Hi,

You mentioned this to me in the chatroom, so I took a peek. It's very good. I think your discription of the world - in daylight - really sets the scene. I don't know anywhere like that, do you? And when you mention his sword, well, we could already tell that we weren't in Kansas anymore, and that fixed it. Who carries a rapier in these days?
One thing I did find, though, was when Rowen's Father shot the spider. You used "worry" and "Anxiety" to describe the same thing, the father's face. That should probably be avoided in future, because it really is only saying the same thing over, isn't it?

Anyway, excelent so far. I can't wait to see what happens.

I like the descriptions, but at the beginning let's tone it down a little. It can drive readers away with too many details. I know this may sound strange, but it's true. Anyway, I like how you really brought out the medival time in the way the characters dress and speak.
A thing that confused me was they way you had flashbacks. When you had the first flashback, I didn't understand until you ended it. I think you need to transition the paragraphs, to make them flow a bit easier. This has much potential though. Keep Writing! :]

Hi Tyler,

I read this all the way to the end because the writing was smooth. I'm in two minds about whether I'd read on at this point, and I'd like to share my thoughts with you.

My key concern is that there's very little forward progression of the main storyline. Look at what actually happens in this sizeable, 2200+ word piece: Riding. Flashbacks. Description. World-building. Introspection. Walking. And finally, at the end, the plot moves forward. I understand the fantasy writer's natural desire to show off how cool their world is, and how well-put-together the backstory, but I feel like the plot has really suffered here.

An opening chapter needs to be gripping. It needs to move forward. This chapter ... meanders. I'm not sure the number of flashbacks and world-building asides are helping you here - I'm not saying that those should be banned from first chapters forevermore, but they are causing your story to wander when it most needs to be tight and compelling.

I'm also a little unsure about your protagonist here. I gather he's the type who would happily spend his life adventuring, befriending weird and wonderful creatures, which is cool. But he's coming across as kind of shallow and passive to me. Shallow because he apparently has no other personality traits. Passive because he basically takes a backseat throughout this entire chapter. He wants to do things, but he has no plans to actually do them. He meets Garth and Garth does all the talking thereafter. He has only 2-3 lines of dialogue in this >2200-word chapter, and none of them have any personality.

To my mind, Rowan needs to (1) be a deeper and more-rounded character than just a boy who wants to adventure, and (2) step up and take more action.

A few other miscellaneous comments, positive and negative:

Isn't Rowan a girl's name?

There's too much description, but I do dig the action verbs. The first paragraph is a brilliant example of good verbs. Things race and flow and billow and surge! That creates the feeling of movement and keeps the description active instead of static and dull.

I'm kind of uncomfortable with the "warrions". They're seen as imposing and frowning and humourless. They're big into violence. They have "dark faces". Rowan doesn't want to befriend them because they're "foul". See where I'm going with this? I feel like there are some really uncomfortable associations going on here between race and darkness and violence and badness, and it's just making me twitch.

Overused phrase: pushed/pushing from mind.

EmmaJane is bang on about the dialogue punctuation.

Awesome! A gun! But if there are muskets, why are other characters still using curved swords and bows? I feel like technology isn't quite marching in lockstep here, and I wince to think of what happened to the poor goblin who brought a sword to a gunfight.

Cliches: scary but warm-hearted fat cook with ladle; warrior races; Light and Shadow (very tired of these simplistic and overused concepts); elves living in the woods.

The shining white mare beneath him flew across the rolling plains with its ivory mane flowing in the rushing wind. Rowan drove is heels into the horse’s sides and whipped the reigns willing the swift steed onward to a greater pace. His green cloak flowed out behind him and billowed in the wind like a sail and his basket-handled rapier clacked at his side as the horse surged onward.

Hi there, Tyler! It's your freindly neighborhood ANate! On to the review!

So, where shall we start? Let's try the biginning.

Lush green hillside filled his vision as he raced onward. The shining white mare beneath him flew across the rolling plains with its ivory mane flowing in the rushing wind. Rowan drove is heels into the horse’s sides and whipped the reigns willing the swift steed onward to a greater pace. His green cloak flowed out behind him and billowed in the wind like a sail and his basket-handled rapier clacked at his side as the horse surged onward.
The fruitful blossoms of early spring filled his...

Hi there, Tyler. EmmaJane here as requested.
First of all, I can see this is a little too long and daunting. It would be easier and less daunting to the reviewers if you split it into two parts, "First chapter A" and "First Chapter B", you are more likely to get more extensive and helpful reviews that way.

~

Another thing I've spotted is speech tags. For example:

“I went to that castle on the hill last night and there were three figures in black cloaks dancing around a blue fire.” The first man said.

“I went to that castle on the hill last night and there were three figures in black cloaks dancing around a blue fire,” the first man said.

Rowan laughed in silence