The night I died

I was strolling outside under the beautiful night sky. The stars looked like tiny droplets of light hanging above the clouds. I really felt like flying in the sky and hanging out with the stars. Too bad that only happened in fantasy storybooks. I walked through the park when I noticed something behind the trees from afar. I inched towards it.
There was silence. I could only glimpse a fraction of something long and white flowing from behind one of the trees. As I crept closer, the thing disappeared. I paused. I could hear a tiny whisper at the corner of my mind, telling me to turn back.
“Danger,” it said and my heart started hammering inside my chest. There was no doubt about it that it wasn’t my voice at all. The thing was speaking to me! this was confusing. I thought you meant your conscious was trying to tell you ‘danger’. but then you act like the white thing was speaking to you.
‘No!’ I thought, ‘It’s not possible. Things like these this only happen in storybooks; just a comma would be fine, I think not real life…’
It seemed like a prank to me, but who would want to prank me at a time like this? I braced myself and continued walking. With every step, my heart would pound harder. Something would stir inside my brain as a warning for me to back away but I was curious. Who could be stupid enough to do this? this last line was confusing too. Are you talking about yourself, like who would be stupid enough to keep walking forward? Or are you saying who would be stupid enough to prank you? It’s unclear.
My breathing was very uneven. I paused again mid-way midway from what?. After taking deep, long breaths, I walked quickly, taking long strides this time.
I wasn’t quite sure how it happened but it knocked my breath away.
I’d tripped on something and was falling forward towards a thorny bush. I didn’t want to get scratched; not in front of the prank-person I don‘t get this either. Wouldn‘t you not want to get scratched, because getting scratched hurts? You make it seem like it was only because you were afraid of being embarrassed. That doesn’t seem very realistic. . I closed my eyes and immediately after that, my fall was cut short. Something soft and feathery had brushed my face for only a minute second after which I stumbled forward.
I opened my eyes. The bush was only an inch away from me and I was standing safely on my feet. Although I had no idea how it had been possible for me to not even get pricked by a single thorn. The wind suddenly whipped my face. I shivered, rubbing my arms and turning around to look at what had tripped me like that.
That’s when I fell into a shock. I stared wide-eyed at the thing lying on the ground in front of me. Even in this dark I could detect the red blood still bleeding from it. From afar it might have seemed like an ordinary branch when instead… it was an arm!
A cut-off human arm was lying there with blood spurting out of it, creating a tiny pool of blood underneath it. I gasped. Alarm rang in my head as my eyes lingered towards the white creature which stood a foot away from the arm.
It was wearing a white, hooded cape. The hood hid its face. There was a pair of white, feathery wings sticking out from its back.
“I told you to stay away…” It told me telepathically. This time it wasn’t a whisper. It was a soft murmur in my ear or mind, I couldn’t really tell couldn‘t really tell what? You have an unfinished thought here.
“Who are you?” I demanded trying to raise my voice but what came out was a tiny whisper.
Wind blew again, blowing the thing’s hood off its face as I stared. He was beautiful. He had crimson white skin and he wore the mask of a killer two things about this sentence. First, how can he have crimson white skin? Red and white skin, wouldn‘t that just be pink? It doesn‘t make any sense to me. Also, the mask of a killer. There are many, many different kinds of masks. I‘m picturing a Jason hockey mask (I noticed this before I read Ranger‘s review lolz xD). But for all I know it could be one of those black ones that robbers wear. Or something totally different. The ‘mask of a killer‘ is way too vague. Oh, and if he was wearing a mask, then how come you could see his face enough to call him beautiful? Like I said, too many things are not adding up to me. . His eyes were blazing red, staring into my frightened ones. I realized then just how scared I was. My arms were trembling and I pinched myself to wake up from this nightmare but it didn’t happen.
“I warned you…” there was that voice again, sending goose bumps all over my arms.
I closed my eyes shut and tried to picture myself waking up. It still didn’t happen!
Finally, after a few seconds of trying I gave up and opened my eyes again. I blinked. The person was no longer standing there. I looked down towards the ground, the arm was gone and there was no sign of blood there.
I sighed with relief. ‘It must’ve been my hallucinations should be ‘a hallucination’ after all,’ I thought when suddenly, something grabbed my shoulders. My heart thudded loudly as I tried to scream but one hand instantly covered my mouth.
“Oh, is that what you think?” said the soft voice in my ear, I was sure of it this time. I could feel the person’s cold breath on my neck…
A pair of teeth pierced into my neck and I screamed…
It was the night I’d actually died. My parents had found my body lying near the same thorny bush with all the blood drained from my face. That night, I walked as a human. Now, I walk merely as a spirit.

I was really happy when you wrote a longer version Now I'm wondering who that person was!
Are you going to turn this into a novel or a short story? If not, I really think you should

Hello!
I really liked it! good job! Your character was great and very expressive, which I liked. I saw some places where you needed commas but I think someone already pointed that out. I liked it because it was a good spooky story. The ending sentence was great! The creature was very cool! Good idea Keep writing!

