Warning: This work has been rated 16+.
Captain John Haus sat at the front of the submarine; gripping the controls as if his life
depended on it. The ocean seemed to stretch endlessly outside the window. What had once been
a canvas of relaxing blues now became a desolate void, a vast expanse of darkness that seemed
to swallow the vessel whole as it descended further and further. The pressure outside kept
mounting with each passing moment. Its oppressive weight bore down on all sides of the
submarine with what seemed like an invisible force. John’s nerves were on high alert. He could
hear every creak and groan of the hull echoing through the confined space. He couldn't shake the
feeling of unease off his mind. It continued to gnaw on the edge of his consciousness. His
instincts screamed at him, warning him of the dangers lurking below.
The crackle of the radio broke the silence, startling John from his reverie. “Hey John,
you’re doing great so far. You’re almost at the nine-kilometer mark. Hang tight,” reassured a
voice over the static-filled line.
The radio went silent, casting John into solitude once again. As his unease grew, he
glanced around the interior of the submarine. He noticed the rust, which seemed to be spread
throughout the ship. The rust only served as a reminder of its age and decay. Abruptly, the radio
hissed to life once more, pulling him back to the present moment.
“You hit the nine-kilometer mark. How’s the hull, John?” A voice crackled through the
speakers, breaking the silence.
“The hull's feeling it, Doc, but it’s still holding strong,” John replied, keeping his voice
steady despite the tension twisting in the pit of his stomach.
“Okay, good. Now I need you to close the blast shields.”
“Wait, why?”
“The window can only withstand so much pressure before it breaks. The blast shields
make sure you don’t drown.”
“But Doc, how am I gonna see where the hell I’m going?”
“There’s a camera mounted outside. You can access it in your ship.”
Reluctantly, John complied, reaching across the navigation panel to press a button. As he
held it, the blast shields gradually crept up the front window, emitting a painful screech as metal
scraped against metal. John winced at the sound. It was just another reminder of the crude
fashion the ship was built in. One last bang, and the shielding was fully closed. With the front
window sealed shut, John had no visuals to work with, except for an old video camera mounted
on the front of the ship. Even then, the feed from the camera went static every few seconds. He
wished he had a clear view of outside, but he knew he had no choice. Without the blast shields,
the pressure outside would crush him with no remorse.
“Okay John, this next step is important, you got that?” The doctor said.
“I’m listening,” John answered.
“Great. The sub uses as minimal power use as possible. Most of the power goes to the
engines already. The rest either goes to the cameras or to the radio. Both can’t be used at the
same time, okay John?”
“What do you mean they can’t be used at the same time?”
“Using both at the same time would drain the power. You’d be left with nothing.”
“You’re kidding me. The hells up with this cheap sub you got me in?”
“Trust me, I tried asking for more. My sponsors refused to bargain. I was still able to get
enough to make a sub that works.”
“You need better sponsors, Doc. Anything else before I go silent?”
“Yes. Turn the mic back on only if you need to resurface or you have an emergency.
Unlikely you will, though.”
“Got it. Signing off.”
John reached over the front panel and turned off the radio. Well, that’s it then I guess, he
thought to himself. With a heavy sigh, he slouched down into his chair, resigning himself back to
his isolation. He was all alone, cast into the depths of the ocean, sealed in a steel coffin thousands
of miles from civilization. John couldn't help but feel a sense of isolation that bordered on the
line of existential dread. The only sounds that accompanied him were the creaks and groans of
the hull under immense stress, sounds which kept reminding John of the miserable environment
in which he found himself in.
In a matter of moments, the submarine reached the bottom of the sea, coming to a stop
just short of the ocean floor. The navigation panel, which sat right in front of John, started to spit
out a message. As it did so, it casted an eerie green glow from its screen. John glanced at the
panel as his mission parameters came into focus. He read the task displayed on the screen:
navigate the ship across the seabed and map the surroundings. It was a task that seemed simple
enough to John, but his instincts told him otherwise.
As the dim glow of the navigation panel cast long shadows across the cramped cockpit,
John’s sense of unease only grew. Despite his instincts screaming at him to turn back the way he
came, John was determined to see his mission through to the end.
I can do this, he thought to himself, trying to push aside the fear twisting his gut. I have
to. Getting it done means I can cover Allie’s medical bills.
