Hello, Underwriter, and welcome to the site! It's nice to see that you took no time in sharing your work with the rest of us.
Your story was quite interesting and fun to read. It's rather light-hearted despite its grim setting, but despite its video game style combat system I enjoyed reading it.
I'll begin by asking you a few questions: what kind of world do you intend this to be? What kind of feel do you want it to have? Is it meant to be high fantasy or urban fantasy?
All I could think of was Pokemon. Except there are demons instead of Pokemon. And the stats thing was... interesting? But also a little out of place if you're going for an entirely serious kind of setting. That's just my opinion, feel free to disagree. But it's hard to take something very seriously when combat moves are named and stats are a thing.
While the backstory was certainly enlightening, there's just a lot of exposition thrown around. Zetra mentally listing the rules wasn't unrealistic but felt out of place because he just randomly started thinking about them. Perhaps a specific encounter can bring them to mind in order to make for a more plausible explanation.
Even otherwise, you've kinda just thrown in a lot of information and the major conflict so you can get the story started. I don't particularly like that :/ It doesn't allow your characters to actually develop in the eyes of the audience, and it makes the main plot seem bland.
The government made a new law.
So there's only one government in the entire world?
All blood ring owners must be together once a year, and battle in the Sorcerers games. These games determined a person ability to serve the Sigil army, an elite group who battled the demons, and protected the cities from demise.
What about the ones who are already part of the Sigil army? (Cool name, btw) I assume they don't need to come.
And the whole game thing feels... weird. There are exactly twenty thousand blood ring owners, so the government should just conscript and then rigorously train them. It does not make sense for a selection process to exist. If someone is useless with their ring, it's logical to assume that the ring will be taken away from them and paired with someone more capable.
Zetra had always dreamed of being an elite sorcerer, dreamed of following In his older sisters footsteps, and finding out the truth of whether she had truly died in the filed.
An example of an instance where showing and not telling will have a much better effect on the audience. I don't care about Zetra at this point; I don't know anything about him and can't even say for sure that he's going to be the main character. I have no emotional investment in him, so I don't care about his ambitions, or about his missing sister. This isn't something you should have thrown into the very first chapter; it's too early to expect the audience to take notice.
Demica was a bunny demon, which held massive potential, but she was still in her first form, weak and untrained.
So.... forms are like evolutions?
Two stats are more important then the others
Difference between "then" and "than":
The first is used when you're talking about something related to time. (It was only then that he cared).
The second is used to compare something to something else. (She was smarter than him.)
Rule number two. Every demon has rateable stats. Only the demons master knows the stats and limits. Two stats are more important then the others, power, and stamina.
Power refers to how much stamina damage the other demon will take.
Stamina refers to how much total damage your demon can take.
How is this a rule? It isn't didactic in any way.
"You don't have much of a choice, kid. I am Luna Morninstone, heir to the hunter clan. I have been trained in sorcery since I was a child!"
Erm. I don't mean to sound rude, but this dialogue was rather childish. It's like what a villain would say in a children's book. If that's your intention, no problem, but if you're looking to create something serious, well...
"Zygari, attack wi-" before she could finish her sentence, Demica had broken free of the laugh that was circling her, and used iron ear strike, sending the fairy to the ground and rendering her unconscious.
Well, that was quick. And there don't seem to be odds; despite the fact that Demica was at a disadvantage, she won simply because.
With each new encounter and battle, Zetra felt more confident, he felt stronger and he watched his partner grow stronger as well.
Did you seriously just skip through all the fights in a single sentence? While I wouldn't have appreciated a detailed walk-through of every encounter, this is a little too much. Or too little, I guess.
He wanted to find another name, something inside him begged for it to be up there. Just before he gave up looking, it flashed on the screen.
Luna Morninstone.
You realize that again, this has no impact on the audience. I didn't feel sorry for her because I didn't know her and she didn't say or do anything that made me sympathize.
And why does Zetra care so much??
Okay, so my overall feedback:
There's a lot of room for improvement, depending on where you plan to angle this story to, but it's still a commendable effort for an initial draft. While the worldbuilding was kinda dumped on the readers, it is nevertheless intriguing. In terms of originality, you've done well again; the stats thing feels like it was taken from a video game or anime, but the underlying plot and conflict are still more or less unique. It'll be interesting to see where this goes.
If my review felt too critical, I'm sorry. I do not intend to offend or hurt you. Take what you find useful and put aside the rest!
~ Lee
Points: 18564
Reviews: 278
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