Okay... it's definitely an interesting idea, you have here, I must say.

I feel kind of bad for saying this, but if it wasn't review day, I probably wouldn't have read past the first few paragraphs. You're not using description and the senses to tell the story, you're just saying "I did this, I did that" and it just gives off the impression of someone telling us this nonchalantly, and not actually a short story. This could be fixed by using similes, personification, metaphors, etc. just to make it come alive, in a way, and make it feel as if we're actually there.

‘No!’ I thought, ‘It’s not possible. Things like these only happen in storybooks; not real life…’

Alarm rang in my head as my eyes lingered towards the white creature which stood a foot away from the arm.

Hello Twinkle4ever,

This was a really creepy, gory story that was really intriguing and full of description. At the start I definitely didn't expect it to turn out like that and like you mentioned briefly in the description this does tend to lean more towards horror rather than fantasy, it certainly turned out more blood thirsty than I imagined and the first paragraph made it sound more of a 'swan lake' type of story I'm glad it wasn't, this was much better than something perfect and unreal. Now on with the actual critiquing.

First of all I agree with RangerHawk and goofysmurf1, this did need a little more description in some parts of the stories. I spotted a lot at the beginning but like most stories, toward the end it began to lack description and I think spending a little bit more time just putting a tiny bit more description into the story would definitely benefit this a lot and it would help the story seem more effective.

Something soft and feathery had brushed my face for only a minute second after which I stumbled forward

A cut-off human arm was lying there with blood spurting out of it, creating a tiny pool of blood underneath it

Hello, Hawk here for a review!

All right, so I think this is an intriguing story. Definitely makes me want to know just who this angel/vampire guy is and why he's stalking random people at night to kill them. I loved the part where she finds the severed arm. That was just so random and unexpected and totally entertaining. XD

I do think you could stand to use a little more description in the story. I never had a good idea of who was narrating the tale (not even sure of the gender, but I'm assuming it's female since the tone seems to fit). You could mention just a couple of things, like the length of her hair or an article of clothing she's wearing, like a hoodie or something, just so the reader has an idea of what her appearance is. Kind of difficult to imagine the events happening in the story if you don't know what to picture for the main character.

The setting was pretty easy to imagine, so I don't think you need much more description there. The killer guy was fairly well described, though I wasn't too sure what you meant by this sentence: "He had crimson white skin and he wore the mask of a killer." Firstly, I'm not sure how you're blending the crimson and white into his skin; is the crimson from blood that's not his, externally? Or does he have rosy cheeks? As for the second half, the part about the mask, is it really a mask? Because I instantly thought of Jason from Friday the 13th, with the white hockey mask with the holes and all. Didn't seem to quite fit with your story, though. If you're saying his expression was like a mask, you should try to make that a little clearer.

Another question I had while I was reading was when he tells her that he had warned her, and she should have listened. I'm not quite sure why he would be warning her, if he's intending to kill her...unless the arm was part of a hidden victim? And that's why he didn't want anyone nearby? It just seems kind of thin that he either 1) wasn't stealthy enough to avoid being seen by random wanderers, or 2) was trying to lure her and keep her fixed to a spot with a phantom dismembered arm.

All in all, his motives could use some more explanation; is he killing her because he doesn't want her to tell what she's seen? Is he just a murdering psychopathic vampire/angel? Does he feed on blood, and that's why he killed her?

Your narration style is pretty simple and easy to follow, but at times it can feel like you're just telling us what's going on, instead of showing. This is something that a lot of writers (including yours truly!) struggle with, and it can be a tricky thing to recognize, especially in your own writing. Something that helps me find the spots where I've been doing too much telling is looking for instances with a lot of "I" if the story's in first person, or "he/she/character's name" if it's in third person. That's a pretty good indicator that you're doing too much telling and need to add more description or dialogue or such to overcome it. I'd suggest you also read this post about showing vs. telling; it's helped me out a lot.

The last thing I want to say is your ending. I think the sentences, "That night, I walked as a human. Now, I walk merely as a spirit." end the story really well, and that it has a strong yet ominous and chilling sort of finality to it. Putting the little Warning sentence at the very end kind of cheapens that and makes it feel like some kind of moral or advice is trying to be given through the telling of the story. I'm not saying you need to to change it and that it's awful, but I just think the story could be strengthened without it.

Well, that's all I've got to say. Good piece, thanks for the enjoyable read! Please let me know if you've got any questions or whatnot. Keep up the good work!

God bless,
~Hawk

this story is great and full of emotion and has lot of great descriptions like in the first part, it says, 'The stars looked like tiny droplets of light hanging above the clouds.' that was one of the best sentences for descripion i taught. but the sentence that said 'I was in a good mood that night.' i thaught you could have described exsactly how you felt rather than just puting in a good mood.

Hello! I will begin to review your work now

warning for me to back away, but I was curious

My breathing was very uneven. so I paused again in mid-way

for only a minute second

A cut-off human arm

I like how you used the word Hammered while refering to your heart. One thing you might consider is making some of the sentences more vivid and a little longer. I like it though and thank you very much for sharing.