z

Young Writers Society


12+

Chapter 1

by Underwriter


The world of Trinaria had always been the home of demons. They walked the land and made it home. People coexisted with the demons, and some found ways to make the pets, others found ways to make slaves, and fight for them.

The demons were mostly docile, but every good, there was the darkest evil. These demons tended to stay out of the way, sorcerers had often taken control of them spells, and contracts.

The contracted demons soon became pawns in matches, challenges, and eventually games between sorcerers. These games were cruel, and often very deadly. The results of demonic energy clashing from high level beings often turned into chaos, and the arena of the games being destroyed completely.

One day, a powerful sorcerer had a vision of the distant future. The vision revealed a day that the dark demons rose up, and began to destroy the world. Along with the vision came am answer. A way that non sorcerers could harness the power of a demon, and use it for good. He constructed a black ring , with a thing slit running the length of the ring. When worn, by a human, a blood contract would be made with a random demon, and the ring would be it's new home.

The sorcerer then used his magic to copy the ring ten hundred thousand times, and then scattered each ring around the world , some underwater, some in fields, some hidden in plain sight. With this act, the sorcerer went into his cave, and drained of power, he died.

****Present day

The world has become a dangerous place, where rogue demons ran rampant, attacking cities, murdering people, and causing chaos wherever they went. Twenty thousand blood rings had been found, and most of the users considered their contracted demons as pets.

The government made a new law.

All blood ring owners must be together once a year, and battle in the Sorcerers games. These games determined a person ability to serve the Sigil army, an elite group who battled the demons, and protected the cities from demise.

Zetra had always dreamed of being an elite sorcerer, dreamed of following In his older sisters footsteps, and finding out the truth of whether she had truly died in the filed.

"Demica! Come forth, through the blood oath courage!" He shouted out, raising his hand and showing his black ring. Four tendrils of massive energy struck the ground, and a summoning circle formed. The ground cracked, and split apart as a small round form emerged.

A small, bunny like demon stood where the circle had been, and flipped her dagger like ears with a small, piercing screech.

Zetra was new to the blood ring summoners games, but he knew what to do. The rules had been scratched into his brain since he was a child, and now, finally, at the age of fourteen he had found a ring, and was entered into the games.

"Demica, let's do this!" He cried, and took off towards the center of the field, hoping to run into a new member, praying that his first match up wouldn't be with someone who was a seasoned and powerful summoner. Demica was a bunny demon, which held massive potential, but she was still in her first form, weak and untrained.

He ran further, and heard a rustling in the grass. Zetra braced himself, knowing that it could be a ring demon, or a wild demon of the fields, one of the many obstacles in the Summoners Games. The rules ran through his head as he waited, and watched as Demica readied herself as well.

Rule number one, you must call out orders to your demons before they can attack, but wild demons can attack at will. There is no turns, the faster you call out moves to your demons, the more attacks you can get in.

Rule number two. Every demon has rateable stats. Only the demons master knows the stats and limits. Two stats are more important then the others, power, and stamina.

Power refers to how much stamina damage the other demon will take.

Stamina refers to how much total damage your demon can take.

Rule number three. Make sure you watch the level of the enemy demon, as you can defeat higher levels, but avoiding the fight is highly recommended.

The rest of the rules vanished from Zetras mind as he checked Demicas stats again, even tho he knew them very well. Demica, level three. Power: 3, Stamina: 37.

"Are you ready Demica, let's make the first move! Iron ear strike!" He called out, raising his fist as Demica sprung into action. Her golden fur turned silver, and her her ears became spikes, deadly utensils of her power move.

She struck, ears first, into the grass as a flying demon avoided the attack, and started to laugh. It was a demonic fairy, and it looked as if it was higher level then Demica. A figure leapt out of a tree, and took a stance.

"Zygari! Fairy wind, followed by Shattering Laugh!" A female voice yelled out, as the figure stood slowly to watch the demons battle. Her hood fell off of her face, showing black hair, and a red scar like mark flowing from her left eye down to her chin. A sorcerers crest.

Zetra readied himself, knowing this would not be an easy fight. There were two types of sorcerers in this world, true sorcerers, and regular people who had found a summoners ring. A true sorcerer held the power to fight along side thier demon, aid in protection, and even heal their demon battle.

