I remember that day plain and clear. The sky was blue no clouds in sight. The hills were like seas of grain, waving in the breeze. Nothing seemed of that day, but everything was off. Nobody in that little prairie town it coming. Saw me coming. I was tearing towards them, I was ripping towards them. If you are thinking I am a tornado, I am not. I am much larger and mightier then those powerless beasts. It is not their power that they are using they are using the power of nature. My power is truly mine, and nobody has ever seen it before. It would be a frightful surprise for the world. But with this first little death of a town, no one will know I even came by that town. That little town in the prairie. I was aiming for something much bigger than this town though, I was aiming for the world. My home is in Oklahoma. Apparently I am a very big tornado that destroys stuff. You humans are so minor and oblivious. I am not a tornado I am your superior. The one that you will be looking up on soon, the one you will be bowing too. I am tired of people saying that I cannot exist. That I am impossible. I am not impossible. I killed everyone in that town. And the next town I am aiming for isn’t a town. It’s the world.
This minor world. I am slowly making my way around the whole universe, like dominoes, the worlds are falling. And your’s is next in line. Of all of the ones that have fallen so far, yours will be the easiest. And after I conquer you all, or you surrender, than that will mean the end of your reign and the crown and septor shall be handed to me over the whole universe.
You guys will have nightmares over me, and you guys will just hate when you find out that I have allies. I am not the only one of my kind. That I am not alone. I may be the ruler of them also, but they are as evil as me. You can try to stop me, but by trying that means the little war will end by your demise. By you struggling to live, it just makes it easier for me to strangle you. So stop struggling, it’s easier for all of us.
I direct this message to anyone who is listening, or suspects me. Because even if you do suspect me, you still will never see me coming.
I know this needs a lot of work, so please review or comment!
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,856 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!!
First Impression: Okayy....soo, the start of things is a tiny bit confusing...but other than that, the end feels like the prologue to what could potentially be a pretty epic story here, there's certainly a pretty ominous message in this one here.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okay...that was a tiny bit confusing there as far as the start to a story goes there...one second this person is denying the fact that they're a tornado, and then after that they declare they are a tornado...and it just generally seems like there's a couple of conflicting impressions that this is try to give us as the readers and I think you prolly need to give this entire paragraph a good rewrite and try to make sure only one particular impression comes across. That aside, a tornado that can talk is a pretty cool thing...so that's definitely quite a plus.
Okay...so this looks like a bit of a message by whoever this tornado/ not tornado is as they make their way through the universe destroying worlds...which is definitely a pretty cool concept there, if a little sudden cause this was talking a lot about random towns in the first paragaph...at any rate, it seems like it's a pretty cool little concept here.
Okay...wow, this person certainly means business there, they definitely want to cause as much chaos and destroy as much life as possible, and if there's a whole army of folks like this...well, it doesn't look too good for whatever beings this tornado thing and its army choose to focus on destroying...
Cool, this person certainly has a lot of confidence to be making statements like that. It appears that this is someone that has absolute faith they're going to wipe out their enemies and its definitely a pretty ominous message there..you can tell something very dangerous is out there hunting worlds.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall, this was a fun little piece here, it needs a bit of work here and there to be the best that it can be, but as it is, its still a pretty awesome piece here. Aaand that's about all I've gotta say for now.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hey Unique,
I saw you around in the chat so I thought I'd stop by and see what your writing was like.
I think you've got a lot of emotion in this piece. I can literally feel it seething through like a miasma trying to kill me off the page.
The thing is, I don't really understand why this main character is so angry, and I'm not really sure about your descriptions. You use a lot of poetic language like "Apparently I am a very big tornado that destroys stuff," which seems to be a metaphor because the same paragraph describes how the creature is not a tornado repeatedly. It's like they are having trouble deciding whose descriptors they're going with. At the same time, we never get a clear description of what the town looks like, how big this person is, what they look like, how the destruction happens, where the town is, what the town tried to do to protect itself, if the town tried to protect itself? There are all of these unanswered questions.
I think the biggest problem with this is that you're doing a lot of telling in this first part instead of showing. Instead of saying "I ripped the house to shreds, and moved on to the next, my left arm swinging across the bricks like a fly swatter, and the bricks were a fly." you are just saying "But with this first little death of a town, no one will know I even came by that town," which tells us what? The little town died. Apparently the town was little. It was in a prairie, but are we talking 2014 prairie town where everyone has cell phones or 1776 prairie town where everyone's on horses and lives in teepees or like, 1900s prairie town where everyone's in wood houses? Just because a town is in the mountains or the foot hills doesn't mean they're any different now a days, so what are we talking about here?
You also take things too metaphysical on us too quick. Themes like " I am much larger and mightier then those powerless beasts. It is not their power that they are using they are using the power of nature. My power is truly mine, and nobody has ever seen it before," need to be covered through imagery in the story, like a bird gliding on the wind, then take away the wind, the bird has to flap too hard, and can't fly. Juxtapose that with this creature who can not only make it's own wind, but will not tire as it flies. These sorts of images can be scattered throughout a novel and just supplement them as you go.
I am not sure where I stand yet on tornadoes being powerless because while they might rely on the power of nature, they are not their own beast, they are nature's power. What you suggest is like a hand's display of power is a powerless beast, because it has to be attached to a human. My argument is that the power of the hand is not a display of the hand's power, but the power of the human. I don't know if that makes any more sense.
