Beware that there is mentions of death/ dying, blood and grief just so you know.
"Would you still love me if i was a rock?" she had asked.
"Why would you be a rock Ava?" I had told her
She was found dead in the forest the next day.
No one knows what happend. The funeral was the day after she was found. It was raining. Of course it was. The skies wept for as I did. I couldn't say anything for a week. Every time I tried to open my mouth i would just start sobbing or worse, nothing would come out. I looked like I didn't care. But I do. I tried to get it looked into but the police said there was nothing they could do. They figured she slipped and fell off a hill. There was dirt all over her when they found her, when I found her. I was the one who noticed her in the distance. We searched for her the moment we realized she hadn't come home that night. She was always careful. Paranoid too. She would have never fallen like that. Someone had to be involved. Her parents told me to stop trying to figure it out. They said that they knew I cared, and that was enough. I'm going to find who did it, and make them pay for what they have removed from this world. From my world. I should start with the forest, that's where she last was.
***
It was a long walk to get here. My mom wouldn't let me take the car. The argument - If you could call it that- went something like this,
" You're in no state to drive Evangeline!" she had yelled.
"Fine then. I'll walk." I said.
"Eva! Get back here now!"
That's what she used to call me, Ava would, I mean. It was the nickname she had picked out for me. After she had given me that nickname it's all she would call me. Never my full name. It's simple I know, but I didn't have one before that. She was the first one to call me that. Mom knew what she was doing when she called me that. I think she did it to get me to stop walking away. That was the first time she called me that, and she used it to try to manipulate me into staying.
Something flashes in the corner of my eye. It stops my current train of thought and brought me back to the forest. I see it again, on my left now. It a green dress. It looks exactly like Ava's green dress. I walk towards it, leaving the trail as I do. I see blonde hair, pale skin, and her dress. It's, it's Ava! I start to run after her. I call after her.
"Ava! Ava, Wait!" I yell.
The only thing I get in response is her bright laugh. She always was like the sun. Bright and happy. She was kind too.
Ava continues to run. I try to catch up to her. Every time I get near she runs faster. I stop. So does she.
"Ava please..." I plead. It comes out soft and broken. I think my voice cracks.
She starts to walk away again. Please don't leave me here. Please don't.
"Please Ava, don't go! Don't leave me here! I'm so alone without you. I'm scared." The last part comes out as a whisper. My admission feels wrong to say out loud.
"What did I do to make you run from me?" I ask.
"This is your fault, Evangeline" she says.
"What?"
"You're the reason i'm dead"
" I know, I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry." I admit.
It is my fault. I should have walked with her. I should have paid attention. It should be me in her position. I should be dead, not her. It's my fault. This is all my fault. I blink and then there's blood on her. Pouring out of her neck, staining her dress. She looks like how we found her now. I try to stop the blood. But it keeps coming out. Why does it keep coming out? There's blood on my hands but when I try to put pressure on it my hand goes through.
"This is all your fault." she says but it's distorted.
She suddenly dissapears. I try to remember her face. I can't. What does she look like? Her eyes are, green? No, they're blue? I'm not sure anymore. She blinks back into existence. Running down that hill. The very same one she was found at the bottom of. I try to run after her, I want to save her. I
"Wait! Stop! You'll just fall again!" I yell. But my cries fall upon deaf ears.
So I run to try and grab her. I try to keep my footing and grab her but my arms go through her once more and I slip. I'm falling. I'm falling just as she did. Am I taking her place now? Am I finally getting what I deserve? To take her place so that she can live. I roll, and roll, and roll until, everything stops. I see her look down on me. The blood is gone now. She smiles at me but there's something wrong about it. That's when the world goes dark and I know I have taken her place as my own.
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,734 Reviews
Hai :3
I'm not a big prose-y person, but I found this to be so eerie and tragic!! I love how it starts almost like a joke, with that “would you still love me if I was a rock?” question, and then immediately twists into something more devastating. That opening line works so well because it feels innocent, even silly, but after Ava dies, it becomes loaded with dread ~~ Like, suddenly “rock” makes me think of the forest, the hill, the ground, the dirt on her body, the place where she was found. That’s such a good horror seed to plant early!!
This is such a sharp turn!! I love the bluntness of it. There’s no warning, no soft transition, just this horrible drop. It mirrors grief really well, honestly, like the narrative voice already knew her fate in some way. One second something is normal, and the next second the whole world has split open. The simplicity makes it hit harder. The narrator’s grief feels really intense, too!! I love that she is not just sad, but she is desperate for an answer. The line about looking like she didn’t care because nothing would come out is so painfully real. Grief does that sometimes!! That part made Evangeline feel very human to me.
Oh my, this detail is so good!!
