at him. "You stopped me here but there's other schools, other girls." He closes the space between us. "I won't forget about you Keira." Then he kisses me again. This time I think it's a real kiss. It disgusts me but I also can't help but think that maybe he feels something for me. When he pulls away I stare at him wanting to scowl but my face is slack. Grayson flashes one of his smiles. Then I blink and he's gone.

•••

I sit with my friends laughing and joking. It's been about a week since Grayson disappeared. Everyone got their hearts back. Although when I questioned everyone no one remembers Grayson. It's like these past few weeks never happened. I know Grayson had something to do with it. I don't know how but he did. Finally I just stopped mentioning him. Now everything's back to normal. Well...as normal as it can get when I'm the only one who remembers anything. But I know Grayson's never coming back. All the girls on my school are safe.





Grayson sat at his desk studying whatever was in his hand. He smiled thinking of the school he had just left. More though he was thinking of that one girl, Keira. She had offered a challenge for him. And he had had fun. Grayson stood. He had to get to the new school soon. He smiled again at what was in his hand then placed it on the desk and walked off. It was half a heart.

Comments & reviews · 8
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inktopus
Review
inktopus wrote a review Review · Dec 30, 2016

The biggest grammatical error was the fact that you didn't start a new paragraph every time someone else started talking. It's really important that you do that because it makes everything so much easier to read.

In terms of originality, I thought the premise was fairly interesting and unique. I personally haven't seen anything else like that out there. However, the characters seemed unrealistic. Have them act a little more like people you know. People have flaws and even if it seems like it, they are not usually superficial. Even a little bit of depth would add a lot to the story.

You don't need to spell everything out for the reader. A lot of times you don't have to say exactly what someone is feeling, instead give a few clues. Showing, rather than telling is the mark of a good writer.

The last thing I'll address is all of the page breaks. You don't need them! Use page breaks sparingly to express passage of time. The last one was the only one that is really necessary. I would be really interested in seeing a rewritten version of this. I think the premise has potential to be quite good.

CarryOnMrCaulfield wrote a review Review · Dec 25, 2016

Hey

This was an interesting and noble start, and the ending caught be off guard, which was good. That aside, I still have several criticisms.

There were a lot grammatic, punctuational, and spelling errors that made it difficult to read at times. As sapphire said, it feels very, very rushed. It seems as if it is a rough draft for something more coherent to come.

I was confused and even somewhat discombobulated. You just jumped right in and focused solely on the narrative. I felt disconnected. Take it easy and describe what is going on rather than TELL us what is going on. What are the main character's emotions? How do they feel? Why do they react the way they react. Try to make us empathize with the narrator rather than simply put her there.

As I have said, the concept was original and I feel that, with more careful execution, you can turn this into something that is really, really good! It deserves a rewrite. First, start out by correcting punctuation, spelling, and grammar. After that, take some time to describe what is going on. If that means cutting or adding some things, it is wholeheartedly worth it. Keep writing.

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sapphireluna
Comment
sapphireluna commented Comment · Dec 24, 2016

Sorry I just realized I submitted my review twice! I appologise.
LOL
XXX,
Sapphireluna

User avatar
sapphireluna
Review
sapphireluna wrote a review Review · Dec 24, 2016

Hello!
This was a pretty good short story with an interesting plot twist I didn't see coming. However, there could be some improvements so I'm going to get right into the review.
-I found quite a few punctuation/grammatical errors, a few that stood out to me more than others. But I understand this may be just a rough idea and not the final product and that this story maybe was just something you came up with and wanted to quickly draft, not worrying about grammar and punctuation.
-The plot twist! The fact that there was some dude STEALING GIRLS' HEARTS is wild and I give you extra points for creativity. I feel like the concept was very original and impressive, so good job on that.
-Something else is description. I feel like you need to slow down a bit and take time to describe more of the story in the narrators eyes, ESPECIALLY considering this is a short story told in the first person. For example, how does the narrator feel when every girl has lost her heart? She must be heartbroken herself to see all of her friends heartless, and she must feel powerless that there is nothing she can do about it! So you need to express her inner thoughts and emotions clearly so I can really feel what she is feeling.
-Lastly-I want to say how much I feel like this story is relatable! Not because of a boy literally stealing girls' hearts but because of the girls swooning over some cute boy who seems to be heartless himself! Your story tells the true tale that looks can be decieving and you can NEVER judge a book by its cover.
Okay well I hope you take what I say into consideration and I just want you to know that I really really appreciate your story and I look forward to seeing more of your work!
XXX,
sapphireluna
P.S. Please review my most recent piece- for some reason I feel like you may enjoy it. ;)