John, determined to finish his mission as quickly as possible, grasped the rightmost
joystick in front of him and pushed it forward. The engine, in return, hummed to life. Following
the engine, the submarine’s propellers gradually spun faster and faster, propelling the ship
forward into the void.
The tension only kept growing as he guided the submarine into the darkness. John
grabbed a hold of his stopwatch and glanced at the timer, noting it had been an hour since his
mission began. A sense of unease began settling over John again, like a suffocating shroud.
It was then that he heard something: something audible over the hum of the machinery.
Something was moving, something outside the submarine.
“What the hell was that?” John muttered to himself, his heart pounding in his chest as he
hurried over to the video feed. But as he checked the footage, he saw nothing but the barren
expanse of the ocean floor.
John, in order to escape his paranoia, came up with excuse after excuse to explain the
sound he heard. He finally came up with a reason. It was probably just the ship acting up again,
he thought. He dismissed it and went back to work.
It wasn’t long after when he heard it again. But this time, it seemed closer than before. He
kept making more and more excuses. But deep down, he couldn't shake the feeling that he wasn’t
alone, that something was hiding just beyond the reach of his senses.
An alert from the navigation panel jolted John from his reverie. The submarine’s oxygen
meter flashed, demanding his attention. His heart sank as he read the message: the submarine’s
oxygen levels were dangerously low. He needed to resurface as soon as possible.
But before he could act, something struck the side of the vessel, throwing John back
against the wall. The violent force rendered John out of breath. Desperation clawed at John's
chest as he fought to catch his breath. The strike seemed to leave John in a better condition
compared to the sub. The lights flashed and the alarm blared. He managed to scurry towards the
navigation panel and turn on the radio, his hands shaking as he attempted to contact the doctor.
“Doc, can you hear me!” John called out.
“John? What’s going on? Are you okay?” The doctor questioned.
“Something just crashed into me! The controls are all off! I need to get back to the
surface now! Please, do something!” The doctor didn’t respond to his call at first. “Come on,
help!” John cried out.
“Okay,” the doctor responded. “Here’s what I need you to do...”
“... There should be an option on your panel to view the damage report. Click it and tell
me what it says.”
“Okay... it says the power was severed to the control system.” John read aloud.
“Good. Means it’s fixable. I need you to head to the back of the ship towards the
engines.”
The alarm echoed through the metallic hull, sparks flying, as John got up from the floor
and scurried over to the reactor.
“Okay, I’m there! What now?”
“You should see a large red tube. It’s the wire to the backup engine. Is it plugged into
anything?”
“I see it. It’s not plugged in!”
“Plug it into the socket. You’ll redirect some back-up power back to the control systems.”
John grabbed the heavy wire and plugged it into the socket. After doing so, he rushed
towards the control panel. The control panel showed that power was restored.
“It worked, Doc!” John shouted.
“Great. Now make sure to check the feed,” the doctor ordered. “Make sure the ship’s not
in danger before you head back up.”
John turned the feed back on. He expected to see nothing but the barren expanse of the
ocean floor. His breath, however, was caught in his throat as he beheld a sight that filled him
with existential dread.
As John stared at the darkness, all he saw was the distorted face of the creature, its
malevolent gaze filled with an intelligence which bested his own. It wasn’t just looking at the
vessel. It was staring at John himself, straight into his soul. It knew he was inside. John’s blood
ran cold, and his knees buckled from the realization that he wasn’t, in fact, alone. Something was
stalking him this entire time. He could do nothing but crawl back and stare at the monitor in
dread. Those unrecognizable shapes, swirling in the darkness, distorted and grotesque, their
movements defying all logic and reason, would never leave John’s mind. The deep hum grew
louder, their otherworldly quality filling the cramped confines of the submarine with a sense of
hopelessness that was almost palpable.
His migraine came back in full force. The information of what he witnessed was too
much for him, leaking through the cracks in his brain, and John could feel his mind losing
control. “No! Please! Please not now!” He begged. He realized he was now at the mercy of
whatever lurked in the darkness outside.
As the pressure kept mounting in his mind, John felt powerless. All he could do now was
brace himself for the inevitable. The last thing he saw before everything went dark was the face
of the creature, one which left John to his demise.