Zetra snapped himself out of thought as he saw the fairy attack Demica. First was the wind, a strong gust of cutting air that blew her back into the ground, leaving a small hole from her impact. The second danger was the fairies laugh. Demica, being a bunny demon with large ears, was highly sensitive to the fairies paralysing voice, and she shuttered, trying to shake free.

"Demica, curl your ears, block out the sound!" Zetra cried out, desperate. He had heard rumors of ways a ring sorcerer could use the demon power within to mimic the power of a true sorcerer, but he was still new to it all. In the moment, all he could do was put his trust in Demica.

He eyed the demons stats, and judged his next move. "Ok, so you've only taken three damage to your stamina, this demon isn't overly powerful, ok, Demica, I trust you, you have free reign!" He spoke, and raised his hand high in the air, the ring sparkling an erie red light. He had set the demon free of orders, able to fight the battle for herself.

Demica seemed to nod, before fully pulling her ears down to block out the sounds from the enemy demon. Her back legs buckled, ready to spring. With a sudden dash, she was behind the fairy demon, mid air, and kicked hard with her back legs, sending Zygari into the dirt.

"Thats it Demica keep it up!" Zetra yelled, and looked at the girl across the battle from him. "We will not back down, and we will not accept defeat!"

"You don't have much of a choice, kid. I am Luna Morninstone, heir to the hunter clan. I have been trained in sorcery since I was a child!" The girl spoke, but despite her words, Zetra could sense a deep fear in the girls voice. She seemed unsure, and scared, yet determined.

"Zygari, attack wi-" before she could finish her sentence, Demica had broken free of the laugh that was circling her, and used iron ear strike, sending the fairy to the ground and rendering her unconscious.

"Ngh no!!" Luna screamed, and rushed to Zygari's side, worried and irritated. "Just go kid, you've beaten me, leave us alone..." She whispered, and picked began to use healing magic on her demon.

Zetra wanted to stay, he wanted to talk to this girl, to comfort her, but he knew he shouldn't. "Let's go Demica," he muttered, and turned, sprinting away.

"This is how it has to be. I can't feel sorry for others, no matter what thier struggles may be. I have to worry about my own path, I have to put feelings aside and worry about finding my sister." Zetra spoke to himself, as he and Demica continued to press forward. With each new encounter and battle, Zetra felt more confident, he felt stronger and he watched his partner grow stronger as well.

"Demica, they are finished, let's go! Time is almost up."

As he spoke his last word, a loud buzzer went off, and the many loudspeakers set throughout the Summoners Games field let out a message.

"All battlers please report to the central meeting area, names of the people who will become students of the Elites Demon Hunters Training School will be displayed on the big screen."

Zetra released a deep breath, and looked down at Demica. She had fought hard and was exhausted. The little demon had given it everything she had. Demica looked up at him and gave out a small, happy cry.

"Guah!"

Zetra smiled, and kneeled beside her, placing the ring to her head. "Return and rest Demica" a small flash of light covered the demon, and she vanished. He stood, and walked through the grass and trees, each step feeling heavier then the last, and every breath feeling like a punch.

Nervous, Zetra reached the meeting area and scanned for a name. It wasn't his own name, as he had seen it right away. He wanted to find another name, something inside him begged for it to be up there. Just before he gave up looking, it flashed on the screen.

Luna Morninstone.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
278 Reviews


Points: 18564
Reviews: 278

Donate
Thu Jun 03, 2021 10:23 am
LittleLee wrote a review...



Hello, Underwriter, and welcome to the site! It's nice to see that you took no time in sharing your work with the rest of us.

Your story was quite interesting and fun to read. It's rather light-hearted despite its grim setting, but despite its video game style combat system I enjoyed reading it.

I'll begin by asking you a few questions: what kind of world do you intend this to be? What kind of feel do you want it to have? Is it meant to be high fantasy or urban fantasy?

All I could think of was Pokemon. Except there are demons instead of Pokemon. And the stats thing was... interesting? But also a little out of place if you're going for an entirely serious kind of setting. That's just my opinion, feel free to disagree. But it's hard to take something very seriously when combat moves are named and stats are a thing.


