(Please note that any and all criticism is appreciated. But also know that the plot itself is not up for reconstruction. This story is the truth, and that is what it will stay. Thanks)
Dad,
I’m seventeen now. I have dark brown hair, almost black, bright green eyes, though everyone swears they’re brown. People don’t look at me clearly, they don’t see me.
Mom yells all the time... I can hear her downstairs coughing, tar coating her lungs, she chokes on her every word.
I miss coming home to the smell of earth; soil and fur. I breathe in and the absence in my lungs threatens to knock me off of my feet.
I could tell you everything that has happened to me; tell you about how every time I close my eyes I see images of the people that left me dancing behind my eyelids. I see you, with your blue eyes and blond hair, your stern expression; a crease in your brow. I see your white t-shirt, stained yellow in the armpits, shredded and overused. I see your ridiculous gray shorts that are more holes than fabric. I see you hunched over the kitchen counter, with your head in your hands and your face red; scolding me, crying for the first time that I’ve seen in my life... I could tell you all of these things... but would you ever take the time to listen?
I want you to know that I didn’t mean to hurt you. I look down at my skin now... my canvas, and see the pain that I put you through. I see the hurt in your eyes slamming into me, reverberating inside of me. But I want you to know that I tried. I tried to be good enough. I strived to be a good daughter, to be something in your eyes. I struggled until the rest of the strength I had in me had depleted. It broke me...
But it wasn’t your fault; my scars remind me that I was the one holding the blade...
I see your reddened face, the veins in your neck, blue, spit accenting every word. I see your hands grabbing me fiercely by the arm, your fingers digging into my skin like talons. But your hands were shaking, not angry, but scared. You tugged back my coat sleeve and threw my arm away from you, disgusted.
You never touched me again after that... not a hug goodnight. Not a pat on the back. Not a slap across the face... You were too scared to touch me neither gently nor harshly. Sometimes I just want to yell at you and beg you to hit me. I see myself at the kitchen table with your books sprawled out in front of you. I’m invisible to you. You continue to work on taxes as I slam my fists into the manilla folders and drag them to the floor. I overturn the table and you sit there dumbfounded, but only for a second. I lower my head, trying to catch my breath. When I look up the table is neat, the paper towers surrounding you.
Invisible... I could scream at the top of my lungs and rip that stupid farming magazine out of your hands, tearing it to shreds like you shredded my soul. And you still wouldn’t give a damn... You’re consumed by everything else and I’m out of breath from screaming.
“Why can’t you see me? I’m right here. I’m trying, dad, I’m trying my best. It’s not good enough...”
“ I can’t tell you about my arms, dad. Dad! Please would you just listen! I can’t breathe.”
“I just wanted you to see me... This is who I am, dad.”
“Dad, I love him! Dad, I love you. Please don’t do this. Please would you just listen to me!”
“ Listen to me! Listen to me! Listen to me!” My blood curdling screams sound like blades of grass under children’s feet.
I’m out of breath... my cheeks burn.
.....
I called the Christmas before last. I talked to everyone. Everyone except you. You didn’t care to talk... you didn’t have time for me... I hung up the phone and cried, dad. You hated when I cried. You’d grimace and then walk towards the door, going out to the feed lot, dumping your fears and insecurities into a five gallon bucket.
I want you to know that I’ve made mistakes. I’ve always made mistakes. I’m a dreamer. I thought that love would last forever... I chased it. I thought that you’d call after I left... I waited by the phone. But waiting for you is like waiting for the rain to fall in a drought... or for the currents to cease in the ocean. I can’t change what I did, and if I could I’m not sure that I’d ever choose the right thing. I’d still choose love, I’d still get my heart broken, and you’d still look at me with disdain...
I used to be the girl that carved love into my skin to eliminate the pressure building inside of me. I used to be the girl that chased love and ended up with infatuation instead. I’ve been so many things... and all of those things have made me who I am now.
I sing, dad. I drum my fingers on my jeans and sing to every song that I hear, just to feel the wind running through me, coursing through my veins like the maroon that fills me now. I laugh, and smile, and get angry, and cry. I scream, and talk, and wish on every star. I can’t say that every time I look in the mirror that I’m fully satisfied, because if that were the case I’d have you standing with me.
