I breathe in. Your scent clings to my pillow. I roll over, my face contorted, tear stained and red. I push my pillow to the floor and ball my blanket up beneath my head. I still smell you here. I sigh angrily and shove my blankets to the floor. I hold on to myself, grip my arms, curl up my legs. I squeeze my eyes shut and try to breathe. Instead, I choke on my tears as my throat begins to close. I’m suffocating here, with you around me. My nails dig canyons into my arms.
The alarm clock whispers to me, telling me how late it is with the gentle flashing of its red lights. I hear the apartment door open, hear it close. I hear you kick off your shoes and throw your jacket and keys down on the kitchen island.
You open the door to our bedroom, light pours in through the cracks, landing on my skin like spotlights. I close my eyes, my heart pounding violently, my stomach twisting.
You run a hand down my cheek, my arms, my thighs. My skin grows cold and my body tense. You plant kisses on my arms, and lift my face to yours. You kiss me sloppily, alcohol on your breath, perfume on your clothes. I can feel the waxiness of cheap lipstick on your mouth.
I stir, trying to kiss back. I feel nothing. The nervousness and anxiousness that comes with wanting your kiss is gone.
You grab my breast, digging your fingers into my flesh. I whimper softly. Your breath is warm and thick on my skin, your movements sluggish and insincere. The low whir as you undo your belt and throw it to the floor makes my stomach churn, my skin grows clammy.
I try to feel... feel something, anything. Try to feel the spark as your skin grazes mine... but the perfume. The perfume that doesn’t belong to me fills me, makes my head spin.
I remember that first summer, in the backseat of your car with the windows fogged up and the sun beating down. The leather was hot against my skin, your mouth burned passionate kisses into the hollow of my neck. Your back was slick with sweat and your arms held me close. You promised to never let me go.
I remember the night of our wedding, when you pushed me down into the sheets, taking over my body, leaving nothing left for myself. I dug my nails into your back, trying to find some sort of anchor before everything that I had left was gone.
I remember the first night that you stopped calling it love. You stopped being passionate and instead snarled as you bedded me, fucked me. Instead of gentle kisses, you bit my breasts, dispassionate and violent. Any love left was gone, and I writhed in pain.
I remember the night that you had come home angry. You shoved me down, pulled open my legs; you let me know how angry you were with each thrust of the shovel that dug my grave. Your breath was warm in my ear, you breathed ugly words as you threw back your head. I could have sworn I saw your fangs as you snarled in triumph...
I would sponge at my wounds in the bathroom, cover the teeth marks and gashes on my skin, my breasts, my arms. I’d wipe away my tears and brush my teeth, removing the bitter taste in my mouth.
I close my eyes, cringe. I can feel the joints in my hips growing sore, feel the ache and burn as you continue to use me. I’m crying now. I can’t breathe. You think I’m running with you, praising you, and you bite my breasts. You smile. I feel the coolness of blood on my skin. I hurt.
You took my body, and replaced it with a shell. You took my soul, tossing it to the wind as the sinews of my heart, my soul, clung to the empty vessel that you created.
I lay here, emotionless and empty. I lay down for you because it is the only way you love me; the only way that you want to love me.
You roll off of me as you pick the blanket up off of the floor and lay down. You wrap your arm around me firmly. The gesture is not out of love. Your arms are my cage and only in my mind do I beat against the iron bars.
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140,159 Literary Works • 673,032 Reviews
@ Butterfinger, your review thrilled me =] It made my day and I'm happy that you enjoyed it and understood it the way I had meant it to be. your last piece of advice really let me focus on what mattered =] This piece may not have the most likes, but it means a lot to me anyway =] Thanks so much. -Tylyn.
Wow Ty, this really is a beautiful and creative piece of writing. As I'm reading all the comments, there's so many words of my own I'm trying to get out. I really like your way with words; the lay out of our simple language is very to the point but passionate as well.
Great work for 17, I wish I had your patience for longer pieces, but I'll stick to poetry
Your story is perfect the way it is
As for the comments made by perdido, this sounds like an excerpt and so it doesn't need to be set in a specific place, and all other details can be discarded because you're focusing on one scene with tons of emotion in play.
Your characters are portrayed wonderfully. We have everything for this scene we need to see the jist of what they're like, how they feel in a nut shell.
Some advice that I've found helpful is: as an author it is not your job to write what you think others will necessarily want to read. Don't restrict your writing skills around what will make others "care" about it. Keep writing what [i]you[/i] enjoy.
I love your writing! Keep it up!
Rascalover, thank you! That is exactly what I've been looking for. I'm absolutely awful with punctuation, so thank you so much for that =] I'll get on it as soon as I can. Thank you!
Hey.
I am sorry that this is so late, but here I am as requested. First I will nit-pick grammatical errors then I will give you an overall view of what I thought of your piece. Now on to the meat of your review:
That semi-colon should be a comma. A semi-colon is used to combine two complete sentences with similar ideas. tear stained and red is not a complete sentence because there is no verb. The comma works well because you are just describing your face.
