Young Writers Society

Wow. I'm Pix, and this peice is just...terrific.

I love how you expressed emotions in here,and love how some of the words had an 'y' at the end of the lines to make it like- "Oh! She added a 'y'!"

I really love this. But, I didn't really like the way you started with a captial letter and then the next time was lowercase. It kind of confused me.

Other then that, it was amazing! Great job!

~Pixie

Hey! What are you, some new kid? This is awesome! I'm glad you've arrived, 'cause I wanna be the one to say I knew you when your first work was "Creaking Caress" and after a lot of blood and sweat you made it big.

I love the evocation of an inanimate object right away, but your choice to use words that are, after all, people-performed actions, which brings not only personality to the possible inanimate object, but a level of "object" to the possible person. We have two ways this could go, and you never tell us for sure, so we're left in a really nice middle ground.

I'd have to say, though, definitely cut down on the ellipses! There's no need. They remind me way too much of my mom or another middle aged parent saying something and then not following that train of thought. They're not mysterious, if that's what you wanted to get at, and worst of all, they take away from the strength of your words by making it seem you're unsure what you want to say. Let the periods get the focus BACK on your words and less on the space beyond them -- that silence.

I mean, I do want to say that it's really cool that you never evoke the actual action of the music, but rather the possibility. So you keep us in this feeling that the harp (or whatever) CAN play, but is right now waiting for the care taker to fix her up so she can, and she's kind of begging the caretaker with her potential to see to it that she does get fixed. She can tell him exactly what's wrong with her, and exactly what she can do, but she can't help herself. It's a really powerful place to put a speaker, my friend, and that's awesome that you've accessed that location.

The punctuation needs a little work beyond the ellipses. Also, you don't need to capitalize at the beginning of every line, but just the beginning of every sentence, just like prose. I guess it's up to you in the long run, but I'd put it like this:

Caress my creaking strings.
They come untuned so easily.
I know songs of water, of blood,
and I can sing for fifty.

Reset the loom so heavy,
for my cloth is fraying quickly.
Every strand is losing color,
and all my fibers, breaking.

Let me bring you beauty;
It fades away so steeply,
but I know songs of water and blood
and I am yours completely.

This reminded me of an exercise in a class where we had to modernize John Donne's works. Whilst this is not at the same level of Donne's sonnets (for example) and not a sonnet at all, it nevertheless was a delightful read.

There are two conceits present, and both intertwined rather pleasantly at the end, with a nod towards the first one as bookends. More than the conceits, or verse pattern, though the theme of love was what really reminded me of Donne.

I particularly liked the nod towards physical beauty, the ravages of time and other forms of beauty, which included two motifs for life and vitality (blood, water).

It was elegant, sweet and I enjoyed the word choice.

This is sweet. It's pretty simple and the concept is nothing new, but I quite like it all the same. The rhythm and flow of this throughout is quite steady and melodic, and it works really well for the imagery that you've set up. Overall I really don't have a lot to say about this piece, but it was nice to read.

Keep writing, and best wishes. xx