I’m seventeen now. I have dark brown hair, almost black, bright green eyes, though everyone swears they’re brown. People don’t look at me clearly, they don’t see me.
-Tylyn
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140,138 Literary Works • 673,032 Reviews
Hello, and thank you for entering my contest, "The Little Things."
You're a good writer and you've got a lot of great imagery going on here. I really like the line "going out to the feed lot, dumping your fears and insecurities into a five gallon bucket." I also love the line "I used to be the girl who carved love into my skin" (it should technically be "who," not "that").
There are a couple spots that I don't quite get - "Dad, I love him," for example. Who is "he"? Is Dad against "him," or has Dad just not even noticed that the narrator is dating? Also, the later references to love: "I thought that love would last forever," "I'd still choose to love, I'd still get my heart broken," and "I used to be the girl who chased love." Are these (any or all) in reference to romantic love, possibly the "him," or to her father's love? You may want to clear this up a bit.
This was a good piece, but I'm not sure where the little moment is. If I had to guess I'd say it's where the narrator called on Christmas and talked to everyone but her dad. If this is the case, you need to draw that out a little more, make it last longer. It's an important moment - make it important. Maybe she asks to talk to Dad and hears Mom trying to persuade him in the background. Or whatever. It's your piece, that's just one suggestion of how you could do this.
Once again, good job.
~Blue
It's the heart in this that makes it. You could rewrite it a hundred times... it wouldn't matter. You got your message across with some very passionate, emotional language... Wow.
There's nothing I can really say about this, so I suppose I'll share.
I have a friend who's father left her and her mom at an early age. She never really knew him, and even now (we're freshman) she still wonders what he was like. And I just... I can't imagine what it's like. So when someone opens themselves up like this... I really admire them.
There's this song ("My Fault Your Mistake" by Lex Land) that she showed me one time when we were talking about her father. You should look it up, give it a listen.
But I'll post the last verse here, because the point of the last two paragraphs was to mention it. It's my favorite part, and it's always stuck with me...
And I'm sorry that I hurt you,
and I'm sorry that I let you hurt me,
but your little girl
is gonna change the world.
You'll see...
you'll see.
True passion can reflect here. AMAZING!!, i love it, i love the way it flows and the way you still believed you got to choose the wrong thing there even if you return back to it.
:D
I love it...... Keep up, Update us with your work as soon as you can
I didn't do too much reviewing before I had written that piece. I was new to YWS then and its only been two weeks or so now since I first started on this site. But I'm glad you enjoyed the piece =]
Well I must say this is a very good piece. I could feel the emotion and work you put into it. All the constructive criticizm has already been pointed out I think. You are a very good writer. Did you do much reviewing before you posted on here? It's very well written and can't wait to read more of your work!
Thanks for the review =]
I thought that this had a lot of good emotion behind it which kept the story moving. It also made the reader want to keep going. To me there should have been a little bit more mention of the situation with the boy who she loved and how that connected to the cutting and how it tied in with her dad. Other than that, I thought that this had beautiful imagery and great ways to connect with the feeling in here. You're a beautiful writer!
Cheers,
Luxe
I loved this, it is just so real!
Thank you kimkim and I would like to point out to perdidooooo, this lovely comment that you left me. =] Thank you!
wow you are an amazing/ talented person. Don't change anything it is 100% perfect just the way it is.
About that... it started out fiction, but then i completely restarted and I have no idea which category it should be under... By the way, now that I know what you're about, you don't bug me as much, though you're still rather prickly.
okay I'm going to edit out the sarcasm and give it to you straight: It's all on your other story so look there.
