I can’t sleep. It’s been a week that I can’t sleep. It’s… weird. Every time I manage to fall asleep, at the start, but after a few hours I find myself awake, in my room, with absolutely no reason to be awake. It’s always at one in the morning and every time without fail, something’s moved place. I’m sure something has moved. When I told my friend, Marie, about it, she had said: No Sylvie, you probably moved it before you fell asleep and forgot about it. Another possibility is that you haven’t gotten enough sleep and this is a result of that. I’m sure I’m right. I really am. I think taking a walk will clear my head. I’ll go to the park, that’ll help me sleep
***
It took us ten minutes to get here, most of it was spent convincing Marie to come along
.
“Exactly why are we here?”, she asks.
“Because I wanna take a walk and I’d rather have someone with me.” I reply.
“ If I go through with joining you, it will be a short walk, right?”
“Yes, yes, I promise.”
During our walk feel as though something is staring at me.It feels like the trees have… eyes? I don’t know how to describe it. I know I’m probably being paranoid and if I tell Marie I know she’ll say just that.
I tell her anyway.
“Is it just me or does something feel wrong with the trees?”, I ask.
“Nope, you’re probably imagining it. Like with the things moving in your room.”, she says.
But I know that… What do I know? Nothing, absolutely nothing. I do know that there is something wrong with this park, and that we’re going in circles. I’m sure we have passed the same tree at least four times. To prove my point, I take a fallen stick and draw a triangle in the dirt. If I’m right, I’ll see it again. We continue to walk for a few minutes and then I see it. The triangle! It’s there! I’m right! I’m actually right!
“Marie, we’re turning in circles! Here’s the proof!”, I point towards the drawing I made.
“What? There’s nothing there. You know what? We’re going home, you are lacking so much sleep to the point that you are seeing things!” she yells.
I turn to look at the triangle and… it’s not… there? No… No! It was there! I know it was there! Marie starts to leave. I don’t want her to leave me alone here. She turns on a corner and I start to follow. When I turn the corner, she’s nowhere to be seen. Did she… disappear? No that’s impossible. Was she ever really there to begin with? An unknown voice whispers in my ear. I – I don’t even know anymore. I start to run. There’s fog everywhere now and the forest is watching me. Am I entertainment for some messed up prank? Is this a joke? The forest sees everything, my mistakes and my fear. I’m scared, I’m so, so scared. I’m leaving. I don’t understand what happens next but suddenly I’m on the ground. Did I trip? I can’t- No that’s not it, I don’t want to get up. And now I’m tired. So tired. I wanted to sleep, and now, I can.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,020 Literary Works • 672,738 Reviews
this was really intriguing, i like your opening. sleep deprivation can really mess with a persons mind so it's makes a great premise for supernatural or paranormal stories. i also like how that carries through the entire piece. when i read this i could really feel the dread of not knowing if what you're seeing is reality combined with the exhaustion of sleep deprivation.
i also liked the 'i tell her anyway' line, the deadpan was very humorous.
that said there were a few things that caught my attention while reading. after the intro you jump forward in time with a 'took me ten minutes to get there' (which should probably be 'it took me ten minutes'). this is completely fine but it seems like you then jumped back in time to tell us about sylvie trying to convince marie to come with her. when you put it in this order it can get a bit confusing as to if they're already at the park or not, so i'd recommend either switching up the order or clarifying a bit.
secondly you wrote 'i'm leaving here' which sounds a bit unnatural. i'd recommend trimming it to 'i'm leaving' for better flow.
other than that this was a very fun, interesting story. great job :3
glad you like it, the "took me ten minutes to get there" is a typo i didn't catch lol. There was supposed to be it in front. I am a bit unsure what was confusing about the convincing part so if you could help me understand where it off i would appreciate that. thank you once again!
yeah sorry, that part was a bit awkwardly worded on my end. i think what i meant was that the order of things kind of made me stumble over the timeline a bit. it's not wrong to say 'it took me ten minutes to get there. most of it was spent convincing marie to come along' but after a timeskip like that the first sentence is the foundation on which the reader builds up this new scene you're presenting, so tiny things can sometimes get amplified to some people. you don't have to change anything if you don't want to, but if you wanted i would recommend either switching the order to something like 'i tried to convince marie to come with me for most of the ten minute walk to the park' so the reader arrives at the same time as the girls, combining the sentences with a comma or just switching the 'me' for an 'us' to solidify that both girls are present
ahh I see. looking on it it does seem a bit confusing so I get what you're saying. do you think " it took us ten minutes to get here and before that, I spent a lot of time spent trying to convince Marie to come along" would be a better way of putting it?
it does make the timeline clearer but it's slightly clunky, i'd recommend removing one of the 'spent' to avoid repetition. personally i think the clearest and cleanest version is keeping your original phrasing if you change the 'me' to 'us'
oh my gosh i didn't notice i put it there twice ToT So if i changed it to just "It took us ten minutes to get here, most of it was spent convincing Marie to come along. " would still make some more sense?
yeah at least in my opinion
alright, thank you so much for your help! i'm so sorry about the weird typos, for some reason my brain no longer works when typing <.<
haha no worries
Wow this is really good. Quick question about this part (I can’t sleep. It’s been a week that I can’t sleep. It’s… weird. Every time I manage to fall asleep, at the start, but after a few hours I find myself awake, in my room, with absolutely no reason to be awake. It’s always at one in the morning and every time without fail, something’s moved place. I’m sure something has moved. When I told my friend, Marie, about it, she had said: No Sylvie, you probably moved it before you fell asleep and forgot about it. Another possibility is that you haven’t gotten enough sleep and this is a result of that. I’m sure I’m right. I really am. I think taking a walk will clear my head. I’ll go to the park, that’ll help me sleep) do you really experience it because I do and was wondering if it really was just me not getting enough sleep. anyway, this literally ate. Can't wait to read more ty for great writing my friend.
I have had a similar experience. On occasion I have woken up to find my door opened when it was closed and my slippers that were on opposite ends of my room next to eachother in front of my bed and a couple other instances. It's honestly so weird so it's not just you. (I think I'm sleepwalking or something I'm not sure)
lol fr
This is my first time commenting, but this is a very nice story! Keep going
Hello there, human! I'm reviewing using the YWS S'more Method today!
Shalt we commence with the macabre S’more?
Top Graham Cracker - Sylvie cannot sleep. And when she does, something is always moved. She tells Marie what happens but Marie doesn’t believe her. It gets to a point where Marie abandons Sylvie in the park and then, Sylvie falls asleep. But will she ever wake up?
Slightly Burnt Marshmallow - I have no recommendations to make as of right now, but if you would like to edit this, then you may.
Chocolate Bar - I love how the ending is written, it feels chilling, foreboding, and truly lonely. Sylvie trusted her friend Marie enough to tell her about what was happening, but Marie still left her. I feel like this story symbolizes what it’s like to feel like there is nobody left to help you and then falling to death. The ending makes me think that Sylvie was going to die and the forest is her afterlife. Little things that are out of order mean the paranormal is getting closer.
Closing Graham Cracker - Overall, a delightfully eerie short story about a living forest! I enjoyed reading this and I will be sure to read other stories that you might post. And so now…
I wish you a glorious day/night! ^v^
edit: please ignore this i made a mistake ToT