While the backstory was certainly enlightening, there's just a lot of exposition thrown around. Zetra mentally listing the rules wasn't unrealistic but felt out of place because he just randomly started thinking about them. Perhaps a specific encounter can bring them to mind in order to make for a more plausible explanation.
Even otherwise, you've kinda just thrown in a lot of information and the major conflict so you can get the story started. I don't particularly like that :/ It doesn't allow your characters to actually develop in the eyes of the audience, and it makes the main plot seem bland.

The government made a new law.

So there's only one government in the entire world?

All blood ring owners must be together once a year, and battle in the Sorcerers games. These games determined a person ability to serve the Sigil army, an elite group who battled the demons, and protected the cities from demise.

What about the ones who are already part of the Sigil army? (Cool name, btw) I assume they don't need to come.
And the whole game thing feels... weird. There are exactly twenty thousand blood ring owners, so the government should just conscript and then rigorously train them. It does not make sense for a selection process to exist. If someone is useless with their ring, it's logical to assume that the ring will be taken away from them and paired with someone more capable.

Zetra had always dreamed of being an elite sorcerer, dreamed of following In his older sisters footsteps, and finding out the truth of whether she had truly died in the filed.

An example of an instance where showing and not telling will have a much better effect on the audience. I don't care about Zetra at this point; I don't know anything about him and can't even say for sure that he's going to be the main character. I have no emotional investment in him, so I don't care about his ambitions, or about his missing sister. This isn't something you should have thrown into the very first chapter; it's too early to expect the audience to take notice.

Demica was a bunny demon, which held massive potential, but she was still in her first form, weak and untrained.

So.... forms are like evolutions?

Two stats are more important then the others

Difference between "then" and "than":

The first is used when you're talking about something related to time. (It was only then that he cared).
The second is used to compare something to something else. (She was smarter than him.)

Rule number two. Every demon has rateable stats. Only the demons master knows the stats and limits. Two stats are more important then the others, power, and stamina.

Power refers to how much stamina damage the other demon will take.

Stamina refers to how much total damage your demon can take.

How is this a rule? It isn't didactic in any way.

"You don't have much of a choice, kid. I am Luna Morninstone, heir to the hunter clan. I have been trained in sorcery since I was a child!"

Erm. I don't mean to sound rude, but this dialogue was rather childish. It's like what a villain would say in a children's book. If that's your intention, no problem, but if you're looking to create something serious, well...

"Zygari, attack wi-" before she could finish her sentence, Demica had broken free of the laugh that was circling her, and used iron ear strike, sending the fairy to the ground and rendering her unconscious.

Well, that was quick. And there don't seem to be odds; despite the fact that Demica was at a disadvantage, she won simply because.

With each new encounter and battle, Zetra felt more confident, he felt stronger and he watched his partner grow stronger as well.

Did you seriously just skip through all the fights in a single sentence? While I wouldn't have appreciated a detailed walk-through of every encounter, this is a little too much. Or too little, I guess.

He wanted to find another name, something inside him begged for it to be up there. Just before he gave up looking, it flashed on the screen.

Luna Morninstone.

You realize that again, this has no impact on the audience. I didn't feel sorry for her because I didn't know her and she didn't say or do anything that made me sympathize.
And why does Zetra care so much??



Okay, so my overall feedback:

There's a lot of room for improvement, depending on where you plan to angle this story to, but it's still a commendable effort for an initial draft. While the worldbuilding was kinda dumped on the readers, it is nevertheless intriguing. In terms of originality, you've done well again; the stats thing feels like it was taken from a video game or anime, but the underlying plot and conflict are still more or less unique. It'll be interesting to see where this goes. :)

If my review felt too critical, I'm sorry. I do not intend to offend or hurt you. Take what you find useful and put aside the rest!

~ Lee




Underwriter says...


Hello ! I appreciate the review, and while I personally don't fully agree with everything you have said (call it being a stubborn writer) I have read it thoroughly and thought about what you said. Beyond the the things I have responded to in the other few reviews that others have given, I can really only comfortably answer one of your questions. The reason why is because I feel you want more to the answers, and I cannot do that without giving away possibly important details. The answer I can give you is this.

You said Lunas comment felt childish. She is only 15 and you will find out in the next chapter, her overall personality is still very childish



Underwriter says...