The video feed went static, the screen flickering with interference as the doctor turned off
the monitor. His colleague sat nearby, his face pale and his hands trembling as he tried to process
what they’ve just witnessed.
“What even is that thing?” the colleague asked, his voice barely above a whisper.
The doctor’s expression was unreadable as he stared at the blank screen. “I'm not quite
sure,” he said quietly. “But one thing’s for certain: we need more data.”
“More data?” the colleague asked, his disbelief evident in his tone.
“Yes, more data,” the doctor said, his voice filled with a sense of grim determination.
“The ocean has revealed its secrets to us, secrets that need to be understood. And now it is in our
duty to find the truth. Until we fully understand what we're exactly dealing with, there will be
more accidents we’ll deal with. It's a price we must pay.”
“But...haven't enough people died already?” the colleague protested, his voice trembling
with fear. “How many more innocents have to be sacrificed? At this point, we’re just feeding the
damn thing!”
The doctor paused, before turning slowly towards his colleague, his face baring a
malicious smirk. “That’s the point.”
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
I was gripped throughout the entire story.
The thing I noticed myself enjoying the most was the ways in which you expressed the emotions of the characters involved especially with John.
The characters themselves were well fleshed out even though we only had a limited experience of each but it was an experience.
John seems like your typical protagonist who has just enough of a character not to be bland but flexibility in how us as the reader can perceive them. We could view John as a guy who greatly cares for his family and is willing to do anything to pay for what they need or as someone willing to take risky shortcuts without care for what he could lose.
The Doc was a very well done twist villain that I didn't see coming. You can really see his ability to manipulate his I guess victims through again the very precise use of dialouge. He is a character that could very easily be expanded on in a longer piece of work.
The colleague was the least developed but they didn't really need to be for the role that they played in exposing the true nature of the Doc to us.
The creature is left mysterious in a way that their role could go in a number of directions moving forward but does the job of making the reader realise what John is up against especially with the line "As John stared at the darkness, all he saw was the distorted face of the creature, its malevolent gaze filled with an intelligence which bested his own".
Finally for the characters we get to the sub its self which i view as a character in this story. The sub is well described for the most part and the poor construction makes a lot of sense given the twist of the Doc. If the Doc performs these tests with multiple people seeing the sub as a recurring character would be great.
As for improvements I'd suggest describing the reactor in detail would add a lot to the situation we are watching John in as well as give the sub more heart so to say. As the Doc was telling John how to do certain things I found myself asking "Wait why wasn't John trained before doing this risky mission?". I see this may just be from the Docs ill intent but surely John would want some training before attempting this?
In the end the story kept my attention and I enjoyed reading it. Would be interested to see if you continue this plot line or go for something new completely. This was my first ever review so feel free to discount it.
Hi, I’m Toast and I’m here to give a quick review of this short story you’ve concocted.
I’ll be writing my thoughts as I’m reading so my opinions might change as the story progresses. Enough digressing, let’s get into the horror shall we?
This sentence really adds to the atmosphere and the claustrophobic tension you’re building. So far, this heavily gives me iron lung (the game) vibes and I’m all here for it!
Wow, this really is setting up the seen, as if it’s a tutorial to a video game. The story has me hooked so far, and as far as I can tell, there isn’t any major (or any: grammatical mistakes!
Giving John motivation for going to this deep and scary place really helps build sympathy to him with the readers, and a sense that he’s more than just a character. I would’ve loved a bit more backstory here and there, but as this is a short story, I understand and you did a great job implementing it here.
Now these, as I read the sentences before and after it, really cemented the lovecraftian horror of a creature you have created outside of this submarine.
Ohh, a twist villain. The doctor knew that John was going to die all along. This added more despair and lack of hope to John’s ultimate fate of demise. It’s sad and gruesome but I’m here for it!
Overall, this was an excellent read and I really enjoyed it. To be honest, I did think it lacked a teeny bit of originality, and rather than a creation that was entirely yours, it felt like a creation that was inspired (not that I’m saying that’s a bad thing. Inspiration is almost always awesome.) However, tropes exist for a reason, and even thought this piece is inspired (I’m so sorry if it wasn’t TwT) the writing was still amazing.
I’m definitely looking forward to reading more from you, so review, write, and share the love! btw Welcome to YWS, and always keep writing!