The semi-colon should be a comma because you are creating a list of things that you did, and commas are used when making list. For example: I ate bread, pudding, and soup. I hit, bit, and kneed that monster.
There should be a comma after instead because there is a natural pause there.
I love the description here
Great personification!
That semi-colon should be a comma because alcohol on your breath, perfume on your clothes is not a complete sentence; there is no verb.
these sentences should be combined together since neither is a complete sentence.
Here's my suggestion, I try to feel... feel something, anything.
There should be a comma after gone because you are combining two complete sentences with the conjunction and.
this is a run-on sentence. To fix it replace the comma after angry with a period and capitalize the y in you.
The semi-colon should be a comma because you are making a list of things: my skin, my breats, my arms.
There should be a comma after praising you because you are combining two complete sentences with the conjunction and.
There's no need for the comma after you; get rid of it.
Overall: This was a beautifully written piece! The imagery and description was fantastic. The ending was memorable, leaving a haunting feeling. There were a few mistakes with semi-colons and commas, so if you have any questions about those please PM me or write on my wall.
Have a great day,
Tiffany
Thanks for the review Shear =] I'm glad you liked it. And to answer your question, I don't know why he changed either. I have no idea what happened. This story was based on actual events, i exaggerated on the marriage, but that's about it. That's one of the things I was thinking about when I wrote the piece, I didn't want to put in a reason why, I just knew that it happened, and that's how relationship problems happen sometimes. You don't know why they happen, they just do. So thanks for the review and I'll definitely look at the grammar and punctuation =] Thanks!
Hi, Decker!
Pink here to review. ^^
I thank you for the request.
So, I actually like this piece and I felt it, really. Your wording was simple, yes. Your descriptions were simple, yes. However, you were able to make it all work out. Make the piece feel powerful while not digging in or wasting too much time on prolonged descriptions that make the piece feel cluttered.
The feelings you got across were raw and delivered at ease so I'd like to compliment you on that. My only quirk here would be to try finding a reason behind this. Why did he suddenly change? Was it the marriage? What happened to them and why? Is the question that bugs me the most. Without that, it's missing something.
Overall, it's good and I'm sorry that I don't have much to say about this it's just that you've gotten some pretty good reviews already and I don't want to go into the nitty gritty details of this. If you're having trouble with commas and such, I would suggest going to the YWS grammar and research forum we have under community forums. You might be able to find some helpful things there. ^^
Good job and let me know if you have any other questions.
Sorry I wasn't much help.
-Shear
Calm down, Perdido. I understand that it was all good natured, and I was harsh back, like I said I was. My ego is NOT large, but you did make me very grumpy. You are the type of person that I want to read my things, because I am trying to get published. But keep in mind I'm seventeen and have done no previous studying on writing. This stuff is just me. Also, I do like criticism when it's constructive. I know I need help with punctuation (semi colons especially) but to say that this story has nothing? Come on =[. This is a good piece, and I'd like to remind you that you too are just an anonymous critic as well. But don't get your knickers in a twist and I'll keep mine twist free too.
oh sorry I didn't realize you were too good for my criticisms. I'm giving you honest criticism from my experience as a writer, a consultant, an editor, and a student. That's all I'm saying.
To ignore my critique simply because I'm the only one who didn't like it is childish. Just because a few anonymous internet people think yr story is good, doesn't mean it is good. Ego is going to be your biggest enemy when it comes to improving, so let go of your pride and take some of my advice. It's good advice.
@ perdido. I messaged you originally because you had given a pretty tough comment to a friend of mine and she didn't know why. I then told her that I too would see if you would give the same harsh criticism, and you did. Which I found very strange since I haven't had any other negative comments about any of my stories. I'm glad you gave me criticism, but I don't think any of it is very good criticism. If i wanted to say that so and so lived in Missouri and did this and this and this, I would have. And considering that this piece, and other pieces of mine, have a lot of people asking for more, I do think I'm going to ignore your rather pointless criticism. Have a nice day =]
I'm just going to type things here as I'm reading.
If you don't know how to use semicolons properly, don't use them.
Try to vary your sentence structure a little more. A lot of sentences start with "I verb--. I verb--" You know what I mean?
Sure, the present tense is good, there are some strong verbs and descriptions, but this piece doesn't really move me at all. Why? I don't know. Could be the lack of characterization, the lack of setting. Your characters are in a vacuum, they might as well be in outer space. As a reader, I don't know. Set it somewhere. Tennessee, Utah, the Moon. The story will be stronger if you use specific details. There are billions of stories out there about abusive relationships, it's your job to set yours apart, MAKE ME CARE. It's up to you to figure out how to do that, how to put a fresh spin on this narrative. Give it a try.
best,
Thank you so much xDudettex for reviewing! I'm glad that you enjoyed this piece. =] I've been requesting reviews because I think that the rating and the topic in general sort of turns people away before they even give it a chance. But thank you so much for your review. It means a lot to me to see that someone older and more experienced than me at writing enjoys this piece. So thank you. =]
Hey!
