Young Writers Society

Okay your story is original, I like it so far, but it has a few mistakes. First of all pick a tense. Another is the fact that you keep rotating points of view between first and third. Also at the ending it seems a bit rushed. You don't put as much detail in it. Okay so here goes:

This story starts after midnight in the thick woods on the outskirts of Raykville. It is new moon and there aren’t any stars in the muggy August sky. The wind blows through the trees with stunning force and rips the leaves from there homes on their branches.

Matthew decided to get up and get a drink from the bathroom down the hall. As he was walking past his sister’s room, her name is Beverly, he thought he heard the window shut. This was odd because Beverly couldn’t even walk yet and he never heard his parents descend the creaky stairs to check on her.

After debating on going in the room or going upstairs to get his parents he decided it was just his imagination, but went into Beverly’s room just room be safe. As he stepped over the gate in the door way, his parents were the over protective type, he felt a chill go up his back and raise the hairs on his neck. There was definitely something going up in this room. He just shrugged it off and walked towards her crib and as he neared the crib he stepped into something warm and wet.

He ran to the phone in the hall way and dialed 9-1-1 but he must of gotten it wrong and that’s when he heard it. It sounded like someone was sucking the remaining soda out of the bottom of a cup. Matthew just froze unable to move but after what seemed like an eternity he summoned enough courage to go back into the room and see what was making the noise.

As Matthew turns the corner into his parent’s room he sees a tiny man, dressed in all black, crouched over his mother’s lifeless body sucking the blood out of her neck. Matthew starts to scream and the man looks up with a startled look on his face but it is quickly replaced with a longing smile as blood drips out of his mouth onto the floor. As Matthew looks closer he sees that there are inch long fangs replacing his canines.

The tiny man says in an almost teasing voice, “Oh, hello. I didn’t see you earlier, why don’t you come over here and we will have a bite. Oh and I promise on, well I don’t have a soul or a heart anymore so I will promise on”, he reaches above my mother’s chest and thrust his hand into her and pulls out her still warm heart, “the nearest available heart.” He begins to laugh but this isn’t any normal laugh it pierces you right to the sore. It was like thousands of people scratching the same chalk board at the same time. He abruptly stops laughing and stares at me for the longest time without moving. Then he tilts his head back and shoves my mother’s whole heart into his mouth. As I watch in horror I can see his bottom jaw detach from his upper jaw so he can swallow it in one bite.

Now, now don’t be nervous because you have a choice”, says the tiny man, “You can chose to come to me or run. Trust me, if you come to me and tilt your head back without a fight your death will be painless but if you run I will make you beg for mercy and death. I being far more superior race than yourself will oblige to your requests. Now with that said make your choice. Now.”

I thought for a moment and then I ran out of the door but stopped right outside of it where he couldn’t see me. As he raced through the door way I punched him in the neck and with the momentum of him running and my fist him went airborne and landed on the ground with a great crash. Without waiting a second Matthew lifted his foot up and brought it down as hard and fast and he could on the man’s neck. His spine snapped cleanly in two and he was died.

Matthew’s voice is caught in his throat like a bird in a cage.

Drip…Drip…Drip…

“OH MY GOD!” scream Matthew, “MY DOG”

Matthew’s dog, Jack, was hanging from a support beam with his stomach sliced wide open and his innards were dripping more blood onto Matthew’s already blood stained face.

She puts emphasis into every work she says so he will hear it as he slowly and painfully breathes his last breath. She says, “There is no reason I should give you my name since you will be dead soon.” She stops for a moment and twists the blade to get his attention back and continues. “I know what you did to my lover upstairs and now I will avenge him,” she says, “This is for you my love.” With those last words she slowly pulled the blade through is body up to his neck. With one quick motion she finishes the cut with extraordinary strength and speed that sends Matthew’s body into a flip and he land in the next room on a coffee table.

“Everyone shut up! Hey! Be quiet it said,” yelled the sheriff.

At the police station the child went under protective custody for two years with a new family and she grew up just like every other child. Her new parents noticed that as she got older she wouldn’t talk until one day she just started screaming and didn’t stop till she passed out. At the hospital the doctors said that she didn’t remember the past but if she woke up from her coma that she may not be able to speak at all ever. They kept her at the hospital for five years before she woke up and just as the doctors thought she couldn’t speak. The nurses gave her a pad of paper and a pencil and the first thing she wrote was ‘I’m Beverly aren’t I.’ the nurses were thoroughly confused and said that wasn’t her name but she was seven years old and she could go home after some tests. Then the girl who thought her name was Beverly shut herself off from the world unless they called her, her real name.

Finally everyone called her Beverly and she went home a month after she had woken up and she lived a seemingly normal life but on the inside she was screaming still because she remembered everything hat happened that night even though she told everyone she couldn’t. She could even remember the faces of the man and women that had taken her family away from her.

Okay, don't kill me now

I noticed several mistakes throughout the story, but they were mostly minor ones. I'll just put my notes in bold.