The Ava/Eva nickname connection is probably my favorite emotional connectoom in the whole piece. It makes their relationship feel intimate without needing a huge explanation. It’s simple, but it carries so much weight because names are personal!! Ava gave Evangeline a smaller, softer version of herself, and then the mom using that name feels almost invasive ~~ I LOVE that Evangeline recognizes it as manipulation. It shows how grief makes even familiar things feel hostile.
^^^ I’d honestly love to see you lean into that more. Ava and Eva are so close as names that there’s this uncanny doubling happening already, and the ending literally has Evangeline “taking her place.” That could be such a powerful motif if you threaded it through the story more. Like, did Ava ever joke about how similar their names were? Did Evangeline ever feel like Ava made her more herself? That would make the ending even more devastating.
:eyes: Now things are getting serious!!
The green dress appearing in the forest is such a classic ghost-story image, but it works because it’s personal. She’s not seeing some random figure; she’s seeing a version of Ava that her grief wants so badly to be real!! Anyone would be tempted by something that reminds them of a loved one, so I understand where this idea stemmed from. I love that she leaves the trail, too. It’s such a small action, but it tells us everything about her state of mind at the time. She’s stepping away from safety, logic, the living world, all because she sees Ava in something.
The chase scene is really strong as well!! Ava laughing while running away feels so wrong in the best way. Earlier, Evangeline describes her as bright and sunlike, but in the forest that brightness turns uncanny ~~ It’s like memory is betraying her, and she's not quite sure how to feel about it. Ava’s laugh should be comforting, but here it becomes bait to lure someone in. That is SO horror-coded and I adore it, especially in the context of their dynamic together.
This line hurts, but I do wonder if it could be made even more haunting by being less direct? The guilt is already so present that Ava saying it outright basically tells us what we already know. Maybe she could say something that sounds like Ava, but twisted that it still gets the point across. Something connected to the rock question, or the nickname, or the walk home... Anything of that nature!! Like, something intimate that only Evangeline would understand. That might make the accusation feel more personal and less straightforward. How else can you show their closeness and the horror of this scene?
The blood scene is super effective, though. Her hands going through Ava while she tries to save her is heartbreaking!! That image captures the whole tragedy: Evangeline wants to fix what already happened, but she literally cannot touch it anymore. Ugh. That’s such a good visual metaphor for grief.
This is where the story really becomes dreamlike, and I enjoy it!! I love the repeated falling/rolling motion, like Evangeline is being pulled into Ava’s death instead of just witnessing it. The ending has that circular nightmare feeling where the narrator thinks she’s saving someone, but she’s actually completing the pattern. It’s very tragic and ghostly!!
^^^ My biggest suggestion would be to slow down the ending just a little. The idea of Evangeline taking Ava’s place is really great, but it happens so quickly that I wanted one more sensory detail before the darkness. What does the ground feel like? Does she taste dirt? Does she hear Ava laughing above her? Does she finally remember Ava’s eye color right before everything goes black? One tiny detail could make the ending land even harder. There's so much to consider that can help us readers get more submerged in the scene!! Also, a few little technical things: “happend” should be “happened,” “dissapears” should be “disappears,” and the lowercase “i” appears a few times. Totally easy fixes!!
Overall though, this has such a strong emotional horror core!! I especially love that the “monster” might not be a person at all. That ambiguity is sooo unsettling, and it left me with a lot of questions!! Good work!! ^_^
- Payton
Hi!
Thank you for catching the typos, I will be sure to fix those later! I'm definitely going to keep your advice in mind for my next stories. I'm glad you like it and that you took the time to go through the entire story feedback wise! This story was my version of the "would you still love me if I was a rock" art thing since I saw it often.
Thanks for reviewing and I hope you have a lovely day/night!
Hello there, human! I'm reviewing using the YWS S'more Method today!
Shalt we commence with the atrocious S’more?
Top Graham Cracker - Ava dies unexpectedly in a hole in the forest. Evangeline chases after what appears to be her spirit, only to hear Ava tell her that it’s all her fault right before she falls down the very same hole Ava fell in.
Slightly Burnt Marshmallow - “Finally” was spelled with two Ns instead of two Ls, but that is just one little thing.
Chocolate Bar - I like that the protagonist, Evangeline, seems to care so much about her friend that she isn’t even mad about taking Ava’s place. She just wants to help her. And the way that Ava’s cause of death was never truly answered is really chilling…and I don’t think that was Ava talking to Evangeline in the end. I think it might have been a malevolent spirit or entity or maybe even the forest itself taking the form of Ava to try and manipulate her. Maybe Ava is just gone. Or perhaps it is Evangeline’s own imagination and guilt over her death. Either way, Ava will never come back.
Closing Graham Cracker - Overall, a rather morbid short story! I enjoyed reading this and I will be sure to read your other short stories that you post! And so now…
I wish you a beautiful day/night!
Thank you! I'm glad you enjoyed reading this! I was a bit worried it got dark fast and thanks for catching that typo. The computer I was on, was set to another language so everything was bathed in red underline. You have a wonderful day/night as well!