Thanks for requesting me to review this and honestly, it's my pleasure. I'm flattered that you think I'm talented, but truthfully, it's you my friend, that are talented.
Even though this piece is based on something horrible, that sadly happens all too often in the world today, the way you wrote it was beautiful. Your descriptions were raw and meaningful and I could really imagine every painful second that she was forced to live through.
It's a delicate topic, but you handled it well without making anything over dramatic or 'pity me'
The images that your descriptions conjured up were great. I especially loved this part -
It's great as an ending. It really made me stop and think about all of the people who have to deal with what your MC has described.
I liked how you wrote the part about the different memories. Using 'I remember' four times could have been repetitive but the way you wrote it didn't make it repetitive at all. It was a great way to add background to waht was going on without being too info-dumpish or list like.
I'm so glad you asked me to look at this - you really are a great writer and I can't wait to read more of your work
I'm sorry that I don't have anything constructive to say, but really, I don't dislike anything about this piece. Really well done
I hope this helps!
xDudettex
WTMeighan! You read it =]. Thank you so much for the review. I absolutely love the feed back that I've been receiving. I'm sitting in class right now absolutely gushing about this review. So thank you, so much. =] Ttyl
I saw this whole thing in as a grainy black and white film noir in my mind, very emotive stuff. It switched to like an old Super 8mm image saturated with colour in this section (you really presented the tone brilliantly):
This is really well written Ty (the whole thing, not just that excerpt)! You were throwing out the metaphors left and right, and they were good. The shovel, the cage and everything else were perfectly chosen, it really created that sense of fragility I assume you were going for. It was such a raw kind of helplessness that .you don't see around often in some of these short stories.
I know that this is a personal thing put in public and, for doing it so openly and eloquently, you get massive props for putting it out. Good for you.
Good job Tylyn its beautiful and very dark. But that's a good thing it makes it very amazing and wonderful. I loved this and I can't wait for you to post more so I may read and be amazed all over haha. Good luck and may you get many reviews Tylyns. Keep up the good work and may you improve greatly!!!
Soulkana<3
Wow, Ty. There's a lot I can say about this piece. And as I was reading I started to phrase in my head all of the things I liked and wanted to comment on and say, but now that I write this reply, it simply comes off speechless. 0_o I'll try my best to write down every thought I had about this piece.
For one, it was beautiful. Not in that cookie-cutter, cliche way of being beautiful. You made pain beautiful. Reading this was like reading a very critically acclaimed movie. The paragraphs became like scenes running themselves off in my head. Something with Drew Barrymore for some reason. xP I don't know. But I was pleasantly shocked at the way you articulated yourself.
It's fairly easy for anyone who wishes to write something so mature and slightly explicit as this to go for the obvious R rating material. But you didn't do that. Everything was twisted behind words of metaphoric meaning and so on. The execution of it all was just great to me. Not tasteless or crude. It was just vague enough in parts to work. And I have to say, I was sort of expecting the opposite at first having read the rating before reading. But I was thoroughly pleased at how reading this turned out.
One of the parts I really liked and that seemed to set a mood in my head was this:
This sounds so real and feasible. It's when the writer inserts things like this that puts the reader in the front seat. It allows the mind to trick itself into believing this is something that could have or possible did happen at some point in time. I loved that. (:
The way you ended this was just sublime. I can hardly put into words how great your ending meshed into this story of yours.
*is speechless* Need I say more?
Yes, I think I shall.
Thanks for reviewing! I don't think too many people will take this story too well because it is very graphic. And I do realize all too well that women cheat on men. But like my previous short story, Hush, I made something that was very personal very public. But thank you so much for your review and I'll keep those statistics in mine for one of my next pieces. But also, I do have a few pieces of poetry that Are about girls cheating on guys. A needle in the vein and the honest truth, and Mortar, Plaster and Blasphemy both go along those lines. So feel free to enjoy those as well if you wish to see the other side of the issue. =] Thanks again!
Wow, very intense and graphic---no qualifiers here. Isn't it ironic that someone is playing that stupid S&M song by Rhianna in the other room while I am reading this? Anyway--some great imagery to really clear up how the narrator feels---
"I could have sworn I saw your fangs as you snarled in triumph..."
"you let me know how angry you were with each thrust of the shovel that dug my grave."
And the last paragraph is very intense.
Though it's depressing, I think the ending is appropriate because she is sooooo attached to him that she can't just pull out a gun and shoot him---LEARNED HELPLESSNESS is always good.
P.S. just for once I would like to read a story or see a movie about a woman cheating on a man; women cheat two, the amount of cheaters is probably along the lines of 65% men and 35% women; and I'm probably being nice with that statistic, it's probably more like 55 45.
Anyway, great story, very immediate.