Tell me what you think.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
King Maxxwell knelt down to the grubby stone floor, his dead guards laid lifelessly behind him, and desperately begged Gail to spare his life. Gail was much taller and more muscular than Maxxwell. He had jet black hair, and wore chrome chain mail armor which was unusual for a warlock. You could barely see his odd attire because of the chest height mist throughout the chamber. The chamber, in the shape of an pyramid, was covered in black stones. It was ancient and the stones seemed to be rusting away and engulfed in dust.
Gail glared Maxxwell in his terror-stricken eyes and said, "I have no mercy for a worthless life like yours."
The cruel warlock began to recite Greek incantations. He pointed his battle-scarred hand at the brave heart of the king, concentrating vile energy in his palm. Gail discharged the dark energy into the heart of the king. Maxxwell was thrown toward the dusty brick wall of the faint and dusk chamber. He was dead instantly and Teslarhi emitted a villainous chuckle.
"I pity you, old fool," Teslarhi started. "your travels here in hopes of gaining my power before me are all in vain!" His laughter got louder with each chuckle.
He had brutally slain the noble king; the nation was now under his control. He gazed at his left arm to admire the power of the Gauntlet of Passilia. The name was of no importance to him. The Gauntlet was said to be the most barbarous weapon of mankind, which was the reason he traveled to this holy chamber.
The impact from Maxxwell's body and the warlock's energy had deteriorated a vital piece in the chamber's structure and flocks of debris fell from overhead. Gail acknowledged that the chamber was falling apart and he darted to the nearest exit. Whenever he spotted a ray of the sun's elegant glare he dashed for it. He finally reached the exit and jumped off of a steep cliff. He had better chances surviving the deadly fall than being easily suppressed by tons of ancient bricks. Gail's vision was blurred by the tense winds but, he could still see a luminous glow coming from the gauntlet. He suddenly halted and levitated. He sighed in great relief.
"Now, I shall inform my army and villagers of my reign.” The Gauntlet understood his words and started to pull him by the arm.
Gail eventually gained control and learned how to fly for himself.
He flew among the clouds and sun. He was anxious to start his reign over his nation and the rest of the land--this was the longest ride of his immortal life. Gail gained his immortality by ending the life of the God of the Underworld. Now Teslarhi had the service of the mightiest soldiers of the Underworld. He destroyed the keeper of the Underworld before he gained the power of the gauntlet. Since that took place the only one brave enough to stand in his way to power was King Maxxwell. He firmly believed that if he gained more power he would be able to dispose of the whole land. That is exactly what Gail is planning to do--dominate the Land.
Gail arrived at his newly acquired empire. Gail landed on the towering balcony which used to belong to King Maxxwell. He opened the glass doors and took a first step on the beautiful marvel floor of the throne room. He jaunted toward the throne and sat down. He then delicately picked up the crown which sat on a cushioned stool by the throne and placed it upon his head of black hair; he was now a king. Gail said "He was never worthy of having such luxuries."
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,008 Literary Works • 672,827 Reviews
Ok, because everyone else seems to have cleared up grammar mistakes and all that, i'd like to say: the first sentence doesn't catch me. While the rest of the story is mostly new and fresh, (although I admit I'd like some history, backstories, etc.) the first sentence leaves me wondering why I should keep reading. It makes the rest of the story seem just...less impressive.
Try out a couple different sentences and perspectives from the beginning. Something that I notice usually sounds really good in stories like this, as begginning lines, is going from outside the setting (this is in a chamber, right?) to inside. Perhaps something along the lines of "A bird sang to the harshly lit sun, it's melody intertwining with the pleas of King Iongo as he implored Teslarhi to spare his life. The king, on his knees..." Something that just takes a totally random element of the world and then weaves its insignificant place into the story usually works as a hook. Fiddle around for a while, checking the picture inside your head, and bring it into the story. Also, I'd like a little more image description.
I agree with the others, tons of potential, and a few minutes of tweaking could yield memorable results! ^_^ -Alanda
This isn't very amazing. I disagree with Aedomir it's extremely cliche. I got bored of pronoucing name and they both weighed it down. You've got more telling than showing a big mistake. Could you least come up with a better name than 'of regret'. Sounds like it has a curse. You used he too much bogging down story and lack of description leaves readers terribly perplexed. Again I repeat others why didn't he run was he hurt? Where was his guards, a king wouldn't ever go out on there own. The idea been done alot and rest leaves readers terribly unsatified. I know this is harsh, but I'm adding if ya fix all this, and turn story original angle we may see some potential.
Good luck
VSN
Heya! Sorry it took a while, I've been so pressed down with homework:
I see you've edited it based on other's suggestions, so ther's really nothing I can see from a first read *double checks* nope...
OK, grammar aside, I liked this story. You pulled it off really well considering we didn't even know these people, yet we feared for them frm the suspense.
I really liked your style too, and the story is great so far! I won't repeat what others have, I will just say:
Keep writing!
~D'Aedomir~
I very much enjoyed the idea. A weapon/armorpiece that seemed alive...very interesting! I like it!
Iongo is going to die, right? Why is he on his knees? Apparently he's a king; does he have any guards or anyone else to call for help? If he's not in his own castle, then I could understand that, but I didn't read anything that would tell me that. But even if there was no one to help him, wouldn't he try to run? Heck, If I knew someone would try to kill me, I'd be running as fast as I could toward the nearest exit, whether I knew I couldn't make it or not.