I would also like to add this though as well. I am in no way ignoring your comments or calling them incorrect, I am simply do not agree with them at this point time and that doesn't mean everything you said either, sorry wanted to clarify



LittleLee says...


Hey!

You said Lunas comment felt childish. She is only 15 and you will find out in the next chapter, her overall personality is still very childish

I didn't mean she was being childish; I meant that that part was a little childishly written. I don't think anyone - even a fifteen year old - will loudly declare their name and affiliations in the middle of a battle. It isn't realistic.
And I don't think fifteen year olds are all nearly as childish as you may think. XD

I don't particularly mind if you don't heed my advice, but if I may ask, what makes these questions uncomfortable to answer?
what kind of world do you intend this to be? What kind of feel do you want it to have? Is it meant to be high fantasy or urban fantasy?



Underwriter says...


I just realized something that I never said that may make it make more sense. It's hard to get this across on this app, and very hard in general unless you can see a cover with it. Don't think In terms of regular story.

And this will also probably clear up your stat issues your having, read it like a light novel manga anime story. I should have said this earlier but totally forgot.



LittleLee says...


Ah, okay. I see. Have fun writing!



Underwriter says...


I really hope that knowing it's manga style writing that cleared up a few things, sorry again for forgetting to say it earlier, and I would be more then happy if you also reviewed my future chapters once they are up.



LittleLee says...


Don't you think a script-like format would be more apt for manga-style writing?



Underwriter says...


Not for light novel manga. A light novel is basically a book, with manga pages in it here and there.



LittleLee says...


Mhm.



User avatar
49 Reviews


Points: 661
Reviews: 49

Donate
Wed Jun 02, 2021 2:25 pm
Otterpop wrote a review...



Heya! Otterpop here with a quick review!

So the major thing I noticed was that you've done a lot of the groundwork for creating a very fascinating world! The main character and his demon 'companion' (if you'd call her that) have some solid personalities and I can sense either something of a bond between them, or the potential to have one. I also personally love people having creativity with names and I love the ones you've chosen/created; I see those names and I immediately connect them with those specific characters.

There is one problem that concerns me though, and it's that you're doing a whole lot of telling and not a lot of showing. There is a lot of exposition here; it's not overwhelming in the slightest, however I feel like as a result some of the mystery has been taken out of any worldbuilding you might do in the future. Particularly when it comes to fantasy/sci-fi/supernatural, you want to be careful not to tell your audience too much right off the bat.

A good example of this is Zetra explaining the rules via exposition. You could easily take this out and instead make the reader speculate on the rules, or reveal rules over time through things like dialogue and conversations, actions, or even emotions. Methods like these tend to be very effective in genres like this, and tend to keep readers hooked for longer.

The action sequence was still fairly solid though, and it was easy to tell what was going on during the initial battle. And other than a few grammatical errors (which are easy to fix) this seems like a decent initial draft. Keep in mind I'm not trying to discourage you, and you certainly don't have to listen to everything I've said! But I definitely want to help you become the best writer you can be because this story, world, and characters seem very intriguing to say the least!

Happy writing!




Underwriter says...


Hello! Thank you very much for the review. I have read everything you have written, and I understand what your saying. However, I would like to counter "argue" if you will. The next few chapters will be set at training school, and through a series of events the summers games becomes the full world, and the rules change drastically. This is why I didn't find a problem writing it the way I have.

However, often as I write, I change the future that I had in mind, and therefore, go back and change small parts of past chapters

Again I greatly appreciate this review and hope my answers let you feel more strongly about my intial chapter



Underwriter says...


Summoners *** accidently wrote summer games lol



Random avatar

Points: 200
Reviews: 0

Donate
Wed Jun 02, 2021 3:48 am
Eve22 says...



Overall 7/10 - love the idea and the storyline that comes with this first chapter. Caught my attention immediately, and loved the battle scene! Some minor spelling/grammar errors in it, and a few confusing parts. Love the characters and their interactions! Keep writing :)




Underwriter says...


Thank you very much %uD83E%uDD70 as of this moment everything I post here will be more or less completed rough drafts. The way I work is I write what comes to me, make two more chapters then fully look over the three chapters and make changes based on the whole




Congratulations!
— Magestorrrow