Prologue

15 Years Ago

This story starts after midnight in the thick woods on the outskirts of Raykville. It is new moon and there aren’t any stars in the muggy August sky. The wind blows through the trees with stunning force and rips the leaves from there [their] homes on their branches.

When Matthew woke up from his deep slumber he tried to remember what had woken him from his dream. He had been dreaming that he was covered in blood but the weirdest part is that he didn’t even seem to care that he was head to foot in the warm, sticky liquid. In the dream he was walking around his house, the whole house was abnormally quiet, not a creak of a bed spring or the normal thunder of his father snoring in the room above his. After that point in the dream it was all a blur so Matthew gave up on trying remembering. [I would suggest "trying to remember" or just "remembering" instead.]The dream was very odd though.

Matthew decided to get up and get a drink from the bathroom down the hall. As he was walking past his sister’s room, her name is Beverly [This part is distracting and seems out of place. Consider rewriting or removing it completely], he thought he heard the window shut. This was odd because Beverly couldn’t even walk yet and he never heard his parents descend the creaky stairs to check on her.

After debating on going in the room or going upstairs to get his parents he decided it was just his imagination, but went into Beverly’s room just [s]room[/s] [to] be safe. As he stepped over the gate in the door way, his parents were the over protective type [this too seems a bit out of place, consider rewriting], he felt a chill go up his back and raise the hairs on his neck. There was definitely something going [s]up[/s] [on] in this room. He just shrugged it off and walked towards her crib and as he neared the crib he stepped into something warm and wet.

“So that’s what’s going on in here,” Matthew said, “She is peeing all over…again.”

He walked over and turned on the light on the table next to the crib so he could clean Beverly up but when he looked down at her he screamed. She was covered in blood and her little shirt was torn to shreds.

Matthew turned and vomited into a trash can and noticed his socks had more blood soaked into them than Beverly’s bed did. He threw up again and started to run.

He sprinted as fast as he could out her door and up the steps as he could to his [s]parent’s[/s] [parents'] bedroom. As he ran he wondered why he hadn’t met his parents in the hallway because he had screamed so loud [‘why’ and ‘because’ in the same sentence. It might just be me, but it seems wrong]. When he ran through their doorway he slipped and fell. [s]As he rolled over realized he rolling[/s] [this part is a bit messed up ] around in a massive pool of still warm blood and he couldn’t move. He spun around [you just said he couldn't move] and saw that all of the blood was dripping from his parent bed.

He ran to the phone in the hall way and dialed 9-1-1 but he must of gotten it wrong and that’s when he heard it. It sounded like someone was sucking the remaining soda out of the bottom of a cup. Matthew just froze unable to move but after what seemed like an eternity he summoned enough courage to go back into the room and see what was making the noise.

[Why change to present tense all of a sudden?]As Matthew turns the corner into his [s]parent’s[/s] [parents'] room he sees a tiny man, dressed in all black, crouched over his mother’s lifeless body [comma] sucking the blood out of her neck. Matthew starts to scream and the man looks up with a startled look on his face but it is quickly replaced with a longing smile as blood drips out of his mouth onto the floor [this sentence needs some commas]. As Matthew looks closer he sees that there are inch long fangs replacing ["replacing” sounds like an action in present tense, as if his canines are changing as he (Matthew) watches. Consider changing this to “instead of” or something like that] his canines.

The tiny man says in an almost teasing voice, “Oh, hello. I didn’t see you earlier, why don’t you come over here and we will have a bite. Oh and I promise on, well I don’t have a soul or a heart anymore so I will promise on”, he reaches above my mother’s chest and thrust his hand into her and pulls out her still warm heart, “the nearest available heart.” He begins to laugh but this isn’t any normal laugh [period] it pierces you right to the sore. It was [past tense] like thousands of people scratching the same chalk board at the same time. He abruptly stops laughing and stares at me for the longest time without moving. Then he tilts his head back and shoves my mother’s whole heart into his mouth. As I watch in horror I can see his bottom [lower] jaw detach from his upper jaw so he can swallow it in one bite.

Now, now don’t be nervous because you have a choice”, says the tiny man, “You can chose to come to me or run. Trust me if you come to me and tilt your head back without a fight your death will be painless but if you run I will make you beg for mercy and death. I[comma] being [a] far more superior race than yourself [comma] will oblige to your requests. Now with that said make your choice. Now.”

[Decide whether it's first or third person]I thought for a moment and then I ran out of the door but stopped right outside of it where he couldn’t see me. As he raced through the door way I punched him in the neck and with the momentum of him running and my fist [s]him[/s] [he] went airborne and landed on the ground with a great crash. Without waiting a second Matthew lifted his foot up and brought it down as hard and fast and he could on the man’s neck. His spine snapped cleanly in two and he was [s]died[/s] [dead].

In a dazed state Matthew stumbled down the stairs to the kitchen and dials 9-1-1. The operator in an almost mechanical voice says, “Hello, what’s your emergency?”

Matthew’s voice is caught in his throat like a bird in a cage. [Not a mistake, but you might want to try something a bit more original ]

All the operator can hear is deep, heavy breathing then she asks in a more urgent voice, “Are you alright? Do you need help?”

