Young Writers Society

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

In the dream, she’s young again and so is he. She’s standing in the meadow that he lives in front of. It’s been a year since her mom passed away and she’s reluctant to be moving away from her home, her life, and her love. All she feels is loneliness, sadness, and heartache. Then, his voice reaches her.

"Steph? Is that you?" the boy's short, cropped blonde hair glistened in the moonless night and tears started to form in his gray eyes.

"Knight," the girl's long, straight black hair blew in sync with the breeze that floated around the meadow and her green eyes squinted as the boy came into view.

"Steph, please don't leave," he took her hands in his and paused to pick a rose from the few that were growing all around them.

"I wish I could stay but remember Knight, I'll see you again, and then we can get married and you'll make me the happiest girl in the world, I promise, do you promise too Knight?" she smiled.

"I do, I promise I'll find you Steph, I love you, now go. I'll be here waiting for you," he let go and stepped back into the mist that had started to form.

"I'm only moving a state away," she paused "Knight?" but he was no longer there.

Hey there Secrets, Stella here!

First of all, you seem to have gone the opposite direction of most people with your dialogue punctuation. Don't worry, it took me forever to understand! Here's an article Demeter wrote that should help. You just need to recognise the difference between a speech tag (eg. said Steph) and a sentence following dialogue, (eg. She smiled). Then you'll be perfect!

So I get that you're trying to get their appearances down as quickly as possible, but giving us their hair and eye colour in their first sentences isn't such a good idea! Do it slowly and gradually. We can wait a few extra lines to see what colour their eyes are, or what Steph's hair is like. Try and only mention one detail at a time, we'll remember better that way because beforehand we'll be asking, "What colour is Steph's hair?"

Alright, so first of all I thought, "This is really weird" until I remembered that it was a dream xD Okay then! That's alright! The first paragraph is a bit weird, but at the same time I like the idea of "she is young again" suggesting this is Steph looking back at her life. Try not to infodump too much in that paragraph though!

I'd also like to see a little more into Steph's mind as this is happening. Specifically, her dream mind. Like, you know when a little detail like roses suddenly appear in a dream, and you go to yourself, 'oh, of course, roses!' I'd like to feel like she is present here, like she is living it. Or at least, if she is watching as a third person observer, I'd like to see her thinking what she herself looks like. It's a magical thing, letting us into a character's mind. And especially important when the entire scene is happening in her mind.

Overall this was good, and an interesting way to start a story! It's super short, so don't be afraid to devote a few more words to development, it's not like the scene will be carrying any extra weight.

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella x

Hello!
1. The reason this caught my eye was because of my love for anything romantic. When you write about love, do you get an overwhelming feeling to prove to everyone that love is more than what the cliched media and literature states it is? Do you ever get sick of reading endless YA novels (like I have) and their petty romances? I'm sorry for asking all these rhetorical questions but the only reason I write romances is because of that. Do you feel that way too?

2. Okay, back to the story.( Sorry for pouring out my heart before. Romances just get me emotional...) The story is done quite well, except for some punctuation mistakes. Like the last sentence.

3. My major problem in this is how the setting sounds almost magical, something that belongs in a fantasy or paranormal theme. But I got totally flabbergasted at " I'm only moving a state away." I know I haven't read the whole thing and this whole paragraph is unnecessary, but, truthfully, the first thing I thought when I read that was, 'Something's not right here...'

4. This is a MUST in any romance novel. Each other's (meaning the lovers) EXPRESSIONS.
Like for example, instead of "Steph, please don't leave," he took her hands in his and paused to pick a rose from the few that were growing all around them.
You could have: "Steph, please don't leave," he whispered softly , eyes gazing at hers longingly. He clutched her hand, palm cool and smooth, in his. With the exact same expression as before etched into his face, he bent down to pick a single blood- red rose, sparkling with droplets of dew from the mist, from the few growing all around them.
SEE HOW THAT SOUNDS SO ROMANTIC?
Romance gets filled up with vibrancy and saturation and all those PS options with descriptions. When with each other, the world seems to be stronger in color and definition...