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sapphireluna
Comment
sapphireluna commented Comment · Dec 24, 2016

Hello!
This was a pretty good short story with an interesting plot twist I didn't see coming. However, there could be some improvements so I'm going to get right into the review.
-I found quite a few punctuation/grammatical errors, a few that stood out to me more than others. But I understand this may be just a rough idea and not the final product and that this story maybe was just something you came up with and wanted to quickly draft, not worrying about grammar and punctuation.
-The plot twist! The fact that there was some dude STEALING GIRLS' HEARTS is wild and I give you extra points for creativity. I feel like the concept was very original and impressive, so good job on that.
-Something else is description. I feel like you need to slow down a bit and take time to describe more of the story in the narrators eyes, ESPECIALLY considering this is a short story told in the first person. For example, how does the narrator feel when every girl has lost her heart? She must be heartbroken herself to see all of her friends heartless, and she must feel powerless that there is nothing she can do about it! So you need to express her inner thoughts and emotions clearly so I can really feel what she is feeling.
-Lastly-I want to say how much I feel like this story is relatable! Not because of a boy literally stealing girls' hearts but because of the girls swooning over some cute boy who seems to be heartless himself! Your story tells the true tale that looks can be decieving and you can NEVER judge a book by its cover.
Okay well I hope you take what I say into consideration and I just want you to know that I really really appreciate your story and I look forward to seeing more of your work!
XXX,
sapphireluna
P.S. Please review my most recent piece- for some reason I feel like you may enjoy it. ;)

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Terian805
Review
Terian805 wrote a review Review · Dec 23, 2016

Hi Terian here! This was a pretty good short story with a neat little concept, and well written description of characters, place, action, etc. The idea was pretty good, but what I would love, would be to know more about Grayson. How the hell CAN he steal people's hearts? Is he a devil or something? Why does he want to do it? If you could flesh that out a bit more, then the story would be definitely more interesting for me and probably for most other readers.

From a grammatical point of view, one of the main problems with this is the fluidity of your writing. And by that I mostly mean sentence structure. For example:

"Grayson watches me closely. Everywhere I go, I can see him."

This is the first example I came across so it might not be a very good one! But the short sentences make it sound stilted, this problem is present throughout your story. Try to use more connectives maybe, such as a simple "and", might work to join these two sentences. Short sentences work at the right time, but not throughout the work.

Also like the preceding reviewer before me, I noticed that you should use paragraphing. Like Aspiringwriter said, switch lines when a new person speaks.

I noticed a few mistakes in punctuation, such as commas and that, so I'd scan through quickly to check them. I also saw that some of the dialogue sounded slightly odd. I get told this piece of advice millions of times and still am yet to embed it in my mind, but read your work aloud! It helps a lot on the dialogue front.

Overall this was a pretty decent story with lots of potential! I also noticed that you're new to YWS, so hope you enjoy it here, and always keep writing!

iamanaspiringwriter wrote a review Review · Dec 23, 2016

Hi UnlikelyWriter02! Honestly, your story isn't complete trash at all. I've seen much worse. As you write more you are naturally going to get better, because you get older and you read more and gain a larger vocabulary. Your style, if you are really just starting, is probably still developing and may never stop developing. The main issues I see from more of a grammatical/punctuation standpoint is that sometimes you switch tenses, and there is some missing punctuation in some of your sentences that should be there to help the flow. Also, when a new person speaks, make sure you start a new line. Also when there is dialogue, it is often not clear who is speaking. In some sentences you have some unnecessary words and in others you are missing words like conjunctions. I think you should really develop the tone of the story more. Decide whether you want it to be light, happy, dark, neutral, but whatever you choose, try to incorporate it into the story. It adds a good backdrop that you can't really explain but when you read it you can feel it. I thought the plot itself was cool, I completely didn't expect the whole stealing hearts thing! So that was cool! Always keep writing!

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Aleta
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Aleta commented Comment · Dec 23, 2016

Now you're going to make whatever ten year old on here think that her crush steals hearts lol



I always like to look on the optimistic side of life, but I am realistic enough to know that life is a complex matter.
— Walt Disney