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18+ Violence Mature Content

Undertoad: A cute human

by UndertoadLuigi1


Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for violence and mature content.

Mario was walking with his brother when he noticed a hurt female human, "Heya bro I'll catch up later."

"Alright Mario be careful." Luigi said with a nod

Mario walked up the girl and held out his hand, "You okay?"

The girl blushed and took his hand nodding slightly, "Not really but yeah thanks."

"No problem, I'm Mario."

"Oh uh I'm Mallard, but you can call me Mal."

"Its nice to meet you Mal, welcome to the underground by the way."

She smiled happily and nodded, "Thank you for having me, do you think you can show me around?"


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18 Reviews


Points: 128
Reviews: 18

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Sat Sep 30, 2017 6:37 am
Taslimalima wrote a review...



It is a review,
Nice starting dear.I have been a feeling that, it will gonna be an interesting story.please keep writing and give us a great shot. ;) I believe , you can do better than others. Little tini tiny mistakes you have my sweet but I believe you will get over those. Me also have lots mistakes ;) haa haa haa. Still learning.Anyways, future magician keep writing. God bless you dear.




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55 Reviews


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Fri Jul 28, 2017 10:38 am
DarshayataDeka wrote a review...



Hi! Welcome to YWS!! Thought I'd drop in for a quick review.

Like LeutnantSchweinehud, I, too was surprised on seeing that the work has been rated 18+. I mean, Mario is our childhood hero and besides, I found nothing indecent or offensive here. It can be rated for everyone.

Moving on, this is the first fanfiction I am reviewing here at YWS. I guess it is kind of ok.

Since myjaspercat has already pointed out the major grammatical flaws, I guess there is no need for me to repeat them again. Other than those mistakes, there were no flaws in the construction of the story. My only complaint is that it was a tad too short.

Now moving to the actual content of the story. I guess whatever you wrote was cute and all, but it could have been more interesting. You could make the story more detailed and realistic, unless, of course, you want to keep it short and simple on purpose. Anyways, whatever you wrote was written well in an apt manner. From your avatar, I believe you are a fan of Mario and his gang and your admiration shines well through this work.I believe it has a great potential and if developed in the right way, it will be an amusing and entertaining read. Not bad at all for a first literary work. Looking forward to more such works from you. Keep writing, buddy!




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52 Reviews


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Fri Jul 28, 2017 8:59 am



Why is it rated for mature content? For a minute, I was afraid you'd defile Mario and destroy my childhood memories. Now I'm left confused...




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252 Reviews


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Thu Jul 27, 2017 11:13 pm
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myjaspercat wrote a review...



Hey there UndertoadLuigi1,
Myjaspercat here to leave some sort of review.

Line-by-Line/Nit-Picks

Mario was walking with his brother when he noticed a hurt female human, "Heya "Heya" should be lowercased since you never ended the line before the dialogue. bro I would add a comma here I'll catch up later."

"Alright Mario be careful." Luigi said with a nod You need commas before and after Mario

Mario walked up the girl and held out his hand, "You okay?""You" should be lowercased

The girl blushed and took his hand nodding slightly, "Not reallycomma here but yeah thanks." "Not" should also be lowercased

"No problem, I'm Mario."

"Oh uhComma here I'm Mallard, but you can call me Mal."

"Its nice to meet you Mal, welcome to the underground by the way."

She smiled happily and nodded, "Thank you for having me, do you think you can show me around?" "Thank" should be lowercased


Overall
So, for the most part, there isn't much for me to go off of. This piece was really short and I saw little to no development in the plot. For one, you mentioned that this girl was hurt, but then you don't give us how she's hurt so your readers cant really connect to her and therefore have nothing to make us want to know about her. The dialogue is stiff and boring and you basically tell us everything; feelings, actions, thoughts, sights, etc... I hope this isn't the only part to the story and even if it is you should really go back and work on it. The emotions were flat, the dialogue stiff and the prose boring. That's not good.

Also, just so you're aware, there a few words that are links. I don't know why, but I would suggest fixing that.

Anyway, I don't mean to offend you or anything. If you have questions feel free to ask. Good luck and continue writing.




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10 Reviews


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Thu Jul 27, 2017 10:34 pm
EmPanda15 wrote a review...



I liked this part of your fanfiction, and you should keep writing.
The dialogue is a little dry, and you did miss a couple of comas, such as in the dialogue, "Not really, but yeah thanks," and "Oh uh I'm Mallard, but you can call me Mal." I just feel that if you have a character stuttering, then you should really dig into that with your dialogue.
If you described the characters with more intense detail, I would be more interested in the story. For example, if you wanted to create a spark between two characters, you could create a little awkward suspense by writing in silence and one staring into another's eyes, including more detail that way.





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