Dusk.
The sun had finally set on the fourth day of the expedition. The small group of men and women were exhausted. Even I, the arguably most fit, had become tired of the constant walking. My uncle has not slowed down since we landed... wherever here was. The jungle was only starting to quiet now, usually it was a buzz with bird calls and animal noises. The silence was deafening however. In the quiet every little thing made you jump.
Crack.
We all spun around. I felt something in the darkness. Just beyond the suppressing black it watched us. Unmoving. Quiet. Everyone else seemed to have felt it as well. They were becoming anxious but my uncle stopped dead in his tracks which made us all stop as well, as he was in the lead. He peered intently into the shadows as he slipped off his pack. He reached in, pulled out a camera, and held it to his eye. Did he see something that we didn't? Suddenly his flash went out and the thing disappeared in an instant.
He looked excited as he quickly took the instantly printed still and inspected it.
"Jameson! Come look at this! I think we have finally got it!" he yelled out. I made my way over to him and he stuck the still in my face. I snatched the picture and scrutinized it. All I saw was trees and grass.. wait... a humanoid figure stood behind a tree, its eyes glowing ghostly white. It could have been anything, but being out here for so long made me want to believe anything. It couldn't possibly be. Though there was that shred of hope glistening in the back of my mind.
"I don't know Uncle, It could be a ape, but I just don't know." I handed the still around the group. A mixed feeling of shock, surprise and discouragement left them.
"I am positively certain that this is what we have been waiting for all of these years of searching. I knew coming out here was a good choice. I just had a good vibe!" You could tell my uncle was ecstatic. He has been searching for this supposed real creature for... well as long as I can remember... and I am nearly sixteen. He always drags me along on these crazy hunts because, well, we are all we have. Both of my parents died on a different exploration, and my uncle is my only living relative, and me his. "Pack it up guys, we are going home." That was too easy however, nothing was ever easy.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Oooh thats really good! Hahah, and that humanoid figure is pretty creepy. I liked the way you described it. It let me imagine everything that was going on.
Well, keep up the good work!
Thank you everyone. If there was one thing that I failed at in all of my stories, its with keeping the tense throughout the entire short story. Thank-you smylinG, I agree with everything you said.
, be on the look out for Ch. 1 sometime today 
I didn't realize that there was a novel section
Hey there, Ugotgerms. (By the way, I know I do.
) Anyway, I really think I like this. It has that whole sort of Jurassic Park feel. Which I'm not sure if that's even what you were really going for, but I assure you, I mean that as a compliment. You have that sense of dark adventure present. Which is great for the mood. What you really want to do is keep that mood alive so that your story has a sort of rhythm to keep up for the readers.
One thing I didn't so much like about this though was the dialogue. It seemed a tad bit stiff. You may want to work on keeping things sounding natural and smooth. It keeps the emotion more alive, and allows the reader to smoothly grasp onto the ideas of your characters. Realism is always good with adventure type stories like yours here. So I would keep good dialogue in mind. One trick I use when writing out character dialogue is to actually say what I've written myself aloud. Or at least try to imagine what I've written being said in my head. That way you'll know if it's believable or not.
I also had a few nitpicks to point out to you that I stumbled upon as I was reading through this. Here they are. Corrections in #BF0000 ">red, suggestions posted beneath quotes.
The first thing I noticed with the sentence was simply the tense of the word 'has' over 'had'. The second correction I made was simply a suggestion. It seemed like it could be read nicer if it was written this way. But it's merely a suggestion of course.
Maybe this sentence would sound smoother if you added in the word "closely" before the word "scrutinized". Again though, another suggestion.
This seemed as though it would've bee a break in thought. This is the best way I could think of to have written it.
Overall, I think this was a bit short for my taste, but it was good. It was like an opening scene that gave away the information that was needed for the reader to be able to know what was about to be going on with the story. It was short, but it was a nice prelude I think to a whole story. And other than what I've mentioned and pointed out in the length of my review, I think you're good. I don't really see anything else that could be wrong. Nice job. Keep up the good work.
Good Job! Are you going to keep writing it? I will keep reading
First let me welcome you to YWS! (First day too!)
This made me curious. I am not exactly sure where it is going or what the point of it is. (That is what makes writing great!)
I love how you use....
&
Keep writing,
~FW~
Feel free to pm me.