@ Perdido, again. This wasn't a story. This was a letter I wrote to my dad. You seem to just be totally ripping on people today, huh? But I will take the semicolons to heart, that I think is somewhat constructive. But everything else just seems like a giant bash. And as with the Christmas thing, it's sort of an oxi moron with the other things that you've said. I Have left the reader guessing, which is why I don't go into what MY christmas was like. It's funny because I've had so many other comments going against what you've said. So, once again. Have a nice day =]
again, you are misusing semicolons. (Here's a hint, there should be a complete sentence on both sides of the semicolon). It's funny, I can give you almost the exact same advice on this piece that I gave you on your last piece. So in order to avoid sounding like a broken record, I'll just tell you some things. (which is ironic in a way)
I feel like what you're doing here is TELLING US everything. There is no room for the reader to bring his or her own interpretations to the table. Everything is spelled out and black and white. This has nothing to do with plot or content, you can tell us these things subtly by showing it to us. That means you have to write scene instead of summary. It's a lot harder, it moves a lot slower, but ultimately that's what you'll have to do in order to push this, in order to improve. It is very difficult to write a good story using only summary, and this is the reason: you end up telling us everything. Where's the fun in that? You should try experimenting with new narrative styles and play games with the reader. Don't let on about everything the whole time. Spill your heart out, but only let us see the stain, the shadow. The best line was 'i called the Christmas before last.' I wanted more. I wanted to know how you were spending that Christmas. There's a story there.
best,
Wow, this is amazing. There was so much honest emotion, that I thought I was going to cry. Of course, do not change a thing, it's perfect the way it is. There weren't even any apparent grammatical errors that I could see. You are really talented, and should continue to use your writing to help express yourself. I loved this story, and I hope things get better.
to everyone that has reviewed thanks for your response =]
@ Formslipper: I'm not looking for true love, this isn't about an exboyfriend that I want back or for any boy for that matter. It's a letter to my dad. And as for the God thing. I'm glad you can believe in something, I truly am. But I'd rather not talk about that kind of thing. Whatever floats your boat right? Just don't sink mine. =] Please and thank you. I do appreciate your opinion but I don't need to be told about god. I've read the bible dozens of times and I'm still stuck in limbo. i don't mean to offend you, but that's just what I think.
I read it. It seems that this isn't fiction, like you wrote it from experience. If it's true love you want, humans ain't gonna have it.
God offers so much more- eternity, unfailing love. Rest in His embrace.
well... It was so deep and engrossing that i just got lost!!! brilliantly written and the emotion was very deep felt and nicely expressed... good job:)
As I'm typing, I don't really know what to say. I love your writing, it amazes me the passion you have. Your way with words moved me to tears as I've looked back at the things that've also made me who I am although they're very hard to go through. I have to say, I think you should send the letter to your dad. Let him know how you feel. Maybe going to see him and reading it directly to him could help you both heal. I know everything will work out and if you reach out to him, it might take a while, but he will see the light in you and how bright your beauty shines. I wish you the best of luck and truly look forward to reading more of your elegant words.
Stay Beautiful,
-Butterfinger
Wow! First of all, I would like to commend you on the fact that you let your emotion go wild on paper without changing anything. Also, I am awestruck by the power of the voice in this piece. It had vigour, anger, a hint of hatred and also of long lost love. I feel that the power this piece has is raw as every reader immediately connects to the piece whether solemenly, with anger or in tears. I absolutely love your brand of writing for the voice it has is rare and distint. A grave mistake would be to derail from it. keep to it and you would simply enjoy the power it wields!
Hello! Here to review as requested - and I sincerely apologize for making you wait so long. I've had a rough few days. xD But, I'm here now.
And, honestly, there isn't a whole lot left for me to say. That is a good thing, by the way - I only ever have a lot to say if there's a lot of negative in a story. I can give praise, but I don't like to go on and on with it. xD That's just... annoying.
Anyways.
I really, really did like this piece. In the beginning, I had wondered if this was going to be another piece about a child who didn't get exactly what they wanted all the time - basically a spoiled brat who didn't realize that her parents did what they did because they loved her - not because they hated her guts and wanted to stop her from having fun.
However, I was proven wrong. This piece has a lot of emotion, it's about something close to the heart - real events that were both tragic and moving. You provoked emotion, the voice was strong. Honestly, I almost teared up - which is something I don't do often while reading things on a screen. xD This piece was, in short, absolutely beautiful.
Sorry for the shortness and the lack of help.
Keep writing,
~~Ish.
Tigersprite: Thanks for the review first of all. =] I'm glad to see the positive reactions. I like some of the suggestions that you made, and other's I wasn't quite sold on. Not that they aren't great suggestions, I just feel that some of the suggestions might change my style. I can't see myself writing it. =] But a lot of your suggestions really helped and I'm grateful for them. So thank you very much.
