z

Young Writers Society



Footprints

by Twit


There are the immediate concerns—
a snowflake caught in my L’Oreal lipgloss,
I should get some real waterproof shoes,
what if the train’s delayed?  
 
—but here is a new patch of snow, freshly fallen and glittering with originality, diamond-sparkle, white as Everest,
 
and when it takes and holds my footprint, in this moment
I am immortal.
 
I was, I am
Here. 


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
23 Reviews


Points: 270
Reviews: 23

Donate
Sun Mar 31, 2013 5:40 pm
littleauthor wrote a review...



Hey Little Author here,


I absolutely L-O-V-E this piece. It's beautiful and it's a perfect winter piece. I really thought it was amazing how it was so short, but yet it was so perfect.

It sort of reminded me of how when it snows, everything just stops and its just you and maybe that snowman you built earlier. It was peaceful and beautiful and I loved it.


Keep writing! :)




User avatar
27 Reviews


Points: 716
Reviews: 27

Donate
Sun Mar 31, 2013 5:30 pm
Panda11 wrote a review...



i thank it is a little short so you don't really "see" it if you know what i mean, i do not understand this part "and when it takes and holds my footprint, in this moment
I am immortal". and i don't get this one..."I was, I am Here". and it is not clear what point you are trying to make, if you are trying to make one any way.... thank you<3<3


~PL~




User avatar
14 Reviews


Points: 252
Reviews: 14

Donate
Thu Mar 14, 2013 9:42 pm
storyisking wrote a review...



Hi Twit! storyisking here with a review!

This is an absolutely gorgeous, stunning piece. I love the effect this poem had on me - the concept is so simple and the poem so short, but sometimes short is way better.

Like Audy stated, this poem really captures the beauty of winter and how something like footprint can be special, as you're leaving a mark on the world (even if it's only termporary.) yesyesyes.

Love it and keep up the good work!

~storyisking




User avatar
14 Reviews


Points: 252
Reviews: 14

Donate

User avatar
696 Reviews


Points: 5533
Reviews: 696

Donate
Thu Mar 14, 2013 5:52 am
Audy wrote a review...



Twiiit!

Way to capture a moment.

This review is gonna be short cause my phone - but happy to chat this out with ya anytime. Loreal lipgloss, great detail. I almost want you to start with the second line entirely and just bring us right in. Get rid of diamond sparkle and find a less cliche way of saying it, though I like the crispness even just by removing the sparkle out of it entirely. I also like ending on 'immortal' - the last two lines don't do anything for me.


Loooooove it. This is gorgeous. This is like everything that is magical about winter. Just gah. Wonderful.

as always, Audy




User avatar
662 Reviews


Points: 52441
Reviews: 662

Donate
Thu Mar 14, 2013 2:46 am
dogs wrote a review...



Hello there Twit my friend! Tucker here with your review! Lovely poem you have here. I really love how this is so to the point, you have something you want to prove and you convey it to the reader quickly and effectively. Well done in that regard. Let's go by a line by line blow of this poem now shall we? :)

Nice first line, I think my favorite part of this stanza is how you immediately drift into stream of consciousness. I do believe that it's greatly notable that you decide to start the first line with business and than morph this poem into something about immortalizing yourself, even in the midst of crazyness and what not. That's the feel I got from this poem just with the first line and the last two lines, of course it's entirely up to interpretation, but nice writing here :).

"what if the train’s delayed?"

I like the idea of pushing the ambiguity of this piece a little bit. Perhaps put this line in italics or quotations, indicating that someone says it. Never defined if someone else said it or if the narrator says it. It would give this piece a nice air to it. On another note, I think you should put a period after "shoes" in the previous line. Just to make this a separate thought.

Now I do not like the big long line that you decide to use in the second stanza. It works a little bit because it's in such a short poem, but I would rather see this broken up into different pieces. I'll leave that up to your own discourse, I really love the imagery that you use to describe the snow as it descends. Perhaps put a periods after 'Everest" though.

"and when it takes and holds my footprint, in this moment"

I really adore this line, but the double use of "and" a little too close in proximity to each other is really the only thing that throws off the flow a little for me. Perhaps with the period in the line before you can cut out the first and. Whatever works for you.

As for the last couple lines, stellar. Spot on, well done! I think that's a beautiful ending that you chose to put this piece on. Way to keep it simple, I loved reading this piece Twit! Let me know if you ever need a review. Keep up the good work!

TuckEr EllsworTh :smt032





"Cowards die many times before their deaths; but the valiant will never taste of death but once."
— Julius Caesar