Overall, I think you've definitely got a lot of emotion in this, which is really good to see. You don't have much in the way of motivation, why does this person want to conquer the world? but you could get there. Also it feels like a really good internal debate perhaps to write, get it out, then write the actual events that happened in more minute detail and give us things like: I'm not going to tell you how my power affected the village, because it would be pointless. You wouldn't understand because you've never seen anything like it. Instead I'll tell you what you've seen that might be like it, and you can translate that to the destruction of the village. I'll tell you the results.
I hope to see where this goes. I'm all up for diving into conquering the world.
Thank you for the review! I will keep everything you said in mind...
<3
"No one in that little prairie town it coming."
I think that you meant:
No one in that little prairie town *saw it coming.
"I am much mightier then those powerless beasts."
Than, not then.
I think that saying "you guys" wasn't the best word choice. Minors? People? Simple humans? Even peasants would've worked. This seemed like it was supposed to be intimidating, so such casual language shouldn't be used, in my opinion.
"Because even if you do suspect me, you will never see me coming."
Even though i assume that that was intended to be clever and mysterious, "seeing it coming" is just an informal arrangement of words to say the same thing. I recommend editing your word choice.
I personally feel that the biggest issue was your word choice. If you want me to be more specific, let me know. I could tell what was supposed to be there, but i feel like it was a faint thing that just faded into the words on a page, more than the things that made those words come alive. This thing, this natural disaster, this personified spiral of wind that is viewed as almost evil in the eyes of humans is intimidating. Make it scarier. Make the readers almost frightened when reading this.
If you feel like your not sure how to do some of the things that in suggested, don't be afraid to ask. Also, remember to proofread, although, there are few stories without spelling and/or grammatical errors in the first draft, if there are any at all. So, you actually did fairly well with that. Just be careful so you can catch those basic errors and typos.
It is great, and has much potential. It needs work, as everything does, but it has potential, and not all things do.
Thank you for the review! It was a lot of help!
Hi! KnightTeen here to review!
Let's get the nitpicks out of the way first.
These first two sentences are good, but they are not grammatically correct. So I added a little something to fix them.
This part is great, it just feels a little awkward to me. Maybe instead of having the content in two separate sentences, you could combine them and change the period to a comma.
I deleted the second, 'I was,' because having the same thing repeated so close together felt a little weird.
So at first you say that you are aiming for another town, but then you are not because it's not a town?
That's a little confusing.
The whole time the dialogue has seemed like it comes from someone very mature, that the narrator is very old and wise. But when you added the word, 'guys,' in you kind of took that away and made this powerful being seem like a teenager. ,
Overall opinion:
I think that it was good, even though your grammar does need a little work. (Believe me, we all do!)
The plot kind of confused me a bit, since there really is nothing but narrative. And I'm not sure if this is a one-shot short story, or a multi-chapter novel. Are you going to expand this and continue writing more chapters for it?
Anywho, I did like it. And sorry if I seemed a little harsh in my nitpicks, I know that I can come across that way.
Happy Writing!
~Teen~
I will definitely have to change the "guys" thing. It's ok, the review helps, so I am not offended by it. And anyways, why would I be offended? I really do need to work on my grammar, but I did do this in a WW. Thank you for the review!:D
"The sky was blue no clouds in sight" - you need a comma before 'no'.
"The hills were like seas of grain" - do you mean green? You might not. I don't know but it's a common thing to say seas of green so I just wanted to check you hadn't typoed.
"Nothing seemed of that day" - you missed out the second f of 'off'.
"Nobody in that little prairie town it coming." - insert a 'saw' before 'it'.
"power that they are using they are using the power of nature" - new sentence at the second 'they'.
"than this town though, I was aiming for the world." - this should be a full stop instead of a comma.
"I am not a tornado I am your superior" - I think there should be a semi-colon before the second 'I'.
"The one that you will be looking up on soon, the one you will be bowing too" - the 'on' should be 'to' and the last word should be 'to' not 'too'.
"your’s" - you don't need the apostrophe
"than that will mean the end" - You don't need the 'than'.
"shall be handed to me over the whole universe." - I don't really understand the 'over the whole universe'. I'm not sure it's necessary.
"You guys will have nightmares over me" - I think you should take out the 'guys'. It makes it sound as if the narrator is our friend. Like, do you think Hitler ever said to the Jews: "Hey, guys, mind if I exterminate you all?"
"That I am not alone" - You don't need the 'that'.
"So stop struggling, it’s easier for all of us." - this comma should be a semi-colon.
As for plot stuff. Man, I am intrigued! I don't think I've ever been so clueless as to the identity of a first-person narrator. I am not quite as terrified as I should be but I think if you make the suggestions I've listed the next reader will be. For a while I thought the narrator was God. I'm suspecting aliens now. I'm very excited to learn who the story will follow and how the plot will unwind.
Is it the sun?
Well done!
I was kind of going for the feeling of being clueless as to who the narrator is. I might try to work on the "Not terrifying" part though, ;D. I probably should of checked for grammar errors though, because as you said there is a lot of them! Thank you for this helpful review!
You're welcome