i like how you think you know me,
that you think i'm not so complex.
i like how you don't see my mangled insides,
waiting to break free and strangle me.
i'm fed up with what you're feeding me,
i think i'll break inside.
i'm starting to lack the control that keeps me in tact. wouldn't you love to back off before i snap and take you down with me. :]
i'll tear into you like a bad wound and splinter my finger nails on your cold bones. i do not fear my sin. i have lived.
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Canary word: Present
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There is no way to see the "mangled insides" if the poem is strewn with generalities like "i'm fed up with what you're feeding me/ i think i'll break inside". Phrases like this provide the smooth, glassy surface of the treacherous depths of the pond in winter. If you insist on building the ice so thick that people can't get to what's below, they'll just give up and insist on skating on it. The bottom line: concrete imagery. That people can turn around in their heads, chew on, really see.
The fourth stanza breaks down into sentences. There is nothing poetic here, making it seem unnecessary to the poem.
The last line has potential to be a nice ending for this poem. However, there has been no buildup to it, so, unfortunately, it stands meaningless.
P.S. unless an integral part of the poem, smilies within the lines are unprofessional. If you don't even take your poem seriously, why should we?
TwistedTransistor,
I'd be only too delighted if the specific suggestions Suzanne made would actually benefit the poem overall. However, no amount of capitalization or linebreaks is enough to wrench this from the sticky claws of navel-gazing.
Here's worthy advice: trash this, consider the purpose of your writing, and let us know what's going on in your next attempt at poetry.
All the best,
Brad
Welcome to YWS! First a few pointers: review people before posting your own work! It is only polite, and we do have a 2:1 review-post policy. Which goes to the next point, be sure to read all FAQs, guides, and rules. Also, why not post in the welcome section?
As to the poem:
-Capitalize the pronoun I.
-why is there an emoticon in what might be the fourth stanza?
-put line breaks in your last two stanzas.
Otherwise, all I can say is that you should go read a book of poems. Poetry is hard. I'm not good at writing poetry. But I've read good poetry, so I am that much closer. Reading poetry is the best way to learn what poetry is.
Also keep in mind that audience is very important in poetry. What do you want your reader to feel/think/do/believe after they read your poem? Have an effect on your reader.