Prologue
The first time I had ever been scared was when my brother and our best friend, Perseus and Liam, had scared me when I was about five. I remember becoming bored with some show my dad had put on for me. So, of course, I headed to the kitchen which was where my mom was cooking. As I rounded the corner, Liam and Perseus practically scared the living daylight out of me. I remember screaming so loud that they both clamped their hands over their ears. Even my mom did. After that, it’s all become a blur as to what happened next. All I remember is Liam and Perseus going to my mom and complaining that I scream too loud. My mom just laughed and smiled at them and told them to go play somewhere else before they busted their eardrums. They mumbled a ‘yes ma’am’ and then headed somewhere else. After they left, my mom lifted me up onto the counter and let me taste whatever she was cooking. Now here’s where it gets really weird. I remember her smiling at me and then saying something I don’t remember at all. And then after that, the memory kind of slowly disappears into nothing. Like it never even existed. I try and ask my parents, my brother, Liam, but they always say the same answer. Just forget it.
Before I go on, I should probably introduce myself. Hi, my name is Eowyn Primrose Aldaine. I’m 16 and live in Carson City, Nevada, and live with my brother Perseus and my parents. I’ve lived here as long as I can remember, and so far, living here has been awesome. Especially ever since Perseus and I met Liam Adler, our next-door neighbor. He’s the same age as Perseus, who is seventeen, which is a year older than I am. Since describing Liam is a bit hard on paper, I’ll leave the ‘imagining-what-he-looks-like’ part up to you.
Perseus and I had met Liam in about the most inconvenient situation. I remember kicking the soccer ball back and forth with Perseus in our back yard. Then suddenly there was a kid lying in our back yard on his back with a bloody nose from a soccer ball I had kicked. That was the only time I have ever seen and heard Perseus scream like a girl and have a literal panic attack and shouting all the way into the house until he reached mom ‘Prim’s killed someone!’. Nice way to have your next-door neighbor introduced. By the way, Perseus and I were like eight at the time. After Perseus had disappeared into the house screaming at the top of his lungs, I walked over to the kid who was still lying on the ground. As I was walking towards him he slowly sat up, one hand over his bloody nose which was now covered in blood as well.
“Are you okay?” I asked inquisitively, running down to him kneeling next to him. He nodded and as it was a hot summer that year, Perseus and I had been playing in the pool we had. As I looked over to the pool I saw that my towel was laying next to it. “One moment,” I told him holding up a small chubby finger.
Since my dad has always been a doctor and my mom a nurse, I knew that if you had a bloody nose, you have to put a cold cloth over it to help stop the bleeding along with putting pressure on it. I ran over to the pool, dipped my towel into the water, and ran back over to where Liam was still sitting. “Here,” I said placing the towel on from where the blood was coming from. Putting pressure on it I asked him, “Lean forward if you can?” He slowly leaned forward with the towel still on him. About fifteen seconds later, mom and Perseus came back running towards us. Mom’s face was covered in panic while on the other hand, Perseus looked as though he were about to faint with how much blood he saw.
“Primrose?” My mom asked in a panicky voice as she ran over towards us. “Is he okay?” She dropped down to the ground, took the towel off Liam’s nose, and started examining it.
“Seems to be. At least he’s not bawling like a baby.” My mom shot me a warning look and I continued on. “From the looks of him, it looks like his cartilage is broken. Maybe a bit of the bone. Swelling of the nose indicates I most likely have broken his nose.” My mom looked at me bewildered after examing it herself. Stuttering she asked,
“How in the world do you know all this?” I shrugged and replied, “I spend a lot of time with dad.” My mom mumbled something that sounded like ‘smart kid’, and then said to Liam,
“I’m going to bring you inside and fix you up ok?” Liam nodded and slowly stood up along with my mom. After they had disappeared into the house, Perseus said,
“Way to go Primrose. You killed him. Nice way to have our neighbor introduced. I rolled my eyes and scoffed.
“I did not Perseus. He’s walking perfectly fine just like any other person. And don’t call me Primrose. It 's Prim. How many times do I have to tell you?” Arguing the whole way back to the house on what my name was, we reached the house just in time to see dad resetting Liam’s nose with mom right beside him. I heard the bone make a resetting noise, see Perseus faint right in front of my very eyes and the very first time I decided that I wanted to be a doctor.
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140,778 Literary Works • 673,688 Reviews
Poor Primrose!! She did not mean to hurt Liam, how did he get into Prim's back yard I wonder....
I wish you gave some more details on the neighbor hood and some more details about their family life.
Perseus kinda sounds like a jerk I wish we new more about his backstory and family life too.
Are you writing more? I really liked the style you write with.
I think Primrose has good potential to be a doctor or even in general life. Do they have any pets? Do they have family adventures? More detail there would be nice.
Thank you for your amazing work!
Hi there, this is my first review in a while so I apologise if I'm out of practice. I thought I'd try bring up some stuff that Anamel might have missed.
It's true that there's a fair bit of grammatical stuff to watch out for. You should scan for other points in the chapter where you unnecessarily repeat words and ideas. I noticed one time,
"we reached the house just in time to see dad resetting Liam’s nose with mom right beside him. I heard the bone make a resetting noise, "
The repetition of 'resetting', and also...