5. You probably wondered why all my advice is annoyingly related to romance. Well, one, this is a romance. Two, it's not romantic enough. Three,..I...well, that's it.

But keep writing! I'll look forward to seeing more improvement. AND LOOOOOVE! *~*
( Excuse my improper grammar...)

This is a pretty good prologue. When you continue your story, be sure to include all kinds of background information about your characters. I look forward into seeing what kind of direction you take this story.

Hello! This really caught my eye and I felt the need to review it. It's extremely intriguing and I like the style that you begin to set up, though I can see it evolve throughout the piece. I have a few comments about a few things I noticed. I hope that they can give you a good idea of the impression you leave on readers.

1. Description
I felt as if description was sparse in some places but generously offered in others. I'm not sure if this is what you were going for, but for a prologue, I feel as the lack of detail sort of...I wouldn't necessarily say deterred...but didn't draw in the reader. The italicized bit seemed to me as if it were too brief and too forward to hold my interest. Perhaps something you could add is a sense of urgency, some form of literary momentum that would propel your story forward. This could be anything from deepening and intensifying the emotions your character is experiencing at the beginning, allowing the reader a look into the anguish and isolation the character is feeling. Instead of listing off a few symptoms of depression and their triggers in such a mechanical way, draw the reader in with an elaboration of details. Everyone can relate to the emotions the character is feeling, so what you need to do is make the main character unique in her experience and give the reader something revel in.

2. Characterization through Dialogue
One of my absolute favorite artists Jan Svankmajer, a true master of visual storytelling, created a stop-motion animation entitled "Dimensions of Dialogue." Without wandering too far into redundancy, the main concept I grasped from this little movie, that was ironically silent, was that dialogue is extremely romantic in the most literal sense. The words that people speak to each other intertwine in complex ways, interacting through different means but always achieving completion or expansion if they are at the height of their effectiveness. The conversation that you have composed excels at the completion factor. I felt that each line artfully matched the next and was a consistent and poetic exchange that expressed the emotions you were trying to convey. However, as for the expansion aspect, I feel as if it was lacking. When people speak, there is often thought associated with their words. Whenever I speak to someone, in my head I gauge their possible reactions to what I'm about to say, whether it's appropriate in context to what they've said before, and whether or not what I'm saying is relevant...etc. This leads to many hidden and more subtle forms of communication. Some words imply more than they outwardly project, and some have connotations that express things I simply can't say out loud. However, the dialogue here seems rather two dimensional and does not help the reader understand the characters in a deeper sense. Consider the characters' emotions and weave in small strands of doubt, or longing, or love that is more than just "I love you," "I need you," "I want you." Also, do not be afraid to use dialogue tags to their fullest extent. Something like,

"I love you," she murmured, letting her fear slip through the cracks in the words.

would be equally effective.

3. Direction
What direction do you plan on taking this in and what do you mean to follow this up with? In order to use a Prologue to it's fullest extent, it's important to give your piece direction. You seem to have something of a direction, like a move and a mystery man but nothing a reader does not find closure with. I feel as though all the conflict has been resolved in this prologue right here. It's a typical goodbye scene, usually reserved for the last pages of a romance, not the first. She declares her love and longing, he returns the emotions, they make promises to never forget each other and then they separate. It seems as if there's nothing left to do but to reiterate and reinforce their feelings, which seems almost pointless as they seem to have resolved themselves. I am afraid that your piece lacks a definite direction, at least from what I have read. Maybe strengthening the mystery surrounding Knight's disappearance and adding another point of conflict would allow your story to carry its own weight.

In conclusion, I felt your piece had a lot of very good things about it. It was very clear in its intentions and was straightforward and clean-spoken. However, some things concerned me, and made me question its strength as a Prologue. I hope that my comments give you another perspective to view your story with and that my opinions can help improve the effectiveness and longevity of your piece. If you have any questions please don't be afraid to ask! I really enjoyed the read and I'm interested in where you go with this.

Threnody