The church’s rotting wood door creaked open, letting in a flash of dawn sunshine. A burst of frosty air rustled against Mary’s carefully ordered notes, bending the fragile sheets of paper and threatening to shuffle them out of order.
“Too hot?” she asked, not looking up from her work.
“Hot damn!” said a familiar, casual voice.
Mary and her friend, Mazin, laughed. It was nonsense from their childhood, overheard from adults who were bored in the fields or drunk around a bonfire. As long as they could remember, the kids would yell it back and forth to each other, like an in-joke.
Mary hadn’t actually expected anyone to answer in that manner; Pastor Nkao-jer hated even mild swearing in the church. It was, perhaps, a bitter relief that she could rarely hear Mary’s raw language anymore.
Mazin pulled a scarf away from his blotchy, ivory white face and scratched at his sandy facial hair. “Seriously, though,” he said. “It ain’t too hot. I’m here ‘cause ‘s-too icy to take my bicycle. Would you happen to have a horse available for trade?”
“Well…” Mary shuffled her papers uncertainly, looking for any notes on available horses or trades. “I…”
“You wanna ask Nkao-jer?” Mazin offered. “Where is ye old Greatest-Of-All-Time, anyways?”
“She been in the basement since twilight,” said Mary. “Sarah went into labor last night, and Pastor’s been helping her. It’s kind of a big deal.”
A moan of agony came from the downstairs, making both of them cringe.
“Tha-‘ll do it, eh?”
Mary shuddered. “I don’t look forward to finding out someday!”
“And I glad I don’t have to.”
Mary gave a snorting laugh, “Well, you best be nice to your ladies at the cen’er. How are they nowadays?”
An ear-piercing scream erupted from the basement. Mazin replied darkly, “Well, at the moment, they’re not havin’ babies. Are you sure you want to interrupt what Pastor’s doing?”
Mary stammered for a moment, then said, “I’m sure.”
It was useless to try and negotiate something she didn’t have a written record of. Mary loved her notebooks; she couldn’t keep so many things in her head, the way Pastor Nkao-jer could.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
This short passage, though young, certainly has potential to become something pretty exciting. The mixture of the new world created and our current world creates an interesting set of interactions, and the interest of the reader is piqued after a few short lines. The inclusion of non-standard English makes the characters seem more human also. All in all, a great start. If I had one piece of advice, it would be to divulge the childhoods of the characters more in order to build their characters up, however that can be achieved in later portions.
I can't wait for more!
I believe this is, indeed, a start of a wonderful story. You've captured my attention and though I have not read the previous chapters, know what the dialogue is referring to, it's a lovely piece.
Well done. ~
Hi!
I liked it! Seems like a slow start to an extra-ordinary story!
Raindrop already helped you with a few errors that were there! I cannot wait for more!
Keep it up!
Hello,raindrop here for a small review ( may not small tho ).
So let's start with the tittle!
I saw it while scrolling and it caught my eye so I give you that plus point.
For the idea of this...I think the idea is basic and simple but still this was enough to make me try it out,right?I will check the punctuation and grammar,and all the jazz around this work now:
The church’s rotting wood door creaked open, letting in a flash of dawn sunshine. A burst of frosty air rustled against Mary’s carefully ordered notes, bending the fragile sheets of paper and threatening to shuffle them out of order.
“Too hot?” she asked, not looking up from her work.
“Hot damn!” said a familiar, casual voice.
Mary and her friend, Mazin, laughed. It was nonsense from their childhood, overheard from adults who were bored in the fields or drunk around a bonfire. As long as they could remember, the kids would yell it back and forth to each other, like an in-joke.
Mary hadn’t actually expected anyone to answer in that manner(,) Pastor Nkao-jer hated even mild swearing in the church. It was, perhaps, a bitter relief that she could rarely hear Mary’s raw language anymore.
Mazin pulled a scarf away from his blotchy, ivory white face and scratched at his sandy facial hair. “Seriously, though,” he said. “It ain’t too hot. I’m here ‘cause ‘s-too icy to take my bicycle. Would you happen to have a horse available for trade?”
“Well…” Mary shuffled her papers uncertainly, looking for any notes (for) available horses or trades. “I…”
“You wanna ask Nkao-jer?” Mazin offered. “Where is ye old Greatest-Of-All-Time, anyways?”
“She been in the basement since twilight,” said Mary. “Sarah went into labor last night, and Pastor’s been helping her. It’s kind of a big deal.”
A moan of agony came from the downstairs, making both of them cringe.
“Tha-‘ll do it, eh?”
Mary shuddered. “I don’t look forward (finding/to find) out (any)day!”
“And I glad I don’t have to.”
Mary gave a snorting laugh, “Well, you best be nice to your ladies at the cen’er. How are they nowadays?”
An ear-piercing scream erupted from the basement. Mazin replied darkly, “Well, at the moment, they’re not havin’ babies. Are you sure you want to interrupt what Pastor’s doing?”
Mary stammered for a moment, then said, “I’m sure.”
It was useless to try and negotiate something she didn’t have a written record of. Mary loved her notebooks(,) she couldn’t keep so many things in her head, the way Pastor Nkao-jer could.
I actually did not find anything special.The way the male talks is just in the style I do not like but I still not corrected it because It is still right?I only corrected the commas and one or two mistakes.
Good job!