When I was younger, I looked up to my older cousin. She was my greatest influence. Though only 13, she was wise beyond her years. Always a fan of the Asian culture, she would tell me stories and legends of great warriors and spirit animals. But on day, she told me something that would stick with me forever.
Why this, I don't know, but It gives me hope. Gives me something to believe in, She told me "Aubree, look up at the sky. What do you see? Clouds, right? Well, those aren't clouds. They are the Great Koi. Spirit Koi. They watch over every one of us. When they're light, it means their happy. When it snows, that means they're at the pinnicle of happiness." I looked up at her in disbelife.
"So why are they so far up in the sky?" I asked her. She looked up longingly at the dark grey sky, and said these words: "We don't really know, to be honest. My guess is because they're stuck, forever wandering around the whole world. When we die, we become one. These are all our ancestors." I looked up with her, and watched the 'koi' move elegantly through the sky.
Years later, I watched my grandmother on her deathbed, my cousin next to me. She was in tears, breaking more and more every second. By that time, she was in College. I was just in 8th grade.
"Hey, Jordynn. Remember when I was little and you used to tell me all those stories?" I ask her. She nods.
"Do you remember the one about the Koi in the sky? Do you remember?" She nods.
"Stop crying, Jordynn. Remember what you told me. She's just going to become one of them, she'll just watch over us from way up there with Grandpa. Don't cry." Then, out of nowhere, she pulls me into her arms.
"Bree, never stop believing in that. It's all for the best. It's all for the best."
The last years of her life, I sat there with her, reminding her of the things she told me. For her 72nd birthday, I bought her a powder blue Koi.
"This is for you. Remember the Koi story? Well, this is gonna be you some day. Beautiful. Elegant. Perfect." I tell her. She took it and put it in the tank with her other Koi. They all gathered around it,examinin the strange creature..
"You always believed, didn't you, Bree? Thank you. You've shown me." She says quietly.
"What...what are you saying?" she closes her eyes, and breathes in deeply.
"My time here is done, Aubree. You've shown me my meaning, You."
"You can't go like this, Jordynn! You can't, I won't let you!" I speed walk over to hold herin my arms, but by the time I'm close enough, she starts to evaporate into glowing blue orbs, from toe to head. Slowly.
"Goodbye, sweetheart. Remember. Always believe." And then, she's gone.
I run outside to look at the sky, swirled with purples, blues, yellows, grays, and whites. I can finally see what I never could, the tails of the koi in the sky, weaving through the atmosphere. Finally, I catch eye of a beautiful blue one, swimming toward me. The word resounded though the sky, only to be heard by me. Never would I have believed what she said to be true, it was so ignorant and naive at the same time, so foolish. She taught me to believe. Live. Prosper.
"Believe"
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141,616 Literary Works • 675,169 Reviews
Quite dramatic. I like the concept and the idea of the Koi. I've always enjoyed Asian culture and I find it quite interesting how you've linked that to a fantasty.
But. I find it quite twee. You can tell from the time shift that she will die and her 'Koi clouds'. I also think that the story could be slightly better linked, its seem's like its two parts, but intended to be one.
But otherwise I like the portrayal of the idea!
Welld done
This story is positively adorable. And beautiful, I might add. The structure and flow of your story is really what's hindering this, and I think it's because you're rushing. The first reviewer has a longer post with some pointers, so I won't go into detail too much; I'll just say that you'll really want to pace this. The general story, however, is soo endearing. It deserves to be longer. People will have the patience to read it, believe me. Maybe it's just the fact that you mentioned Asian culture and everything, but the whole time I was thinking that it had a "Spirited Away" or "Howl's Moving Castle" vibe, which I love! But I felt like the beginning felt too much like an opening for an essay, and it felt a little distant emotionally because of that.
Keep editing and adding more to this, and you'll have a great piece.
So hey, saw your short and decided to give reviewing a go. Except from some misspelled things that I can forgive you I'd like to give you some pointers on flowyness. From time to time it seems like you couldn't find the right words. So take a look:
But on X day, she told me something that would stick with me forever.
I've inserted an X here, as it seems to miss the word: one. You might like to change that.
When it snows, that means they're at the <pinnacle> of happiness." I looked up at her in <disbelief.>
Just typo's here, no further comment on that.
She was in tears, breaking more and more every second. By that <At the> time, she was in College.
You might like to change "By that" in to "At the", you seem to be telling it in retrospect so this would sound better in this part.
"Hey, Jordynn. Remember when I was little and you used to tell me all those stories?" I <asked> her. She <nodded>.
Again, just typos.
"Stop crying, Jordynn. Remember what you told me. She's just going to become one of them, she'll just watch over us
Maybe change this into: She will. Dropping the second "just" all together.
The last years of her life, I sat there with her, reminding her of the things she told me.
I'd recommend: by her side
They all gathered around it, examining the strange creature..
Who are "they"?
"My time here is done, Aubree. You've shown me my meaning, You."
The "you" here seems out of place, please elaborate it's function here.
"You can't go like this, Jordynn! You can't, I won't let you!" I speed walk over to hold her in my arms, but by the time I'm close enough, she starts to evaporate into glowing blue orbs, from toe to head. Slowly.
The "speed walk" here, I believe you meant "rush" or "rushed over". Also the "toe to head" It is far more pleasant to read of it said "head to toe"
Also I'd rephrase this sentence as:
I run outside to look at the sky, swirled with purples, blues, yellows, grays, and whites. I can finally see
I'd change run to it's past-tense, ran.
[b]She taught me to believe. Live. Prosper./b]
This sentence looks broken and would sound better if you would change it among the lines of:
Besides those things, in overall I'd advice to read it out loud to get a better grasp on what you are trying to tell the reader. Also pay some extra attention to the way you're telling the story, in a way of Present or Past as this seems to be shifting through the story itself. It makes it quite confusing at certain points.
I hope I have been of help to you and besides the points that I lifted out for you I like the whole read. Don't be discouraged in anyway and keep on writing!