I have to say that that reactions that I've gotten about it being beautiful and great and not having many errors has surprised me. I wrote this particular letter only a few nights ago. I didn't revise. I didn't correct anything. It is how it was when I first wrote it. I've written this letter, different versions, dozens of times. I've sent my dad letters. I've tried to make him listen but he hasn't seen me or talked to me in two years. I'm still debating on whether I want to send the letter. Because it's a choice between letting it be or hurting him. And I'm not one to hurt people on purpose.
But thank you again for the review and your opinion =]]
Hey Ty! Welcome to YWS; Tiger and I'll be your reviewer today!
So, this is quite a beautiful piece. Beautiful in its descriptions, in the ranges of emotion displayed--especially the depth of the pain--and beautiful in how threadbare the emotions are, just laid out for the world to see. So kudos to you on that, you had my attention hooked to the very end, and there was a smile on my face when I saw how you ended the letter with the exact same line with which it began. It had the intended effect, poignancy and power.
Now, let me stop gushing and move on to the few nitpicks I found.
The great paragraph. I'm only pointing it out because although I fully understand the connection between the second and third lines, I think it would be better if you pointed it out, as in:
Just to show the connection better, really. You don't have to do this, but I thought I might advise it anyway.
The placement of ridiculous makes it seem like you're referring to the colour gray (or grey to me, as I'm British
The underlined part is, I think, unnecessary after we've already established that he was too scared to touch her. It's as redundant as saying, "I didn't like the colour red, neither the light or dark shades of it."
I think these lines should be italicized, seeing as we've gotten out of her head for a minute.
And lastly, there are times when you refer to her father as "Dad" and times when it's "dad". You need to keep consistency with one or the other.
But really, this was a beautiful piece. And this is because it, as you mentioned, a true story. Writing it down must have eased the pain somewhat, and it's good because you seem to have discovered a passion for (great) writing. So well done, really. Amazing job, and KEEP WRITING!
Tiger
P.S. As it is a true story, did you send this letter to your father?
This was very detailed, so detailed in fact that I could practically see everything the girl in the story was seeing. I LOVED this story. Someday I'd love to see it made into a longer story or even a novel. With a little hard work I'm sure you could accomplish that and add some other things as well. For one thing, I don't know why her father was so upset and scared and really what she was talking about. Happy writing!
@ kirstenailene50878 Thank you so much for your review =] I try as often as I can to get a reaction like yours, and like everyone else that has reviewed this piece of mine. And I'm glad you enjoyed it so much. I plan on majoring with Creative Writing and the reviews that I have gotten make me think that its a good choice. So thank you very much. =]]
Wow. That's all that's going through my mind right now, just wow. The raw emotion and description that you put into this story is almost enough to bring tears to my eyes. Your words are so strong. I agree with one of the other (reviewers, I guess is what y'all would call them) reviews whose name escapes me who said: Don't change it. You should never change nor give up on yourself when it comes to writing or life in general. No matter how invisible you may appear to someone, family even, someone will always be there to see you. So, DON'T stop writing, you're too good. I'm used to reading things that are horrible from the punctuation to the grammar, but this... this was great. More than great. Your writing is TERRIFIC, AMAZING, and MOVING.
That's all I really have to say. You're an excellent writer.
Wow. I can like totally relate. And first thing is first, don't change a thing. This was so full of emotion and feeling I am crying as I am writing this. I thought you were talking about me at first. I feel your pain and understand your need for love and how eventually you get tired. You've tried and tried again to make them see but they just don't listen. and sometimes you need help because you are just drowning and dont know how to stay afloat. so i get it. i know people say they understand and then they actually don't. I do. I really liked this piece and really needed to read this. So i thank you for that. Good luck and keep writing.
-Qoh16
I'm glad you said you wouldn't change anything; I don't believe anyone would suggest you to do so anyway. This piece holds so much emotional depth, I truly enjoyed reading it. There's angst, loss, love, maybe even an inkling of hate over-lined with something stronger. Tylyn, you've revealed yourself here, which is risky, but I applaud you. Truly superb piece of work. Keep writing.
~Panda;;
Amazing Tylyn I could feel the emotion you put into it. I hope to see more of your lovely work!!! Love it. Keep up the good work Tylyn! Good luck and Happy Writing, Tylyn!!!!
Soulkana<3