Drip…Drip…Drip…

“OH MY GOD!” scream Matthew, “MY DOG”

Matthew’s dog, Jack, was hanging from a support beam with his stomach sliced wide open and his innards were dripping more blood onto Matthew’s already blood stained face.

Now Matthew is hysterical and he just starts running. He flings open the back door and stops because he feels an intense pain in [his/the] stomach. When he looked down he saw a razor sharp Katana sword going right through his body.

After a while of disbelief he looks up and sees the coldest and [s]darks[/s] [darkest] set of eyes he has ever seen. [s]I it[/s] [It is] like looking down a tunnel and at the end is a bone crushing death. Then Matthew realizes that it is a woman and she is speaking to him.

She puts emphasis into every work she says so he will hear it as he slowly and painfully breathes his last breath. She says, “There is no reason I should give you my name since you will be dead soon.” She stops for a moment and twists the blade to get his attention back and continues. “I know what you did to my lover upstairs and now I will avenge him,” she says, “This is for you my love.” With those last words she slowly pulled the blade through [h]is body up to his neck. With one quick motion she finishes the cut with extraordinary strength and speed that sends Matthew’s body into a flip and he land in the next room on a coffee table.

As the body flew through she licked the blood off of her finely honed Katana sword and sheathed it at her side. Her highly tuned ear picked up the cops’ sirens as the left the precinct five miles away. She left the house a couple minutes later and waited in the darkness of the trees to watch them search the house.

When the cops arrived they broke down the front door and a brigade of cops entered and searched the house twice over. While searching the house all but one of the cops vomited while looking at the bodies. The sheriff was that one man, he had been through something quite similar to this a long time ago and he was just starting to remember what happened last time.

“There is no survivors sir,” said a rookie, “They are all dead.”

“Everyone shut up! Hey! Be quiet it said,” yelled the sheriff.

Everyone in the house went silent and then they all heard it to[o], even the women [woman] watching out in the dark, there was a barely audible cry of a baby coming from an upstairs bedroom. The sheriff hastily ran up the steps and found the baby covered in blood[period] he picked her up and took her to the station to get cleaned up.

The women [woman] in the trees screamed a horrible animal sounding scream of pure fury. She grabbed a six inch thick sapling and tore it out of the ground and threw it through one of the windows of a neighboring house. Then she focused all of her remaining strength on changing into her true animal form. All around her the air stilled and she couldn’t hear anything[period] then with a loud crack she changed into a cougar and stealthily stalked a fawn for fifteen minutes and pounced and broke the fawn’s neck in one bone crushing snap of her powerful jaws. She feasted to regain her energy till she was so bloated that she sank in exhaustion. She found a cave and slept the night away.

At the police station the child went under protective custody for two years with a new family and she grew up just like every other child. Her new parents noticed that as she got older she wouldn’t talk until one day she just started screaming and didn’t stop till she passed out. At the hospital the doctors said that she didn’t remember the past but if she woke up from her coma that she may not be able to speak at all ever. They kept her at the hospital for five years before she woke up and just as the doctors thought she couldn’t speak. The nurses gave her a pad of paper and a pencil and the first thing she wrote was ‘I’m Beverly aren’t I.’ the nurses were thoroughly confused and said that wasn’t her name but she was seven years old and she could go home after some tests. Then the girl who thought her name was Beverly shut herself off from the world unless they called her[s],[/s][by] her real name.

Finally everyone called her Beverly and she went home a month after she had woken up and she lived a seemingly normal life but on the inside she was screaming still because she remembered everything [t]hat happened that night even though she told everyone she couldn’t. She could even remember the faces of the man and women that had taken her family away from her. [I thought she was in a different room, and therefore could not have seen what happened elsewhere in the house.]

She vowed on her life that she would find them and kill them if it was the last thing she ever did. What ever it took she would do it.



Okay, I'm done butchering your story, which I actually liked pretty much. It is quite odd, and that's probably the main reason why I like it. Just remember:

Stick to either present or past tense. You seem to mix these together, even in a single sentence.

Stick to either first or third (or second, for that matter) person, unless there's a good reason for changing this during the story. It's confusing to have the person (Matthew) change between "he" and "I" all the time.

Even though I am no master at punctuation I noticed some places where I would have chosen to add some commas (and a few periods), even at places I haven't pointed out.

You some times miss a letter or a whole word in some places. If you aren't already, consider running your story through a spell checker.


I do hope that I was of some use, and that you aren't mad at me for butchering your story like this. I'm trying to be kind, yet honest and helpful.

wow i loved it it gave me the chills great idea but i saw one mistake when you were continuing as 'i i i' it means like"i ran to my room"and then again wright Matthew it's wrong i think so that's all the things i have to say to you oh and i love it and pleas continue it OK bye

Interesting beginning, I have to say. The main problems I saw were that your sentences sound a bit choppy sometimes and a few don't make that much sense. These problems can probably be easily fixed by reading it over and then putting it off for a day, and reading it over again. Next to that, I love the idea, and I hope you continue it. I would love to read it. Keep on writing.