Published September 6, 2011
“No, no, and no. That’s final.” Henry spoke in an exasperated tone.
“Why not, brother? What’s so wrong with visiting our parents for a change?” Joseph asked, bewildered. They were in a dreary apartment with grey painted walls and very little furniture. Henry sank back into his newly bought arm chair, digging his nails into the small cushion which lay on his lap. Joseph treaded the room, thinking of several ways to persuade his brother on letting him visit his parents.
He stopped and opened his mouth to say something but Henry held up a hand. “I told you. No,” he said, sternly and went back to enjoying the warmth which emitted from the heater beside him.
Joseph pouted and walked away silently, feeling himself surrender. Henry sighed. “Sit down,” he said, gesturing towards a bean bag which lay on the soft carpet, a few feet away from the arm chair. Joseph shook his head stubbornly and went to look out the window.
It seemed as if nobody ever cleaned it. The glass was all dirty and smudged, obscuring most of the sight. Joseph tried to open the window by lifting the wooden pane but it was crammed shut.
“It won’t open… I’ve tried everything with it. Nothing ever works,” Henry spoke in a bored tone.
“Everything, huh? I’m sure you’ve never tried this before.” Joseph smiled cunningly at himself as his eyes changed color from greenish-brown to bright red.
“What’re you up to?” Henry got up swiftly. He stared at his younger brother wearing a dubious expression on his face while marching forward. Then, before he could even reach him, the window shifted upwards, letting in the cool fresh air.
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138,952 Literary Works • 672,345 Reviews
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that information is definitely unneeded in the first sentence.
this line also feels unneeded. It's obvious that Joseph is trying to convince Henry when he says “Why not, brother? What’s so wrong with visiting our parents for a change?”
period instead of comma after hand
comma after everything
I'd take this part out too. It's not really important.
I assume his brother used some form of magic, but it's a bit unclear.
I like the idea of the two brothers. Joseph who seems nice, and the older brother Henry seems unpredictable (and who also appears to have some kind of magic powers
But personally, I don't think this is the best way to start the story. The beginning didn't really hook me, and the setting just felt a bit boring (a drab room, could be anywhere). There must be a more exciting way to introduce Henry's supernatural powers.
I feel like you've got an awesome story here
I think that the beginning telling the brother's age could be left out, or could be introduced in a different way.
The furniture and lonely room could be better described like you described everything else. Put those good skills of yours to use on everything possible! (am I sounding too bossy? can't help it. deal with it. but this story is yours to change and revise. do what you want)
Other than that, this is a good start. An excellent show of writing skills.
Oooh! It's interesting. You should PM me when you've got more of it posted. It definitely peequed my interest. My only critique is that you do a lot of showing instead of telling. I do that too though, so it's still a nice piece. Good luck, hope this helps!
-tgirly