"Steph? Is that you?" the boy's short, cropped blonde hair glistened in the moonless night and tears started to form in his gray eyes.
"Knight," the girl's long, straight black hair blew in sync with the breeze that floated around the meadow and her green eyes squinted as the boy came into view.
"Steph, please don't leave," he took her hands in his and paused to pick a rose from the few that were growing all around them.
"I wish I could stay but remember Knight, I'll see you again, and then we can get married and you'll make me the happiest girl in the world, I promise, do you promise too Knight?" she smiled.
"I do, I promise I'll find you Steph, I love you, now go. I'll be here waiting for you," he let go and stepped back into the mist that had started to form.
"I'm only moving a state away," she paused "Knight?" but he was no longer there.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hello there Unknown Secrets! ^^
This is going to be my first review for today so excuse me if my still-sleepy-brain doesn't produce a very good review, but I'll do my best to help you!
I have to say that I agree with the things said by the two reviewers before me, and you should definitely do something with that advise.
The prologue is pretty much the most important thing in a novel, because it has to trigger people to read the rest of the book, so you need to make sure it's close to perfect! =)
When I finished reading this, I didn't really have an idea what it was about and it left me rather confused. It's good not to be predictable, but when I'm reading a prologue, I like to know at least a little bit of what this novel is going to be about so I can get excited for it.
So what would make this prologue a lot better is if you expand on it. It needs more description of where they are and who they are and what they're feeling. Try to make this whole scene come more to life for us. =) And give little hints to what this novel is going to be about.
This piece has potential, don't get me wrong, it just needs a bit of work! =D
But you definitely have talent as a writer and I wish you luck with writing this novel! <3
If you have any questions or anything, my inbox is always open. =)
-qaralynn-
Well, I came in for a review, but it seems someone beat me to it.
Repeating what Willow said, the dialogue should be spaced out. Just in case you don't know what we're talking about
Example:
"Steph? Is that you?" The little blonde-haired boy with grey eyes called out into the shadows.
"Knight," (...)
Also repeating what Willow said, your description needs a bit more work. Give your characters description a little bit more zest, such as hair length, how bright or how dark their hair and eyes are, what is their skin colour, etc. But don't go too far out and make it a whole big description. It will make your readers bored. Provide enough, but not too much.
Other than those two points, I think everything else is just about okay. This prologue has got me dying to want more, so I've begun to follow you.
I'll be waiting for chapter one. c:
Keep writing,
Sky.
Okay, good story, but there are a few issues:
1) When a new character speaks, it's a grammical rule that a new paragraph. When it's a bunched up like this it makes it confusing to read. People start thinking "Hey, wait a second is that Knight or Steph talking?"
2) The character description. Just saying he's blonde with gray eyes gets the point across, but it looses the dramatic edge. Try something like: "his blonde hair glistens in the dim light of the moon, and even though it's dark Steph can see tears filling his gray eyes." it gives some drama and description.
3) Where are they? I have know idea, are they outside a castle, by a house, in a forest, falling off a clifffffffffff? I'd also suggest saying what kind of night it is: cold, Boiling, humid, is there a moon, does it smell like peanut butter? (Of course I generally over describe sometimes) Keep it simple and relevent.
Good Luck!