What world are these people in? Does Egypt exist in your world? If not, then just say it was shaped like a pyramid. (BTW, only Egyptian needs to be capitalized. You can lowercase pyramid. lol)
Do stones rust in your character's world?
This paragraph is a bit choppy, mate. by choppy I mean that it's segmented into so many sentances. Your reader ends each sentance after, what, seven syllables? More or less. The first two sentances were okay, but after that, it was all short. Try to vary the sentance length a bit.
First off, ditch the double hyphen, mate. I think the puncuation you're looking for is a semicolon.
Second on, no villain truly believes he is evil. Name one villain in history that truly thought himself wicked (if you can find one, please tell me). Your character will be more believable if they think what they're doing is right and your readers will hate him more if we find out how twisted his ideas of justice and righteousness are.
He gazed at his left arm to admire the power of the Gauntlet of Regret. The name was of no importance to him. The Gauntlet was said to be the most barbarous weapon of mankind, which was the reason he traveled to this holy chamber.
If you already wrote your character's name in the beginning of the paragraph, and there are no other characters featured in the same paragraph, then don't keep repeating it. It tires out your readers.
I would like a bit more description, all in all. It goes by so fast, I get confused. Slow it down a bit, and it would be great. Good work, mate!
Thanks for the advice everyone.
I really appreciate this.
Umm Im gonna make this first chapter longer some time tomorrow.
Peace.. Y (supposed to be peace sign.No one understands that)
U.Dub.
My edits in bold.
I like the story! It's cool, but the problem is the title. Way too cliche. I would keep it as a temporary title on the website, so that people don't get confused as to it's title, but I would change it. It's kind of boring and wouldn't catch my attention. (You PMed me, which is why I came, and I'm glad I did.)
Your characters are good, but I think that you should let us know a little bit more about Iongo before you kill him. Teslarhi's development was good, though.
Your plot development was good, except for that one fast paragraph.
So overall I'd rate it a 7.4/10. That's a pretty good rating, as my third favorite story on the website is rated like 7.8/10, and I've become a pretty harsh critic...but not terribly bad. Well... I don't think so, anyways. Correct me if I'm wrong.
Anyways, keep writing!! You can PM me when chapter two of this is posted if you want to....
Teh Wozzinator
The names are rather annoying and very foreign, but the concept of the story is not. I can't help but also question the way in which you present the story so far, we don't get a back story, but a prologue is often used to express that. Prologues generally have one of three ways in which they present the story, this doesn't seem to be the case and could easily be mistaken for chapter one. Instead of detailing the world or the events leading up to the story, you instead dive straight in and call it a prologue.
I don't think 'dynamism' is a proper word choice. I would just cut that all out as it is awkward, he can admire the glove and is probably all he could do by looking at it.
Hey there! Looks like you're new to YWS, welcome!
Ooh, I'm intrigued. This is a pretty strong beginning. I'm very curious to hear more about your characters, I can't wait to keep reading! Teslarhi, be he antagonist or protagonist, is shaping up as a particularly interesting character, I look forward to future chapters. ^_^
There were a couple of small things that hurt the piece a little bit though.
I'm pretty sure there should be a hyphen in "battle-scarred."
Typo? You probably meant "Teslarhi"
...I don't think the capitals are doing much for you here. When I saw "...ARE ALL IN VAIN!" in all caps, my first instinct was to laugh, which, as far as I can tell, is not exactly the the mood you were going for here.
I'm not sure if "vigorous" is quite the word you're going for here. Literal definition of the word seems to work for it, but... I dunno, I've never really thought about vigorous as a word to describe weapons before. I think it's more for people or actions. But I could, of course, be very wrong. It wouldn't be the first time. Or the second. Or the five hundred and twenty-fifth. XD
"Warlock" is a possessive noun here, so you need an apostrophe before that "s."
The adverb really isn't need here. The reader can probably guess that he's levitating vertically. How would one levitate horizontally?
Anyhow, this is a good start, and I can't wait for more. ^_^ You really seem to know what you're doing. *applause* Bring on the second part! XD
This was a good start, but you might want to add what the rivalry between these two is. Why are they fighting? How did Teslarhi confront the king? There is a lot that you don't explain and I was left wanting more explanation.
Valor caught everything I wanted to say by way of grammar editing, so I won't repeat anything.
Good luck,
~GryphonFledgling
It's interesting, and definitly builds up the suspense.
First, You say just 'he' alot, when there's more than one he in the room and it can throw off the reader.
for example,
you could change some to descriptor such as 'the warlock' or 'the pitiful man huddling on the ground' or 'the despossed king' ect
you don't always have to say their names, but be sure that the reader is clear on who is being referred to.
Second,
that quote doesnt make much sense, you could change it to 'he emmitted a...' or something similar
the chamber is collapsing, would he even have time to make it out of the 'countless tunnels'? I would change it so that he just leaves through a ready exit in the wall of the chamber
Also, he seems like an intelligent enough character, why would he be in a chamber that is so ready to collapse that one man's weight destroys it?
the word better is needed in there
I would change the word era to something else....maybe 'reign' or 'domain'?
Era doesn't really work there unless you said 'I shall inform [...] of the new era, I as their king' or something along those lines
PM with with questions/comments/concerns!!
^_^ When a person is talking, its better to press return so it's clearer for readers. This was interesting, though I can only wonder what the king was doing up in that temple. =P You did a good job. My only suggestion for improvements right now is maybe add some more detail, like what the temple looks like. If I think of anything else, I'll let you know.
^_^Keek!