"Nice way to have your next-door neighbor introduced. By the way, Perseus and I were like eight at the time.".../"“Way to go Primrose. You killed him. Nice way to have our neighbor introduced. I rolled my eyes and scoffed."
Phrases like this are more effective if you used them once. Also, I feel like it would be more comedic/make more sense if you used a phrase like "Nice way to introduce yourself to your next door neighbour" As that's kinda what happened: she introduced herself to this guy Liam.
I also feel like you should spend a bit more time kind of establishing the environment, as some events seem kind of disjointed. I'm not quite sure how Liam ended up with a bloody nose in their garden, he seemed to just sort of appear there. Was he just on the other side of a fence, did he fall out of a tree? Also, you seem to kind of jump tenses in the last paragraph, when you write
"I heard the bone make a resetting noise, see Perseus faint right in front of my very eyes and the very first time I decided that I wanted to be a doctor."
This sentence could be a bit more coherent haha. Add in, "At that moment, I decided I wanted to be a doctor."
I'd maybe like a bit more information about Liam. He's obviously meant to be an important character, so he could be a bit more 3D. Have him say something if you're not describing his appearance. This kind of goes back to what I was saying earlier, in he should be doing something before he gets hit in the face with a football. It would be good if we had a sense of his personality.
To be sure, I did think that this was an enjoyable story. It's obviously a nuanced Romance novel: you seem to be laying down some unusual story threads with the memory that she has, and her desire to be a doctor. Make sure you pick up on these threads as you write more of the book. Like Anamel, I like how your character has a personal voice, distinctive and fairly sardonic in a way. It'd be great to see more of her observations on her brothers, and the people around her.
Good job and keep writing!
Hey! Hopefully leaving some tips that can be helpful to you.
The first thing I noticed was the format. It could drive readers away because it's blocky. I suggest splitting it up, particularly the first two paragraphs. Doing so will make it easier to read and understand.
The first sentence is also repetitive: "The first time I had ever been scared was when my brother and our best friend, Perseus and Liam, had scared me when I was about five." Since you say scared twice, maybe switch it up a little but still with the same meaning like: The first time I ever felt true fear was when my brother and our best friend, Perseus and Liam, had scared me when I was five." (you could leave out the about five part just to not make the sentence too long)
" I remember becoming bored with some show my dad had put on for me. So, of course, I headed to the kitchen which was where my mom was cooking. As I rounded the corner, Liam and Perseus practically scared the living daylight out of me."
Since you've already introduced the reader into a memory, it's not necessary to state "I remember", although of course it's also fine how it is. Maybe instead of saying once again they scared the character, you could explain what they did. Did they jump scare her or yell?
"I remember screaming so loud that they both clamped their hands over their ears. Even my mom did. After that, it’s all become a blur as to what happened next. All I remember is Liam and Perseus going to my mom and complaining that I scream too loud."
Hmmm, maybe I've been watching too many superpower shows lately but now I'm theorizing she has a power of screaming loud.
"After they left, my mom lifted me up onto the counter and let me taste whatever she was cooking. Now here’s where it gets really weird."
Maybe to make this memory even more weird, you could describe the taste but not what the food is, like she doesn't remember what she ate but only how it tasted. You could even make that part creepy. Now I'm getting intrigued by the end of the second paragraph!
"Just forget it."
I suggest putting this in quotation marks and separating it from the paragraph it's in and leave it by itself for more of an impact.
"Before I go on, I should probably introduce myself. Hi, my name is Eowyn Primrose Aldaine. I’m 16 and live in Carson City, Nevada, and live with my brother Perseus and my parents. I’ve lived here as long as I can remember, and so far, living here has been awesome. Especially ever since Perseus and I met Liam Adler, our next-door neighbor. He’s the same age as Perseus, who is seventeen, which is a year older than I am. Since describing Liam is a bit hard on paper, I’ll leave the ‘imagining-what-he-looks-like’ part up to you."
I like the way she narrates things. It seems a bit childish and scattered so it's good to get an impression of her personality. However, I also notice you put in there "I remember" a lot so maybe rewording that a few times would help a bit.
"That was the only time I have ever seen and heard Perseus scream like a girl and have a literal panic attack and shouting all the way into the house until he reached mom ‘Prim’s killed someone!’."
This is a run-on sentence. I suggest breaking it into two different sentences. Example: That was the only time I have ever seen and heard Perseus scream like a girl and have a literal panic attack. He shouted all the way into the house until he reached Mom and screeched, "Prim's killed someone!".
"He nodded and as it was a hot summer that year, Perseus and I had been playing in the pool we had."
I notice how you sometimes put two different ideas that don't really correlate with each other into the same sentence. I suggest first showing the setting(weather, place, scenery) then the people, then last the action.
" I heard the bone make a resetting noise, see Perseus faint right in front of my very eyes and the very first time I decided that I wanted to be a doctor."
A comma needs to be after "very eyes". The last part of the sentence doesn't seem to fit. I also suggest breaking it off.
The weird memory and her scream really interested me. The ending seemed like a lot to handle since we only just got introduced to her character and now it seems like we're jumping to her present or future but I think you can make it work depending on how you write the second chapter. Either way it holds potential.
Thanks for the tips and all that! I'll definitely somehow need to work on those.
thanks for seeing the potential